Name: 12-4-17 Greek Art and Yuletime | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #57
Uploaded: 2017-12-04T16:03:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-4-17 Greek Art and Yuletime | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #57' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-4-17 Greek Art and Yuletime | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #57' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-04. Transcript available.

12-4-17 Greek Art and Yuletime | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #57

All right, we got that poppin' right there, a little bit of audio, a little bit
of touch-touch.
Let's get that hit up.
Hello, December!
Where have you been?
Celebrate living, celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
All right, happy December, guys.
Happy December.
And that is Spencer Jacob Grau.
Beautiful, beautiful man.
Pretty decent-looking guy, you know.
Kind of looked like a...
I met him one time.
He sent me that song on the internet.
Through the magical web of electricity, you know.
Through that straight-up just, you know, that electronic tunnel that the devil
built.
And he sent me that song one time.
And it just, it became that hitter, you know.
It became that hitter.
You wanna catch another hitter?
You can grab that gray block pizza.
It's on Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles.
And they got them stylish pies, man.
If you ever feelin' empty, go fill yourself.
Gray block pizza.
They got that picante pollo.
That zingaro, huh?
That Grecian.
They got the Grecian, huh?
Used to have a Grecian, uh...
Came to our town once a year trying to sell oil paintings.
You know, olive oil, though.
You know, and homemade oils and shit.
Horrible artwork.
And the thing is about a bad artist, man.
Sometimes you'll buy that shit just to get that bastard away from you.
So everybody in our...
Not everybody in our town, but a lot of people had these shitty paintings
because the dude was such a good salesman.
You know?
So everybody got this horrible fucking artwork.
But the guy was just such a good, you know?
Oh, you need...
Hey, hey, you know, you need the artwork, you know?
Don't you want these, you know, these peanuts?
Worst drawings.
Drawings and paintings of peanuts.
Shit smelled like...
I mean, dude, I think he was using condiments sometimes to paint with.
I don't know who the...
What the fuck that dude's deal was.
But that's life, man.
That's life in a small town.
I remember they had another boy lived by me named Bubby Jenkins.
And his daddy...
And he was adopted, you know?
He was picked up out of the ether at a governmental center.
You know?
And that's adoption.
And...
I mean, it's a game show.
When you're in foster care, your life is a straight-up game show.
Every time a parent comes in the room, it's just like...
Because that's your chance.
That's your chance to be that hitter.
You know?
And he got picked.
He got scooped up.
You know?
He's probably about a...
I don't remember how old he was when he got key...
You know?
He got, you know, picked up.
But he got picked up by some parents.
And that's...
You know?
And it was like...
I think he was like 11.
So at that point, you're like a...
I mean, you're a 6th or 7th round draft pick.
You know?
You're getting late.
You know?
You're a late...
You're a late round pick.
And he got picked up.
Anyway, he...
What was this story about, dude?
I was talking about...
They had an artwork.
Jenkins.
Oh, his daddy used to drive me to school.
And his dad was Italian.
I think he was Italian.
I don't know.
He was kind of sunburnt and had dark hair.
And at that young age of my life, I thought that that was Italian.
You know?
And he was sunburnt and had dark hair.
And he used to smoke cigarettes inside of his car.
And he would...
His wife wouldn't let him smoke inside.
And so he would go smoke outside in the car.
He would sit in there and just hotbox his car with them Winstons.
Out there blowing Winstons and huffing down.
You know?
I mean, this dude was probably 900% Muppet.
Dressed like Johnny Cash.
And he'd sit out there.
And smoke them cigarettes.
Them cigarillos.
And he used to...
When I would miss the school bus, he would give me a ride to school.
And he would quiz me on my spelling words.
And the whole time, he'd blow that cigarette and smoke in my face.
Catch me with that hit of smoke.
You know?
Just light me up with that backy.
That tabacky, backy cloud.
You know?
He'd be like, alright, spell inconvenience.
And I'd be like, I-N-C.
And then he'd hit me with that...
That backy, backy cloud, you know?
And then I'd be like, uh-oh.
And...
Man, it's hard to smell.
I mean, it's hard to spell.
It's hard to do either one in a cloud of smoke.
And that is the God's honest truth, man.
That's the gospel according to your boy right here.
But it's hard to spell when an adult man is blowing that backy smoke into your
face.
And that was just another unique man that lived in my town growing up.
But good to see you guys today.
It is Monday, December 4th in the year 2017.
And look, they had a beautiful moon.
I don't know if you guys got to get a peek at it.
And it might still be out there even tonight or whenever you're listening to
this.
But they got that beautiful moon.
And that moon, man, that thing is just like a dam.
Like one of God's nuts just fell out of his ball bag and landed in the sky.
I mean, that is that beautiful...
I mean, it's like somebody just washed the chocolate off of a damn almond joy.
And all that's there is that big coconut with that nut in it, you know.
And that's what the moon is a lot of times.
It's just that big sweet ball of sucrose floating up there, you know.
And that's just a damn...
I mean, that's just one of Mother Nature's fucking...
You know, that's just one of Mother Nature's marbles.
And that thing's beautiful.
But if you didn't get to see it, go check that moon.
Because sometimes we forget to look at the sky.
I don't know if it's happened to you recently, but I forget to look up at the
sky and remember,
I get caught down here in little things on my phone, you know, looking at
papers.
You know, seeing what my neighbor's cat is doing.
You know, because a lot of times he'll get out.
But if I'm...
I have a very strange relationship with my neighbor's cat.
And some of you guys know that.
You know, and he'll get out there.
Sometimes he can tell.
This is going to sound crazy, dude.
But if I am in my house, you know, pleasuring myself, he can tell it.
You know, and he will wait by the door sometimes.
Or he will, you know, make meow noises and meow sounds and do meowing.
And he can tell when I am spending time by myself or trying to be, you know,
lightly emotional with myself.
But yeah, that is a really wild cat.
So, anyhow, it's Monday.
And what's going on in our lives today?
You know, it's December.
So we're starting to narrow down what's happening in our existences for this
year.
This year is going to be in the books.
And you can start to feel it in the air.
You know, people are a little more friendly.
You know, look, I got the, I got the damn, I have the Christmas carols going on
full blast in my automobile.
Man, I love the Christmas carols.
And they'll be ringing.
The ones I don't like, Mariah Carey.
Dude, I wish a fucking missile would hit that, you know, I wish it would just
hit her right in her, in that dark cinnamon coont of hers.
I do not, I just, Mariah Carey's a straight Muppet.
She's what's wrong with this country, man.
Mariah Carey, you heard it here.
But what else?
I was in Canada.
I got to play cards with Bill Burr.
I'll start there.
So I'll tell you this.
They have this podcast network called All Things Comedy.
And they've been very gracious over time to allow us, me to have my other
podcast called Allegedly on there with my friend Matthew Cole Weiss.
And on that same network, there's a new show where comedians sit and play poker
together.
So, you know, I get an email, come play.
And it was a great group.
Bert Kreischer, Bill Burr, Steve Ranazzisi, who died in 9-11, but didn't die in
9-11.
And John Reap, who's one of the first comedians that I ever featured for down
in Louisiana.
And John Reap, you know, he's the Hemi guy.
He's like, I got a Hemi.
He's from Hickory, North Carolina.
And it was just great, man.
You know, we got to sit in a warehouse, have pizza.
People was drinking alcohol and just play some cards, play some poker together,
joke around.
You know, we were just joking about how hard it is to be a man today.
But it was interesting to just be around Bill Burr.
I'm obviously a huge fan.
There's no one, no one more confident on stage than Bill Burr.
I can listen to that man forever.
And he's always like, you know what you're going to get.
He doesn't seem too affected by ego.
You know, he doesn't seem, he was super nice, like, and I've spent time around
him before I got a little vibe for being around him.
But I never really just sat next to him for two hours and we're all playing in
a poker game.
But it was, but just a nice guy.
You know, some of these, you know, comedians that are at these, you know, that
are superstars, like Hollywood superstars.
They get, there's an ego that goes along with it.
And I think Bill Burr is a superstar comedian.
But I don't think he has that celebrity side as much as others do, if that
makes any sense.
Because the celebrity side is kind of, that's the ego.
The side of the talent, that's the comedian side.
And, man, he's just one of a kind.
But that was great for me, man.
I'm sitting there, I'm fucking, like, kind of nervous.
I can, like, feel Bill, like, sitting right there next to me, you know.
We're just sitting at this half table, all playing cards.
And there's, like, about 15 people there shooting this show.
And, like, yeah, I'm nervous.
You know, I'm a little bit nervous.
I know Burt Kreischer really well.
I know the other three guys at the table well.
You know, Burt Kreischer, the machine.
And I've known Burt for a long time and John for a long time.
So I feel more comfortable around them.
But to be sitting there, you know, next to a guy who's just, man, I just felt
inspired.
I felt really, really inspired.
So that was a great moment for me just to be able to be, you know, in those
guys' presence with an activity that we all are doing together.
So it's, you know, it's just poker.
We're just playing around.
And I'm trying to think of something.
I mean, Bill made me laugh a few times.
Everybody made me laugh.
You know, I tried to be a little more quiet and just listen instead of, you
know, trying to, you know, put my two cents into it a lot.
But it was great, man.
We had a great time.
That was a real joy.
And then I was up in Canada in Calgary.
Let me tell you this.
If you haven't been to Calgary, I'm thinking like Calgary, what is it?
You know, I didn't even know Canada was a real place for a long time.
I thought it was just, you know, a place where America practiced safety, you
know, and practiced safety equipment.
Because when you think about Canada, you think, well, what is it?
You know, what is Canada?
It's America's hat.
You know, it's this cold hat that America wears.
If you look at a map, it's like this big cold hat.
And I'll tell you this.
There's people up there.
There's people up there.
And they're as friendly.
I don't feel any stress when I'm in Canada.
You get there and you don't feel like nobody's judgmentally looking around.
There's so much less judgment.
Like, people keep to themselves, but not in a way where they're doing it to
keep away from you.
Like, in America, there's this weird, and maybe I feel it more in Los Angeles,
and that's definitely so.
Like, you go into some smaller towns, into some real communities here in this
fine country, and you don't feel it as much.
But in Los Angeles, you feel everybody, you know, looking over like, oh, who's
this, my love?
You know?
Who's this?
Oh, look at that.
Big Daniel, you know?
With his, you know, full-body cast, you know?
Or who's this bitch over here?
You know, wearing electricity around her neck with them Louis Vuittons or
whatever.
You know?
Who's this?
Oh, this kid's got, you know, this, you know, this kid's a gender-neutral sea
bass.
And he thinks he's a shit.
Because he's got a fin coming out of his back and, you know, four different
types of genitalia between his legs.
Oh.
You know, people think that they're fancy out here.
But you don't feel that in Canada.
In Canada, everybody's just Canadian.
You know, some people may have a little more than others here and t