Name: 12-11-17 A Partridge and the Pression | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #11
Uploaded: 2017-12-11T17:27:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-11-17 A Partridge and the Pression | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #11' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-11-17 A Partridge and the Pression | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #11' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-11. Transcript available.

12-11-17 A Partridge and the Pression | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #11

*music*
*music*
You hear that?
Oh, it's a refreshing Christmas sound right there.
That is Friedrich Thalberg.
Friedrich Thalberg with "Christmas Morning #2" right there.
Bringing us in here on this beautiful, and I mean beautiful, December 11th.
That music, and you've heard that music right there before.
That's kind of like when, on that Home Alone movie when Kevin finds the, you
know, when it's finally Christmas morning and everything is at peace, you know?
You hear it? Listen.
*music*
With the freshly fallen snow.
*music*
And he comes outside of his door.
*music*
And there's his mom.
*music*
*music*
*music*
*music*
*music*
*music*
*music*
*music*
*music*
And he's coming at you somewhere probably from Germany or Hungary.
Out there in the wild, in the wild of Europe.
Friedrich, you can almost picture an old man with a candle.
You know, dog laying next to him.
Dog's probably been dead for two years.
Friedrich has no idea though.
He's just there writing that music.
Old Friedrich Talberg.
This is kind of like if you've ever seen, if you've ever been at work at a
hospital and they, you know,
sometimes they have a gay man or even just a kind of a wild straight man comes
in
and he got something crazy has been put into his butt, you know,
and it could be an animal or a, you know, a wild vase or something, you know,
kind of a small vase or anything like that.
And this is that music when they finally pull it out, you know.
You know what I'm talking about? Let's hear it one more time.
Oh, they're trying to pull a dove out of some fellow's buttocks right here.
Uh-oh.
Looks like they might get it.
A little more morphine.
Ah.
Praise God.
Praise the Lord.
I got a dove.
I got a dove out of my buttocks.
And that happens, man.
It's that time of year.
And it is that time of year.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Holidays.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Kwanzaa.
You know, they always throw Kwanzaa in there for, like, the black community,
but you never hear anybody that celebrates it, you know.
It's like, you know, let's, I mean, I guess it's good,
but I think there's a few other holidays out there.
And on Thursday's episode, we're going to delve into a little bit more of the,
you know, that some of the holiday attractions and Christmas vibe from around
the world.
Just a couple, though, in advance.
You know, in South Africa, they eat fried caterpillars this time of year.
And that's a delicacy.
And I've actually had those in South Africa.
I've been there.
And I've had those treats over there, them crawling treats.
And over there, something, you know, here, I mean, in America, we don't,
animals get more rights because we don't need them as much, you know.
Animals get extra rights here.
You know, you might see two gay dogs getting married here in New Hampshire
or in, you know, over in Albuquerque.
You might see a couple of gay Dobermans out there, you know,
doing sex and looking for ring shopping.
You know, you might see a, here in Beverly Hills, you'll see, you know,
last year they had a famous Bichon that a lady tried to get a nose job for it,
for a Bichon just because, you know, it wasn't, you know,
it wasn't appeasing some of the selfies and stuff she was taking.
For her, it wasn't good enough.
You know, and you'll see, you know, you'll see someone out here with like a,
you'll see like someone like a tender man with like a veal,
but like a baby goat that he rescued or something.
And now he's walking it over there on Santa Monica Boulevard or in West
Hollywood.
But that's just because you don't have, you don't have necessity for the
animals here.
You know, you get up into Montana, you get up into Mississippi,
they got people, they'll, they see a deer, they're going to gun it down, you
know,
and, but they're going to eat it.
They're not just, you know, it's not, they're not just drive by shooting
animals.
You know, they use them.
The animals are of necessity.
And when you get out there to Africa, you get out there to the big black
continent,
you know, the big, that big mysterious, that mother earth.
And that thing is just the damn womb of the world.
If you haven't been to Africa and looked into an African man's eyes,
that's where they got the idea for Lion King.
If you haven't, look, I've been to, I think I've been to Africa maybe six,
seven times.
And you look into a Kenyan man's eyes, you can see the beginning of humanity.
And I know that might sound wild to you, but their eyes just go so much deeper
than, than a lot of other, than a lot of the eyes here in America.
Because we got new eyes here.
You know, this country's only been around for so long.
You know, but you get into the, you get into the depth, into those, you know,
visual swimming pools.
You know, those wading waters that are sitting in a, in a, in an African man's
skull.
You can really, and I'm, I'm serious here.
You can see back into the, almost the beginning of time.
You know, a lot of people out there are looking in space.
Elon Musk out there hunting around in space, how to travel through time.
Well, I'll say this, if you shoot, you fire me good and hard and concise and
you organize me enough
and you shoot me right into a, into a, into a real black African man's eye sockets.
I bet you I show up a million years in the past.
And I'll be back there just bare, just bareback riding a, a damn Valorosisoptus.
You know, I'll be back there.
I'll be back there on one of them snackadactyls, you know, and those are
beautiful animals that only eat snacks.
Imagine that, no meals, lunch, dinner, breakfast, brunch, fuck all that.
Snackadackle eats when it wants to.
It doesn't live by these codes.
A snackadackle eat when it wants to.
Other people sitting down for dessert, a snackadackle break out a bowl of
fucking cereal at 4 a.m.
Because that's how they behave.
But anyway, Africa, they eating caterpillars over there.
It's a tradition.
And that's real.
In Sweden, they got that yule goat.
In Sweden, notorious for the yule goat.
Oleboke.
And I met a couple of Swedish girls when I was in Europe one time.
And a buddy of mine, a Dominican fellow, tried to get me to sleep with them.
And they may have been, by American standards, we were young.
They were young.
I'm going to leave it right there.
Everybody was, you know, kind of just, you know, fresh ages.
But I told my buddy, I said, I don't know, man.
This seemed like a reach, you know.
It seemed like a reach if this girl don't know who the black crows are.
That's where, you know, they're like, what age is too young to make love to a
woman?
I'm like, if she don't know who the black crows are, you know.
That's where I'm at least going to reconsider.
I'm going to phone a friend, you know, before I dick down into some young
territory.
But that girl told me when I met her that oleboke, oleboke, I believe was the
Swedish term for Santa Claus.
But Santa have the Yule goat.
Sweden, I'm sorry, Sweden has that Yule goat.
And the Yule goat isn't a real animal.
That's what it says here.
It's typically made almost entirely of straw in the Swedish tongue.
The Christmas goat is known as the Yulbok.
The Yulbok origins are rooted in mythology, but it's been warmly adopted by the
Swedes as part of modern Christian tradition.
Perhaps too warmly, the Swedish town of Gavel has erected a giant version of
the Yule goat since 1966.
And every year since, people have tried to torch it, kidnap it, and even gut it,
even though it's just made of straw.
At least 28 of the 45 Yule goats have been torched.
So they're burning goats out there in Sweden.
They're burning goats.
You know, and in Los Angeles, you probably couldn't even have a straw goat.
You know, you couldn't even have a straw goat out here.
You couldn't even have it without some limp yellow Muppet, you know, telling
you that it's inhumane.
You know, without some damn amoeba of a human with no spinal column, who's
never done anything except lived off the Internet,
never made any choices for themselves, never even thought a tool belt was a,
you know, something they made tools on,
without some damn cinnamon licorice, cranberry, jelly cranberry sauce-eating,
just tadpole, telling you you can't own a straw goat.
It ain't right, you know, it's a straw goat, it should be free.
It's a, what about, it's never going to find its straw parents.
Hush it up, guy.
That's not a real thing.
So those are some things that go on in the world, and I'm going to get into
more of those on Thursday's episode,
just examining kind of Christmas around the world,
and just what it means to some people, you know, and what it is.
And I've just been fucking stressed, man.
I've been stressed out.
And to be honest, a lot of my stress is coming from, I've just been being lazy.
I've been feeling depressed, honestly.
And how that shows up for me is, you know, I will,
I'll stay up kind of screwing around on the Internet, looking at stuff,
watching videos, and this and that.
And then I won't get to sleep at a proper time, and then I'll stay up, you know,
and then I want to get sleep regular amounts.
The next thing you know, I'm not up till 11.
And the next thing you know, I'm just succumbed with all the things that I want
to do, you know,
because my brain has a to-do list that never ends.
So then I get depressed because I'm not getting all my stuff done, you know.
So I just, sometimes I get in this cycle where I'm just not, you know,
I'm not choosing to take care of myself and to do the things that I need to do
to feel healthy, you know,
and to feel, you know.
It's just like I make my own stress.
It's so bizarre to me because I don't want to be doing that, you know.
I want to be being productive, and it's that time of year where it's like just
a good time to help others
and to not think about myself.
But then here I find this, just this depression sneaking in.
So it's been kind of frustrating, you know, and some of it is just getting up
and going.
You know, I did some yoga at the house, you know, but it's like I'll get into
bed,
and I'll just feel, I don't know, I'll just feel depressed.
I'll feel angry.
Then I start, if I look at social media, of course, that makes you, I mean,
Twitter will make you choke out a cousin, you know.
So it's just been hectic.
It's been hectic, man, a little bit.
I switch medications, you know, I take antidepressants.
And so I switched from one of those because it's making me sleepy.
So I think that could be part of it, and I switched back to an old one I used
to take.
But they say there's that transition zone in there, a couple weeks.
And then antidepressants, when you get off them presents,
when you get off them presents, you, I mean, that's when people,
somebody fly a plane into a, you know, into a senior citizen cafeteria.
You know, there's those type of people.
You know, people burn down a library.
You know, that's when people aren't making good choices, when they're switching
gears.
And so that's where I feel like maybe I'm just going through a little bit of a
switching gears.
So I am grateful that you guys are here with me today because this was
something that I have to do.
You know, and this gave me something to do today.
And if you want to know how depression works for me, man, I'm not trying to debbie
down or nothing, but, you know, I'll tell you.
You know, it's like I get, like, my life is cool.
My life is cool today when I really look at it from an outsider's perspective.
You know, tonight I'm performing.
I got a show, a late show at the Comedy Store.
They have their holiday party.
You know, some of my favorite comedians and friends will be there.
The staff of the Comedy Store.
The booker, the managers.
You know, some of these people are real friends of mine, like people that I
just really care about in my heart.
And they're going to be there.
I'm going to see my buddy Simon Rex is coming over.
We're going to go see our buddy James Blake, who's a musician, who's also one
of the, just a novel young thinker.
And I've gotten to spend some time with the man, and he's just emotionally
a