Name: 12-14-17 Under the Weather. Being Blind | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #59
Uploaded: 2017-12-14T15:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-14-17 Under the Weather. Being Blind | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #59' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-14-17 Under the Weather. Being Blind | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #59' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-14. Transcript available.

12-14-17 Under the Weather. Being Blind | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #59

*music*
Hey-yay, hey-yay, it's heading your way, it's heading our way, that is
Christmas Time 2 by Gavin Luke, and I don't know who Gavin Luke is, it says, I
just read his name off the internet, and that's where I found his name on the
internet, so.
Uh, I sound weird, I'm gonna tell you that out the gate, I sound like I have a,
just kind of a juxtaposition going on with inside of myself, because that is, I
am currently under some general anesthesia.
You know, and, general anesthesia also, not, well, anesthesia, name of a black
girl that I went to school with growing up, beautiful young lady, anesthesia Crandall.
But, uh, general anesthesia, she did not enlist in the military, general anesthesia
is a drug.
And it's a drug they give you when you go in for a type of a surgery or outpatient
type of a surgery or procedure.
And so that's what happened to me.
I got procedurized.
I had to go in and get a procedure.
Here's what, here's what my problem is, I can't smell that good.
You would think I got that snout, you know, I got that killer snout, you know,
I got that face piece.
And you would think that, that I would be able to smell, you know, that I'd be
able to get a hit off of something from, you know, you know, at least 11 feet
away.
You know, I could smell the berry under a pie crust and I could call that thing
out.
That's black.
That's poison.
That's razz.
But the truth is I can't smell that good.
And one of the problems was I couldn't breathe that good at night.
I would lay down at night and I would not be able to breathe.
So in all my dreams, I'm not breathing well, which isn't fun because then in
your dreams, if you want to have a dream, I would find myself in my dreams
going and getting oxygen tanks and stuff like that, you know.
So then all my dreams, I'm carrying like a heavy oxygen thing on my back that a
normal person would do if they were swimming in the ocean or going underwater
looking for shellfish or looking for, you know, treasure.
Very, you know, not buried, but sunken treasure.
So I had to go in and get a procedure where they go in and they have these
things in your inside, like the back of your nose where it hooks into your
skeleton.
I think this is definitely not technical information.
I'm sharing with you where they they got a they got a G up your terminates.
You got terminates inside of your face.
If you ever wonder, you know, am I a superhero?
Could I be a superhero?
Well, I'm telling you right now that legally by the laws of Mother Nature and
the Lord, you have terminates in your face and terminates are the little parts
that that like the canals where the air goes through and it's going back into
your brain.
So you could get that hit off the world, you know, like you might inhale and
you might get 90% air into your face.
I inhale.
I was running about 25%.
So they had to go in there and they literally they put you to sleep.
And they just they get inside of your dome and they and they they G you out,
you know, and it's pretty baffling.
They'll kind of shave down some areas or or G up some other areas, you know,
and I know that's not technical terminology, but that's what they that's what
they did to me.
So I didn't have to have any, you know, my nose gets is now stopped up with,
you know, pieces of the inside of my nose and of blood, I guess, honestly, of
blood and maybe plasma.
I don't know.
So I'm sorry that that's how I sound today, but that's how I sound and there's
not anything else that I can do about it.
I'm still under some, you know, that general anesthesia and and I'm trying to
feel better.
I feel a little bit high, you know, and they hit daddy with the perks boy.
They hit daddy with that 30 pack of Percocets.
And so that was a little while, you know, I took half of one yesterday because
I got the procedure yesterday morning.
And then I'm going to just give the rest over to I don't know what I do with
them if I'm not taking them.
I mean, I guess they I don't want to sell them.
I don't think on the street, you know, because I'm not trying to be like that
and keep drugs out there.
But maybe if I see somebody in pain, you know what I'm saying?
I'll drop one in their mouth, you know, hit him with that Christmas spirit, hit
him with that little hit him with that Grinch's Tylenol, you know, that Percocet.
Oh, man, my nose is backfiring right now, dude. It is gnar gnar.
But I appreciate you guys joining me in and happy Thursday, December 14th.
And thank you guys for being a part of this past weekend.
This is, I believe, the 53rd episode.
So that gets us through an entire year of episodes.
And it's been quite a journey and quite a ride.
And I'm feeling better. A lot of people chimed in about, you know, I wasn't
feeling very good last week.
And I am feeling better.
You know, I'm feeling a little subdued by this, by this, you know, this, the
doctors getting into my snout and, you know, cavernating into my face.
But I'm going to be OK.
I'm going to rebound from this.
In a couple of days, I'll be smelling again.
But I'll say, I'll say this, it's not fun to eat when you can't smell.
Everything you put in your mouth is just a shape or just a, it's just like a,
it's like maybe warm or cold or just a shape.
You know, everything has, there's no value to any of it.
You know, it doesn't have any taste.
And I really, I always thought being blind would be really tough, you know.
And I have a, I have a, I have a friend that's blind and he said that it's not
that bad in there.
And he's honestly honest.
He's really honest dude.
And I'm not saying a lot of blind people aren't honest, but there's this whole
rap about blind people that it's horrible, you know, that it's miserable in
there.
It's dark, dark, dark.
And then it's, you know, people scary.
There's, you know, the winds are always howling and shit in there.
But my cousin, my friend said, not bad, not that bad.
He's also, he's kind of a little bit lazy, I think, but I mean, he's blind.
So it's, you know, six of one, half dozen of the other really, but he said it's
not that bad.
But I always thought that being blind would be the toughest thing to deal with.
But man, having, being tongue blind and being a nose blind, which is when you
can't smell or taste, it's heavy.
It's heavy because everything you put in your mouth, it could be anything.
You know, it has no, you know, yesterday I ate two packs of Kool-Aid powder.
You know, I ate two direct packs of Kool-Aid powder.
And I took them straight to the dome because I'm thinking if I can't taste,
then this is a time when I can do things that normally would be, I wouldn't be
able to do because the taste would revolt me.
You know, so I, I hit that Kool-Aid powder and then hit another flavor.
Couldn't tell the difference between either one of them.
You know, you could take a whole pack of Kool-Aid powder to the dome.
So pretty, I guess, interesting.
I don't know.
I'll be honest with you, man.
I'm wavering in and out with this general anesthesia.
Anesthesia.
And shout out to Anesthesia Crandall back there.
Anesthesia.
Yeah.
But I went in there.
So I went into UCLA Medical.
And the lady said, are you allergic to anything?
And I said, cocaine, baby cat.
You know, I said, don't tell, just tell that doctor not to prescribe any grams
for me because daddy will be, I'll be back.
You know, I'll be filling that script.
I'll turn a ball into a 16 ball like that.
But happy December.
We started off with a little bit of, with Christmas music there.
And I got an, I got to tell you guys, Tiny Sandhu is coming back at us next
week.
I hit him up.
I emailed him.
I said, Tiny, I said, we need something.
You know, we got the holidays coming up.
And he sent me a riff.
It's him playing Jingle Bells on his electric guitar and his fire.
And I'm going to bring that to you guys next week.
As well, I wanted to play a call that came in from a caller about, excuse me,
man.
A call that came in from a caller about, you know, an issue that I had with a
caller's girlfriend on the road a while back.
A while, while back, you know, beginning of the year.
And I wanted to play that.
But I'm just in such a weird headspace today that I'm going to play it on
Monday when I'm a little bit more, you know, fully released from whatever's
going on in my, in my face and skull.
My skull.
Because my skull don't feel right.
My skull don't feel, my skull feels left.
If you know what I'm saying.
But, but what else?
We got the holidays coming up.
We got Tiny San Who hit us with that header.
It's coming in.
I want to thank Gray Block Pizza.
Because you know they always on board with them pies.
Get that Italian pie.
Ooh.
What's in your mouth?
Ooh.
That Gray Block.
Put it in your mouth.
Get that in, huh?
So that's something, man.
That's over there in Los Angeles.
And I wanted to talk about some of these Christmases, you know.
They got different Christmases around the world.
In Australia, they got a dude named Krampus.
And this fella named Krampus, he beats naughty children with branches.
He beats naughty children with branches.
And we call that, basically in America, I'm going to tell you that we call that
a step daddy.
We call that a step daddy.
And everybody got that step daddy.
That's kind of crazy.
First time you see that dude, you're like, man, he got some wild pants.
His pants look weird.
You know, the hair on it, you know.
That's when you first notice hair on a man's legs when you see a step daddy.
He wearing shorts to church.
Man, that's a sin.
Dude, if I see somebody with shorts on in church, boy.
Boy, you might as well pull their card right there and check the hell box.
I can't imagine you going to heaven if you got wearing shorts to church.
That's a great, I mean, that's a, that's definitely, that's hell bound behavior,
I feel like.
Just my thoughts.
But that's something that happened in Australia.
They beat naughty children with branches.
They get that Adrian Peterson on them.
Boy, that thousand yard rusher.
And that's Krampus.
But I like that at least, because in America, all you have is Santa.
You know?
It's not like if you either get Santa or you get Santeria.
You know, where either Santa shows up or, you know, this satanic cult shows up.
You know?
And rearranges your freaking fingers.
You know, you know, you wake up in the morning and your thumb is in the middle
on your hand.
You know?
And you can't tell if you're hitching a rod or flipping people off.
You know, I just wish there was like a double, you know, another sword.
Because it's just Santa's gonna come.
Santa's not coming.
That's what they say to children.
Santa's not coming.
Oh, really?
He came last year.
And I was an asshole last year.
So, I don't know.
Man.
A lot going on in my skull right now.
In Catalonia, in Catalonia, that is, I'm gonna go with Italian.
And I would wager half of my money on that, Alex.
I'm gonna go with Italian.
In Catalonia nativity scenes, they have something called the Caganer.
C-A-G-A-N-E-R.
And it's a defecating man.
It's that deuce man.
Deuce deuce, boy.
You got that dude getting shitty in the nativity.
You know?
And that's wild.
That really adds an extra edge to the, an extra edge to the whole story.
You know, you got the three wise men and you got that mad shitter in the corner.
That dude that's been doing cocaine or had too much coffee at the bus stop.
You know, he's over there shitting in the corner of the scenario.
That's pretty fucking gangster when you think about it.
I got to say shout out to Catalonia, man, for doing that.
Because that's wild.
Nativity scenes would be really spiced up if shit was, you know, you know, like
say you throw a dude into one of them that had a grill.
Some dude that was working a big grill.
Suddenly the sheep and the, the donkey, they got a wild look in their eyes
because they're either, you know, they're trying to be down with the savior,
but he's a newborn.
You know, and they don't know if they're making friends with him quick enough
before the, the dude running that grill is going to s