Name: 12-18-17 The Purge. Animal Man. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #60
Uploaded: 2017-12-18T14:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-18-17 The Purge. Animal Man. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #60' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-18-17 The Purge. Animal Man. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #60' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-18. Transcript available.

12-18-17 The Purge. Animal Man.  | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #60

That's him.
That's him, and he sent that riff in, boy.
It is Monday, December 18th, in the year 2017.
A lot going on, and that's Tiny Sandhu showing up for you.
Showing up for you.
You know, the email came in a while back.
I said, Tiny, this is the exact email I sent to Tiny.
I said, Tiny, people want to hear a Christmas ballad with some vocals of your
own.
What about either Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree or any good Christmas song
you like?
Can you get us one?
Thanks, the fans love Tiny.
And then I get this from Tiny.
Yo, yo, how about this jingle bell?
Dig, dot, dot, dot, Tiny.
And he played this, his riff, this homemade Tiny Sandhu from the depths of the
earth, from the inner canals of Mother Earth.
You know, coming straight out that frickin' warm ovary in the center of this
fine planet we live on.
Take one more hit off of that.
Jingle bells made specially for you by Tiny Sandhu.
One horse will be slay.
One horse won't be slay.
One horse won't be slay.
One horse won't be slay.
One horse won't be slay.
One horse won't be slay.
One horse won't be slay.
One horse won't be slay.
One horse won't be slay.
And I was just checking down the line there to see if he gives us any vocals
there.
And we don't get any vocals.
We don't get to hear the Tiny.
And people, you know, send in beautiful pictures and ideas of what Tiny is.
You know, somebody sent in like a groundhog type of character.
You know, people have, you know, sent in pictures.
Somebody sent in a, you know, picture of an Indian man in a baby carriage.
You know, people have sent in different ideas.
You know, somebody sent in a picture of a, like a little bit of like a mollusk
with glasses on, like a smart mollusk and a harp.
If you can picture a mollusk playing a harp.
And so people are sending in all types of ideas of what Tiny is.
And I guess to me what Tiny kind of has become is become, you know, he's just
become a joy provider.
I mean, he's just that, he's that Verizon of joy.
Because we reach out to Tiny, we ask him for joy, and he sends it.
And that's it.
That's all he does.
That's all he does.
And that's, I mean, you know, with the year coming in, closing in, and I'm
starting to think about next year.
Man, that's something that I want to do a little bit more of, to be honest,
dude.
I don't want to be out here just beating other people with my nuts.
You know, and just, you know, bringing sharp confetti to every party I go to.
And, you know, I don't want to be, I just don't want to be caught up in the
circle of whatever the problem is anymore.
You know, whatever's going on out there, I don't want to be more of the
bullshit.
You know?
I don't want to be, I just don't want to be that.
I want to be that tiny sand who that just shows up with the riffs and drops
that sweet cabbage into your ear, into your ears.
You know, that just fills up your fucking ear bowls with that sexy, sultry,
sound soup.
That's sand who.
Man, he's a dirty little grifter, isn't he?
He's a dirty little grifter.
And I'll let the whole song play out at the end of the episode today.
Welcome to this past weekend.
It is, again, it is December 18, 2017.
And we're closing in on the end of the year, man.
It's wintertime.
The power out at the Atlanta airport.
If you heard about that, they shut it down.
That Tricity.
They shut down that Tricity.
And shout out to my girl, Tricity Walters, actually.
They had an urban girl when I was growing up in middle school with them, Tricity,
from my hometown, Tricity Walters.
And she could jump, man.
This girl could jump.
She'd jump over you.
She would jump over you, dude, if she didn't like you.
She just had springs just in her legs.
Like, she was just, she was probably damn 60%, 60%, you know, dove or fawn.
And, and she would jump right over you.
Speaking of doves or fawn, dude, my cousin got bit by a gay guy out here in Los
Angeles, you know.
So, you know, been keeping tabs on him.
You know, some fever here and there, but everything, I think he's going to be
fine.
Man, that was during Halloween.
And he hadn't fully recovered, but he got bit by a man on Halloween dressed up
like a baby deer, like a fawn.
And it was a gay gentleman.
And I'm not sure if the fella, you know, had misplaced my cousin for someone
else or what had happened.
My cousin was walking out here on Highland Boulevard and a gay gentleman
dressed up like a baby deer came out of the hedges and bit him.
And the man was, you know, bit him on the back and left some, you know, a
little bit of teeth marks and some cinnamon lip gloss on his back.
Where he, my cousin got, you know, got snacked on.
Basically, they're snacking on these straight boys off of Highland Boulevard.
So, if you have a friend out here in Los Angeles who's walking on Highland who's
straight, have them take an Uber.
You know, because they got these gay gentlemen dressed up out there like deers
that are snacking on these straight boys.
But, yeah, here we are.
And welcome to this past weekend.
Thank you guys for being here with me.
Happy holidays.
Merry Christmas to you guys.
People are gearing up.
You know, I remember this time of year when I was a kid at school.
It was always like you were going into the biggest break.
You know, the biggest break you had as a child, as a child, was that Christmas
break, you know.
When you were gearing up and you were going to be off for Christmas.
You know, and that was such a big time.
And, you know, seeing your friends and, you know, talking about all the things
you were going to get.
Like, I even remember in kindergarten, we would go and sit.
You know, at the beginning of kindergarten, our parents would drop us off.
And we'd go sit on this big rug.
And, you know, we'd be watching morning cartoons or whatever.
And the morning cartoons would be coming on.
But the commercial breaks, all the toys would show.
And all the kids would be like, I got that.
I'm getting that.
I got that.
I'm getting that.
I remember that being like the big thing was during that, you know, that break.
To just tell everybody you were getting everything.
And sometimes some of the boys would even, you know, say, I'm getting that.
And it would be like a girl's, you know, tea set or something.
And you'd be like, okay, you know.
That boy wants some different stuff.
You know, he don't want the He-Mans.
You know.
He wants other things.
You know, he wants the sparkly ponies and that.
And so that was always kind of a unique experience when you, you know, when one
boy would just accidentally, Freudianly slip.
Like, you know, I want that.
I got that.
And it would be, you know, it would be like a She-Ra or a Care Bear, you know,
a Care Bear, you know, neck brace and hospital kind of set up for children that
wanted to play hospital.
You know, those were just different gifts.
They held tiny micro machines.
That was the big gift.
I remember when I was young, people wanted these micro machines, little bitty
cars.
And that was the gift to get micro machines.
And the guy would be on the commercial, like, do you, he would talk so fast.
He'd be like, do you want the micro machines?
Do you want the micro machines?
I'm from New York.
You know.
And then he would talk about the micro machines.
But, yeah, that was fun when you were a kid, man, getting ready to be out of
school.
You know, it was just a, you know, that crazy time.
And Santa was coming and anything could happen.
You know, and then I would, and then as you get older, it kind of, you know,
the Christmas break, I remember, like, in junior high, it would be, somebody
would have, like, a nice party.
It would be a good time when you first usually got drunk, I feel like.
It was during the holidays because there was extra liquor around.
There's always extra liquor around during the holidays.
If you notice that, there's always a little bit of extra wine.
More people are stopping by.
You know, there's a little bottle of brandy left out.
And you can easily cop a little bit of sipper here or there.
You can get that hitter, you know.
And I remember we got drunk one time over there in Atlanta and filled some wine
bottles with water and went out there and threw them off the overpass at cars
going by.
And I really regret some of that behavior, you know.
And I think in this time of year, I start thinking about just things I regret a
little bit from the year, you know, because this is kind of like a time where
this time of year for me, things slow down.
You know, things out here in Los Angeles kind of slow down, like people are on
fire and shit like that.
So everybody's, you know, people aren't bitching and complaining as much about
everything.
You know, people are, you know, trying to save their homes and stuff because
they're dealing with real shit.
And in my life, things just slow down.
You know, I'm going to go home for the holidays.
I'm leaving on Thursday.
I'm pretty excited.
And I get that, you know, I just get that, you know, I get that slow down
feeling.
You know, and I start thinking about people that I've ran into over the year.
I start thinking if there's people that I need to talk to or apologize to.
You know, just things I need to purge.
Because things I don't want to take into, I don't want to take in next year.
You know, and I don't want to.
I just want to be that sweet riffer that shows up, you know.
I want to be that first place canary.
Sometimes I find myself just being this dodo bird.
You know, I just keep carrying around the same bullshit with me, the same lies,
the same ridiculousness.
And it's not, it just doesn't help me.
I wonder why my life doesn't evolve sometimes.
And it's because it's hard for it to evolve.
When I got these thick brake pads made out of my own bullshit that are stopping
the rotors all the time.
You know, and I find that sometimes.
Sometimes I just, you know, maybe I'm being vague, but it's like, you know, I'm
just staying in a relationship that I shouldn't be in.
Or, you know, it could be even like a friendship or just a, you know, I'm
staying in a job where I know I'm not happy.
You know, I'm keeping text chains going with that.
I know there's no, I don't really have any interest in somebody.
I'm just, you know, I'm just keeping bullshit alive.
It's like I'm a juggler, but all my balls in the air are bullshit.
You know, and maybe two or three real balls.
And that's what I'd like to do.
I'd like to drop those bullshit balls and get into something real coming up.
You know, just so I can open up more possibility for some legit shit in my life.
You know?
And I know I say you know all the time.
You know, people comment about that.
So I'm going to try to keep tabs on it.
This episode, I'll see how I do.
But it's, yeah, you just want to, you want to, you want to, you know, I just
want to, I want to be juggling real shit.
So when people come up and they see, they're like, oh, that man juggles real
balls.
You know, he's not out there with these bullshit balls.
You know, he's not out there with these bologna balls.
You know, or these spam spheres.
That boy's juggling beef.
You know?
That boy's juggling ticket teriyaki.
So I want to be juggling real meats next year.
And that's one of my goals is to just be juggling the real shit.
You know?
And to get some people, you know, I got, it's just, it's a good time, man.
You got Christmas.
Give out some gifts.
Feel some joy.
Don't feel bad about yourself.
If you don't have the nicest shit, you ain't giving somebody a, you know,
sometime your neighbor, you know, want a new hose or they want a saw.
You know, if you can't get them a saw, you can't get them a saw.
You know, you can't get everything.
I remember one year my mother didn't have a lot of money and she got us two
liter sodas from the gas station.
You know, from a Phillips 76 or a Conoco or whatever.
And man, you think we didn't have any fun with those, boy?
All day, dude.
Running around, shaking them up and spraying each other.
You know?
And I remember mine was a Cherry 7-Up diet, of course.
My mother was real adamant abo