Name: Theo Apologizes For Hooking Up With Dude's Date
Uploaded: 2017-12-21T03:36:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Apologizes For Hooking Up With Dude's Date' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Apologizes For Hooking Up With Dude's Date' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-21. Transcript available.

you know a call this call came in many months ago and uh and i should have got
to it and i don't know
if i didn't because i was ashamed or if i was i don't know what some of my
thoughts and feelings
were but i want to get to it now uh and here we go all right what's up theo i
met you in dallas
the uh improv addison i had a cute date with me and uh i went to the show had a
great time
he killed it about some time and we ended up partying after and i know the
audio is rocky on
this but it's just the best that they have this is how the call came in uh and
this is a young
as a gentleman saying that they came out to the show in addison um and that
they came out to the
show and that we all hung out after me and him and he had a cute date let's
hear more i think i'm pretty
sure you remember and i do i do remember and uh it was just a great night and
uh
a couple nights later that girl you know what i'm talking about came came over
my place we got
fucked up we're hanging out i'm playing theo vaughn videos on my computer like
a little fanboy
and while he's talking about the videos i'm going to say don't forget to
subscribe on youtube
and this is not the most opportune time for me to mention that but if you
subscribe on youtube i will
appreciate that and that's just a dark joke because you know this guy's here
sharing his feelings so the
girl's over at his house and they're watching you know he's just being
supportive he's showing her
funny stuff onward and uh i'm pretty much sucking your dick figuratively yeah
and that's just figuratively
i think and i don't even know what figuratively means it means the one where it
doesn't really
happen let's hear more talking about how funny you were what a cool guy you
were and uh she starts
crying the bitch starts crying i'm like why is this bitch crying right now and
uh come to find out
that i guess she snuck on over to your place the following evening and you guys
got a little hanky
panky going which is fucking hilarious and so a couple things right there you
know i mean for one
and i'll just bring it up you know he says this bitch you know and i mean that
part kind of turned
me off in the call um but i think he's probably at the time of this call was
angry at this young lady
you know and i can understand and i can understand being angry at her and i can
understand him being
angry at me and he's saying that you know he she's over at his place he's
playing videos you know you
know they're talking about what a good time he's talking he's talking about
what a good time they had
at the show uh that they enjoyed my show we had fun hanging out after which we
did and then a few
later that she snuck over to meet up with me for a little bit of that hank pank
and and then she's
crying and she's she tells him that onward and i also was fucking shitty
because this this is probably the first bitch i liked in a few years i did
genuinely like her and it
kind of caught me off guard and i like you too obviously you're my favorite
comedian we hung out
we had a good time but i gotta say i don't really blame you for any of this if
i was in your shoes
i saw that ass i'll be like fuck it i'm going in and i do recollect that the
woman had a nice ass he's
saying if i was in your shoes and i saw that ass that i would go in you know i'd
get you know aim for
that ass get up in that ass you know like uh like ben affleck and um that big
black guy in armageddon
when they try to get up on that rock in the air and save the universe with steve
buscemi
and you know i got you know i got a couple of different thoughts you know you
don't really blame
me um i appreciate this call man you know let's let's hear you out let's hear
you out
um but uh it was kind of a dick move but uh i hope you'll include this on your
podcast so
people can know a little bit more about your life and what life is like on the
road and uh yeah
i uh kind of want to thank you because i was thinking about dating this girl
seriously
oh and that part i'm gonna cut it there you know just because i mean i i heard
it before
and you know he liked her and he was thinking about dating her seriously and
then because of
you know what happened with me and her then that it made him realize that it
wasn't the best case
scenario and i want to apologize man you know and i texted him personally i
left him a voicemail
personally to apologize um and uh and i you know i mean i feel i feel bad you
know definitely my behavior
you know the girl reached out to me um and we ended up hooking up and getting
involved with some
american sex you know nothing wild nothing foreign and not even good sex you
know i'm not good at sex
so it was bad it was that fainting goat kind of syndrome that i have that i get
sometimes you know
where you know you start going and next thing you know you just holding your
breath and then you faint
like those animals on the internet like those shy goats and that's kind of what
happened to me you
know and that's you know and i've never really been good at sex i was real good
at sex i think
you know when uh when you when sex is more popular when you were sober you know
sober sex is for
children i think you know adults that are fucking sober that shit is awkward
that shit's really
awkward i think but sober sex i've always thought was for children but yeah man
she uh you know she
reached out and i complied i remember the moment that i got this message from
her and i'm thinking man
should i be doing this you know here was a you know a fellow that came out to
the show we had a good
time i remember we all went out to the bar and hung out you know and this
probably about a year ago
and and it was and i knew that the answer was no but then that's when something
boiled up inside of
me you know it was almost like a caterpillar climbed out of my nuts with a
message from my dick
and crawled all the way up into my brain and gave that message it was almost
like paul revere a little
bit you know the vagina is coming the vagina is coming and climbed into my
brain and once that
paul revere that that catapult that catapult got into my brain i couldn't relax
i couldn't i couldn't
fight the message at that point you know i couldn't stop myself and that's just
you know it was a series
of reactions then you know i'm texting with the gal and i kept i remember
almost not really hanging
spinning you know she was a beautiful girl and i mean i'm just sorry man i don't
know if i'm you
know just going in circles here i'm just trying to give a little bit more
background of the story
but i'm sorry you know i shouldn't have done that shit you know um but then you
know sometime i just
can't help but be you know i was that man you know i was that wild man out
there i wasn't having enough
you know morale for myself to hold on to my own nut you know i was trying to
get out there and be wild
with that you know with my body you know and get out there and be in people's
orifices and everything
you know and be like a real you know just loitering around people's orifices
and women this woman's
orifices and i just want to say that i'm sorry man i appreciate you uh
appreciate you calling and
talking about it and and i apologize and i want to let people know that if you
you know come out to the
show with your lady that that's not the type of thing it is you know i'm not
out there trying to
seek and destroy anybody's relationships or anybody's first dates and i
remember this was a
first date scenario um and now i'm just kind of backpedaling i guess maybe
trying to defend myself
here but you know but i should have manned up and been like that's bullshit you
know but i went out
there and tried to catch that you know try to catch that cooter frisbee in my
mouth you know like a wild
Australian Shepherd.
And that's what I did.
You know, and I just, you know, at least,
at the very least, brother, no, that it was bad sex,
that I'm the, you know, I'm that bad sex bandit.
You know, I'm that bone ranger.
You know, I'm that bad sex bandit.
I'm in and out of there like it's a bank, you know.
Get in, try to get the money.
Shit's awkward.
There's an alarm.
There's an old man with a gun.
There's a black security guard.
He's resting.
And next thing you know, I'm out of there.
And it was not a good show.
No money.
And now a rap sheet.
And this is my rap sheet, man.
And this is, you know, this is the truth.
And I just wanted to put some skin in the game, too,
on this podcast because guys call all the time
and share things that are, you know, real in their life
and kind of explore who they are.
And women do, too.
And sometimes I don't know if I do that.
But yeah, man, I just want to apologize.
You know, I don't think I should have done that behavior.
It's not a behavior that I'm proud of.
And here's why I know I should apologize.
Because at this point here and back on it,
when I heard this call,
I knew it wasn't something that I was proud of.
You know?
You know, I knew it wasn't something that I was proud of.
I knew that I, you know, that I was that sneak.
You know, that I was that hamburglar.
And I'm out there stealing the meat rounds.
You know, I'm out there stealing them fucking titty patties.
You know, I'm out there stealing them titty patties
and them vagina nuggets.
You know, while this man's out there, you know,
you know, sharing a shake with his lady,
two straws and a chocolate cup.
And I'm out there sneaking around back
and sneaking around with them titty patties
and them, you know, vagina nuggets.
So, I'm sorry, dude.
And if you come out again, dude, next year,
or whenever I come back there,
I think I've even been back there once since.
But if you come back again, man,
I got tickets for you, you know.
And I won't even talk to your date at all
or look at her.
And that's that, man.
You know, that's what happens.
So, fuck.
That's it, bro.
That's it, dude.
And, you know, I just want to...
I appreciate you calling.
I appreciate you having the balls to call me on it.
And, you know, it's not the person that I want to be,
the dude that's out there that's, you know,
giving in just to try and catch a little bit of that,
you know, to catch a little bit of that slick wallet
from any local lady.
And that's not the man I am now.
But I can't say that when that opportunity,
when that happened, that I wasn't that man.
So, but onward, bro.
And thank you.