Name: Retired Detective Talks About Going Undercover as a Prostitute
Uploaded: 2025-10-10T15:52:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Retired Detective Talks About Going Undercover as a Prostitute' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Retired Detective Talks About Going Undercover as a Prostitute' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-10. Transcript available.

Retired Detective Talks About Going Undercover as a Prostitute

You ended up in the human trafficking unit.
Is that the safe term or how does that work?
So I was in a district detective at Dorchester and then I went for several
years, like five years or so, to the human trafficking unit and then I went
back to Dorchester.
But yes, I had a five-year stint in the human trafficking unit as a detective.
So what is your definition of human trafficking?
Let's just get that clear because you hear so much, right?
Like a few years ago, you would hear this social kickball that was big.
This was big four years ago and everybody notices it's gone now, right?
Notice how the kickballs fly.
It's like, oh, that's the big thing.
Everybody's commenting on it online and now it's gone, right?
It's really out of the zeitgeist.
I know there's still things happening, but notice how that happens, right?
And everybody's like, you'd see memes online.
It's like tonight while you sleep, one and a half million children will be
taken on trains across America being human trafficked.
And you're like, what in the shit, dude?
So what did you really see?
What were you expecting when you got into that space?
I didn't know, like everybody else.
I didn't really know what that meant.
I just, you know, I knew someone asked me if I wanted to join the unit and, you
know, I didn't know a lot about it.
I thought it was just like the movies, like, you know, people being snatched
off the street and forced into, to be prostitutes.
In my experience, at least when I did it, that was not the case.
So I guess human trafficking is like when someone's trafficked for the purpose
of, to sell sex, right, against their will through, you know, coercion or force
or threats or whatever.
But when I got there, a lot of the cases we had, it's funny, there were just
several pimps that kind of ran the city that were involved.
You always came back to the same, like, six or seven guys who always had all
these different women working for them.
And it was always girls, not always, I shouldn't say that, mostly it was girls
from the neighborhood or just outside the city, like the suburbs or whatever.
And something in their life, like, was fucked up, whether it was, you know, a
parent situation where they had one parent or they'd been, like, sexually
abused as kids themselves.
Or there was, like, a DCF, which is Department of Children and Families, like,
there were foster kids.
It was always kind of something missing.
It could just be they weren't getting attention at home or they weren't happy.
And the pimps, a lot of them could be very charming.
And they would meet these girls.
They'd just meet them in the street, go to the train station.
They'd hang at the T in Boston.
Or I, one girl, it was a guy I started talking to when she was walking down the
street.
And, like, oh, you're pretty.
You want to be in a music video?
And she's, like, a teenage girl.
Yeah, that'd be cool.
And she went and, like, they shot the video.
And then, like, say, like, we have to finish the video.
And then they, like, make her go to another state.
And, like, oh, we're going to take pictures of you and put you online.
And you're going to, you know, have sex with these guys for money.
They don't get any of the money.
The pimps get all the money.
So that was a situation where it was kind of, she was not allowed.
She was not willing.
Like, that was kind of a quick one, like, over a week or two.
But a lot of them, they groom the girls for a long time.
They, oh, you don't have any money?
I'll give you some money.
I'll take you to get your nails done, honey.
I had one guy.
I literally had text messages for, like, a month's worth.
And you could see him grooming her.
She worked in a store.
I think her dad, her mother was deceased.
And her dad now wanted to be a woman.
And it was, like, fucking with her head.
And he, like, changed his name to Susan or something.
And she met this guy working in a store.
And he was, like, he's, like, oh, you're working today, honey?
I'll bring you a tuna sandwich.
And I don't want you hungry.
And you could see it was, like, you know, this progression of a relationship.
And, like, a month later, she was, like, oh, that's my boyfriend.
A lot of them think this pimp's their boyfriend.
And, like, a month later, you could see the messages.
He's, like, all right, we have seven guys coming in.
And, you know, you're going to do all seven of them at a party.
There's, like, a bachelor party or some shit.
And then she's, like, can I keep, you know, 100 bucks for the piggy bank?
And he's, like, no, it's all mine.
It was, like, $1,000.
So it's, like, they see something missing in their lives.
And they just manipulate them.
Or they're, like, they're a little messed up to begin with.
They're, like, they're in a bad situation.
They don't know how to get out of it.
They think these guys are boyfriend.
You'll do this if you love me kind of shit.
So that was a lot of the sex trafficking that you saw, huh?
Yeah, that was in my experience, yes.
There wasn't a lot of people being snatched off the street.
Like, no one's being shipped in in a shipping container from Russia.
And all these girls getting, you know, the nail salon, the spas are a little
bit different.
The Asian women, they were moving them around.
Yeah, that's more like Jackie, Jackie.
But those were tough because the second we try to, like, go in and...
They move.
They're gone.
They're gone to New York, New Jersey.
Just pick up the pain and roll.
They're gone.
They don't know their names.
There's, like, how many different dialects have been...
Can't pronounce their name.
Chinese.
And they're trying to get our Chinese officers, hey, can you translate this?
And they're like, it's a different dialect.
Like, it was a disaster.
So those were tough.
Yeah, you don't even know.
You're like, we're looking for a...
So we did those.
Yeah, that's crazy.
That kind of shit's wild.
And I don't like those kind of places.
I'll say that.
I'll walk into one of those salons or whatever.
I'll say, if anybody jerks me off, I'm jerking them off.
That's what I tell them.
No homo either.
I'm just saying, but you know what I'm saying?
I'll put the pressure on everybody in the building.
Just so everyone knows what you're going into when you get in there.
Don't even jerk me off.
If somebody tries to even sneak up on me and jerk me off.
Some of these girls would sleep in there.
They would sleep on the beds at night when it's closed.
And then they wake up and jerk you off.
That's a problem.
But one of them had...
We went in one of those sinks.
There were baby turtles in the sink filled with water swimming around.
I'm like, what the fuck is that?
They like the animalia in there.
They love aqua animals, a lot of aquariums.
I don't know if they were going to make soup out of it.
I don't know what the hell they were doing.
That's true.
I don't know what they were doing with those things.
We're like, what the fuck?
I don't know.
You know?
And we also did party human trafficking and we did what we call John Stings.
We target the sex buyer rather than...
That's kind of a...
It was a European model that they found to be more effective rather than, you
know,
cops used to arrest the prostitute.
Well, what about the guy paying for it?
Of course, yeah.
So then you target that angle of it.
Like we're going to tell you, if you don't have buyers, then no one's going to
be selling
it.
They tried to do it kind of backwards that way.
So we would do what we call John Stings and we'd put ads online.
Backpage doesn't exist anymore, but we'd put them on that.
It was Craigslist first and then it was Backpage.
I don't know how they're doing it now, whether it's on Insta or, you know,
TikTok.
I don't know where the hell they're doing it now.
I've been out of the unit for about six years now.
We'd have parties and people would find people on Backpage and invite them over,
you know,
and like they would hire strippers and stuff like that to come and dance or
hang out.
So it was definitely a place where people were kind of eliciting illegal
activities.
Oh yeah, that was there.
Yeah.
When you put an ad in, you could pay extra to bump it at the top.
So it was so prevalent when we were doing it.
Like we'd put an ad in the morning.
Say I put my ad on.
We like three or four of us in the office would do fake ads and you'd have to
do like real
photos because the guys who were doing it all the time, like we'll do reverse
Google
image search to find out, did this picture appear someplace else?
So they know if it's a fake photo, because then maybe you're a cop or you're
not going
to look like who you're pretending you look like.
So we'd all put our ads up.
And then, you know, you put on at 8, at 830, your phone's ringing.
It's crazy.
830 in the morning, they're already starting to call.
And we'd set up our dates for the day.
Like we'd have a hotel room and we'd be waiting in the hotel room and we'd have
dates
set up every half an hour to show up.
And will y'all hide under the bed?
No, no one's hiding under the bed.
I would have to open the door and there'd be like guys like in the bathroom,
officers in
the bathroom behind the wall.
So my trick was, I was at like 45, 46 when I was doing it.
And my ad, I'm supposed to be 34.
I didn't fucking look 34, but I'd open the door, I'd have like my hair.
Oh, you would be the girl?
Oh, I was the prostitute.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
What?
So I'd have to talk to them on the phone.
Were y'all understaffed or something?
They just shouldn't have you, also the detective.
Well, no, you have to have, you're the one, you're the one establishing
probable cause.
So if someone else is doing it and then you have to like go testify in court,
well, you're
not the one that had the interaction with them.
So what we do, we put our ad on the line, you'd put your photos and some stupid
saying
like, you know, what you're offering and how much it costs.
And of course it's acronyms for everything.
That's what I didn't know anything about this before I started about GFE, which
is girlfriend
experience, which means he'll kiss you.
Full service means like sex and a blow job.
And then there's like Russian and Greek and there's all these stupid acronyms
for everything
else.
And they, they thought they were being clever by saying, oh, I want GFE.
So they're not asking for sex.
Oh, I see.
So by them saying, I want GFE or I want Russian or I want this, they think they're
being clever,
except you can say like, well, based on my training experience, I know Russian
means
titty job, like, or whatever.
And then, so you taught, they call you on the phone.
A titty job.
Yeah.
That's a Russian, by the way.
I didn't know that.
I'll take it.
I mean, whatever they're getting, you know what I mean?
It is.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
That's okay.
So you'd, you'd basically talk to them on the phone.
They call you.
And some of them are real nervous, obviously.
You could tell the long time or say you got right to business.
And some of them want to flirt with you on the phone or whatever.
Can you send pictures of your eyes or your feet?
The foot fetish guys are out there big time.
But, and then you're like, the more you do it, I'm like, I don't have time for
this shit.
Like, do you want to come, you were showing up or not?
So you'd basically make the arrangement.
So once they showed up, you already have probable cause.
They always, already agreed to pay you for sex before they ever showed up.
So then by them showing up at the hotel, they're like basically completing the
entire,
um, the elements of the crime.
They showed up, they already agreed to pay you for such and such.
So then you can arrest them.
Right.
When they get there, really?
Yeah, but like, depending where we do it, if we did it like nights or downtown
parts of
the high end hotels would let us use their rooms.
Oh yeah, high end would have to do anything in there.
Every time we did it, we got a doctor.
Every fucking time.
The Brigham Hospital, one of the best hospitals in the world, allegedly.
The Be