Name: 12-21-17 How to be a Man at Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #61
Uploaded: 2017-12-21T14:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-21-17 How to be a Man at Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #61' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '12-21-17 How to be a Man at Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #61' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-21. Transcript available.

12-21-17 How to be a Man at Christmas | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #61

This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
This Past Weekend
That's a nice one right there
Oh Holy Night
That's a good one right there and that is
Oh Holy Night
That's a beautiful song right there
And it is
By Johannes Borloff
Born
Bornloff
Johannes Bornloff
And he's coming to us live from another country
Not live but
He was live at one point
Johannes Born sounds dead like he might actually be deceased
These days
Thank you guys for joining me
Merry almost Christmas
Happy
Holidays
Whatever you celebrate
I hope you got a little bit of joy in you
That's Oh Holy Night right there
And they I think they're talking about
The night
Of our dear Savior's birth
That's what they're going into there
You know and I think that's just that night where
You know that baby shows up
Where that baby shows up
And that baby they're talking about the dang Lord
You know
They're talking about that mulligan
You know they're talking about humanity's mulligan
You know they're talking about humanity's mulligan
When God was like
Dang uh
This ain't going so hot
I'm gonna have I'm gonna send somebody to a trooper
I'm gonna send my little super trooper down there
To shake it up
Shake it up
And that's when we got the Lord
And he showed up as a baby
You know
The Lord showed up as a dang
Baby
And people don't think about that sometimes
You know
Cause if I
Like if I
If I go into battle
If I'm going out there to get things done
If I
You know what I'm saying
Heck if I even go outside and it's raining
I need an umbrella
If I even
You know
If it's gonna be dusty
I need to
You know
Have special goggles
You know
If I'm going
You know
If I'm going into a scary area
I might take a bow and arrow
Take a little hatchet
But to think that the Lord
Showed up out here
He showed up out here
As a baby
To do battle
And that's
That's sneaky
And that's beautiful
And that's one thing that I think sometimes about
You know
When you get into these stories of
Into these religious tales
You know
And you hear
You hear them and you're
And
You know
They're all kind of like a
They're all
You know
Fables if you will
And I'm not saying that
You know
I'm not
I'm not commenting on religion here
They're all stories
That's what I'm saying
They're all stories
They're all histories
That are meant to teach us something
You know
No matter what book you're reading the story in
Or no book at all
But I do believe
If you're out there running freelance
Without any higher power in your life
Good luck out there
Okay
Because you're trying to work an iPhone
Without a charger cable
As far as I'm concerned
But it is interesting when
You think about that
The Lord showed up as a dang
Baby to do battle
Dude
That's the last thing I would do
It just doesn't seem
It's
You know
Well first of all
Nobody expects it
So it's crafty
That's crafty
But you're just so
You don't have any real
I mean your special skills
Are crying
You know
Cuteness
You know
You know
Making noises
Cute noises
That's like your
Basically your superpower
Is cute noises
And burping
I mean that was the Lord's
Super powers
When he showed up as a baby
You know
And that's just brave I think
I think it's brave to show up
And do battle
To take
The
Take away the
Sins of the wild
As a dang baby
You know
Spider-Man was Peter Parker
You know
Clark Kent
You know
At least Superman
He started off
He worked at a newspaper
But the Lao
Showed up and said
You know what
Send me in as a baby
And I'm still gonna get the job done
So I gotta say
World's most successful baby
Or entrepreneur as a human
The Lord
And it's that time of year man
And that's what they're talking about
That oh holy night
And it's just about
You know
How you show up
How do you show up?
And this holiday season
That's what I'm thinking about
You know
It's been a tough year
For me it's been a tough year
I feel like to be a man
You know
We've discussed that over the year
And you know
We've all thought about it
We've had a lot of callers
And it's been tough
And I'm tried
Constantly I'm tried
I'm tried by my own ego
I'm tried by the world
I'm tried by others
Everything tries me
You know
Tries to get me to step outside
Of my goodness
You know
To try to get me to step outside
And be reaching out
In the dark arts
You know
And reaching into
You know
I'm supposed to just be at the fridge
To get a sip of milk
But next thing you know
I'm in the cheese drawer
And I got a knife
And I'm cutting little pieces of cheese
Into my mouth
Or I'm doing something
That I shouldn't be doing
And that's what I find
A lot of times
Is that
It's hard for me to stay in
Stay in my zone
Stay in my manhood
And just
Toe the line
It's tough
It's tough out there
It is tough out there
And to show up as a baby
And to toe the line
I think you know
That's pretty cool
And it's a powerful story
You know
And also to be born out there
In the desert man
I mean
That's crazy
I mean
I know good and well
Have you seen a baby
Out in Arizona dude
You go out there to
Out towards Bisbee Arizona
Out there towards
Outside of Glendale
Where it hits 130
You see a baby out there
Look like a damn lizard
I mean
They got babies out there
Weigh 4 or 5 pounds
And they're probably
About 9 months old
You know
You got a lot of babies
That look like smokers
They look like they've been
Smoking cigarettes
And they're
You know
Scaly
You know what I'm saying
You got
You got a little bit of
You know
They got that lizard in them
They got long tongues
I mean
It's
It's hard to be a baby
In a desert
Cause you need milk
They barely have anything
You can even get milk out of
In a desert
You know
And it's
It's that time of year though
It's that old holy night
And I like hearing that one
On Christmas Eve
And on Christmas time
And you know
And I picture myself
You know
Doing something romantic
You know
Honestly
And
And that's
I guess
What I'm
Thinking about right now
I'm thinking about
Holidays are this week
You know
I just got to get through this week
And how am I going to show up as a man
And do what I got to do
You know
Cause I need to
I need to be there
If I got a family
I need to be there
You know
I got to treat my spouse
Or my significant other
With some respect
One thing you can definitely do is
I notice
If you get your ladies a gift
Don't use the same
Wrapping paper that you use
For the children's stuff
Dude
Get your girl something nice
Get her some nice paper
Or something sentimental
You know
Wrap it in a
You know
Maybe her favorite shirt
Or your favorite shirt
Tape it up
You know
And just use different things
Than you use for the children's stuff
Show her that you did that
Little bit extra
Or if you dating a man
If you got a man
That's a lover
You know
If you're in love with someone
That's just like you
Which I think
That's the only thing
Sometime about
Homosexuality
It's a little bit
Egotistical
You know
Oh yeah
I think I'm such a great man
I'm going to love another man
That's the part sometimes to me
But you got to show up this year
As a man
And that's what I'm trying to do
I'm trying to get out there
You know
And let my small breasts out
These baby A cups
I got
You know
It's tough out there
It's tough
But you got to spend a little bit of time
With your lady
Maybe take a walk with her
Hold her hand
Tickle her
When was the last time you tickled your lady?
Or your husband?
Snuck up in the kitchen
And tickled that motherfucker boy
Get the giggles out that bitch
Make them bubble at the fucking mouth
You tickle them and love them
Just shh
You fucking shake them boy
I remember this thick boy one time
I think I've told this story
He started tickling me early in the morning
In a hot tub one time
On a cruise ship
And
I'm trying to keep him off
And his body was all hot
You know
He had them kind of kid tits on him
He was thick
Thick boy
Midwestern boy
You know
I'm talking South Iowa boy
You know what I'm saying?
Where the gristle don't miss ya
And
And he had that
He had that
Just that gunt up under his chin
You know
He had that neck belly
That Nelly
You know
And he
Or that threlly
Maybe that throat belly
He had that threlly
And I had to
I had to grab him by that threlly
And keep him off of me
But because he was
In the warm water
In the hot tub
He was getting hand prints
And stuff all
From me defending myself
Because this boy was tickling me
Which I think is shady
To be tickling somebody
You don't know
You tickle a loved one
Or you tickle
A kid
At a party
You know
Where you tickle an old man
If they're
You know
Sleeping on a plane
Or something
And you're trying to
Liven them up
But you don't just tickle
Fucking just
You know
You just don't tickle an adult
If you're a kid
Unless you're trying to
I think
Get that money
I think
In hindsight
This boy was trying to get me
To get Randy with him
So then it looks like
I'm trying to
You know
Be weird around children
You know
Next thing you know
He shows up
He gets out of the hot tub
He's got my hand prints
All over him
From defending myself
And next thing you know
I'm guilty
I'm guilty
Because it obviously
Looks like I've been touching him
Because his body
Holds a lot of hand prints
Because he got that
You know
That gristle
When you've got a little bit of meat on you
And a little bit of thickness
When it heats up
You can leave hand prints on it
And that's just a trial that I went through
And that was last year
But yeah
It's time to show up and be a man
So you just
You got to do something special with your lady
You got to tickle her
You know
Touch her neck
You know
Touch her ears man
You know
Touch it
But when's the last time you touched your lady's ears
Or your husband
If you got a little husband
You know
It's time
It's that time of year
To show up like a man
Maybe do a little bit of recommitment
To your
To your loved one
Or tell your kid
You love them again
Because I've never had a child dude
But I've been around some children
And sometimes it's hit or miss
You know
I was with a group the other day
And there was a man who
You know
Admitted that he hadn't really loved his
He had never really loved his
Son
Because his son didn't really
Wasn't
Really
The way that he wanted his son to be
And that shook me down
You know
I never even had a child
But
You know
It's just crazy
It's just a heavy thought
To think that that kind of stuff
Goes on out there
And there's nothing we can do about it
Sometimes just the way we
Are
You know
We just have to manage it
You know
If we got an infection
And we got an affliction
And we got a little bit of the dark arts
You know
We got that fancy nasty
Just nipping at our neck
If that fancy nasty monster
Is nipping at your neck
Sometimes you just have to
Just shake it off
And you got to stand there
And do whatever man have to do
And be a man
You know
That's where I'm at
But I wish everybody
A happy holiday season
You know
Be that baby
Show up and be that wild baby
I mean
You know what I'm saying
Jesus Christmas
Was a beautiful baby
I mean
That baby showed up
In the desert
Had a couple of old dudes
Walked out to the middle
Of the desert
To meet a baby
Now
100% illegal
To do that
100% illegal
In fact
It's a TV show
Hell
If you're an old man
Even going to meet
A 14 year old
For some lemonade
Or whatever
They bust you
So the fact
That three old men
Were cruising out
Into the desert
To meet a child
That is
That's a
That's a crime now
That's wild
That's wild to think
That what was
What is the story
Of one of the most
Popular religions
Is now a crime
And they got sheep there
And animals
You can't have children
Around livestock
I know there's some
You know
In some states
There's some legal issues
About that
If you're trying
To transport them
Across state lines
And stuff
So
Who knows
Who knows
But I think
If the Lord
Ever come back
It's going to be
Through an alien
Or
How else could he
Come back
Maybe portal
Wishing well
I don't know
He could fly out
Of Elon Musk's
Nutsack
I bet
Who knows
How he could come back
But it's nice to think
It