Name: 1-1-18: Like a Virgin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #63
Uploaded: 2018-01-01T14:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-1-18: Like a Virgin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #63' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-1-18: Like a Virgin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #63' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-01. Transcript available.

1-1-18: Like a Virgin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #63

January 1
What's up guys? Just like that. Cut that off. Drop that end note.
I'm dropping that end note, man, because I'm dropping that year.
I just dropped that year off.
Welcome to 2018, boy!
Man, I'm hyped. It's the future.
Do you even know that it is the future? Right now.
You know, there was a time when you were younger, when you were a child, and
you might have been a, you know, a chubby child, or you might have, you know.
I remember there was one summer I had real fat thighs on me, you know, because
I come from people that's real hardy in the ass.
You know, I got that ass, and I got the ass and rear of kind of a urban girl or
a Down syndrome boy or girl.
And, you know, I got that fat retention around my anus and hips.
And I remember there was a time when I was young when a lot of, when a lot of,
I had some short shorts that I had to wear.
And I remember just how short they were on me.
And just every time I would go somewhere, they would feel so naughty.
You know, I even remember as a child just feeling, because they would bunch up,
but it was just because my growth, my growth was headed down this wild little,
wild little, you know, little route.
My growth was going down this wild route where I was going to look a little,
you know, robust.
And, and I remember my shorts would just, they would always creep up on my
thighs and be all naughty.
And I remember, you know, at that time, sometimes men that were, local men that
were probably, you know, kind of had those, you know, kind of had the devil
just,
just beanstalking up and down their spine, you know, just climbing up and down
their spine.
Some men like that would look at me, I think sometimes with a little bit of
that, like I was like a young scallop or something.
And they were just a hardy sailor and they just wanted to bite in a daddy,
little daddy at the time, because I was a child.
But anyhow, what I'm saying is I remember being a child and thinking, man, you
know, I wonder what the future is going to be like.
I wonder what the future is going to be like.
And now here we are, here we are in the future.
Let me turn this audio up a little bit so I can catch you guys, man.
There we go right there.
Yeah.
Now we are in the future and I'm happy to be here with you guys.
It's 2018.
Happy New Year to you.
2017 is over.
If you had something flashing back there, you know, if you had a little bit of
grease lightning, electrocuting your insides, then that's over.
If you had something, I bet you had something good happen too.
Everybody looks at 2017.
I see all these things.
So glad it's over.
Dude, 2017.
That shit was wild.
You know, I've been alive for 37 of these things, of these spatial roundabouts.
You know, I've been alive for 37 of these outer space disco spins.
And I'll tell you this, that this one was the wildest.
People are feeling lit up.
People are feeling erect in their souls, I think.
Fired up.
You know, people want this or don't want that.
People are, you know, standing up for this and, you know, uncertain about that.
Last year made me think.
Last year made me think about who I was.
Made me think about who I was, man.
You had a lot of stuff last year.
You had the election going on.
It made you think, like, you know, what's your line in the sand for, you know,
what America is and what America isn't?
And what do you want the future in this country to look like and who represents
that?
You know, even if you don't think, I mean, and I'm not a fan of politicians.
I think the past, I'd probably say maybe 30 years in politics have been sold
out in America, where it's, you know, it's just big businesses.
These politicians are just puppets.
But, you know, it's like we had this past year where at least you had to kind
of pick a side in your heart a little bit.
Or you had to see, you know, when you can see through the cracks now of these
people.
You know, you can see how, you know, how grimy and gritty these people get to
get this office and how much of an egomaniac you have to be to live, I bet, in
that whole political world.
But it made you stand up last year and think.
You know, you had the Black Lives Matter that, you know, that was abundant last
year.
It made you think, man.
Some people were like, yeah, well, fuck it, you know, this.
And some other people were like, well, you know, what are you kneeling for?
You're at your job.
Do your job.
You know, I don't call, you know, I don't, you know, stop by Starbucks to ask
the barista how they feel about something.
I stopped by Starbucks to get coffee, you know.
So I stopped by the NFL to get football.
You know, it's an escape from, you know, the callings and the questions of
society.
But last year it was inflicted.
You know, everything was on top of the other thing.
There was no walls.
There was no separation.
Everything was flooding into everything else.
And I, you know what, I, it was tough.
I mean, there were some weeks there where I just couldn't friggin' stand just
the media, just how the media just has so much blood on their hands but takes
no accountability.
But there were times where I couldn't stand how the lack of empathy, you know.
There were times where I couldn't stand it.
But, but it also, it may, it just made me question.
It made me question, well, do I, do I have racism in me?
Do I have, do I, you know, you had the, the woman gate at the end of the year.
And I'm gonna call it woman gate.
But you had, you know, this, and all year you had this, you know, this fire,
this fire by a lot of feminists.
And look, feminism, I support a hardworking woman getting what she wants in the
world.
I support a woman not having to feel like they, like that they don't matter.
And not having to feel like they don't have any value.
I support anybody.
I want anybody to feel that way.
But then there's also a band of straight up man haters out there.
Who don't want anything good for men.
Who want to be evil.
You know, and who don't even want to acknowledge the beauties of women, some of
the natural beauties of women.
Being able to make children and be able to, you know, have the ability to
mother.
You know, it's just women that just want to make money.
And I don't, dude, if you asked me honestly, as a soul, not as a man, but if
you could make money or if you could be a mother.
Create something with your body.
Dude, I'd be a dang mother.
Alright, I'd be a mother with a mustache though, you know what I'm saying?
I'd still keep my manhood.
But it made me question, you know, that whole, you know, and it's still going
on.
I'm not saying it stopped, but there was a lot of like stoking of the fires
asking us last year who we were, who we are.
And it's, man, it made me think.
Do I look, do I look at women, do I treat women a certain way?
Have I always, you know, if I do, where does it come from?
Is it because of a relationship I have in my past, in my family?
When a woman talks, am I listening to her differently?
Am I looking at her differently?
It made me ask myself these things.
You know, it made me ask myself about race, you know, racism.
About where some of, do I have, do I have views?
You know, if I'm walking past, I mean, the town I grew up in, it was black and
white.
So my history with a lot of race and a lot of the racial issues in America are
black and white.
So I would think, do I, do I listen if I, if I'm talking to a black man or if I'm
talking to, if I'm meeting a new black friend, do I have certain views or
certain, do I feel different than if I'm meeting a white person?
I mean, it made me ask myself some questions and I like that.
Some people don't want to feel some of that discomfort of asking themselves
questions and that's fine.
That's fine if you don't want to.
But I don't think you have anything to lose by doing it.
And I think even though 2017 was wild and it was fiery, you know, and Trump won
office, you know.
But look, I'll say this, dude.
That was the most sad, or that was 2016 that he won or whatever, but he got
inaugurated.
That was one of the most savage things ever.
You know?
I mean, that was gangsta.
That that dude snuck in, missed a steal your office.
Because there was a, there was surely a moment when everyone was riding down
the street after Trump got elected, thinking to themselves, man.
Fuck, I could be president.
I could be president.
Like, you want to talk about giving everybody hope?
Man, again, I mean, look, the guy is certainly an egomaniac.
He's an empath, you know.
He probably never was loved in his life, it seems like.
If you look into the history about him and his father, you know, he probably
doesn't know about love.
He probably doesn't, you know, he's probably, he's probably just has a lot of,
you know, he's not very empathetic at all.
But, but he's a, you know, he's a dirty businessman.
That's what he is.
But also, that's what most of this fucking country is these days.
You know, and that's what most of politics is these days, is dirty businessmen.
So, am I surprised that he ended up there?
I'm not at all.
I am not at all.
You know, and I think he captured some of that, that, the, I don't want to say
the poor white vote, but just, dude, white people have been looked down upon so
much.
When you're poor and white, dude, the only thing you have a lot of times is,
you know, your belief in America and your, and religion.
And Hollywood beats those things up, you know.
So, I think Hollywood kind of even ruined a lot of that vote, you know, by just
saying, you know, you know, just being very anti, kind of the red, white, and
blue idea of America.
Even if that's an advertised, old-fashioned idea, I think Hollywood beat that
idea up, you know.
And Hollywood's always, you know, it's just, I mean, so many shows I feel like
beat down on religion a lot.
And when you're poor, man, trust me, look, dude, I've been right there.
You know, there were many years of my life where the only thing I felt like I
had somewhere inside of me was the, the hope that a higher power or a God out
there cared about me or loved me.
So, when you beat up on that kind of stuff, man, you're going to have people
rebel.
You're going to have people angry.
And, uh, and it's rocky, man.
It's rocky.
But 2017 made me personally think a lot.
Made me think about things.
And here we are, man.
We're in 2018.
And I'm not going to, you know, I'm not dwelling, but we got a lot of cool
stuff happening here on this past weekend.
I'm going to get into a couple of things that happened to me actually this past
weekend.
I got to perform for both of the Rose Bowl teams, Georgia Bulldogs and Oklahoma
Sooners.
That was straight crispy.
That was crispy Yamaguchi.
I'm going to talk about that.
I'm going to talk about, uh, my New Year's Eve plans.
I went back home and visited my family.
If you haven't checked that out on YouTube, you can meet my family.
It's called Meet My Family Christmas on YouTube, on my YouTube channel.
Make sure to subscribe, please.
I appreciate your support.
I'm going to announce a couple of stand-up comedy dates.
January 11th through the 14th, I'll be at the Brea Improv in Brea, California.
January 18th through the 20th, I'm at the New Comedy Club in Jacksonville,
Florida.
February 2nd through 3rd, I'll be at the Oxnard, California at Levity Live.
February 22nd through the 24th, I'll be in Indio, California at Fantasy Springs
Casino.
And April 6th and 7th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida at Rock Brothers Brewing.
Um, some of those links will be available on TheoVaughn.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.
Uh, and some of those will be going up here in the next week as we get those
shows, uh, put up.
But those are all real dates, and those are places that I'll be coming to.
And if you want to go somewhere, won't you go to Gray Block Pizza?
Gray Block Pizza, man, you know they, that charter sponsor of this past weekend.
They got them Calzones, them Salads.
They're the only place in America that have that Salad Pizza.
They got them Gourmet Pizzas and them Beverages.
Get your thirsty.
Get your hungry.
Get