Name: 1-8-18 Logan Paul. Gravy. Callers. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #65
Uploaded: 2018-01-08T14:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-8-18 Logan Paul. Gravy. Callers. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #65' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-8-18 Logan Paul. Gravy. Callers. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #65' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-08. Transcript available.

1-8-18 Logan Paul. Gravy. Callers. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #65

Celebrate living, celebrate misery
You know that soon we're gonna die
Let's have some fun while we all die
Even though I feel like they make this league kind of soft
And maybe eventually they'll have a new league
A new type of NFL or something that'll pop up
That'll be more violent
You know, we have Tigers out there
Somebody, you know, maybe they got
A chimpanzee at half, at midfield
And he's on both teams
Because a chimpanzee will eat your nuts
Right out of your ball sack
I mean, just like two, you know, just like two olives
That wild boy will just do it
He'll pop your bag open
And eat your nuts right in front of you
And chimpanzees will do that
They're very violent animals
I'm not a violent animal
I don't think so
Sometimes
Am I violent sometimes?
I don't think so
I'm too fucking tired to be violent
You know, the craziest
You know, one night there was some guy outside
Who was, you know, sitting out there
Just revving his car in the middle of the night
And I grabbed a couple of limes out of my fruit bowl
And just threw them off the balcony
And hit his van a couple of times
And that's really my level of violence right now
Throwing limes at somebody in a shady van
From about 50 or 60 feet away
Safely from a second floor balcony
At 4 a.m.
That's where I'm at with violence
It's January 8th
It's January 8th
Happy Monday
Hope everybody had a good weekend
That was Spencer Growl
The Spencer Growl band with Celebrate
Back to that original
The original theme music there
And it's good, man
We got a lot going on
The Golden Globes are on right now
I'm not watching them
You know, I'm just
I'm a little
For me, I'm a little
You know, I'm in Hollywood
Because I'm here
I'm out here fighting my fight
You know, and doing
You know, I want to have my
I want to put my stake in the ground
For my career
And my comedy
Whatever those stakes may be
You know, I want to continue to
You know, put those pegs
Into the soil
But, you know, I feel like
The films aren't as good
As they used to be for me
And sometimes I don't know
If that's because I'm disconnected
If I'm getting older
Or if movies are just bad
These days
But also, like Hollywood
Is so
Sometimes it is so judgmental
You know, there's so
It's just so much
Judgment a lot of times
And not as much empathy
Even though it's just
It's always preached
Preached that there's so much empathy
It's
You know, it's a business
And it's a dirty
Dark business
That's what's going on
Out here in Hollywood
What it is
And I think a lot of businesses are
But there's so much money
Out here
That, man
When you add in more money
And when you add in
That's when the dark arts
That's when the dark arts
Really start to bloom
And they start to just
Grow up your
Your skeleton-like spines
And they grow from your
Bank account
To your heart
And next thing you know
There's these vines
That are just wrapped around
You know, just making a
Bermuda triangle
Just
Just
Triangulating you
And money
And the dark arts
And that
And that can be
You know, that can be dangerous
When you got that much money
On the line
You know, danger usually lurks
Where there's a lot of money
Danger usually lurks
Where there's a lot of money
So
I mean, I want to be
Look, I want to be well
You know, I want to
I want to achieve
I want to succeed
I want to get mine
As they say
You know, and I want to make a lot
Yeah, I want to make money
You know, yeah
I want to be successful
I want to achieve my goals
But I often also wonder
How much money do I want to make
You know, even before I've even made it
I wonder that
You know, what level do I want to be at
I don't want to be where I'm
Where I don't have the ability to
Still believe
In what I believe in
Where the money on the other side
Of that teeter-totter
On the other side of that totter
Is so great
That it's
It's peeling me up off
The earth
The foundation
The soil of my values
And what's important to me
You know, and
And while I'm still figuring those things out
What's important to me
You know, it's
It can be a scary universe
When you're still learning
What's important to you
And when that money's getting heavy
On the other side of that totter
Because it'll lift you, man
It'll lift you
You know
A lot of this business out here
They, you know
People get picked for
For
Celebrity
Because they're the perfect advertising tool
You know
They
You know
Companies in these
You know
The Geppettos
The people behind the scenes
That are
That are moving these Pinocchios
And these
Pinocchiatas
They
They see
Oh, this
This person's the face
This person
This person is the face for this
Let's use them
And that's gotta be
You know
It's
It's gotta be
It's just wild
There's just a lot going on in there
So I wanna always be cognizant in my mind
Of how much do I
Need
You know
What point
Is
Is
Do I have too much
And I think a lot of that
Is you can keep
I mean
There's a lot of great people out there
Who seem like they make a ton of money
And also give away so much money
You know
You always hear about Bill Gates
That the man spends most of his day
These days
Giving away money
And I hope that
You know
If
If
The powers that be in the universe
See that I
Achieve
Great wealth
I hope that at the same time
They see
That I achieve
The desire
To wanna help others
And to want to
To share
Cause man
That'll fill your heart account up
I want those
I want that big balance
In my aortas
You know
I want my
I want
I want my heart to be bubbling
With the joy
Of
Of doing something
Not just for myself
Cause man
I'll get trapped in myself
You know
I'll get trapped in myself
A lot
And sometimes
It can be scary
It can be scary
Sorry I didn't mean to start out
On such a
You know
A heavy note there
But
I've just had
I've had some stuff
Going on in my life
Where
You know
Where I've
You know
I've been kind of
In and out of this
You know
This
You know
Dating
And this relationship
Where
You know
Sometimes I'm just afraid
To kind of commit to it
And I'm afraid of
I don't even know
What I'm afraid of
Sometimes
You know
I guess I'm just
I've never been
You know
I don't know
If I've ever really
Trusted somebody
Fully
In my whole life
And I guess
It's almost like
How do you even
It's like doing something
You've never done before
Like if somebody
Asks you to
You know
Drown yourself
In a bowl of
Of gravy
I'd be like
Nah
You know
I'm not going to do that
But if they're like
Oh man
This is good gravy
And when you get down
To the bottom
And you can't even breathe
Or nothing
It's just going to feel awesome
It's going to feel great
I would still be like
That's crazy
You know
Do this
Is there
Do this gravy
Have a lifeguard
You know
Where's the lifeguard
Tower
Around this gravy
You know
But then that's what
I think it is
Sometimes
Of jumping into that
You know
It's why I have trouble
Getting into relationships
And staying committed
And staying
Steadfast
I think just because
I've never done it
I've never
Done it
My whole life
And it's not even like
Oh well just try it
You know
You know
You've dated
And you've been
In relationships before
But I've never
Been committed
I've never
Known
I've never
Wanted to know
Or believe
100%
That this can be
Something amazing
I've never been able to
I don't think
And then
And I want
You know
I feel like I want to
But I don't even know
How to
And so that's why
I say
It's like getting
It's like
It's like
Somebody saying
Hey
Get down in this gravy
Because I can't breathe gravy
So my mind is telling me
You don't know
You can't breathe gravy
You know
You're not an amphibian
You know
You're not a gravy amphibian
You can't breathe gravy
But they're saying
That it's so good
When you have that
Connection
And that
You know
That
That reciprocated love
That you can have
With
You know
In a relationship
That is
That
That you can really have
In a trusting relationship
And for some reason
For me
It's just really hard
It's hard to just
Step out into that love
That sauce
That love gravy
And just let myself
Submerge
And go down in there
And be in there
And
It's just because
I've never done it
I've never done it
You know
And I might be
A wild correlation
But I'm just
I'm trying to iterate to you
How
Foreign
It feels to me
To be in a
In a committed relationship
Or committed environment
So anyway
Some of that's just been
On my mind and heart
You know
And we had a caller
That called in about it
And
And I'll play that call
Right now
And I want to thank you guys
For hitting the hotline
And that is
985-664-9503
If you have a thought
Or idea
Or response
To something that happens
During this podcast
If you need help
Or
If you need somebody
To share
Whatever's going on
With your life
Feel free to reach out
To the hotline
And leave us a voicemail
This was that call
That came in
Here we go
This is JP
Down in Alabama
I'm a 35 year old male
Who's been married
Two times
And that
I'm on my second marriage
And this second one
Is going pretty successful
So far
This is JP from Alabama
Thank you for calling
JP
Onward
I just wanted to address
Your fears
Being in a relationship
I think
Really man
Like I said
I'm a fan
I don't want to come off
As an asshole here
But I think
You're just kind of
Being a pussy about it
Man
As somebody
Who's been through
Some bullshit
With women
It's always worth it
In the end
Seems like it to me
If you get out of it
Alive
You know
I mean
What's the worst
Going to happen
You're going to get a divorce
Maybe you got a baby
You got to pay for
Or something
Not really that big a deal
Man
Life goes on
I mean
You ain't even taking no risk
Other than your comedy
I mean
You ain't out doing drugs
You ain't out doing alcohol
And what not
So
You might as well
Take a risk on love
Man
If you love this girl
If you like being around her
You need to
Show her that you want to be around
Hey
Yeah
And that was the call
That kind of
I guess had me thinking
About that
You know
And I appreciate that call JP
You know
I love the part
You got no real risk
You know
Except maybe what
A divorce
Maybe
A baby
But you know what
I mean
If the baby's a product of love
Then yeah
I guess that's not a huge risk
You know
And if you know
That you're okay
With taking care of a child
No matter what
That's not a huge risk
But yeah
I don't know
Sometimes what my
It's just
It's so
It's just
It's innate
It's like
Somebody telling you
That you can swim
That's what it's like
Here's the correlation
I think
It's like
Trying to tell somebody
That they can
That they can
They can swim
But they have no idea
How to swim
That they don't even believe
That they could even be out
In the water
I think that's what it's like
You know
So yeah
But that's a good point
You know
I'm not out here
Taking
What risks
Am I taking
I don't know
You know
It makes me feel
A little bit
Not shame to myself
But it makes me feel
A little bit like
You know
You said it first
Like a vagine
Like a vagina
You know
Like that warm wallet
You know
Like that wild canal
You know
Like Joseph Conrad
Wrote about
You know
That wild canal
Out there
That
Whatever it was
That dark river
Or whatever
He was writing about
Yeah
It makes
It's
It's just scary
I don't know
Why it's so scary
To me
But you're right
Maybe I gotta
Just get out there
And just
You know
I think some of it is
When I get in a real
Heavy in a relationship
Or if I really care
About someone
It just
You know
And I know a lot of guys
Have this
You know
This problem
Because my friends
Are talking to me
About it all the time
Those intimacy issues
You know
It's just like
I just struggle
With wanting to be
You know
Then
It's like
I get so much
Anxiety
Because it's
Such a foreign
Territory
That
You know
I just don't
Want to
Be intimate
You know
It's almost like
I don't want to
Make that last
Reach out of my soul
You know
And hit them
With that root
You know
I don't want to
Pop that sex root
You know
And make that
Big link up
You know
I'd rather
Dink and doink
Out here
In the
In the wilderness
You know
I'd rather
You know
Find a crazy
Bear
Back behind
A cactus
You know
And pop off
A nut
But when
It's just
When it gets
You know
When you're right
There