Name: 1-15-18 Azizcusations. Deceased Sensuality. Surprise Callers. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #67
Uploaded: 2018-01-15T18:56:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-15-18 Azizcusations. Deceased Sensuality. Surprise Callers. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #67' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-15-18 Azizcusations. Deceased Sensuality. Surprise Callers. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #67' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-15. Transcript available.

1-15-18 Azizcusations. Deceased Sensuality. Surprise Callers. | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #67

chicken cake
celebrate living
celebrate misery
you know that super gonna die
happy Monday
happy Monday
happy Monday guys
happy Monday out there
in the world wherever you are
if you're in a
if you're in your car right now
or your truck
if you're in a van and you secretly
you got them headphones on and you got a couple of kids in the back
that don't need to be
listening
to your wild
step cousin Theo right here
because he might you know
sometimes I
you know my brain throws an expletive
and it uses my face to
to toss it into the universe and
and so yeah but wherever you are
if you're sitting at home
snuggled up with a loved one
dude that sounds beautiful
there's nothing I wish more than that
there's two beautiful or not even
beautiful in their own minds
and it doesn't even matter who thinks they're beautiful
I just hope that there's two
thick gay men out there
just snuggled up somewhere
listening to this
listening to this bad chatter
out into the universe
because that's something about that
makes me
it doesn't make me feel homoerotic
but it just makes me feel like
you know what
them big dogs is out there
you know
staying natural
and having a good time
and you know
and we're not
you know
they're not
people
they're not not listening to a guy
because
you know
he's
maybe different than them
and
and I think about that
but wherever you are
if you're listening to this today
I appreciate you being here with me
happy
Monday
January 15
the year 2017
in
in time
as far as we know
and
the game
I have the game on right now
and I paused it
I have the
Saints
versus
the
Minnesota Vikings
and
I'm home alone
it got to the point
I was like
I gotta do this podcast
because I gotta drive to Brea
and do a show
I gotta leave in about an hour
and 15 minutes or something
so I'm like
I gotta
I can't watch anymore right now
and I was so amped up
I'm like
what's gonna happen
because the
the Vikings made a field goal
and then the Saints
made a field goal
and so then
the Saints were in the lead
but the Vikings were getting the ball back
25 seconds
not a lot of time
but I was like
I just gotta pause it
because I didn't want
if I knew if I watched
and the Saints lost
I would be really upset
or bummed out
so I didn't want to have that natural bum
that free bum
you know
bouncing all
you know
inside of my walls
so here I am
and it's paused
I can see in the background
it's just like a picture of the sidelines
on the TV screen
and it's paused
so
I'm gonna have to get into that later on
thank you guys for joining us
I want to thank everybody
that came out in Brea this weekend
and I want to apologize
for anybody that came to the Saturday Night Late Show
things just got out of hand
you know
like
not with me
really just in the audience
there was a lot of people being loud
you know
some people was upped up
you know
some people were snick
you know
snickered up on that dust
you know
and
and it just
I think it ruined some of the show
and the staff
and I love the staff that works there
you know
but they didn't do a good job
of holding it down
there was no real mediation of the room
and I just want to apologize
to anybody that came out
to that Saturday Late Show
and if I'm heading back there
in the future
and you want to come see a show
hit me up
and I'll see if I can help out
with some tickets
because I feel bad about that
because you guys didn't get the best show
because it was just these
you know
some people were chirping
and you know
I don't know what they were doing
taking each other's pulses
or just being just wild
so
you know
but
but anyhow
I appreciate if you did come out
and
and I had a nice weekend
and a lot of cool people came out
so I was
I was grateful to everybody
that came through
what's going on man
I got this coffee
I got
dude my buddy sent me this coffee
for Christmas
and this isn't an ad
my buddy sent me this coffee
for Christmas
it says on there
I just opened it
it says
it's called
Cups Coffee
and it says
Guatemalan
single use
or something
or one year old
and I'm like
damn
this shit sounds
I just want coffee
you know what I'm saying
I don't need to know
you know
I don't need it's birth certificate
I want fucking coffee
I want to
not have to go buy cocaine
so I want to just use
something natural
I want coffee
this shit got me making
make me feel like I'm involved
in sex
you know
sex trafficking
or something
this shit says
Guatemalan
you know
72 months
or something on it
I'm like
what the hell man
so
now I'm drinking coffee
and I'm a little bit nervous
and I just don't want to get caught up
in some kind of
you know
who knows
in the future
maybe they'll
they'll bust a man
you know
he used to drink coffee
that was only three years old
you know
no man should be drinking coffee
that hasn't been aged
where the beans haven't been aged
at least 18 years
and who knows
what's next
they're taking men out of the universe
they're trying to take us out
of the universe sometimes
and I know it's not an intention
I think a lot of this
you know
there's a
there's a strong female movement
out there
you know
it's like the whole world
it's like
it's like mother nature herself
is about to just
you know
drop an egg
you know
like she's just on that stration
and she's about to just drop an egg
you know
and I don't even know
where that egg would just
pop out of the earth
I guess
just come rolling out of a dam
maybe out of the San Andreas fault
you know
that egg might end up out there
in uh
you know
in South Riverside
or out towards Anaheim
who knows
you know
but I feel like
mother nature's just
she's on that
you know
she's on them tumbles
she's got them belly tumbles
and she wants picket
she wants pickles and chocolate
because she's having
you know
she's going through some things
and sometimes it has to happen
for things to even out
you know
but damn
they're taking
everybody's getting
everybody's getting called out
for being wild
and for being
too much
Aziz Ansari
just got
you know
there was a thing on the internet today
and you know
the thing is
when you first time
I read something now
the first thing I think is
is this true?
Who's citing these sources?
Are there any real sources?
You know
the website
or the thing
was called
babe.net
or something
was the company
that was saying this
I never heard of them
I never heard of them
in my life
so
but the allegations
that were out there
were just that
he was on a date
with a girl
he invited her over
you know
he was trying to be nasty
and be naughty with her
or he's trying to be
I mean it seemed like
he was being aggressive
from this girl's take
you know
and
I'm not discounting
what she said
I have no clue
you know
there hasn't been any like
there hasn't been
you know
there's no trial
or anything here
it doesn't seem like
so
that's the strange thing
like I don't know
is he being accused
of a crime?
if that's the case
do you take it to authorities
are you just making it aware
and using his name?
so I guess
some of the movement
the Me Too
if it's part of the Me Too
movement is a bit
or Time's Up
I think they changed it now
to Time's Up
is a little confusing
to me in that regard
because I don't know
what's
you know like
is it just awareness
you're using somebody's name
do they get to say
what they thought
happened that evening?
and I guess he will
if he wants to
if he wants to
you know
rebuttal it
but it's also
you know
people's perspectives
of
people's perspectives
of what's going on
when something's going on
can be different
you know
they can be different
you know
and we didn't all
come from the same
history
or the same
experiences
you know
like what if a man
has only had one girlfriend
and she's real rowdy
you know
when she likes the man
to fucking
you know
put jingle bells
in her ears
and you know
beat her on the back
with a fucking
you know
semi-hard billy club
or
you know
put
you know
put
egg yolks on her legs
and dip them
in damn
you know
Planko
Planko
toast
chips
and fuck
or something
like that
who knows
and then you show up
at a girl's
you know
then you show up
on a date
and you got a sack
of straight up
you know
toast crumbs
and a deep fryer
and a couple of jingle bells
a couple of JB's
and you're ready
to rock out
you know
it's like
it's just people's
perspectives
going into
you know
their history
has so much
to do with it
so
but it's wild
I mean
here this guy
wakes up
and
you know
maybe
maybe he does
this kind of stuff
all the time
and maybe he's
you know
a nasty cat
and maybe
this is something
that
you know
that needs
to come out
to help him
get better
and maybe
that's the way
it's being done
now
it's just
on a public
scale
I mean
I'm
like the future
of men
what do you
I mean
maybe in the future
it's you sign
an agreement
these are the
things I like
these are the
things I don't
I mean
we're becoming
so you know
you chime
into an app
I'm into these
six or seven
different ideas
and someone
has to agree
to them
and
ah
it's wild
it's just
it's a different
you know
there's just a lot
going on
there's a lot
going on
a lot of
factors going on
but I don't know
who won the game
yet
I do not know
who won the game
I do not know
who won the game
we got some good
calls that came in
man and I'm not
jumping to those
just yet
but we have
we have an interview
I gotta
I have to do a
call out to
a lovely young
lady here
in just a second
who's gonna be
on the hotline
because we brought
up
well first I got
a call in
oh I'm all over
the episode man
this
this
this Guatemalan
six year old
has got me
chirping out here
man
we had a call
over the weekend
that came in
about Hawaii
and this was
from Josh
in Hawaii
here we go
yo Theo
this is Josh
calling in
from the island
of Hawaii
and yeah
I'm just
calling you
after a little
post nuclear
apocalyptic
scare that we
had this morning
I woke up
to an amber
alert saying
there was
an inbound
ballistic missile
headed to
the island
of Hawaii
rise and shine
onward
and I basically
woke up into
a scarier
reality than
the nightmare
I was having
and there was
about 30 minutes
where yeah
that was a real
that was a real
reality man
I was just
constantly updating
my twitter
trying to figure out
what the fuck's
going on
nobody's saying
this is a
false alarm
and I'm
walking around
outside
just looking at
my neighbors
trying to figure
out if we're
about to be
bombed by
Kim Song
June
whatever
that dude's
name is
over there
anyways
Kim Jong Il
baby
and I'm gonna say
this you might
want to get
that man's name
under your tongue
you know
just because if
he shows up
that's probably
the first question
he's gonna ask
us when he
takes over
what's my
name
what's my
motherfucking
name
and if you do
most people
are not gonna
know it
Song Young
Lamb boy
you're out
they're gonna
chop you down
right there
Chip
choppity
chop
somebody's
gonna say
that dude
somebody's
gonna say
your name
is Chip
Chop
Lamb
Young
Lamb
somebody's
gonna
general
so
people are
gonna have
the worst
ideas
and they're
gonna take
you out
so I
think his
name's
Kim Jong
Il
the problem
is they
keep killing
these
Kim Jong
you know
little
Kim Jong
grows up
kills
big
Kim Jong
so he
can be
the
BKJ
and then
another
little
Kim Jong
grows up
and kills
another
BKJ
and it
just
keeps
going
Kim Jong
Il
On
And
On
Uno
Dos
Dres
That'd be
cool
dude
if it
was
Kim Jong
Ocho
that'd be
dope
and he
came out
with a
little bit
of a
Latino
flair
you know
kind
of
like
he
you know
like
he just
showed up
on
Monday Night
Raw
one night
and was
like
Kim Jong
Ocho
but I
can't
imagine
that
dude
I
you know
there was
a
imagine
now
that
moment
where you're
telling me
for 30
minutes
you thought
this was
a reality
that they're
ballistic
middle
first of
all
I'd have
to google
ballistic
so that
I'm gonna
start right
there
like
are these
fun
like
what
kind
of
missiles
are these
like
do I
not have
to be
within
20
feet
of
where
it
length
like
what
am I
up
against
but
can
you
imagine
that
for
30
minutes
you know
I mean
I wonder
how many
me too
occurrences
happen
just during
that 30
minutes
because if
I'm
somewhere
and they
say you
got 30
minutes
left
the
countdow