Name: 1-18-18 Me(n) Too | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #68
Uploaded: 2018-01-18T15:18:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-18-18 Me(n) Too | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #68' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-18-18 Me(n) Too | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #68' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-18. Transcript available.

1-18-18 Me(n) Too | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #68

This past weekend
Alright, let's crack open a can of this, you know, butt magic
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Man!
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You felt that, huh?
Man, that felt like a beautiful, just like a big black girl just jumped on my
back and just dove just down my throat into my soul
There at the end on that last, on that hitter riff
Let's catch another, catch another, catch another sniff of this
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Man, that thing was tight!
That note was tight, man, like they trying to put that note in your butt
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So much peace.
There were not as many electronics.
I'm talking about when I was a child.
And you would get home and there wasn't as many electronics buzzing.
And there weren't as many.
You know, everybody wasn't recording everything.
And there just wasn't.
There was more peace.
Man, I have a tough time these days getting peace.
That's what I'm really.
That's what I find.
Dude, I would suck.
You know, I'll suck a nap.
You know, I'll suck a comfortable nap.
Or I'll suck a quiet afternoon out of somebody's neck.
You feel me?
I will suck somebody's neck for, you know, a couple hours of peace and quiet.
That's what it's going to come to.
That's what it's going to come to.
You're going to be walking, you know, through the Tenderloin District or one of
these, you know, seedy areas in a certain city.
And somebody's going to be like, hey, hey, hey, come here, man.
You know, how about you?
You know, how about you?
Let me suck your dick for a little peace and quiet.
That's going to be the drug.
Because it used to be so much more peaceful.
And I think if you're, you know, I'm 37.
I'm an adult male.
And if you are probably, if you're 20, if you're 20, and this is going to sound,
I mean, I just sound probably like an old guy.
That's what I sound like.
Oh, the old guy telling us things used to be so quiet, but it used to be so
much more relaxing.
I mean, I picked up a book yesterday.
Have you tried to open a book?
And look, you're like, what the fuck?
This is the worst video ever.
Every time I look at a book, I'm like, ah, it is hard.
It's just, and it's just my ability to be patient with, with the, with my
ability to be patient has just, is, is, is decimated.
It's decimated.
I have a tough time.
I have a tough time.
But yeah, I picked up a book yesterday, like an old paperback.
Wasn't even shiny or fancy.
And I'm just like, dang, this is pretty sad.
And I like to read.
I like to absorb.
And here I am thinking that.
So I just wonder, what is this?
What is it?
What is the few?
What does it look like here in the next 10 years?
You know, when it, when you can't, when there's, you know, when it has to be
video or your brain,
it's like, it's too slow.
Because I also notice things that are too slow for me now.
Like if I call someone's phone number and it doesn't just go, it doesn't go
straight to voicemail,
but it has that thing where it's like, to leave a voice message, press one.
To return, to have the caller return your, something or other, press two.
To have, to, if there's, if it's not just, you know, uh, hey, it's John.
You're mutual cell phone.
Call me back.
Beep.
If it's not that, I get pissed.
Because I, I just am, I'm impatient.
I don't want to deal with that extra seven seconds of bullshit that I already
have heard a million times.
And then I don't even want to leave the message.
Then I don't even want to fucking talk to John anymore.
Because I don't like the bullshit that he's putting between us.
I don't like, you know, suddenly I'm angry at John.
Because he doesn't like, he doesn't have the machinery or the software that I
vibe with the most.
And I just get, and it's me.
Yeah, I know it's me.
You know, I could go live in the woods or live in a tent or take more hikes or
do other things that would, you know, get me out of that realm.
You know, and take those, you know, and get those, uh, you know, those, um,
what are those things that stick to a boat?
Scallops, get those scallops off my body, you know, because I let those scallops
start to build up by not being out in nature, by not swimming, you know, by not
stepping in a puddle or fucking, you know, getting a couple pats of mud and
putting them on your neck or putting them on your back.
And just being a part of nature and slowing it down.
You know, I remember the first time I went, I didn't really go camping.
I got locked out of the house.
And, you know, me and my brother slept under the eve of the house, you know, by
the porch.
And dude, there was so much bullshit down under there.
And, you know, we ended up actually finding a plumbing problem that my, that we
had.
My mother didn't know we had it.
And it, you know, almost really broke us as a family financially once we found
that.
But, you know, but it was interesting just being outside for a little while.
I remember as a kid and slowing it down.
You know, I even just remember that, just, I do remember a couple of moments of
how quiet it was.
You know, it was also quiet, I found, whenever I was, when I was young, it was
quiet.
You know, I talked about this on last week's episode, that it was quiet when my
family would get together when the power went out.
And that was one of the, that was one time in my home that there was a lot of
peace in the air when the power went out when I was a child.
Because, you know, because you got together.
You fucking got together.
Where are you?
Suddenly you needed each other.
You had a, there was a commonality.
You know, because my family didn't have a strong family.
There was no familial bond.
There was none of that shit.
You know, it was just felt like a, just like a rescue center.
And, and we used to fight and we used to fight at the table.
And the best thing you could do during dinner at my house was if you could make
fun of somebody hard enough till they cried.
And, and they had a mouth full of food.
And if you've never seen somebody cry with a mouth full of food, I mean, it is,
it's messed up.
Yes, I agree.
Secondarily to it being messed up, it is hilarious.
Because they can't swallow because their mouth, they can't swallow because they're
crying.
And they can't cry that good because their mouth is full of food.
And so they're, I mean, it was, and that was like, that was when at my house,
that's when you got somebody.
When you had them crying with that mouth, you had them, you know, jawed up on a
fucking couple grams of Salisbury steak.
And they was jawed up on that and running some, you know, half a mouth still
full of hot potots, bruh.
And then you hit them with a couple of jabs and they started crying.
You hit them in the feelings.
Because in my household, that was the only way that we showed attention to each
other.
It was the only time we even spoke to each other, I felt like, when we were
kids.
And it's unfortunate.
I'm not saying that that's a good way to grow up.
It wasn't fun.
But it was, you know, it was real.
And then the time when we enjoyed each other's company, when we were at peace,
when we found some solace, when we found some, you know, I remember if the
power would go out, I'd be, you know, doing whatever I was doing.
I was living in my own world, doing what I wanted to do for me.
But then the power went out and I was, I was scared.
You know, I didn't want to be alone.
I needed more than just myself then.
So we'd go and mom had two candles in there.
And so we'd go in there and we need, that's when, you know, there was a
necessity there.
It created, that created necessity.
You know, and I think it created with that darkness, even though, you know, we're
in our home, I think even as a mother, I think there's just something innate.
You know, something that goes back to what's important about motherhood and
that, you know, it grips you in the neck.
And you say when the power goes out, where are my children?
You know, where are, you know, these extensions of my body?
Where's the rest of me?
You know, I'm assuming that's probably what a mother feels sometimes.
And so, you know, we would, we'd find our mom and our mom wanted to find us.
And then we would all be together and those candles would be lit and you couldn't
go outside of the glow of those candles.
Because it was, you know, you don't know what was out there.
And you wanted to keep tabs on each other and your body, your nerves were alert.
So, like, you know, if you were touching, you know, not touching, not being,
you know, you know, sensual or being wild, but if you were just touching or
tickling each other as children, you were feeling, it was so heightened.
And your nerve, your, your ears, my nerves would go to my ears and I would have
to, I could hear, I mean, I could hear, I felt like I could hear the whole
world.
Because I would, I would just be so, so, I needed to, I needed to hear if
anything was coming and not spray.
And now I'm talking an animal or a, or a, you know, a Voldemort or a falcon or
a bad falcon or something dangerous was coming and I needed to be able to hear.
And suddenly my ear, my ears just developed these long, capable arms that
reached out into the distance and fucking brought in every sound that was
around.
And I just, and I loved that time.
I loved it because our family was together at those moments and we needed each
other and we wanted to be together and we wanted each other to all be safe.
And, and there was, and it was peaceful and it was so quiet.
And that's the quietest I remember it being was when the power went out.
Now, fast forward to now, the power doesn't even go out as much as it used to,
because now we have generators and backup generators and we got, you know, you
know, big Larry or whatever, who works down at the power plant, who's supposed
to make sure he presses this button if the rains come, you know, or whatever.
We have all these backups in order.
And it's just kind of, I don't know, you know, you just, I miss that peace.
Because for somebody like me who it's hard to find, it's hard for me to find
peace anyway, to not have it be as readily available as it was due to, you know,
technology and due to our attention span.
I mean, another thing is just my attention span.
Come on, a span, I would barely call it that.
I notice if I'm reading, I'll read one paragraph, by the second paragraph, my
mind goes off to something else, you know, what did that girl say?
Or, you know, man, I haven't seen her in a long time or start thinking about
sex.
I will think directly about some dang b-hole, you know, some troubled b-hole
that I've seen on the internet or some set of tits that I've seen on the
internet.
You know, immediately, I'm reading a fucking chapter of Mark Twain, dude.
And then it's just like, next thing you know, in my mind, I picture Mark Twain,
you know, fucking by a fence or something.
And the next thing you know, my brain is gone.
And I have to recalibrate.
Boom, let me get back into this story.
And it's just my attention span.
Man, it's all, everything's, it's just a different time.
It's a different, it's a different time.
But I like this instrumental that came in here.
This was Josh Porter.
And he sent this in.
And it was called Luchador's Longfellow.
That is what the song is called.
I'm going to let you catch one more little hit of that right here.
Here we go.
Hear them heavy tones right there, boy?
I sound like somebody's trying to put the moves on a fucking ice cube right
there.
Trying to.
Like somebody's trying to just tickle the nipples of an ice cube.
Woo.
So cold, man.
And so hot.
At the same time.
Happy Thursday to you guys.
I want to tell you guys too, man.
I'm going to tell you about them right now.
And that's Gray Block Pizza.
And they got them beautiful.
They got the, they got all kinds.
The Frenchie.
They got these beautiful pizza pies over there.
The Frenchie.
The farmer's delight.
The onion.
The Q.
The caps.
Got that portabella oyster.
The shiitake mushroom with the parmesan.
Pantina