Name: Theo Von Recaps Cormier vs Oezdemir UFC 220
Uploaded: 2018-01-24T17:03:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Recaps Cormier vs Oezdemir UFC 220' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Recaps Cormier vs Oezdemir UFC 220' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-24. Transcript available.

I watched that Cormier fight, that Cormier and Odesmere, I think it's Odesmere,
and I
don't know if you know about this Daniel Cormier, but he's a Louisiana guy, and
at first you
think he's a chef, oh Daniel Cormier, he makes those expensive TV dinners, no,
Daniel Cormier
is a cage fighter, prize fighter, and he was out there, and he's a national
champion,
he has one of the title belts, and he's out there, and I don't know if you've
seen his
body, I mean this guy, you can't tell from watching if he's 6'4 or 5'1, he has
like a
very unique body style, like, I mean like the thigh bones connected to the neck
bone, you
know, you're like, what, like he almost looks like a, he looks like a really
strong caramel
that somebody taught to fight, and he's out there, and he kind of fights with
both arms,
like he just has this, it's almost like he's dancing, it's a bit of a dance in
a way, and
look, I'm not, this man would beat my ass, this man would, this man would
finish me off
like a drumette, you know, this man would suck me down like a meat drumette,
but he was out
there, Daniel Cormier, and he's, and he kind of, he kind of, he'll like punch
with both of
his arms at the same time, so it's almost like this, this wave of aggression
that was coming
at Odes Amir, and Odes Amir is a, I mean, this guy, he could have been nine, he
could
have been, he could have been 11 feet tall, dude, I don't know what ratio I had
my screen
on, it might have been 16 by 9 or something, so I don't know, but Odes Amir
looked like
a damn, he looked like the, the youngest son of a polar bear, he looked like a
lean polar
bear, like somebody just beat, just like some, like a polar bear that's worked
out so hard
all his fur fell off, and he just got real lean, and he had the long legs,
white legs,
just like, damn, you know, like you don't even, and he got that name, Odes Amir,
let me see
what it, how it even, Ozdemer, Ozdemer, Ozdemer, so dude, and you're sitting
there trying to
figure out his name, you're trying to buy a vowel, and then, damn, he hits you,
his arms,
one of his arms looked like it was probably four and a half feet long, and he
just hit you
with one of those polar pops, just pat out, you know, he just hit you with that
polar pop,
and next thing you know, you ice cold, next thing you know, you waking up in
the frozen
food section, out there, and out east of the city, and you're ringing the bell
for help
over at the bakery section, because nobody's paying attention to any, anything
in the grocery
store, and it's late night hours, and you just got polar popped by Mr. Odes Amir,
and
you woke up out there in the frozen food section, but Cormier, you know, you
could see how, I
mean, that first round, and when you looked at him, the confidence that Cormier
moves with
is what got me, and look, I don't know a ton about fighting, I don't claim to
know, I used
to not even like to watch these fights, watching them made me feel a little bit
scared, like
that's how much of a puss I am sometimes when it comes to, you know, being out
in these
streets, is watching a real tough fight, I mean, I'd put on knee pads or
something, even
if I was just watching at the house, you know, I'd check my PPO if I was even
just watching
at the house, but you had Cormier out there, and they're, you know, like, and
at first,
the first like two minutes, three minutes, it was all punches, I mean, and I
loved it, it
was like watching two men that could do other stuff, choosing to punch,
choosing to box,
I mean, it looked like gladiator style stuff, you know, a couple of light, some,
you know,
a couple of like placement kicks, and trying to keep each other this way and
that way, you
know, look like a little bit of Polish dancing here and there, but a lot of
punches being thrown,
and I mean just man shit, where you standing up there and still punching, even
though you
getting punched, and then they went down to the ground, and I thought it was
going to be
over, because Odesmere, one of his legs just popped straight out, like a white
flag, I thought
he was trying to surrender with his foot, and I thought he was trying to wave
that foot out
there, and then the bell saved the gentleman, and so they came back out for
that second start,
that second round, and it was almost like the first round, it was like somebody
pressed fast
forward on the first round, and before you know it, Cormier had him down on the
ground,
and just a series of punches, you're like, man, it was just a, I mean, I almost
liken Cormier
to like, I don't know if you ever heard that story of John Henry, the steel
driving man,
but it was a long time ago, they have this, you know, they have this old story,
I'm gonna look
it up right now, it was when, it was a long time ago, it's a folk hero, and he
worked as a steel
driving man, his name was John Henry, and he was the best, if you put that man
in the cave
with the hammer, he was the best, and he would just beat up the rock, and he
would get all through
the rock, and do whatever he had to do, and then one day, they came along with
a machine,
and they said, well, this machine can do this job, we don't need you to work
anymore,
John Henry, and John Henry said, I can beat that machine, and I don't remember
if he beats
the machine or not, but I know he dies trying, and that's what reminded me of Cormier,
man,
he just started putting this kind of punch, this, and it was a slow, organized,
systematic punch,
it was like, it was like when you are knocking, say your girlfriend's cheating
on you, and you
know she's in there with a man, and you already took a few deep breaths in the
car, because you're
not really into her anymore, you're past her, but you're still gonna go in
there and deal with that
man, so you take a few deep breaths, maybe do some light meditation, maybe get
the Headspace app or
something, and use that for a minute before you head up to the door, and you're
gonna knock on that
door, and you knock on that door, just, because that knock is gonna resonate
different with your old
lady and that man back there plugging at each other's parts, you know, hiding
cock inside of
your wife or whatever, if he's doing, you know, back there freaking cock hiding,
because a bang,
bang, bang, that's erratic, they're gonna jump up, you know, somebody might try
to get out a window,
blah, you know, somebody might try to hide under a pile of dirty clothes, you
know, I did that one time,
try to hide under a pile of dirty clothes, dude, oh, first of all, I think some
of the clothes was like
a baby's dirty blanket or something, you ever had a man beat your ass in a pile
of dirty clothes?
Then you haven't really, really lived, probably, and that happened, that
actually happened over near
Tallahassee in Florida, that was a long time ago, but I've had my ass beat in a
pile of dirty clothes,
man, and you, and that will humble you, that will humble you right there, boy,
when a fucking,
when a big boy puts you on a fucking, you know, introduces you to that two-arm
spin cycle,
and suddenly, you know, he's, he's, he's beating the dirt off y'all, he's
beating the dirt off y'all,
man, he's doing that laundry on you, but that's how this was, it was almost
like he,
like going up to the door of your ex, when you know she's in there, your girl,
you know,
she's in there with a man, and just that slow knock, because you know that you're
going to be in,
you are in control of this situation, you know, you're going to get in there,
you're going to whoop some ass, you're not going to do it erratically though,
because you don't need the relationship anymore, you're past it, but you're
still going to get in
there and beat some ass, and that's how Cormier just rocked in with this hand,
it was just this slow, planned thing, he just knew his execution was, it was so
efficient,
and it was, it was uniquely efficient, because he's, he's an awkwardly built
man,
and I don't say that to judge him, I mean, dude, I'm fucking built,
dude, I built like, a little bit like a beat down syndrome, if you catch me,
you know I, you know, in the realms beyond, when the Lord was forming me,
I mean, it, I was like a Plinko chip, and almost went in that, could have
fallen into
that DS hole at the bottom, but instead I got, barely regular, but, but Cormier's
just a unique
guy, you know, I mean, his thumb joints connected to his, you know, to his calf,
I mean, he's just
this, I mean, he's just this nasty, he's this nasty caramel out there, that's
going to fucking,
that's going to stick you to the mat, that's going to, it's going to gum up
your teeth,
and stick you to the mat, and I, and I liked watching them after, I liked
watching their
press conferences after, too, because you could tell Cormier, he said, you know,
by 40 years old,
I'll be done fighting, he's 38 years old now, and look, I, I, when I watched
these men fight,
I watched them do something that I could never do, I do not have the spinal
column or the balls
to do that, I could fight somebody for charity, you know what I'm saying,
I could probably beat up a real, a ginger, I could probably beat up a real lean
ginger
for charity, and I'm not talking about ginger or woman's name, I'm talking
about a redheaded
fella, you know, or a strong woman, I'll fight a strong woman if they, we got
the contracts
and everything, and everybody's clean on, you know, all the gender stuff, but
man, Cormier
after, he said, you know, I'm 38 now, and by 40, I won't be doing this, so you
could, he
said, you know, when you, when he prepared so much exactly, and to see his
preparation
go exactly as planned, and you believe that with him, you just believed it, you
believed
he knew his plan, he came in, and he just did exactly what his plan was, and it
was going
to work, or it wasn't going to work, but you saw a man who was, who had been in
his craft
and been in his realm for a long time, you know, and that he knew he wasn't
going to
waste time, he needed this opportunity, he wanted to win, he wanted to defend
his title,
and he wanted to get the most out of his career while he still could, so he
worked hard and
planned ahead and made the most of his opportunity, that's what I gathered from
listening to it.
Now, I'm also no expert, I'm no expert at all, and if you want to be like, Theo,
you are
a, you're a fuck Muppet, you don't know, you would probably, you'd probably be
right.
But I'll say this about Daniel Cormier, that man is built like a damn shiffer
robe with
a bad attitude.
That man is built like a, like a shiffer robe and a fucking grizzly bear had a,
had a baby.
And he will, and he will just, I mean, I thought he could smother somebody.
I wouldn't be, he'll put, he could put two kids to sleep just by putting one
under each
arm.
These children don't want to rest, fuck, fuck giving them a hit of Dimetap, or
that Tussin,
just pop that fucking, put them on, up under daddy's chest meat and they'd be
out.
I mean, dude, I bet he could damn, he could panini, he could press a sandwich,
dude, he could
make a panini right there up against his rib cage with his own wing.
And he seemed like that kind of man.
But also it was cool to listen to this Odesmere kid.
And I say kid, he's, you know, probably 11 feet tall.
And he's, he looks at a ladder and he's like, yeah, whatever guy, I'm not
taking it easy
today.
This man could be his, he could do his own work.
And he said, he was so young.
He said he'd been fighting for a year or so.
And suddenly he was at the title and he thought that he would be back at the
title.
And he also seemed, he, one thing that was really interesting to me that was
cool about
him that made him seem very human was that he said, well, I'm in Boston and
tomorrow I'm
going to try to get out and go see the city.
And I thought that that was, you know, I wish I could have that kind of
attitude sometimes.
You know, when something rough has happened to me or something that didn't go,
I mean, this
guy just had a chance to win a belt, a gold belt.
I mean, you don't get a chance to win a gold belt unless you were in, you know,
unless you,
you know, fist fighting a bitch up there on Beverly Hills Boulevard at one of
these fancy
belt shops, or unless you're in the WWE or the UFC, or unless you're in ancient
Egypt.
Those are the only, those only, you don't get to fist fight nobody for a gold
belt.
And, and he said, you know, and he lost, he didn't win, but he was like, well,
I'm here
in Boston.
I'm going to go see the city tomorrow.
I'm going to put on some sunglasses and I'm going to go see some of the city.
And I thought that, that, that was pretty cool that he was going to take
something away.
Because look, man, one thing that I'm slowly learning is that if I'm going to
lose, I'm
going to learn, I'm going to learn something.
I'm taking something out of this, out of this swamp.
I'm taking something out of this swamp, you know, you might get me in here and
it might
be nasty and dirty.
I might almost drown.
I might take an L, but I'm leaving out of here with a beautiful piece of birch.
I'm going to learn something.

Theo Von Recaps Cormier vs Oezdemir UFC 220

I watched that Cormier fight, that Cormier and Odesmere, I think it's Odesmere,
and I
don't know if you know about this Daniel Cormier, but he's a Louisiana guy, and
at first you
think he's a chef, oh Daniel Cormier, he makes those expensive TV dinners, no,
Daniel Cormier
is a cage fighter, prize fighter, and he was out there, and he's a national
champion,
he has one of the title belts, and he's out there, and I don't know if you've
seen his
body, I mean this guy, you can't tell from watching if he's 6'4 or 5'1, he has
like a
very unique body style, like, I mean like the thigh bones connected to the neck
bone, you
know, you're like, what, like he almost looks like a, he looks like a really
strong caramel
that somebody taught to fight, and he's out there, and he kind of fights with
both arms,
like he just has this, it's almost like he's dancing, it's a bit of a dance in
a way, and
look, I'm not, this man would beat my ass, this man would, this man would
finish me off
like a drumette, you know, this man would suck me down like a meat drumette,
but he was out
there, Daniel Cormier, and he's, and he kind of, he kind of, he'll like punch
with both of
his arms at the same time, so it's almost like this, this wave of aggression
that was coming
at Odes Amir, and Odes Amir is a, I mean, this guy, he could have been nine, he
could
have been, he could have been 11 feet tall, dude, I don't know what ratio I had
my screen
on, it might have been 16 by 9 or something, so I don't know, but Odes Amir
looked like
a damn, he looked like the, the youngest son of a polar bear, he looked like a
lean polar
bear, like somebody just beat, just like some, like a polar bear that's worked
out so hard
all his fur fell off, and he just got real lean, and he had the long legs,
white legs,
just like, damn, you know, like you don't even, and he got that name, Odes Amir,
let me see
what it, how it even, Ozdemer, Ozdemer, Ozdemer, so dude, and you're sitting
there trying to
figure out his name, you're trying to buy a vowel, and then, damn, he hits you,
his arms,
one of his arms looked like it was probably four and a half feet long, and he
just hit you
with one of those polar pops, just pat out, you know, he just hit you with that
polar pop,
and next thing you know, you ice cold, next thing you know, you waking up in
the frozen
food section, out there, and out east of the city, and you're ringing the bell
for help
over at the bakery section, because nobody's paying attention to any, anything
in the grocery
store, and it's late night hours, and you just got polar popped by Mr. Odes Amir,
and
you woke up out there in the frozen food section, but Cormier, you know, you
could see how, I
mean, that first round, and when you looked at him, the confidence that Cormier
moves with
is what got me, and look, I don't know a ton about fighting, I don't claim to
know, I used
to not even like to watch these fights, watching them made me feel a little bit
scared, like
that's how much of a puss I am sometimes when it comes to, you know, being out
in these
streets, is watching a real tough fight, I mean, I'd put on knee pads or
something, even
if I was just watching at the house, you know, I'd check my PPO if I was even
just watching
at the house, but you had Cormier out there, and they're, you know, like, and
at first,
the first like two minutes, three minutes, it was all punches, I mean, and I
loved it, it
was like watching two men that could do other stuff, choosing to punch,
choosing to box,
I mean, it looked like gladiator style stuff, you know, a couple of light, some,
you know,
a couple of like placement kicks, and trying to keep each other this way and
that way, you
know, look like a little bit of Polish dancing here and there, but a lot of
punches being thrown,
and I mean just man shit, where you standing up there and still punching, even
though you
getting punched, and then they went down to the ground, and I thought it was
going to be
over, because Odesmere, one of his legs just popped straight out, like a white
flag, I thought
he was trying to surrender with his foot, and I thought he was trying to wave
that foot out
there, and then the bell saved the gentleman, and so they came back out for
that second start,
that second round, and it was almost like the first round, it was like somebody
pressed fast
forward on the first round, and before you know it, Cormier had him down on the
ground,
and just a series of punches, you're like, man, it was just a, I mean, I almost
liken Cormier
to like, I don't know if you ever heard that story of John Henry, the steel
driving man,
but it was a long time ago, they have this, you know, they have this old story,
I'm gonna look
it up right now, it was when, it was a long time ago, it's a folk hero, and he
worked as a steel
driving man, his name was John Henry, and he was the best, if you put that man
in the cave
with the hammer, he was the best, and he would just beat up the rock, and he
would get all through
the rock, and do whatever he had to do, and then one day, they came along with
a machine,
and they said, well, this machine can do this job, we don't need you to work
anymore,
John Henry, and John Henry said, I can beat that machine, and I don't remember
if he beats
the machine or not, but I know he dies trying, and that's what reminded me of Cormier,
man,
he just started putting this kind of punch, this, and it was a slow, organized,
systematic punch,
it was like, it was like when you are knocking, say your girlfriend's cheating
on you, and you
know she's in there with a man, and you already took a few deep breaths in the
car, because you're
not really into her anymore, you're past her, but you're still gonna go in
there and deal with that
man, so you take a few deep breaths, maybe do some light meditation, maybe get
the Headspace app or
something, and use that for a minute before you head up to the door, and you're
gonna knock on that
door, and you knock on that door, just, because that knock is gonna resonate
different with your old
lady and that man back there plugging at each other's parts, you know, hiding
cock inside of
your wife or whatever, if he's doing, you know, back there freaking cock hiding,
because a bang,
bang, bang, that's erratic, they're gonna jump up, you know, somebody might try
to get out a window,
blah, you know, somebody might try to hide under a pile of dirty clothes, you
know, I did that one time,
try to hide under a pile of dirty clothes, dude, oh, first of all, I think some
of the clothes was like
a baby's dirty blanket or something, you ever had a man beat your ass in a pile
of dirty clothes?
Then you haven't really, really lived, probably, and that happened, that
actually happened over near
Tallahassee in Florida, that was a long time ago, but I've had my ass beat in a
pile of dirty clothes,
man, and you, and that will humble you, that will humble you right there, boy,
when a fucking,
when a big boy puts you on a fucking, you know, introduces you to that two-arm
spin cycle,
and suddenly, you know, he's, he's, he's beating the dirt off y'all, he's
beating the dirt off y'all,
man, he's doing that laundry on you, but that's how this was, it was almost
like he,
like going up to the door of your ex, when you know she's in there, your girl,
you know,
she's in there with a man, and just that slow knock, because you know that you're
going to be in,
you are in control of this situation, you know, you're going to get in there,
you're going to whoop some ass, you're not going to do it erratically though,
because you don't need the relationship anymore, you're past it, but you're
still going to get in
there and beat some ass, and that's how Cormier just rocked in with this hand,
it was just this slow, planned thing, he just knew his execution was, it was so
efficient,
and it was, it was uniquely efficient, because he's, he's an awkwardly built
man,
and I don't say that to judge him, I mean, dude, I'm fucking built,
dude, I built like, a little bit like a beat down syndrome, if you catch me,
you know I, you know, in the realms beyond, when the Lord was forming me,
I mean, it, I was like a Plinko chip, and almost went in that, could have
fallen into
that DS hole at the bottom, but instead I got, barely regular, but, but Cormier's
just a unique
guy, you know, I mean, his thumb joints connected to his, you know, to his calf,
I mean, he's just
this, I mean, he's just this nasty, he's this nasty caramel out there, that's
going to fucking,
that's going to stick you to the mat, that's going to, it's going to gum up
your teeth,
and stick you to the mat, and I, and I liked watching them after, I liked
watching their
press conferences after, too, because you could tell Cormier, he said, you know,
by 40 years old,
I'll be done fighting, he's 38 years old now, and look, I, I, when I watched
these men fight,
I watched them do something that I could never do, I do not have the spinal
column or the balls
to do that, I could fight somebody for charity, you know what I'm saying,
I could probably beat up a real, a ginger, I could probably beat up a real lean
ginger
for charity, and I'm not talking about ginger or woman's name, I'm talking
about a redheaded
fella, you know, or a strong woman, I'll fight a strong woman if they, we got
the contracts
and everything, and everybody's clean on, you know, all the gender stuff, but
man, Cormier
after, he said, you know, I'm 38 now, and by 40, I won't be doing this, so you
could, he
said, you know, when you, when he prepared so much exactly, and to see his
preparation
go exactly as planned, and you believe that with him, you just believed it, you
believed
he knew his plan, he came in, and he just did exactly what his plan was, and it
was going
to work, or it wasn't going to work, but you saw a man who was, who had been in
his craft
and been in his realm for a long time, you know, and that he knew he wasn't
going to
waste time, he needed this opportunity, he wanted to win, he wanted to defend
his title,
and he wanted to get the most out of his career while he still could, so he
worked hard and
planned ahead and made the most of his opportunity, that's what I gathered from
listening to it.
Now, I'm also no expert, I'm no expert at all, and if you want to be like, Theo,
you are
a, you're a fuck Muppet, you don't know, you would probably, you'd probably be
right.
But I'll say this about Daniel Cormier, that man is built like a damn shiffer
robe with
a bad attitude.
That man is built like a, like a shiffer robe and a fucking grizzly bear had a,
had a baby.
And he will, and he will just, I mean, I thought he could smother somebody.
I wouldn't be, he'll put, he could put two kids to sleep just by putting one
under each
arm.
These children don't want to rest, fuck, fuck giving them a hit of Dimetap, or
that Tussin,
just pop that fucking, put them on, up under daddy's chest meat and they'd be
out.
I mean, dude, I bet he could damn, he could panini, he could press a sandwich,
dude, he could
make a panini right there up against his rib cage with his own wing.
And he seemed like that kind of man.
But also it was cool to listen to this Odesmere kid.
And I say kid, he's, you know, probably 11 feet tall.
And he's, he looks at a ladder and he's like, yeah, whatever guy, I'm not
taking it easy
today.
This man could be his, he could do his own work.
And he said, he was so young.
He said he'd been fighting for a year or so.
And suddenly he was at the title and he thought that he would be back at the
title.
And he also seemed, he, one thing that was really interesting to me that was
cool about
him that made him seem very human was that he said, well, I'm in Boston and
tomorrow I'm
going to try to get out and go see the city.
And I thought that that was, you know, I wish I could have that kind of
attitude sometimes.
You know, when something rough has happened to me or something that didn't go,
I mean, this
guy just had a chance to win a belt, a gold belt