Name: 1-29-18 Great Uncle Issues | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #70
Uploaded: 2018-01-29T17:15:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-29-18 Great Uncle Issues | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #70' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-29-18 Great Uncle Issues | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #70' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-29. Transcript available.

1-29-18 Great Uncle Issues | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #70

All right, uh, we're still alive.
I've heard on a show, knowing nobody will come.
There you go.
You hear that?
That is Every Night by Jameson.
Jameson Flood is the man's name, and he sent that in.
And I appreciate that music submission there.
It's beautiful music there.
You know, that sounds like somebody's getting, you know, somebody, uh,
getting, you know, molested by a stream or something, maybe in Montana.
You know, that sounds like somebody's trying to, uh,
somebody's hitting on your mother at a bar while you're, you know,
nine years old and you're just, you know, waiting over by the, uh,
by the cigarette machine, you know, beating on it like it's a video game
and trying to find something to do.
A lot of mustaches.
A lot of mustaches back behind that music.
And that's Jameson Flood.
That's what that is.
And I appreciate, uh, appreciate that sound right there.
Thank you guys for joining us on this past weekend.
It is Monday, January 29 in the year, 2001 eight.
And we are in the realm of the universe as far as we know.
And they say, I was hearing somewhere the other day that we might be figments
of our own imagination.
We might be somebody else's plan.
We might be somebody else's video game.
And I'm like, damn, bro.
You know, if that's the case, man, get that, uh, get that mushroom and let
daddy sprout.
You know, if that's the case, then get that flashy flower.
Because I'm ready to throw some fireballs, you know, I'm, I'm ready to wing a
couple of flaming pop pops at fucking locals.
You know, that's what I'm ready to do.
I mean, sometimes we just, man, I wish you had, I had fireballs.
Wouldn't that be awesome?
Somebody's talking or something and they won't shut it down.
And you've been listening and you've been a patient listener probably for maybe
already probably a minute and 10 seconds.
And that's about my listen spam where they need to give a break for somebody
else to kind of pop in that 70 second mark.
And if they just keep running past over two minutes, oh, I just, just wing a
damn, just, just a little, just a flaming little fuck nugget right at them.
Take one of their earlobes off.
Show them who's boss.
Show them who's boss in this talk and listen and fight in this talk and listen
association.
Oh, sorry, man.
I'm just a little frustrated.
You know, and sometimes you are, sometimes you are just a little frustrated and
that's okay.
What's going on?
Welcome.
Thank you guys for joining me.
Thank you guys for being here.
Thank you for being alive.
You know, I had a pretty wild weekend.
I'll get into that first.
I got a new bed.
You know, I got a new bed.
You know, the old bed, not that good of luck.
You know, I had this bed probably for maybe three years.
Not a lot of sex in it.
Not a lot of good sex.
That's for sure.
Definitely a lot of awkward kind of laying there.
You know, talking about why, you know, the sex wasn't good or why, you know,
you know, had that PTI, the PTE, that part-time erection.
You know, because my erection, boy, that thing will file for unemployment like
a mother hog.
You know, my erection like to get that disability check.
So, you know, this bed hadn't really seen it.
And also, this bed, it kind of looked like a, I don't want to say a lady's bed,
bro, because that is gutter.
You know, for a man to be in a lady's bed, that's not, and he don't have a lady,
and he's just laying in a woman's bed at night, that is just something that is
wild.
You know, that's something that is not for, that's for outdoors.
That's for another realm.
That's not what's supposed to be happening in my life.
And I got this bed, but it was like one of those, it was like a wrought iron
kind of, you know, had that kind of cagey sort of, kind of a British.
It looked kind of British, you know.
Kind of like two really skinny people that were in Britain, like a man and a
woman, or two men, you know, that are married.
This isn't a kind of a bed where, like, two men that just are getting together
to do sex, meet up.
This isn't a bed like that.
This is two men that have been married and have a couple of, you know, armoires
and maybe, you know, a lot of fancy books in another room, a rug.
You know, it's something more like that.
Or where two real thin women would meet up and be with each other, you know,
and be around each other like that.
So, yeah, anyway, I got rid of that and I got me more of a wooden bed.
And this thing is a damn Noah's Ark.
It could weigh 700 pounds.
I don't even know.
I mean, it just, I don't know.
I mean, it took the Egyptians to get it into the house.
That's how heavy this thing was.
So, I got a new bed.
You know, and it was a pretty good, I think of this company called Blake Avenue.
You know, and I don't work with them or, yeah, BlakeAvenue.com.
They got cool wooden beds.
Because I started seeing this.
Every bed I would look for, it's all the same bed.
Or the same five or six beds.
They're all sold by the same three or four companies.
Woodstock or Wayfair or fucking, you know, sleep fucker or whatever.
You know, and I wanted something that was a little more unique.
You know, a genuine bed.
You know, because I've slept in some unique spots before.
You know, I slept under a man's bed when I first moved out here to Los Angeles.
And that was a non-sensual relationship.
That was friendship only.
And for $150 a month, I slept under his bed.
And I had whooping cough, too, during that time.
And I had to hold my cough in one time while he was making love to a woman.
Or he may have actually just been masturbating.
But also doing impressions of a woman at the same time.
So, I don't know what was going on.
But one of those things was going on.
And I had a whooping cough.
If you don't know whooping cough, sometimes you feel like you have to cough.
Sometimes a cough feels like it has to you.
And that's whooping cough.
Whooping cough is like that brother that shows up.
Or that rednecky dude that shows up and don't ask you any questions.
And just punches you in the fucking face.
And that's whooping cough.
And that thing beat me down.
Beat me up.
Beat me up and down.
And that's what happened to me.
But I got a new bed.
What else?
I get up Saturday morning.
I was going to do some volunteering at the Special Olympics, you know.
I met this girl, you know.
I met a plus size model a while back, you know.
And, you know, a plus size model.
That's a girl that likes to eat and, you know, eat and, you know, and look
fancy.
And I like that.
Because I like to do those things sometimes.
I like to eat and be a little bit fancy.
And so she told me that you got to do this.
She said she had a family member, I think that was in the Special Olympics.
I was like, you know what, I want to go and check it out.
And she said that she volunteered all the time.
So I checked it out.
So I went down there Saturday morning.
I get there, 8 a.m.
Turns out the thing was on Friday.
So I'm down there asking people just, dude.
And I hadn't been down there before.
This is at a high school down near Long Beach.
You know, about a 40-minute drive.
So I get there, I'm asking people, you know, have you seen the Special Olympics?
And people looking at me like I'm, you know, should be a coach in it, you know,
or should be a damn, you know, should be running the fourth leg of the relay.
Because I'm running around this school and this track and everything looking
for Special Olympians and asking people.
And it turns out, finally, I go back and look at the documentation they'd sent
me.
And the thing was on Friday.
The thing was on Friday.
And how about this?
Who does a Special Olympics on Friday?
Huh?
Special Olympics is a weekend event.
You don't put a Special Olympics on a Friday?
So these young warriors and battlers and, you know, javeliners, you know, who
are, you know, have some afflictions,
some of God's favorites, and they got to be out there in traffic on a Friday
and mucking around and people can't go watch them.
So now I'm sitting down in Long Beach at 8.30.
I'm so, I'm furious.
You know, I'm furious because, you know, I wanted to go.
I was excited.
I had a late night the night before at work.
I got up early.
I got in the car.
I got down there.
I mean, I was bummed that I'd missed it because I wanted to be there.
I wanted to do it.
You know, I was working registration.
It was going to be fun.
It was going to be something I'd never been to before because I'd never even
been to a regular Olympics.
You know, I met Peekaboo Street one time in Utah, and honestly, bro, she seemed
down to, you know, Peekaboo Street seemed like she didn't, she wouldn't have
mind if I'd done a couple of U-turns in the cul-de-sac.
You know, but, um, and I remember one time I got to, they had this skeleton
course out there at the Olympic, I was in Utah.
I didn't go to the Olympics, but I got to go to the training facility, and they
had the skeleton, and that's where you lay face first on this little bitty, it's
almost like a, just a window.
Like somebody took a window out of a building and set it on the ground on an
ice track, and you just go as fast as you can, and your, your face is just
three inches from the ice.
Man, that shit, that shit was hardy.
That shit was scary.
But, uh, but anyhow, so now I'm furious.
I'm furious.
I guess I'm angry that my time is, you know, I feel like I've wasted my time,
even though it's just, it's not even, you know, the time wasn't even about me.
It was about being there for, you know, the program and what was going on, and,
uh, and next thing you know, I'm just, I had to go park by the water.
I had to go park by the water in my car and just take some deep breaths.
Because I was, then I was angry, because I was also angry, why you do Special
Olympics on a Friday?
Because you don't know what Friday is like in Los Angeles.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, Friday in Los Angeles, and that's Jameson Flood right there, who sent in
his music.
And, uh, he just emailed me back and said it is not copywritten.
And so we can use that.
So thank that.
Thank you there.
We'll put a link to his SoundCloud in the, uh, in the, in the YouTube.
And that was, uh, this song earlier, which sounds like, um, you know, like
somebody's, you know, taking off your stepmother's shirt and is basically just
spinning a disco ball around between her tits and blowing, uh, cigarette smoke,
uh, around her neck and maybe, uh, up around her thighs and stuff.
And that's what that is right there.
So, all right, I'm sorry.
My audio was low.
I didn't even realize that, guys.
And now I'm coming in.
Now I'm flexing a little bit.
I had the wrong audio.
Yeah.
Man, I just feel like, you ever had those times?
Nothing's going your way.
Nothing's going your way.
I wish somebody would pull up with a damn van full of your way and just fucking
dump that shit all over my body.
Because sometimes I want things to go my way.
So, yeah, that's where I was.
I was out there.
So now I'm parked by the water because I'm pissed.
I'm pissed for one that I'm up, that I'm down there, that it's not going on,
that I missed it.
I'm pissed that I didn't read the documentation properly.
And then I'm also angry that they do Special Olympics on a Friday.
And, and I'm not even in them.
You know, here I am angry about something that has nothing to even do with me.
So that was, that was pretty much kind of the highlight of my, of my weekend.
You know, I hit a couple of men's meetings, a couple of, you know, of the sobriety
kind and did a little bit of that.
What else?
I, um, I try to watch a little bit of that bee movie.
It's about bees with Jerry Seinfeld.
And I actually met a beekeeper one time off of Casual Encounters.
And this is back when Casual Encounters was pretty popular.
And that was a place where people that didn't know each other could meet up
with each other, um, blindly for sex or just for friendship or even to fucking
see some beehives.
And I was out in, where was I?
I don't know, somewhere, maybe, oh, Missouri.
And this gal, uh, and I got invited to, I met this gal of Casual Encou