Name: Theo Von's Uncle Melt
Uploaded: 2018-01-31T16:47:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's Uncle Melt' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's Uncle Melt' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-31. Transcript available.

When I was young, they had, you know, I'm pretty gullible.
And when I was young, they had a time where I didn't talk to my mother for
probably about a year and a half.
And we had, they had a man called my school and ended up sending me an email.
And this is when they had email.
And a man sent me an email and it was my, it turned out to be my great uncle.
You know, and I don't even know how many great, you know, like, I mean, my
father was 70 years old when I was born.
A lot of you guys know that.
And so my dad was born in 1910.
So the great uncle, you know, I'm keyed up.
I mean, I'm intrigued to see what's going on, you know.
And who knows how, I mean, he wasn't like a hundred and something years old,
but he was an older man.
So I met up with him.
He was nice.
And then my girlfriend, I had a girlfriend at the time.
So we'd go over there and spend some time with him, hang out, you know, have
some snacks or something, or maybe listen to some music, some adult music.
And then he one time started getting us a little bit cooked up on buying us
some marijuana and liquor, apple cider liquor, you know.
And we, you know, we'd have a good little time hanging out.
And then one time we got real high and he melt, what they called him, Uncle
Melt, like, you know, something that was frozen one time and now it's not like
that, melt.
And he would, he tried to hook up with my girlfriend.
And at first I thought, oh, man, I'm just high, dude.
I'm so fucking high that I think that this, that my uncle or great uncle is
trying to bang my chick.
And I don't even know if we were banging.
So, I mean, that's pretty ballsy of him, you know.
I mean, it's nice of him to assume that I'm making, that I'm getting sex.
But it's also kind of fucked up of him, if I'm not, to think I'm going to let
him bang my girlfriend first before I get to bang her.
You know, I'm young, I'm working towards those sexual goals, you know, as a
child.
And so anyway, I thought I was like, damn, I'm so fucking high, dude.
I think this old dude's trying to fuck my girlfriend.
And I'm like, this shit is, this is some killer weed.
You know, because I've been around, I mean, I was high on some weed one time
where I couldn't bend my legs one time.
And it wouldn't have been bad, but I was standing up when I started smoking.
If I'd have been sitting down, no issue, you know.
But when I'm standing up already and then I can't bend my legs, that's, you
know, it was just hell, dude.
I'd have a friend of mine pick me up and lay me down.
And I've been high, you know, where you can't, you don't know what's going on,
right.
But I hadn't been high where I'm like, holy shit, dude, this old dude's trying
to bang my lady.
And that's some killer shit.
But turns out, anyway, anyway, fast forward, my mom and I kind of reconciled.
And I didn't go back over there much after that.
And then my mom and I were talking one time and, you know, I'm just telling her,
we're talking about family and stuff.
And I'm telling her about Uncle Melton.
She said, she's like, who?
And I'm like, Uncle Melt, you know, Melton, I guess.
I assumed it was, you know, short for Melton.
If that's even, if that's even a name now, I don't even know.
It doesn't sound like a name now that I'm saying it, Melton.
Have I met anybody in Melton?
I don't, I don't know.
But she's like, you don't have, you don't, she's like, what Uncle Melt?
And I'm describing her.
She's like, you don't even have an Uncle Melt.
You don't have an Uncle Melton.
And I'm like, holy shit, dude.
And that was it, man.
So some dude, I don't even know, found me somehow through the school system,
hung out with me and my girlfriend, got us fucked up, tried to bang my
girlfriend.
Like a senior citizen, dude, that I don't even know.
So, you want to talk about the Special Olympics?
We've all been out there in some damn Special Olympics.
You know, we've all had some hurdles and some, you know, some things, some shot
put, something we've had to get off our chest.