Name: 2-5-18 Aliens with Integrity | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #72
Uploaded: 2018-02-05T12:54:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-5-18 Aliens with Integrity | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #72' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-5-18 Aliens with Integrity | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #72' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-05. Transcript available.

2-5-18 Aliens with Integrity | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #72

It's that old familiar thing.
It's that screen door on that front porch.
You know where you are, brother.
You know where you are, sister.
You're home.
Celebrate our days.
Oh, man.
Thank you guys for being here with me today.
Happy Monday morning to you.
And it is Monday.
And it is February 5 in the year 2018.
And we are here in outer space.
Can you believe that?
We're in outer space right now.
And everybody's always talking about, you know, meet me at the mall or, you
know, GPS.
Dude.
We are in outer space.
We are astronauts.
You realize that?
We are astronauts right now.
So if you meet somebody and they seem like they might be a little bit foreign.
They might be an alien.
And I'm not talking about an illegal alien or illegal.
I'm not talking about anything like that.
I'm talking about if you meet somebody and they got this crazy look in their
eyes.
And they seem like something wild is going on.
Like they're picking their nose but from the inside of their body without even
using their fingers.
If they seem geeked up like the universe is just, you know, just tickling a
feather against the back of their brain stem.
Then maybe they're an alien.
I mean, it's not that far-fetched to think that there could be aliens amongst
us.
Why?
Because we live in outer space, guys.
That's why.
And if you were an alien and you came here, would you tell everybody?
Would you tell everybody you're an alien?
Probably not.
You know?
You probably wouldn't.
That's the first you know right there.
I caught it.
You probably wouldn't tell anybody you're an alien.
Or at least in the past you wouldn't.
I think these days, now, now you might tell people, oh yeah, I am an alien.
Because now it's like the me generation.
You know, now you'd be at a party and you'd have, you know, a couple gin and
tonics.
And next thing you know, you're over in the corner showing one of your
neighbors your freaking tentacle dick or whatever.
You know, or showing your, you know, how your nipples can light up.
You know, you'd be so, there's, now, I think if we're going to know if there
are aliens amongst us, we will know it soon.
Because I don't think that people can keep secrets as well as they used to.
And maybe that's just me being, you know, a little bit outlandish, but I
believe that.
I don't think we can keep secrets as well as we used to.
There's not a lot of sacredity anymore.
You know, things aren't as sacred.
And I know secret doesn't then go to sacred.
I know that's not how it goes.
You know, I know that those two words aren't connected.
But in a way, they are.
You know, there's not a lot of secrets anymore.
Everything's out there.
You know, all the information, it's all out there.
You know, and they say knowledge is power, and I think it is.
But I also think some of it's just, pshh, you can go on with them facts, Jack.
Why don't you put your facts back in a bag and go on back down this mountain?
Because we don't want all that around here.
And I'm not saying that I don't want to be informed.
But I just want to say at a certain point for me, where information starts to
beat down on my imagination.
You know, where I can't even, you know, where imagining isn't even as fun.
Adios, amigos.
Or adios, migos, if you're listening to them rap boys.
Because that's where I'm at.
Super Bowl is on.
I ran into, if I met Gerard Butler, got to talk to him the other night at the
comedy store.
So, you know, sometimes things are planned.
Sometimes God have plans, or a higher power have plans for you.
And that's what happened.
Because I know in the past, I'd planned on meeting Gerard Butler.
And then I didn't get to meet him.
And here he was, bam.
Him and his buddy.
His boy, Freddie.
And they popped out.
And said, what's up to you, boy?
And we chatted for a while.
And it was a good conversation.
We're going to talk about the Super Bowl.
Here's what I'm doing.
And I just watched the first quarter.
And then I decided I'm going to start podcasting.
And for me, man, out the gate, this bowl wasn't as, I wasn't feeling as into
this Super Bowl.
I don't know if anybody else felt that way.
It didn't feel, it didn't feel like the Super Bowl to me.
You know, I'm sitting there and I'm like, man, this is a Super Bowl?
This is, it just didn't feel super.
It felt like a regular bowl.
And that's kind of the vibe that I got.
It felt like a regular bowl to me.
I was like, oh, is this this?
It felt like a regular game.
And I don't know, first I wondered, well, maybe we're so used to things
happening so fast now
that the two-week delay between the championship, NFC and AFC championship,
and the actual Super Bowl, that that's gotten to the point where it's too long.
That was one of my first thoughts, like, you know, because there comes a time,
like, there's a lot, there's a point where everything jumps the shark.
You know, like those Beats by Dre headphones.
Remember those?
Three years ago with the big, the wide headphones.
They're similar to the one, they're similar, they're similar to the ones that I
have on
on the YouTube.
They're similar to the ones that I have on the YouTube, if you can see the
YouTube.
You know, these Beats by Dre.
But they were the big headphones, right?
They were the coolest thing.
And then about three or four months ago, I looked at somebody with them on,
and I was like, those are done.
Those are over.
You start seeing things like that, like, those are, that's not a thing anymore.
Those are over.
And that's just part of how culture is.
It evolves, you know.
And suddenly, something's over.
And I just felt like that.
Like, maybe that's the thing.
Like, maybe this two weeks is just too long.
You got too many other things that can happen.
And our attention spans have gotten so short that two weeks is just not.
Now, also, I could have still been butthurt because my Saints, my New Orleans
Saints,
gave up one of the greatest plays in American history and probably in world
history to the
Minnesota Vikings.
And that's what happened.
But I stopped it at the first quarter, and I decided to come and podcast.
So, I got to change the batteries in my headphones right now.
But we got a good cast, man.
We had, you know, we had that gentleman called in last week, Mickey.
On Thursday's episode, we had Sweet Mickey called in, and he's terminally ill.
You know, he got, he had two bad lungs in his body.
And the Lord or the devil or somebody gave him some bad lungs.
And that's not up to us.
We didn't do it.
But he's got them, you know.
He's got them.
And so, we had a lot of callers call in and have suggestions for him.
And so, we're going to get into some of that in a little bit.
Not yet.
Not yet, man.
I want to tell you guys about meeting Sweet Gerard.
So, I met Sweet Gerard Butler.
And, man, I'll say this, you know.
I'm a heterosexual adult.
You know, and I would say, if you chop me open and divide it up,
and divide it up into a hundred pieces,
I would say probably 97 of those pieces would be heterosexual.
And 3% of those pieces might be getting wild, you know.
Being naughty.
You know what I'm saying?
Peeking around the roller rink.
Seeing who might have a little bit of bulge in their forefront, in their
trousers.
But that doesn't mean I would try anything wild.
That just means I might have that double vision.
That doesn't mean I want to do anything sexual.
It just might see, it might be that I see a man's tricep, you know, in a
distance.
And say, dang.
Oh, he armed up.
You know?
You know what I'm saying?
He armed up.
And so, that's just all it is, you know.
He could get out of a pool easy without using the ladder.
You know what I'm saying?
Because that boy tried up.
He got them T-seps.
Them Triceraceps.
And he out the pool like that without even using the ladder.
Just like a damn seal.
You know, just like a damn, just like an otter that's trying to get risque and
get out of the pool.
And take his chances sipping on air.
You know, and I don't even know if otters just, if they sip on water or not, or
breathe water.
Some animals breathe water.
Breathe water.
But anyhow, but I'm just saying, so that's where I'm at inside of myself, you
know.
Now, who knows?
You know, when I get older, 70, 80, I might be out there.
You know what I'm saying?
I might be out there gumming down on some straight up street wiener or whatever.
Or local.
It doesn't matter.
What I'm saying is it doesn't matter.
Okay?
But I'm saying I saw Gerard Butler and the man have beautiful eyes.
Okay?
He has, first of all, he could have one eye and be, and you wouldn't even
notice.
That's how handsome the dude is.
He could have, because every time you see a one-eyed dude, you're like, damn.
You know?
You try to pretend like they don't have one eye, but they have one eye.
And it's hard.
You're like, do I look?
Like, because it's not the normal.
Usually when you look into somebody's eyes, your eyes kind of zoom in with
theirs and y'all are eyed up.
Eye to eye, they call it.
It's an old saying.
But now, when you catch somebody and they got that patch and they patched up,
your eyes don't know what to do.
And then your eyes start getting all crazy.
And you're like, do I look at there?
Do I look there?
Do I look there?
Do I look there?
It's kind of like no whammies.
No whammies.
And it's, uh...
But Gerard Butler, I'm just saying this.
The man have two beautiful eyes.
Beautiful eyes, dude.
And you're thinking, yeah, whatever.
I've seen blue eyes.
Dude, his eyes.
I'm telling you this, man.
I'm telling you this.
From a straight man, for the most part, until I'm 70 or 80, when I might get
out there and meet a man.
But you don't...
But I don't know that.
And you don't know that.
And it's okay if I do or if you do.
If you get out there and meet a man when you're older.
After you've already had a wife and had a family.
You know what I'm saying?
You've done your due diligence.
You've done your job as a father and as a husband.
And if you get out and about, you know, and you're out there skeeting out with
some, you know, fella at the senior center or whatever.
That's whatever you want.
But what I'm saying is this, that Gerard Butler, he could have an eye patch on
you wouldn't even notice.
That's how handsome the dude is, right?
He probably is...
The dude is 100% handsome.
100% handsome.
And he was cool as could be, man.
He came out.
His buddy came out.
We started chatting.
We swapped information.
He said he was a fan.
He'd seen me about six weeks ago or whatever.
Right before I was on the Fighter and the Kid podcast, I went in.
And that's when I saw Gerard Butler at the comedy store.
And they're like, Gerard Butler's in the back of the room.
And I was a little bit nervous, but then I just, you know what I'm saying?
I let out.
Because on stage, I'm trying not to be about my nerves anymore.
It's time to shine, you know?
It's time to shine.
But then he came out, man.
We chatted on the front porch for a while.
It was cool.
And then it was Pauly Shore's birthday last week.
It was the same night.
And Pauly Shore, man, he turned 50.
You know, beautiful man, Pauly Shore.
And they had a lot of deviant, just they had a lot of wild human animals out at
this party.
And they had a lot of porn stars and, you know, people with them fancy crotches
and, you know, vulvas that can juggle and all of that.
They had all them girls out there with them juggling vulvas and all of that.
And everybody was out there.
And that was at the comedy store and they had a band.
And some girls on stage singing horrible karaoke.
This girl was so bad.
And people were like, oh, my God, what's this girl doing up there?
And then I heard some other girl say, oh, it's probably just some gal that blew
Pauly for some stage time.
And that made me laugh because the truth is it probably was.
And it was a great time, man.
And it was nice to see.
I mean, Pauly Shore grew up in the comedy store.
Can you imagine?
Dude, if I'm there for three or four hours, man, you could get anything you
want at the comedy store.
You could get joy.
You could get pain.
You co