Name: Chauffeur’s Girlfriend Threw Boiling Fettuccine on Him
Uploaded: 2025-10-23T15:47:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chauffeur’s Girlfriend Threw Boiling Fettuccine on Him' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chauffeur’s Girlfriend Threw Boiling Fettuccine on Him' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-23. Transcript available.

So you've had some love issues over the years, bro.
Oh, yeah, man.
I love the women, y'all.
I paid for two divorces.
Let's see.
I'm 60.
I'll be 61 on the 24th of this month.
You look great, brother.
Thank you.
My on and off again girlfriend, she's only 25.
She's in Columbia.
Yeah, and I was telling Theo how January 7th of this year,
how she hit me with a pot of fettuccine noodles that I was boiling,
and I ended up in—
Let's say it again, fettuccine noodles.
Fettuccine noodles, y'all, that I was boiling.
And I ended up in the doctor's hospital in Augusta, Georgia,
which is America's largest burn center.
And I had to have some surgery because my left ear was melted in the back.
I was burned back here.
I mean, they had me wrapped up like a mummy.
It was bad.
Melted in the back.
And then after telling Theo the story about how, you know,
I had got beat up that particular night,
and, like, my gold chain was twisted into my neck.
Take us through it, Stan.
Take us through it.
Take us out of the—you know what I'm saying?
I mean—
No judgment.
She was drunk that particular night.
She came by my apartment.
And, you know, once again, you know, drunk people, you know,
it's hard to rationalize this, that, and the other.
Oh, yeah, they'd be wild then.
Yeah, she was upset about a few things.
I'm in the kitchen.
I'm trying to make some—I'm frying some chicken parmesan,
making the fettuccine noodles, and making the vegetables,
and, you know, like this push and shove,
and I'm trying to get her out the kitchen.
And then when she grabbed a hold of my chain and started, you know, choking me—
So she grabbed your chain.
And basically, I had to get her attention by feeding into what was going on.
And then when I was moving out of the kitchen, she began looking at the stuff
on the stove,
and I was hoping that she did not grab the chicken parmesan with the vegetable
oil in it.
And instead, she grabbed the pot with my fettuccine, and I said to her, don't
do it.
If you do it, you're going to go to jail.
And then she picked it up.
And as I turned to run, I felt it hit me.
And when it hit me, I ran out of my door, and I was screaming,
ah, you really burnt me.
And then my dog, Snowy, Snowy started trying to attack her then.
I went back into my apartment, but I had already called the police.
I left my door open, and that's when the cops showed up.
And when the cops showed up, like, did you get—
was there water in the pot, too, or just in hot noodles?
Water was on the floor.
But were they boiling?
Was the noodles boiling?
That's what I'm asking.
They were boiling when she threw them on me.
Yeah, man.
So you were rather, in hindsight, got hit by that entree,
by that chicken parm, or you think the fettuccine noodles?
Given a choice, the fettuccine was better because the chicken parm
was in vegetable oil, and that would have really torn me up.
And how did that feel when that first hit you, man?
When that chini hit you, bro?
It stung.
It stung something fierce.
I screamed, ah, this shit stings.
And I ran out my door, and I said to her, you burnt me.
There you are right now, and that's it.
I went back inside, and she was telling me at that time,
she realized what she did then.
Did you have a shirt on?
Did you put your hands in the air?
Did you get down on the ground?
Did you put some milk on it?
Like, what did you do, you know?
I did not do anything to it.
I did not touch it.
And when the police and the EMTs came, they were literally picking noodles and
stuff off me.
Um, it stung like crazy.
I didn't do anything.
I didn't even touch it.
I mean, later on, I went to bed.
The next day...
You went to bed?
Eventually, I went to sleep, um, just like that.
Did you put the gauze on?
No.
I didn't do anything because I didn't think it was bad.
Honestly.
Then the next day, I went to see a friend of mine to borrow some money.
Yeah.
But I noticed that it was dripping over there.
It was really wet.
And when my friend looked at my head, he said to me,
what happened to you?
And I didn't say anything.
And he said to me, who did that to you?
And then the tears just started rolling.
Oh.
So he knew.
His or yours?
No.
Whose tears?
My tears started rolling.
Ah.
And then...
Damn, look at this shit.
Here, you look like a model in one of those, like, fashion shows or something.
And what my friend said to me was, um...
This is like some BCBRG Max's area, bro.
Uh, they sent me my...
Actually, it's my friend Scott that owns Signature Transportation.
He's like my boss, friend, big brother.
Scott told me to go to the emergency room.
So I went to the emergency room.
And when I walked into the emergency room, they didn't take my name or anything.
They just walked me into the back.
You hit the express lane?
Wait, dig this now.
They took me into a room.
Three doctors came in there.
They didn't touch me.
They walked around me and they looked.
And one doctor said to me, sir, there's nothing we can do for you here.
You have to go to Augusta.
And I said, what's in Augusta?
He said, America's largest burn center.
And I said to him, yeah, well, okay, I'll go.
Let's do it.
They calling you up to the big leagues, baby.
Now, bear in mind, I'm in a little shock.
So they gave me the referral and they told me the referral was for 7 o'clock
tomorrow morning.
And they wrapped you up like this or no?
No.
They just sent me home.
Because this shit looked like they got you in a damn to-go box right here.
I went home and took a shower not knowing that I shouldn't have did that.
You can't feel it, bro?
I'm in shock.
Oh, my bad, man.
And then I smoked me some herb and I went to sleep.
I got up the next morning, got in my car, and I drove to Augusta.
And was it still dripping a little?
Still dripping.
And what's dripping?
Is it dripping us into your shirt or what's popping?
It's getting on my clothes.
Does it smell like fettuccine at all?
No.
Or like a little bit of garlic or parmesan?
It was just weird because it felt like sweat on one part of my body.
Yeah.
Fuck, you a damn side item out there.
I didn't know that the back of my ear was literally melting.
I mean, I was literally messed up.
I went to Augusta.
Damn, bro.
Look at this shit, bro.
You look like a damn blackstronaut, bro.
They got you fucking looking like you're going to space right there, bro.
But the crazy thing is, man,
like I tell anybody.
I understand.
They got you.
She didn't mean to hurt me.
She was intoxicated.
Oh, no.
I'm not saying that.
No, no.
I'm saying as bad as it looks.
Right.
Yeah.
That's just, yeah.
As bad as it looks,
I can honestly say,
because I still deal with her to this day.
Yeah.
People ask me why all the time.
I go, why?
Life is life.
Shit happens.
Love is love, too, man.
And that's the thing.
I'm 60.
She's 25.
And I'm going to say this publicly, y'all.
I love the shit out of this young lady.
I don't know why,
but I do.
We go through it all the time.
Look at Belichick.
He on that shit, bro.
I mean, and this happened,
and the police wanted to arrest her.
They were trying to convince me
to let them press felony charges on them.
The felony for the fettuccine?
And I'm telling them no.
I'm telling them no.
First of all, she has two boys.
Who's going to raise her sons?
Got to be two more young black men in the system.
We not having that.
Right.
And my thing was,
she was intoxicated and emotional.
It's not like she did it.
Had she not been intoxicated,
it would have never happened.
She's beautiful, like most people.
Right.
But yeah, it's not like she's-
Alcohol changes your personality in everyone.
Oh, yeah.
It's not like she's hiding in the woods sober
with a fucking pan of-
Nah, man.
You know, Orzo or Angel Harry Potter
or something.
She'd pop out and hit you with that bitch.
This was something that was drunken
and then it happened.
Boom, yeah.
Nah, it's crazy.
I mean, that's my baby.
That's your girl, yeah.
That's my baby.
Well, look, we love who we love, bro.
That's right.
That's the thing.
That's right.
We love who we love.
That's right.
And that's sometimes how-
That's one of really the interesting things
about love, I think, Stan.
It's crazy.
It's weird.
It's crazy, bro.
You can't even explain it.
And everyone I know
tells me, Stan, stay away from her.
She's not right for you.
Everybody she knows
tells her, oh, F him.
Stay away from that dude.
He's too old for you.
Oh, that's an old man.
This, that, and the other.
But like I tell her,
okay, I'm a little older.
But ask your friends.
Do they have a good man?
Huh?
Do they have any man?
Ask your family.
Do they have a better man?
I mean, I don't cheat.
I don't drink.
I'm in bed by 10 unless I'm working.
I mean, I go out the house
to walk the dog,
buy my herb,
get my Mountain Dews
and my Dutchmasters.
I mean, I don't go nowhere.
Look, that's a South Carolina
fitness routine, man.
I mean, she still has
a decent guy here.
I don't care how people
feel about me.
Type shit, man.
But my thing is,
when it comes to her,
I'm there for her.
Right.
You know?
I mean, that's the interesting
thing about love, man.
Some days love is a sitcom.
Some days it's a scary movie.
Some days it's just the same movie
over and over and over again
that you really are at peace watching.
But to be honest,
I can't take much more
of that particular madness.
The drinking.
No, the madness that goes
with the whole relationship.
I mean, the whole madness.
I mean, I'm 60 years old.
I'll be 61 in another
two, three weeks.
I paid for two divorces.
I'm looking for my last queen.
Yeah.
I'm looking for,
I want real.
I want a woman.
I want my woman.
I want somebody to make me happy
for this last, what?
I'm 61, y'all.
How much more time do I have?
I think you got a lot of time, bro.
Well.
Because you seem like that guy,
they ain't going to get real.
Look at the,
bring up another shot of him
in that helmet, bro.
They had you packaged up
in this bitch, bro.
Yeah, man.
God damn, bro.
You look like an undercover cop
at a cotton ball factory,
homie.
They asked me
who drove me to Augusta.
I said to them,
I drove myself.
They were like,
you did what?
He said to me,
who, who, who's with you?
One of the doctors asked me,
well, how could you take the pain?
And I said to her, what pain?
My C4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 is fused.
And my L5, S1 is fused.
Right.
I could do pain.
Yeah.
I mean, other than it's stinging,
I was literally in shock.
Yeah, you a damn Lego person
at that point, man.
That's nothing.
We've gotten past that.
We have a decent friendship.
I mean, like anything else,
it goes up and down.
But right about now,
it's beginning to get old.
Yeah, you got to see what else is.
Look, it needs to evolve.
If it's going to,
it would be nice for it to evolve
into a better place.
Boom.
I mean.
And that's okay to say that, man.
Either be real with me
or be gone so that somebody else
can go on and get this dude here
that's a good dude.
Gang, gang, gang.
And that's my mantra to her.
Either you take advantage
and let's be real
and let's start with the BS
or let's go out separate ways
so that you can do you
and I can find that woman
that's actually out there
looking for me.
Because trust me,
she's out there looking for me.
Amen.
Yeah, I believe that too, man.
I was just thinking the other day,
like, you know,
one of the things that I just like,
it's nice to think about
that person that's out there
for you kind of like,
you know, that's one thing
like I realize instead of
sometimes I'll be a little bit like,
can I meet somebody?
Because everybody can meet
and not everybody can meet someone.
It's like, where is she though?
It is exciting though too
thinking that there's somebody
out there, right?
You know,
and where that person is
and what their life is like.
That's like an exciting thing.
I want that ultimate queen, man.
Oh, bro,
I want to see you on the throne
with your dime, bro.
You deserve it, man.
At least while I still got
a little lead in the pencil.
Hey, bro.
No.
That's it, man.
No.
Thank you.