Name: ALL CALL: Juxtaposition James
Uploaded: 2018-02-07T03:05:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ALL CALL: Juxtaposition James' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ALL CALL: Juxtaposition James' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-07. Transcript available.

This past weekend.
Hey Theo, this is James from Omaha, Nebraska.
And I'm calling because I've got a little bit of dark arts on my mind.
And I appreciate you calling, James.
And I've been in Omaha, dude, and I've honestly masturbated outside of that
city a couple times.
And I've actually, and I'll do an update real quick.
I've been struggling still with the adult masturbation.
Touching myself, not others.
And it's been, you know, I've been doing well.
And then last night I fell off.
You know, I fell off that jerk wagon.
But I'm trying to get back on it.
I'm not giving up.
And I just wanted to update and kind of come clean about that.
You know, and be out here where I am.
You know, but I appreciate you calling in here, James, with your dark arts
issue.
Here we go. Onward.
So I'm 21 years old.
I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for about three years now.
Oh, wow.
So that's that young love.
And that's beautiful, man.
If you're in young love, sometimes it's almost, that's the love that's
dangerous.
People get murdered at that age in love, you know.
Onward.
It's a pretty serious relationship.
I just see myself being with her the rest of my life.
But.
Wow.
And you know what?
Good for you, man.
Because that's brave, dude.
You know, that's bravery, bro.
Onward.
You know, there's this thing on my mind where, you see, I lost my virginity to
her.
I've never been sexually with another woman before.
Okay.
So you, so, so this is your lady.
That's your girl.
And y'all, that's called a golden, I think it's called a golden Oreo.
When you've only had sex with one person and y'all are gonna, and y'all are,
and you guys are together, you know.
And you guys are gonna, when you're married to somebody and you only had sex
with one person, I'm pretty sure it's called a golden Oreo.
Onward.
The same is not, it's not the same for her.
She did not lose her virginity to me.
She hooked up with several guys before she met me.
Okay.
So she's a little bit more of a nut or butter, you know.
And that's okay, man.
That's okay.
Onward.
And so basically, you know, I don't know how I feel about potentially spending
the rest of my life with this woman and, you know, not ever, not ever having
sex with anybody else.
Part of me thinks I should be okay with this.
You know, that perfect 1-0 record is probably something a lot of guys wish they
had.
But for me, it's just like, man, there's so much out there sexually, some of
these sexual experiences that I feel like, man, I might be missing out on, you
know.
Missing out on, you know.
And that's the end of the call.
Wow.
That's a big, that's a big issue.
Big question.
Not an issue.
Sorry.
That's a big question.
It's a big call, James.
And I appreciate you calling.
You know, that, I was in your position when I was young, man.
When I went off to college, I was dating a girl and she, and I'd lost my virginity
to her.
Outside of a bowling alley, actually, you know, and people were throwing rocks
at us and all kinds of shit.
And it was a different time back then.
And it was more of a rural time.
You know, there was more gravel.
But, you know, and I was jealous.
And I couldn't get over the jealousy.
And it really had nothing to do with her.
That just had to do with me, you know.
And here's the thing.
And, yeah, you can get out there and experience more dating, more sexualness.
There's that opportunity, man.
That is out there.
That's out there for you.
If you want it.
But there's something nice.
If you love someone, that is hard to find again.
It's hard to find.
You know, and I believe that.
I believe that that is hard to find.
You can't just always fall in love.
You can date somebody and make a relationship.
But you can't always fall in love.
Like, that's really the tough thing.
So, I think you have to look at what you have.
Is the grass greener out there?
I don't know.
And only you know that for yourself.
If you're honest with your girl, you could say, look, I feel like I need to
explore more things.
You know?
You could tell her that.
And I just, I'm not ready.
I want to sow my oats a little bit.
You don't have to phrase it like that so it's sexual.
But you could tell her that.
You could let her know.
Because if you just were to cut ties with her, then that's tricky.
You know, then she's not going to know why.
She's not going to know what's going on.
And getting earnest with her is really where you're going to be able to prosper,
even though it's going to be the tough part.
I want to listen to your call one more time, the second half of it.
Here we go.
Before.
The same is not, it's not the same for her.
She did not lose her virginity to me.
She hooked up with several guys before she met me.
And so, basically, you know, I don't know how I feel about potentially spending
the rest of my life with this woman and, you know, not ever having sex with
anybody else.
Part of me thinks I should be okay with this, you know, that perfect 1-0 record
is probably something a lot of guys wish they had.
But for me, it's just like, man, there's so much out there sexually, so many
sexual experiences that I feel like, man, I might be missing out on.
Right.
Okay, and there you go, man.
And so I just wanted to hear it again because I am, sometimes I'm kind of
ignorant, you know, and I got to hear it again.
If, yeah, that 1-0 record is good.
Look, man.
There's something beautiful about, about that bliss, man.
About that ignorance is, and it's not ignorance, but this, the sexual ignorance
is, because here's the thing.
You get out there, you start comparing, you start contrasting.
Now, I hope you're not, you're comparing things to pornography.
If you're doing that, you got to hold that line, bucko.
Because the things that happen in pornography are not happening in regular
people's sexual activity.
You know, you get to, you see pornography and it's, you know, it, you know, you
know, it's all that action.
And they got elbows and titties and, you know, people with, you know, freelance
buttholes and all kinds of activity.
But in real life, dude, it's fucking awkward and, you know, somebody just had
dinner and they had capers and they got a belch and it's fucking, you know, you
had a Pepsi and there's dog shit in the corner of the room.
And there's, you know, it, you know, there's a lot of other, there's, there's
the reality.
You know, this one's a tough one for me, man.
So I'm going to put this one out to our callers and I'll chime in on this one
next week.
Because that's a real deal.
You know, that is a real deal when you're out there.
And, you know, I had a girl that I was in love with in high school.
And, you know, and I lost my virginity to her.
And I lost my virginity behind, you know, a bowling alley standing up.
And people were throwing rocks and all kinds of shit at us.
Very Gaza Strip, if you will.
And, and, but I remember being jealous that the, that this woman had had more
partners than I had.
But it didn't have anything to do with her.
That was all on me.
So the jealousy, if you have jealousy, it's your thing.
Now, how do you handle that and deal with that at your age?
Who knows?
You know, I don't know.
I didn't handle it well.
I was angry at her.
I resented her.
But I had no tools for solving any emotional or relationship problems.
I had zero tools.
I was flight or fight or fuck.
I think maybe it might be the third one.
Or just, just fiddle.
And I would just kind of fiddle with my fingers.
And just be, you know, kind of loitering and be awkward and shit.
And I also hid outside of a girl's place one time and petted a cat out there in
South Carolina.
Doing some light stalking.
You know, and I will apologize for that.
But, but let's put that one out to the callers, man.
We'll put that one out to the callers.
If you have some suggestions for James, 985-664-9503.
That is the hotline.
It's past weekend.