Name: 2-8-18 Stuck Yoovah | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #73
Uploaded: 2018-02-08T13:30:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-8-18 Stuck Yoovah | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #73' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-8-18 Stuck Yoovah | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #73' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-08. Transcript available.

2-8-18 Stuck Yoovah | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #73

Here we go.
It's Thursday.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
All right.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
It's Thursday.
It's Thursday.
And I want to welcome you guys to this past weekend.
Here we are. It's Thursday.
And it is February 8th.
February 8th.
You know what happened this year that I didn't really pay much attention to was
Punxsutawney Phil.
And Punxsutawney Phil is a rodent.
I mean I'll put it to you like that.
You know a lot of people say he's a groundhog.
And that could be you know that could be true.
But also he's a rodent.
And he has I guess a disorder where if he sees his shadow then he goes back
inside.
And a lot of us have that disorder that's a mental health disorder.
And so I guess that's why he's become such a hero to everybody because you know
it's one of the first animals that I know they have a lot of animals that deal
with it.
But this animal you know they kind of made a little show out of it every year
where if he has you know a lot of anxiety then we you know it kind of it's it
creates this idea that we're going to have a longer winter.
You know if Phil if Phil Punxsutawney Phil has longer anxiety then we're going
to have a longer winter.
And so it's pretty interesting but I didn't even pay attention this year.
You know I realized this is the first year that I never paid attention to what
was happening.
With Mr. PP right there Punxsutawney Phil.
I never you know usually I'm keyed in you know I'll get up early and watch the
you know on the internet now they have this Phil feed.
And it's just a the Phil feed is it's just a feed on the internet where you can
see what you know how Phil basically how Phil is feeling and what Phil's
feelings are.
And and this year I didn't do it.
And I don't know if I didn't do it.
I think it's just one of those things you kind of evolve out of.
You know you just kind of grow out of it.
You know there are things in life there are stages that kind of just you just
evolve out of certain stages and out of certain things.
You know you evolve out of believing in Santa.
You know of course somebody tells you or you see something naughty.
You know you see somebody you know you see Santa doing something nasty or
drinking.
And you're like oh this is something you know this is different than what the
books are telling us.
You know this is different than what the commercials are telling us.
And you evolve out of that you know.
There's a you know there's some things there's things you just kind of quit
thinking about and quit inspecting I guess.
And Punxsutawney Phil was one of those for me it just became one.
It just became one of those things where it was like you know I got enough of
my own anxiety enough of my own mental issues to tune into this animal once a
year.
And see what his issues are and see how he's faring faring as an animal.
So I didn't even pay attention it was February 2nd.
I'm going to look up right now what he even saw.
You know Punks Tawney Phil.
And I'm going to see what he even saw.
Groundhog Day.
He saw his shadow.
And it said that it's going to be a colder second half of the it's going to be
colder than usual for the next six to eight weeks.
So there you go.
That's it.
And and they don't have a lot of animals that can that can do that sort of
thing.
But when you read up on a lot of animals you find out that they have animals
that can do it.
You know a lot of sheep and cows and stuff if it's going to rain they'll get
nervous.
You know if there's going to be a earthquake then you know chickens a lot of
times will try to get to a little bit higher ground.
So if you have a box in your yard and you have some chickens in your yard.
If there's going to be an earthquake chickens are likely to try and stand on
that box or jump up onto that box.
So if you have a one box and you have you know 60 or 70 chickens outside.
And all of a sudden they're all on that box.
You know if they're all you know like a 700 piece like a KFC 700 piece.
If they all up in there.
Then you then you can start to expect that there's going to be an earthquake.
You know they also say that a lot of I think there's other animals horses giraffes
will lay down if there's going to be like a volcano I think.
Let me look that up.
Yeah but it's just shoot this internet's not working.
But yeah if there's going to be a volcano if there's going to be you know a lot
of animals can predict different stuff.
And so it's you know a long time ago when we were Native Americans before you
know we before we weren't Native Americans.
And you know that's one way to put it that we but you know we were more into
that sort of thing and that's how we knew information.
And now this information is just all out there.
It's just free information.
You can have as much information as you want now.
And I'm starting to wonder are we going to get to a place where we don't want
it anymore.
You know I'd love to I just wish there was sometimes just a cage where you
could go where there was where you didn't have a desire to have any information.
Because I start to see it as an infection sometimes.
You know it's just it's just it's constant reminders of what you don't have in
front of you.
Like I remember you know when I was young you know we didn't have everything.
But we also didn't we weren't advertised everything everything wasn't
advertised at us.
You know I had a cousin glance who didn't have who didn't grow any hair till he
was probably about maybe 10 and a half.
And for a long time people thought he had cancer people thought he had you know
alopecia people thought he was you know Mormon.
People thought all kinds of stuff because he didn't grow any hair till he was
10 and a half.
But the the the main thing with glance was that he just didn't have it in him.
You know his genetics were I don't know if they were faulty or they were you
know they were factory direct.
I don't know what the hell they were aftermarket or whatever.
But his genetics didn't have him hair didn't have him on the hair clock until
10 and a half years.
Most of us get hair out of the gate.
You know we get hair right when we get into the world everybody gets a little
bit of hair.
And you get some hair on your head or you get some you know babies will get a
little bit of hair all over their body.
You know they get a little bit of hair all over their body.
And you could it's damn you know they're just little.
I mean they're just little guinea pigs really.
They're little guinea pigs really.
They're just have these little bitty hairs all over them.
I'm not sure what it's called.
But glance didn't have any hair until he's probably 10 and a half.
And I remember people were praying for his hair and you know praying for growth.
And but it wasn't in the cards for him.
But he also like he wasn't you know we didn't have all the information out
there at the time where you just didn't you know everybody.
There was tons of information as to why he didn't.
There wasn't constant there wasn't constant there wasn't constant
advertisements for hair companies you know and hair mart or you know hair dot
net or different places where all kinds of places you know pro piece all this.
You know because if that would have been the case then you'd have had a kid you'd
have had my cousin who was you know who would have spent his whole life trying
to get this this hair trying to get this thing.
Instead of living his life.
You know and that's I just feel like with all the information now we're just
there's so many options.
There's so much you could be doing this or what you're doing isn't the best
thing you could be doing.
And as long as that carrot is always out in front of me I don't know if I can
enjoy the salad that I'm eating.
If you know what I'm saying here.
And I'm vegging here I'm using vegetable ideas.
But it's like how you know as long as that as long as that carrot's dangling
out in front of me how can I enjoy you know the bounty that I have in front of
me.
And it's hard.
And that's one of the pitfalls of of information and of advertising these days.
Is that it's just well it's not a pitfall of advertising that it's it's it's it's
it's it's it's their I mean advertising kind of our arch nemesis really.
If we want peace you know but of technology and information it's just it just
it's constant reminder of what you aren't doing or what you could be doing
better or.
You know now it's like say you you know you go and look up a recipe for eggs
you're going to make an egg salad or you're going to make just regular eggs
without salad fried eggs.
You know we're just to gather eggs scrambled.
And but now you go and look up a recipe you have the recipe right that's all
you want it to do.
But then you know now maybe you make your eggs and then you're going to watch a
video on the Internet.
But now the video knows that you just looked up eggs the Internet does.
And so now it's sending you all this other stuff better than eggs.
They have a recipe called better than eggs.
You're like fuck now you were you're just trying you just spent time making
these eggs and now you're eating eggs under the in the shadow of an
advertisement for something called better than eggs.
And is it better than eggs who knows what the fuck it is.
You know who knows but it's it's just that that this information always looms.
It's like this you know it's like that I don't know it's just always right
there in front of us.
And I just miss the days when that wasn't it when everything was just more more
chill more calm where you enjoy you know you know you get what you get and you
don't throw a fit.
Because you didn't have a fit to throw because you didn't know the other
options.
Man I remember you know when I was young you were just happy to have whatever.
And the only goal when you were a child when I was young was not to get your
ass beat by your mother or your father.
I remember this boy you that one of the Uva kids had his family that lived down
the street from us called the Uva's.
And this one boy stuck.
I don't know what his full name was Stanislaus or something.
I think they were from they might have been Dutch.
I mean I don't know if they were Dutch or not.
They were pieces of shit but they might have been you know Dutch shit.
But they the Uva's had this one of the boys stuck.
He'd had his and it's a nick that was a nickname Stanislaus I think was his
real name.
But he had his fingers glued together two of his fingers.
And I mean you know not just a line of super glue.
I'm talking a whole damn you know one of those green bottles with the red cap.
They'd really put it on him and he had two I mean he was just a dang you know a
wee blow scout all the time.
He had that double up you know.
And he couldn't get him off never got him separated as long as I knew him which
is probably nine years.
And so he would always suck on his fingers you know.
And he would just enjoy that glue enjoy that hit you know.
And I don't even know where this story was going.
What were we talking about?
Oh we're talking about when you oh so one time he stayed over.
So one time Stuck stayed the night at my place.
My mother's house that I lived in when I was a child because we all lived
together because we're a family.
And this is when we were still a family when we were still you know all living
together.
And my and so our big thing was sneak down at night makes you know cook some
shit in the oven.
Some basic ass shit crackers you know maybe a little bit of cheese on maybe a
little bit of a you know fucking just bop them up with that American slice you
know.
Maybe take a slice of American and cut it in a four.
Bam bam.
You know put them crackers you know.
Get them you know throw a little pepper on them bitches you know.
Fire them up.
And we get that oven heated.
Get that oven you know cranking.
But you know the light from the kitchen it could hit the under the doorway of
my mother's room.
And if I made too much noise she could hear us.
So you didn't w