Name: 2-12-18 Portland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #74
Uploaded: 2018-02-12T13:30:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-12-18 Portland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #74' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-12-18 Portland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #74' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-12. Transcript available.

2-12-18 Portland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #74

This past weekend
Fuck, must be video
Alright
Yeah, yeah
Come on now
It's just Monday
Come on man
We can do it
If you'll do it, I'll do it guys
If you'll do it, I'll do it
If you'll do it, I'll do it
It's just Monday
That's all it is
If you're listening to this on Monday
If not, it could be Tuesday
If you're doing a different day
And also listening to this at the same time
And welcome to this past weekend
And happy whatever day it is
I mean, the thing is
Is that this is it
This is the day
Whatever it is, I don't care if it's
You know, if it is the year 2018
Which is when this has been recorded and taped
Or if it's
You might be listening to this in
2071
But this is the day
Whatever, this is it
So whatever it is
Is what it is
So at this point
It's just
How am I gonna deal with it?
How am I gonna look at it?
How am I gonna look at it?
Cause let me tell you this
Today probably showed up
With claws on
You know, and with sharp panties on
And today probably showed up
Wanting to be wild
You know, today probably showed up
With a, like a fucking dude
With no arms and sharp teeth
That wants to fight
And how are you gonna deal with today?
That's the question
Because that
Is what's in our control
You know what I'm saying?
They might have a missile
Headed right at you
Or headed right at your cousin
Or headed right at somebody
You don't even know
Maybe a step cousin
Or a distant relative
Or somebody
One of your parents used to fuck
When they were in college
They might have a missile
Headed right at you
Or headed right at them
But what are you gonna do?
You gotta find a way
To celebrate living
In the meantime
As the missiles head
Our direction
We gotta hit that joy
You know, if you gotta cut on
A beautiful song
Onto the music player
Or you gotta do something
You know, if you gotta watch a
You know, somebody do the Dougie
Or somebody do, you know
A fancy dance on the internet
Or you gotta do
Whatever you gotta do
You gotta tickle somebody
That's already probably got
High blood pressure
And watch them laugh
And then also cough
Probably cough
Probably cough
And then struggle
Whatever you have to do
It's just a matter of
You gotta find that joy
For today
You gotta find it
Cause sometimes
Life's gonna give you
That fucking limonada
And that's Spanish lemonade, baby
And what are you gonna do?
Huh?
You're gonna sit there
And be like
Man, I don't like limonada
No
You gotta find a way
To thrive
You gotta find a way
To just convince your taste buds
That today
Is limonada
For daddy
And limonada
For da mama
So let's just
Let's have a good perspective today, guys
Whatever day it is
And let's get into it
Thank you guys for joining me
Thank you guys for being a part of my
Celebrating living
All of your demons exercise
That's it
Let's have some fun while we are dying
Little dark?
It's a little dark, I know
But that's by Spencer Jacob Growl
And if you're hearing me come in a little bit wacky there
A little echoey
Because
I am in Portland, Oregon
And I'm down here at the Nines Hotel
They got a fancy hotel down here called the Nines
And I'm staying down here
And I took the
And how I do it when I'm on the road
I put a picture up on my Instagram
But how I do it is
I'll take the light
The lamp covers off
And put the lamps close enough
And I get the video camera set up
So we can have video and audio
And then
And we start putting this hitter together
Speaking of hitters
Grey block pizza
They're always with us
You know, sometimes you have a devil on your shoulder
And that devil is
He's got pork ribs
Or he got, you know, birthday cake
Day old birthday cake
You know, or two day old
But then on that other shoulder
You got that
You got that Italian
You got that fiery Italian
With that spine
With a spine that's
That's kind of fancy, you know
Some people's spines go straight
And some people's spines go side to side
They call it scoliosis
I call it spine flavor
Some people
Bone structure got that built in twerk
And that's what I call it
And that's what I
That's what I see
When I see somebody with that scoliosis
I'm like, damn
You know
Daddy's got that
Osteophochostus
You know, daddy's spine
Has already got that dance move built into it
And that's what you get with that grey block hitter
You know, that devil's on your shoulder with the pork ribs
And with the, you know
The day old birthday cake
That has maybe expired frosting on it
You know, frosting that should have been eaten a year or two ago
But then on that other shoulder
You got that beautiful Italian delivery boy
And he don't have a whole pie
He might have a slice
Wouldn't that be beautiful?
A delivery man shows up to your door
Just with that slice, boy
Oh, he's like
And you open the door
And you can't even
The Italian man that is so
He's so sexy
You can't even fucking get a good look at him
That's how sexy that man is
And he might have a shirt on
He might not have a shirt on
He might have three shirts on
You don't even know
He's moving so fast
But so slow at the same time
And you know you ordered pizza
But maybe you didn't
Maybe your heart did
And you look
And you think he's gonna have
Maybe like he's got a hot bag
He's got that one of them hot bags
It's actually a box
And some of them pizza people
They carry the hot box
You know, and you're like
Damn, what's in there, you know?
And he opens it up
And first you see just a bunch of steam
Come flowing out
Maybe a small horse
Comes running out of the bag
Or two horses
And they've been drinking a lot of water
And they look well nourished
And you're like, fuck
Those horses were having fun in that bag
What's going on in there?
And then he reaches in
And you think he's gonna pull out
A whole pizza pie
This fast, slow Italian
You think he's gonna pull out
An entire
El pia
El piazza
De italiano
But no
He pulls out just one slice
And you open your mouth
To ask a question
But before you can get the question out
He reaches his small
Little bitty, long
Sexy Italian hand
And just drops that pizza right in
In the loud
Face hole
And your eyes close
And you go to sleep
And you have dreams
Of pure joy
You have dreams
Of the Lord
Sitting on a cloud
Playing with Barbie dolls
And eating fresh frosting
And that is that
Gray Block Hitta
Their link is always with us
In our information
You can check them out
That's G-R-E-Y-B-L-O-C-K
Dot com
Gray Block
Or Gray Block Pizza
I don't know
The link is in the
Frickin info
Don't ask me
But they're always with us
Get that Hitta
I'm in Portland
I'm in Portland
Oregon
And man
What
What a
What a week
I'm going to tell you
Right out of the gate
I'm going to thank some people
Man
I want to thank a couple of
Fat Gary came out
Fat Gary came out
With his wife
Bro
With his lean wife
Daniel
Big Daniel came
Gutter Smut 212 came
Cat Bush Ernest
Who else
I got a couple
Spice Rack
Dead Family
11 came out
Alan
Small Pat
Everybody came out
And I'm grateful
And I'm thankful
I'm thankful to you guys
For making my experience
Here a good one
And it has been a good one man
We went to Harvey's Comedy Club
If you haven't been there
A lot of my listeners
It was their first time
A lot of my fans
It was their first time there
And
And it was my first time there man
And we got through it
And we got through the weekend
And I just want to thank you guys
So many cool cats came out
People drove in from
Canada
Detroit
Other countries
Different places
Somebody boated in
They said
Some dude had
You know
They have a coat rack room
Where you check your coat
Some dude checked in
Two boat oars
Like who in the fuck is this Viking
But he made it
He made it out to the show
And he said he couldn't bring his family
But he brought pictures of his family
He kind of questioned him a little bit
But you know what
In the end
I'm just going to believe him
And believe that he has a family
But man we had a blast
We had a blast over there in Portland, Oregon
And everybody came out
And I just want to thank you
It was a good time
And I got to tell you
People were asking
Did you visit the hamster ranch?
And hold on
I'm just making sure this audio is okay
People were asking
Did you visit the hamster ranch?
Let me tell you this
Yes I did
I went out there
And visited with the hamster rancher himself
Mr. Austin Robinette
And I'm going to see if I have his call here
Right here
Man where is hamsters
His call
Anyhow
I should have it right here
I don't have it
But anyhow
Austin called in a while back
And he said hey man
I am a damn hamster rancher
You know and I need you out here
You love it out here
And he's out here ranching hams
And so I went out there
And I pull up
And look man I was a little bit nervous
Cause look let's be honest
Nine out of ten times
Somebody says hey come out to
The suburbs or rural area
Rural Oregon
And you know I'll be out here
With five or six thousand hamsters
Pretty much nine out of ten times
You're going to get murdered
Nine out of ten times
Go do it
You don't believe me
You don't believe me
I know some of you guys are sitting there like
Come on man
Ninety percent of the time
I'm going to get murdered
Yes
You might
So I'm not saying that I'm a damn miracle
But I'm saying I caught that lucky
Non-murdering hamster rancher
And so Austin
I met him up out there
And he's a man
You know he's about a medium man
If you had to think of a man who's a medium
A healthy medium
Then you would be thinking about him
And I got out there
And I was nervous
You know and
And next thing you know
They welcomed me inside
He was out there
And he has children
So you got children out there
And when you see the children
You know things are pretty legit
Because a lot of murderers
If somebody's a murderer
They don't bring their children around
You know
Murderers they usually do family stuff
Murder stuff
Separate
But I'll tell you this
I got into their main kind of
And I don't want to call it a warehouse
Because I don't want to sound
Make sound
Make their business sound
Like
Un
Un
Like
Like not
You know legit
Or not healthy
I mean these animals were all
Well cared for it seemed like
They had them all out there
They had them Swarovskis
Them Russians
You know they had
I didn't see any
They had some Syrians
I saw
Probably about
I'm not even joking
Maybe 1100 Syrian hams out there
Gang gang
I saw
They had
The Campbell Dwarfs
I mean they
Look they had Angus
They had the black Angus dude
You know they had the Fibonacci's
They had everything
They had everything
You can't even imagine
I saw 6000 hamsters
Right there
I mean it was like
I mean if Noah's Ark
Would have pulled up
It would have been a fucking fight
Because
There's no way you were going to pick two
Just to put on a boat
They were all beautiful
And I was in heaven
And this man Tony Jones
Met me out there
You know
My lady friend accompanied me out there
And we made it out there
And
And we just checked them out
And it was awesome
You know the lady
I think
Christy or Christa is her name
I also don't want to give out too much of their personal information
Because they welcomed me into their environment
But I'll tell you this
This man Austin Robinette
And fuck I just gave his full name
But this man Austin Robinette
He's a ham rancher
And man he took
They welcomed me in
And next thing you know
Look I'll tell you this
If you would have put me in a
In a
In a bathtub
You could have completely covered me with hamsters
If I was laying down
You could have completely covered me with hamsters
Probably
40 times
That's how many there were
So I'm just telling you
There was six, seven thousand
They were
And look there was a lot of them were breastfeeding
And they were fucking hugging
And a lot of them like you know
You're walking down the rows
And they're in these little
You know they're in these
You know cages
Or aquariums
And I'm not saying cages
This shit ain't like the green mile
You know
It's not like I'm walking through there
And they got you know
One of them's beating a cup against the rails
Or something
Or throwing you know
Skeet out of the damn cage
Or something like in Silence of the Lambs
It's not like Silence of t