Name: Theo Von - German Masturbation Killing Hundreds
Uploaded: 2018-02-14T23:09:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - German Masturbation Killing Hundreds' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - German Masturbation Killing Hundreds' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-14. Transcript available.

Hey Theo, Vincent here from Germany. Just wanted to call the hotline about some
issues we're having here in Germany.
Thank you for calling Vincent from Germany.
And this might be our first true German on the hotline.
And I respect true Germans.
You know?
And I met a man one time that was a true German and he said he never eats candy
canes out of season.
And I always respected that about him. That's true German.
Onward, Vincent. Thank you for calling.
Like, for men, it has gotten really tough out here.
I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm kind of lost.
And they're introducing all these laws now.
Like, they're starting to find men 350 euros for whistling at women and asking
them for a phone number.
Wow. You hear it, guys?
You hear what Vincent's saying?
That in Germany, they can't even whistle at a woman.
What if you just happen to have your lips pursed and somebody punches you in
the stomach and a bunch of air goes out of your face and a hot chick is walking
by?
I'm sure a lot of men have used that if they've had to go to court, use that
excuse.
But that's only going to last a couple times, you know, before they just say,
nope, not that either.
Everybody's going to jail.
$350 for asking a woman for her number.
Well, you know what we need?
The problem is...
Here, let's listen to the rest of your call first, please, Vincent.
Onward.
I don't know what to do in Sweden.
They even started, like, you need, like, a proof of consent from the women.
Like, you need a little contract.
You need your lawyer to draw up a little contract before you can have sexual
intercourse with the women.
And I don't know.
It's just going crazy.
Wow.
And you'd think the Swedish, man, I would...
I'd bang a couple of Swedish chicks with zero documents, honestly.
I mean, there's definitely some chicks from some places where I'd be like, let's
see some documents, you know?
Let's see some identification.
But, man, you, you, you, you, you know, you show up with a wheelbarrow full of
Swedish ladies at my place?
I'm not asking for paperwork.
But I hear the pain in your voice, Vincent.
I do, I do hear the pain in your voice.
Let's hear more.
Just wanted to hear your opinion on this.
We already have a giant masturbation problem in Germany, and I think it's just
going to get worse.
Like, we have a hundred Germans being killed through masturbation every year.
And I wanted to tell you this, because that's kind of funny.
There was one man, he was wearing a pantyhose, a raincoat, and a diving suit,
as well as a plastic bag over his head.
And he died after sitting next to a heater and trying to melt that cheese on
his body.
And I hear you laughing there, and I appreciate that call.
We were just talking about that.
And some of you listeners are going to see, well, look, that's kind of weird
there.
You were just talking about that, and now this man was, well, I was reading the
article, and then people know that this is about the dark arts.
In the title of the article, it's called The Masturbating Game in Germany is Killing
These Dark Artists.
So, on the hotline, we happen to have a call from this man, and he's citing
that source as well.
Vincent, thanks for that.
You know, I mean, gosh, these men are dying.
These men are dying.
Do you hear this, guys?
Men are jerking off and dying, trying to cook cheese on their fucking naked
bodies.
They don't know what to do.
That's the problem.
And where are the women that are standing up for men?
That's what I don't understand.
Why aren't there more women who are just standing up and saying, look, I'm okay
with how men are.
There's a lot of good men out there.
Can we quit looking at just the bad men?
And can we start honoring the good men that are out there?
Or can we just start accepting men with some of the faults that they have?
And I'm not saying severe faults.
I'm not saying, you know, these guys like Harvey Weinstein or Jeffrey Dahmer.
I'm not talking about that kind of shit.
But I am talking about, you know, maybe a guy, you know, he doesn't, you know,
get his toenails taken care of.
You know, or he, you know, he cries outside, out back of the house or out front
of the house in his truck once in a while.
That doesn't make him a bad person.
You know, or he doesn't want to use the recycling bin.
That doesn't make him Satan's little buddy.
Okay, it just makes it maybe that, you know, that that's what's going on for
him.
You know, it's like there's this, you know, you have all these, you have these
over feminists who they don't want men to do, they don't want anything from men.
They want to see men fail.
And so they are pushing this agenda that men are no good, that men aren't half
of the reason that any of us exist in the world.
You know, I think there's a lot of good men out there.
And if they aren't good, I know that they're trying, which is 100, which is, to
me, is 95% of it, are you making that effort?
You know, what's your end game?
Is your end game to be a good person?
Are you on that track?
You know, Tom Brady, they were talking, they had this article the other day
about Tom Brady and how he said, at a certain point in his life, his goal was
to be 1% better than the day before.
And that really, that really, that sat with me.
I'm like, man, I think, I think I can do that.
I can be 1% better than yesterday.
I think I can do that.
But I'm sorry, Vince, and I'm sorry that this is, you know, that this is
affecting you guys.
You know, 100 Germans a year, and who knows how many Swedish, French, we don't
need all the French, but whatever, you know.
We don't want to lose, you know, I mean, it's just sad, you know.
How many men in Reno, Nevada are dying each year because they're, you know,
jumping off a building and trying to cum at the same time?
You know, what's going on?
It's a tough time for men.
It's a tough time.
You just got to stand on your two legs and know what you're doing is okay.
You got to quit causing it.
If you're raping, stop raping.
If you're racist, stop racist.
You know, at some point, we also do have to be brave and move forward.
We got to get clean.
We got to tighten up.
It's okay to ask for forgiveness, you know.
Sometimes you're just one.
You're just, all you are is an ask for forgiveness away from having a clean
slate, from having a clean heart.
Sometimes that's all you are.
You're so close.