Name: 2-19-18 War of the States | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #75
Uploaded: 2018-02-19T13:56:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-19-18 War of the States | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #75' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-19-18 War of the States | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #75' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-19. Transcript available.

2-19-18 War of the States | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #75

Yeah. It's Monday.
And some of you guys might have recognized a little bit of that riff right
there, and I wanted to get you guys a gift since I didn't get to talk to you on
Valentine's, and that's that gift right there, and that's from Tiny Sandhu, and
that's that magic man, that magic, that Pied Piper in the distance.
You know, he's that wild soldier who's just firing arrows at us, beautiful
arrows from far away, and that's Tiny Sandhu, and he sent that to me on my
inbox for Valentine's, and he said, give this to the people.
And actually, I'll read the email right here. He said, hey, yo, sorry about the
tardiness. Hope this shit get there in time. Just crank this out, and I decided
to show some respect, Mr. John Mayer, too, with a cover of his song, Another
Kind of Green, and so that it is right there from Tiny Sandhu, from me to you
right there. Let's hear one more time a little bit of that riff.
And that sound, if you notice, it sounds a little bit like a pigeon trying to
learn to swim a little bit, if you listen to that. You know what I'm saying?
Take that vibe in as you're hearing it.
You know, it's got that a little bit of that tinge of it's like somebody trying
to jerk you off while you're trying to kind of hold your breath underwater, if
that means anything to anyone. Take that in while you hear it.
You know, you're trying to hold your breath, and somebody trying to jerk you
off a little.
And now, then he catapults. Listen to Tiny. He's going to take us up that
staircase right here.
Come on, Tiny.
You can do it. Tiny, get big.
Oh, my God.
And that's that Tiny Sandhu right there.
Happy belated Valentine's and happy February 19th.
And that last riff there by Tiny, man, he just, you know, when he really blows
up there at the end and he just lets it all hang out, it sounds a little bit,
it sounds like somebody just putting kind of just lukewarm caramel onto a baby's
back.
If you'll hear this one more time, take that in while you get this.
There he comes in with that knife.
He got that jar.
And that's that creamy right there.
Tiny putting that creamy on that baby's back.
Cream that baby up, boy.
Put a little bit of chunky on his soft neck.
He's spreading that sweet peanut butter, spreading that sweet caramel onto a
baby right there.
And that's that beautiful hitter right there from Tiny Sandhu.
Good to be back with you guys.
Sorry I didn't get a Thursday episode up, but you know what?
That's how life does it.
Had a crazy week.
We're doing the, we got a pilot for Comedy Central, you know, and I'm grateful.
It's a digital series.
You know, they're putting us on the digital, the digital network.
You know, we're going to put it out there.
And it's based on the podcast, you know, so it's, you know, it's young dudes
and young women, you know, and even maybe even people that's, you know, in the
middle.
People that's running that dual, you know, dual sex citizenship.
People that's running both operating systems at the same time.
You know, transgender.
Everybody's welcome on the show and it's, but yeah, it's like helping people
get, you know, get tight.
Because we all running a little bit loose.
I'm coming to you from La Jolla.
I'm down here in La Jolla, California.
Just went for a run.
I'm here at the La Jolla Comedy Store.
I want to thank everybody that's come out.
We've sold all the shows out so far.
Just been two shows on Friday.
We got two tomorrow.
Down here with little Essan.
And he is Middle Eastern.
And we also have another gentleman named Jeremy Sipio, who is a young black
gentleman.
Both friends of mine.
And Jeremy kind of has that syndrome where it's like a white man kind of stuck
into a black man's body.
And if you ever met a real, you know, it's like if they had like Death of a
Salesman, like Jeremy would play Willie Loman.
And, you know, he's got that, you know, he's that briefcase brother.
You know, he's like that.
But both very funny men.
We've been having a good time.
The show's already sold out for, you know, the rest of the weekend, hopefully.
So, I'm coming to you guys.
And it's beautiful.
And the sun is hitting this bedroom right now.
I just went for a run.
Man, La Jolla, you go for a run out here.
It's, I mean, everybody's beautiful.
They got, I mean, they got tits and ass.
And, you know, I saw a girl had a chin implant that was at least a fucking, you
know, a small B cup.
I'm like, damn.
She got them, them chits, you know, them chin tits.
And she had them.
And so, there's just beauty running up and down.
I mean, my goodness.
You know, you just see all of it.
And people putting, you know, slickener in their hair and gelling their bodies
up and getting outside and letting people kind of see their skin.
And you could see pets.
Even the pets are fucking beautiful.
I mean, even the pets are damn.
I mean, I saw a, I saw, I think it was a Bichon or something, or an Australian
terrier.
And that thing had some, I mean, that thing had some hips on it, to be honest.
And I don't look at animals like that.
I never have.
But that thing had some hips on it.
But good to be back, man.
Good to be with you guys.
You know, I want to update you on a few things.
We got the Hamster Rancher video.
It's just been this past week, I didn't get time to rest.
You know, I booked too many comedy sets.
And I was shooting a pilot all day, each day.
And then I had to take a train down here to La Jolla.
And, you know, I'm grateful.
I'm grateful to be busy.
But that lifestyle is fast.
You know, it's fast.
And at the same time, you know, I'm trying to keep my head above water.
And I just last weekend, I forgot my medication at home.
I don't know if anybody's ever been without a medication.
But, man, you'll get bent out.
The first day, if I don't take antidepressant, the first day, I'm okay.
I don't notice it.
But that second day, boy, you know, they could have a bunch of birds outside.
And all I'll hear, I'll hear like a, you know, I'll hear, you know, I'll hear
like an angry, like an angry crow.
You know, they'll have a bunch of sparrows chirping and doing the, you know,
doing the Lord's verbal diligence.
But I'll hear like an angry crow, like half a mile away, you know.
And that's what sometimes being off the antidepressants does for me.
It makes me all bent out.
It makes me, you know, just real on edge.
You know, like I'm, you know, like I'm, like I'm, like I'm, like I'm living on,
like my, like my brain is, is, is, is living on a, on an inline roller skate.
You know, those inline roller skates where the, the, the wheels are in a row.
It's like my brain is riding on one of those.
And it's rated, it just, it's just wobbling.
It's, you know, it's, it's wobbling.
But, so it took me a couple days, man, I had to regroup.
And I just hit that run out here.
I got that four mile hitter in.
Because I'm, one of my goals this year is to get that body pump.
You know, and some people, they like that old fashioned body pump.
You know, you outside and, you know, putting butter on the legs and pushing,
you know, going to prison just to, you know, be able to work out that old kind
of, that old school kind of shit.
But I like that.
I like that, you know, you go to the gym, you get that maybe 70 minute workout
in, and you get that full body pump.
I like my whole body to feel pumped up.
You know, some people want that one muscle group.
I want that whole body pump.
You know, I want to feel like my, you know, my skin kind of lifted off the bone
a little bit.
You know, I want to feel kind of light in the legs.
You know, I want to feel like, you know, I want to feel my balls kind of
bubbling up by the top of my sack.
You know, I want to feel that body pump.
I want to feel that warmth.
I want to feel it inside of me.
So, yeah, I'm down here in La Jolla, and it's been good, and thank you guys for
your support.
Had a good time in Portland last week.
Some people wrote in, like, Theo, what happened in Portland?
What was going on?
And I didn't comment much on it, you know.
And then, you know, I thought more about it, and I'm like, well, some things,
you know, I should comment on, and some things I shouldn't comment on.
And, you know, I had a good experience at Harvey's.
You know, we had a lot of great people come out.
A lot of people came out.
I mean, honestly, and I want to put some photos up, I probably had 10 people
that came out.
It was their first time ever at a comedy show.
You know, and that's pretty amazing, you know, just to have that opportunity to
be somebody's inaugural experience.
But we just had an issue one night on the stage.
It was, I think it was the third show on Saturday or something.
The emcee was just going through a tough time, and he and I got into some
differences backstage.
And he just, you know, he just said some offensive stuff, and then he brought
me on the stage.
And so it was just awkward.
You know, and I'm not, look, I'll take responsibility.
Like, I probably, you know, could have been kinder to him offstage, maybe.
Or I could have recognized, maybe, if he was going through a tough time.
You know, I don't think I was as keen as I could have been.
But yeah, so then it was just awkward.
So this dude's like, you know, you know, F-bomb this, F this guy, fuck D.O.,
blah, blah, blah.
Then I got to come out and perform.
So it was the strangest thing I've ever been through.
You know, I've never had an issue at any comedy club I've ever been to in my
life, ever.
I'm trying to think of one issue that I've had.
Maybe, you know, people in the audience being wild.
One lady bought a snake one time down near El Paso.
One lady bought a rattler and let that bitch loose.
Because it was her birthday or something, or, you know, her, you know, her
brother's quinceañera or something.
And they're setting it off.
And they let a rattler loose at that club.
But outside of that, I've never, I've never been involved in anything at a
comedy club.
You know, one time, actually a long, long time ago, me and a gentleman did get
into an argument.
He was in the audience.
And I got into the crowd and had to choke him down a little.
You know, give him that light choke, bruh.
You know, give him that fucking hard scarf, you know.
And the problem was, while we're sitting there wrestling on the ground, I had
the microphone with me the whole time.
So we're arguing, fighting, rolling around.
And the whole audience can hear every little part of it, you know.
Even to the point where, you know, when you're like, you know, when a fight
stalls out and the two dudes are just like, let me go.
You let me go, I'll let you go.
Let go of my hair.
You let go of my hair.
Let go of my, you let, all right, one, two, three, boom, right.
And then everybody lets go.
The audience was listening to all of that up close.
Because I had the microphone right there with me.
So, man, by the time we stood up from that, the audience was howling.
Because it was like they were behind the scenes on a fight, you know.
They were behind the scenes on a fight.
So, but yeah, that was the thing.
The guy was like, fuck you, you know.
Theo's a fucking asshole.
And he brought me up.
And it was just, you know.
And I didn't say anything on stage.
And I probably, that's, well, I just didn't want the crowd to feel
uncomfortable.
Because it was always, it was really uncomfortable.
You know.
And I know the guy's probably going through, you know, the dude had had, you
know, he hadn't been having a good weekend at all.
And, and he was, you know, he was opening up the show.
And I'd asked him not to use profanity at the front of the show.
Because, you know, I drop, I drop some.
And I, you know, one of the rules in comedy is if you're too blue up front,
then it doesn't leave room for the dude at the end to be blue.
You know.
Like, if the first guy drops a bunch of F-bombs, then, you know, the crowd
might not be ready for all that.
And so it just can make it tricky out of the gate.
So anyhow, that was the situation.
Am I blaming the dude?
You know, no, I'm not.
But here's the c