Name: 2-22-18 More State War | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #76
Uploaded: 2018-02-22T14:30:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-22-18 More State War | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #76' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-22-18 More State War | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #76' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-22. Transcript available.

2-22-18 More State War | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #76

Gang gang.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
That's it.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate living.
Let's have some fun.
Let's have some fun.
Thank you guys for turning me on.
It is Thursday, February 22nd.
That double deuce.
That double deuce.
I'm feeling anxious.
I got that anxie in me.
And that anxie gets in me and my arms.
Sometimes I feel like I can almost feel the hair growing in my arms.
I can almost feel the hair kind of growing in my arms like a cat.
Like a cat that's just licking on a...
You know, licking on an electrical wire.
And not sucking on it so you're zapping.
But just getting that...
You know.
And I feel my arms feeling a little electric.
I think I've had too much coffee today.
And that's sometime that happened when I've had...
You know, when you don't drink or do dope, you start looking for that next hit.
And that could be anything.
Sometimes I find myself, dude...
One time I made a coffee.
Put like probably 19 creamers in it.
You know those little creamers?
What is that?
That's some type of addiction.
You know, next thing you know, I'm creamed up.
Next thing you know, I'm dripping.
Kind of just dripping at the corners of my mouth.
With that soft white dairy drop.
Just flying off of daddy's little...
You know, flying off of daddy's little...
You know, face creases.
Just dripping out.
Like that drool, baby.
Just like that invalid sauce.
Just sliding out the side of my mouth.
Just...
I mean, that coffee was so creamy, I couldn't even swallow it.
I remember I'd put it in my mouth and it would just kind of just find its way
out.
And that was too creamy.
And sometimes you can't get that creamy.
But yeah, I just feel anxious.
My heart is rattling a little.
I feel cagey.
I feel cagey.
You ever get like that?
Feeling cagey.
And I feel like that a lot of times.
One thing about, you know, being sober and not doing drugs and alcohol is that
I get just damn cagey, man.
You know, I feel this...
I feel this little fire in the back of my neck.
And I don't know what it is.
It's just a...
It's like the devil just lit a match.
A long time ago, before...
Maybe even before I was born.
The devil just lit a match and just set it inside the base of my brain.
At the very, very bottom.
Like say if your brain had like a landscape, okay?
And out there somewhere at the beginning of the landscape or in the middle of
the landscape, there was a wishing well.
And you look down in that wishing well and it's just dark in there.
And at the very bottom of that wishing well, that's where the devil put a
little...
Just a little flame.
And that little flame is just in me.
And it's always...
It's in me.
And when I start, you know, just, you know, turning into that dark night.
And when I start dark art and start being wild, buying liquor, cocaine, any of
that, then that's when I can feel that thing getting, you know, heating up.
Heating up inside of me.
And it's, uh...
And it just, you know, and if I don't do drugs and alcohol, that flame is still
there and it still wants to latch on to other things.
So, it'll still find ways to, uh, to ignite.
And sometimes those ways are, you know, putting 19 coffees in a creamer.
Sometimes those ways are, you know, I remember one time I was at the CVS and
some kid, some little kid was being an asshole.
And he was wearing striped shirts.
He had on striped shirts and striped pants.
And right out of...
That is...
That's the most fucking asshole thing you can do.
Is wear double stripes.
And not be an inmate or be a, you know, a hamburglar.
Or, you know, or not be a man of constant sorrow.
And wear double stripes.
And they have one of those little inflatable basketballs or something that, you
know, is for sale in...
In one of those little bins or kits.
And I just, I took that thing out of that little bin, that inflatable ball.
And just hummed it at this kid.
And it, and it hit him strong.
Where that shoulder meets the neck.
That soft little shelf.
You know, it's like, uh...
Just that soft little shelf.
It just seems like a lot, like a...
It's that soft place.
Like, just like a lion licked you right there while you were being formed.
Like you were being formed out of clay.
And then they were trying to make the perfect shape for that.
Around you, where your neck meets your shoulder.
And a big lion comes and just licks that clay.
And that's where they, that's where that ball hit him real hard.
Right in that lion lick.
And I don't know if I taught him a lesson, but I, I know I taught him something,
that boy.
And I don't know who he was.
And that was actually, that was at an A&P.
And they don't have A&P anymore.
A&P was a, it was a chain grocer that they used to have.
And they had him by me.
And, uh...
And we'd go over there, me and one of my buddies.
And this was a young urban gentleman who was a good friend of mine named Devin.
And we'd go over there and buy plums and peaches when I was, when I was young.
But, um, but I remember one time acting out that way, just letting that flame
that was inside of me, you know, it's that flame that says, oh, go do that.
Do that.
That's bad.
Do that.
Do that.
Do something.
You know, that thing inside of you that makes you want to growl.
That makes you want to just, you know, sharpen, just sharpen your nails and
just, uh, and just touch, and just, you know, touch somebody real hard and
aggressively.
And that's what that is.
And so, I think sometimes it's just been, you know, I don't know.
When I get to feeling anxious, I feel like that, that thing inside of me, you
know, the little coffin inside of me that, where the devil sleeps is starting
to, is starting to open up a little.
And you can see the devil's eyes kind of just come up in that space between the
lid of the coffin and the rest of the coffin.
You can see his eyes come up and look out into the world and see what trouble
he can cause.
And I think I'm just feeding, I'm just feeling that inside of myself right now.
And I don't know what that is.
You know, I don't know what that is.
I don't think that I'm broken.
I just think that, you know, that's my dark art.
And, uh, and that's going on inside of me.
What's up with you guys?
Happy day to you.
I hope your day is good.
You know, I hope it's, I hope it's something that you, you know, I want you to
be inspired.
Somebody hit me with that text message the other day.
They said, out of the blue in the morning, it's 730.
It was today, actually.
It was the guy that worked at the car dealership.
This man, Big Steven Green.
And he fell down in his bathroom a couple of weeks ago and, and bruised his
ribs real badly on a bamboo trash can.
But he, this morning, you know, he texted me and he just said, be inspired.
That's what he said.
And I was like, wow.
That's getting, you know, that made my, you know, that made my nuts kind of
square up a little.
You know, and I've always wished that I could have square nuts so you could
stack your nuts on top of each other when you went, when, when, when you meant
business.
Because that's one thing I don't like about these round nuts.
They just, there's too much room for comfort, for relaxation.
As a man, I've always felt like I needed square nuts that if, when it's time to
party, when it's time to go hard, you know, when it's time to, when it's time
to be active and time to, you know, just when it's time to testify, when it's
time to take action, you could stack your nuts one on top of the other.
And say, gang, gang, let's go to work.
That's where I'm at.
And that's where I'm at today.
We got that hamster ranch video up.
It's up for Patreon right now.
And it'll go through the Patreon system and it'll come out and just be on
YouTube in a few days.
But that's out there and that's done.
And I want to thank everybody for, for being a part of that, you know, and for
letting us see them hamsters, man.
I've had, my dreams have been filled with furry little feet.
And I've gotten so many questions and inquiries about it.
And I just, you know, to see 6,000 of those, you know, beautiful little floor
bears all at one time, it just strengthens your heart.
And it lets you know the power of Mother Nature.
Let's you know the power of Mother Nature.
I got some coffee right here today and this is a single origin, Yerga-Hafi
blend.
And I don't know if this shit is made out of, you know, I don't know how many
blood diamonds are in the bottom of this stuff, but it's strong.
You know, this stuff will make you, I mean, it'll make you scalp your cousin.
It'll make you scalp your cousin.
So, I, you know, I was in Portland a couple weeks ago and I didn't tell you
guys that I met a fellow over there who didn't have a, he didn't have a, you
know, everybody have two front teeth.
Most people, most people have two front teeth unless they're doing crack
cocaine or methamphetamines or unless they're dead.
This boy had one front tooth.
And the rest of his teeth were all beautiful, well manicured, you know, shiny
pieces, elements, strong elements.
And, and he had, he was missing one and his, he was sitting there with his
parents and I said, wow.
I said, you know, you out of peace, bro.
And his mom goes, you know, he lost it when he was about six years old and he
didn't want a replacement.
And he's like, yeah, you know, I didn't want it.
And people made fun of me for a while.
He goes, but now it's one of the coolest, it's, he goes, I feel like it's one
of the neatest or coolest things about me.
And I had to agree.
I was like, damn, this guy, you know, running one light in the grill.
You know, this guy playing chess, but he missing a rook.
And it was, it was kind of empowering.
You know, it was kind of empowering to embrace, to see somebody, you know, just
brave to be kind of that different.
And I don't know if I have that ability sometimes to brave to be that different.
You know, I think a lot about adjusting, you know, or wishing I was differently
shaped.
You know, and I'm, you know, I go on and off of fits where I wear my neck brace
at night because I'm trying to, you know, I've always thought my neck was too
short and I've talked about that.
You know, I've complained I got medium length arms.
And you don't notice it until you, you know, you, you got an opportunity to hug
someone or something and you can't do it as well as you wish you could.
Or when you, you know, you're playing hoops and all of a sudden your arms, they
just feel, they don't feel as, you can't get something.
You can't reach for that ball or, you know, you go to shoot the ball and the
ball doesn't even really go up above your head.
It just kind of goes in front of your face because your arms aren't that long.
And just, you know, I've always, I don't know, I don't know if I've always
embraced the differences about myself as much as I wish I had.
And, um, I wonder what differences we'll have in the future.
You know, in the future, like people are already getting, you know, big holes
in their ears or people are getting implants, like studs put into their face.
You know, in the future, I mean, I think we're only probably 10 or 15 years
away from people having dorsal fins.
You know, you might have a cousin show up with a couple tentacles coming out of
his back.
I mean, it's, the beach is going to be a whole different ball game.
You know, when we can do just all kinds of different things, when you could,
you know, do some origami and shape your ears, fold them into little swans or,
you know, little bitty pictures, you know, maybe they'll shape your ears into,
you know, your favorite boxer or something, your favorite prize fighter.
You might have Muhammad Ali ears or Sugar Ray Leonard lobes.
You know, it's just, you know, it's amazing to think, you know, that, you know,
what things are going to be available in the future.
You know, if they're going to be able to make a horn and put it into your skull
where it come, I don't think we're far away.
I don't think we're far away, man.
And when I think about how fast that future is coming, I mean, it's just
lightning fast.
It's 