Name: Scoliosis | This Past Weekend: #77
Uploaded: 2018-02-26T14:35:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Scoliosis | This Past Weekend: #77' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Scoliosis | This Past Weekend: #77' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-26. Transcript available.

Scoliosis | This Past Weekend: #77

Put a dress on your sister
Because we about to do that thing
Come on
Come with me boy
Come on now
Come get that
Come touch daddy
Come touch daddy
He doing that donkey dance
I kind of ruined it there man
I don't have any rhythm
You know what I'm saying
I ain't got any rhythm
But I'm going to try
I'm going to try to bring something for you today
Welcome to this past weekend
Thank you guys for being here with me
And it is Monday February 2-6
In the year 2018
And you know what I'll say this man
This is leap year
Some people don't want to think it's leap year
Guess what
It is leap year you ignoramus
It's damn leap year dude
So
Do you have to pay rent this month?
You ain't getting 30 days bro
You know what I'm saying?
You can short that check a little
If the landlord want to take it up with somebody
Take it up with the Lord
You could take that up with the Lord
Oh this rent's coming in about $38 light
Well you could take that up
With the galactic powers
Okay
Mama didn't make the hemispheres
You know
Look I'm just balancing this checkbook
And it say
That the galaxy
Shorted me
About 48 hours of life this month
So if you think I'm paying you that full month rent
That's not a fact Jack
You're making an assumption
You're making an assumption
Thank you guys for joining me
On this past weekend man
Some of them I just got to make sounds
Because you know
I'll tell you
This episode
I'll break it down right then
What's going on
We're going to talk a little bit about
We had a caller calling about
People's
You know
A lot of people are doing this new
You know
Kind of this new body delicacy
Out there
Where they eat and ask
You know
You know
Snack on each other's butts
And everything
And I know that's
You know
It's Monday morning
Maybe we're not
People don't want to listen about that
Or talk about that
But that's something that's going on
And is that a dark art
Is that not a dark art
Is that just mother nature
Is that the way things are going
We're going to discuss that briefly
I'm going to get into that Griffin man
They had that
That
That Griffin Mike Perry fight
I don't know if you guys saw that
But that was a real
You know
A real male fiasco
That was a real male fiasco
Man
And I saw two twins
I grew up around two twins
That hated each other
And man
They would fight
I mean
They wanted to be the only one
You talk about
A last man standing match
You talk about
A king of the ring
A royal rumble
That lasted
I mean
These dudes
I saw these boys
For seven years
And all they did was fight
Beat the
I mean
Try to kill each other
It was like that
You ever seen that
That old game show
Called Spy vs Spy
It was a
Like a computer game
Video game
That's what it is
It was a video game
And
You had two
You know
Like little
I think they were
Muskrats or something
And they were dressed up
In top hats
And they did not
Enjoy each other's company
And they would try
To kill each other
And that was the whole
Video game
And these
And these twins
Were like that
And that reminded me
A little bit of
You know
Just watching these men
Out there in this cage
Fighting
Then we're going to
Get into a little bit
About
We're going to
Talk about
A little bit of news
We got a couple
Of news topics in
You know
A little bit of life
We're talking about
Marriage
Relationships
I went to the
San Bernardino Fair
Or no
San Fernando Valley Fair
This weekend
So
You know what I'm saying
Vallalos
I tapped into my
Nicaraguan roots
Tapped into my
Latino side
I was out there
Bro
You know
I mean
Saw some donkeys
I saw the world's
Smallest horse
I saw the world's
Smallest horse
Have you seen him
I have
His name's Tom Thumb
And it's two dollars
To see him
And I saw that
World's smallest horse
And some people say
And you think
You're like
Oh a pony
No
Not a pony
You
You
Idiot
I'm talking about
The world's smallest horse
Tom Thumb
And I made that investment
Two dollars
And I saw him
And so that's what
Happened
With my past weekend
We're about to get in
To yours
But one more time
Let's hit that funky beat
From
This came in from
Brad Levine
Thank you
It's today baby
It's the only today
They ever make
It's the only today
They make
Is this one
They not making
This one again
Sometimes people say
Well I don't ever have
Anything that special
You know
I don't ever have
Any rare goods
Well you got
That you have today
That's the rarest
Good they make
That's the
This is the only thing
That is
It's as original
As can be
It's really the only
Original thing
Going on
Is today
That's it
That's the only
Original thing
Going on
That's Brad Levine
Right there
Who sent in that music
A while back
And I love that beat
And that thing
You know
It got me
I got my nuts
Kind of tightened up
And feeling wild
And it's got
You know
It got my body
Feeling good
Got my back
Back waxed last week
By this beautiful
Little Polish girl
And man
She every
You know
Some of those hairs
She pulls them
And you're like
Damn boy
Some of those things
I think they were
Hooked into my spine
You know
Just cure scoliosis
They just rip that thing up
And suddenly you
You know
Your scurvy is healed up
And I
You know
And where I'm from
I grew up where
You remember when they used
To have the thing at school
Where you would do
The scurvy test
And they'd come over
And they'd get you all
In the line
And they'd stand you
One after the other
And then they would bend
You'd have to bend over
And then somebody
Would rub their hand
And when I really
Think about this
It's really
I mean for a little bit
It's erotic
But it's also very
They wouldn't allow this
These days
Because everybody's
A real piece of shit
But they would
Somebody whoever
The instructor
Or somebody who knew
About scurvy
Or scoliosis
Would take their hand
And just rub it up
Your spine
And I remember
As I got older
As I hit about
Sixth grade
Dude I think I might
Even
You know
Sprayed out once
When they were
Just testing me
For scoliosis
Because I was
You know
I had that
There wasn't much
Room between that
Skeet
Inside of me
And whatever was
Going on in the
Outside world
You know
I remember one time
Somebody scared me
Really bad
And I just came
You know
Came on myself
Because I've always
Had wild nerves
And heavy
Heavy nerves
Thick with nerves
You know
I think if you
Look inside of me
A lot of people
Have a lot of
Veins in them
And you know
In different
You know
Bones
Bone structure
Skeleton
And I know
We're all
Operating on the
Same
You know
The same
Running
Operating system
Or skeleton
You know
I know we all
Have the same
Basic template
Inside of us
But you know
I think
Everybody's a little
Different in there
You know
And I think
You know
I've always had
You know
I've always had
Small lungs
And that's what
The doctor told me
You know
I had small
Rib cage
I had the ribs
That kind of
The torso
The inner torso
The skeletal torso
Of a large cat
And I remember
Our family
Met
Doctor telling me
That when I was young
You know
And I've always
But I've always
You know
I remember getting
Scared once
And just
You know
My penis and balls
Just kind of
You know
Just ejaculated
Into my
Into my pants
And that was just
You know
That's just me
Growing up
And part of that
Is growing pains
And just
Being young
And feeling the
Vibrant energy
Of being youthful
But you know
I was always
Right there
It was always
Just one quick touch
Was going to get me
To pop off
You know
Some people
It's that
You know
When it comes to
You know
Sex
There's a lot of
Different
You know
You know
Special tactics
And
Common
You know
Common sutra
You know
You know
A lot of
You know
Foreplay
Or vibrant
Fucking
Or fucking
Outdoors
Or whatever
Gets you
You know
Whatever gets
Your marbles
To spin
But for me
It was just
I needed a
Surprise moment
And that's
What would
Really get me
You know
Like if I
Was fucking
A girl
And she
Told me
A ghost
Story
I'd come
In a heartbeat
And that's
Just how
I am
You know
That's how
I
That's
Everybody's
Body reacts
Differently
To the
Environment
But yeah
I remember
That scoliosis
Test
Man
It was
You know
That thing
Was
It would
Turn you
On a little
Bit
Because first
Of all
They have
A couple
Ladies come
From the
Doctor
You know
Or whatever
The doctor
Local hospital
Or whatever
And you
Didn't know
These ladies
You know
These are
Some fresh
Ladies
And yeah
You're just
A kid
But you're
At that age
That you
Know
You know
Like with
With hitting
Purbity
It's like
When you
Hit Purbity
Man
You
It's like
One day
You're at
School
You're playing
Soccer
You know
You're playing
Soccer
And you're
Wearing
You know
Two tank
Tops
And uh
I mean
I remember
For a little
Bit when I
Was young
You know
My mom
Got the
Used to
Sell hats
She got
And you
Know
My mother
Was a
Newspaper
Delivery
Woman
And delivered
All types
Of stuff
When I
Was growing
Up
She delivered
Cookies
You know
She delivered
You know
Sales
She was
You know
Just delivering
You know
Small things
Gas stations
All of that
They used to
Have these
News on wheels
Magazines
And you
Look through
The magazine
And I got
All the local
Trucks
And cars
And you
Know
A lot of
Piece of shit
Vehicles
You could get
Anywhere
From eight
You know
About
Eight hundred
Dollars
To maybe
About
You know
Twenty thousand
Dollars
They had
Everything in
Their boats
Fucking televisions
Televisions that
Could float
They had
Everything in
The magazine
And on
The front
Of the magazine
They have
A hot chick
Laying out
You know
A piece
Of tits
Out there
And my
Mother
Would take
The magazines
And deliver
Them out
And you know
Put them
At all the
Gas stations
And the
Time savers
Down in
Louisiana
They used
To have
A place
Now
It's called
Easy serve
But before
That it used
To be a
Place called
Time saver
And in
Your neighborhood
It might be
A quickie
Mart
Or a
Or a
BP
Or a
Conoco
It was just
A fat
One of the
Gas stations
That had
They didn't
Just have
Gas
You know
They were
Running for
Some extras
In there
If you went
Inside
You could get
Some extras
You know
You could get
Some band-aids
If somebody
Was bleeding
So you could
Get gas
And heal
Your friend
Up
You know
You could
Get some
Ointment
Some
You know
Special salve
For your skin
You could
Get a
Frosty
You know
You could
Get one
Of those
Snow cone
Kind of
Icies
They used
To call
Them
Icy
Get an
Icy
And other
People called
Them
I don't know
What they
Called them
In different
Cities
Or towns
But we
Called them
Us
They called
Them
Icies
And they
Had different
Flavors
You know
Coke
Coca-Cola
They had
Blue
Whatever the
Fuck that
One was
Dude
That one
Just made
Everybody want
To beat
The fuck
Out of
You
Bro
Because if
You had
That blue
Mouth
Dude
If you
Showed up
With that
Blue
Like the
Toughest
Dude
Sometime
Would eat
A icy
Or eat
A freezy
Or whatever
And he
Have all
Blue
Around his
Mouth
And you
Be like
Look at
This little
Bitch
Right here
Ah
Fuck
This
It could
Be the
Toughest
Dude
To just
Put him
In a
Different
Mindset
For you
All of
A sudden
You're
Like
I'll
Beat
This
I'll
Beat
This
Fucking
Smurf
Ass
And I'll
Beat him
Right now
And that
Was something
That
But anyhow
That was the
Gas station
You know
And the
Gas station
Had a
Little bit
You know
These
Was gas
Stations
That had
A little
Bit
Extra
At them
And these
Were called
Time savers
Man I can't
Even remember
What we're
Talking about
Jesus
Okay we
Came in
We're talking
About
Shit
Man
Dude
You ever
Been lost
Before
Have you ever
Been lost
You know
I'm saying
You're like
Lost
Like you're
In a
Building
You're like
Did I
Come in
This way
Or that
Way
That's
How it
Is man
In my
Head
Man
When I
Start talking
I just
I'm like
Fuck
I should have
Taken breadcrumbs
You know
Through this
Conversation
Because I
Don't know
Where I'm
At
Oh
I know
What we're
Talking about
We're talking
About
Puberty
Hitting
Puberty
Man
Because once
You hit
That puberty
Man
Everything
Was different
You know
You had
One day
Where you
Go to
School
And you're
You know
Oh
My mother
Oh
Now I
Know
Because my
Mother
She also
Sold these
Hats
And they
Had you
Know this
Kind of
I guess
It was a
I don't
Know if
It was
After
Something
You know
Maybe
It might
Have been
Cinco
De
Mayo
Or
Something
But the