Name: Moments | This Past Thursday #79
Uploaded: 2018-03-08T14:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Moments | This Past Thursday #79' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Moments | This Past Thursday #79' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-08. Transcript available.

Moments | This Past Thursday #79

Gang.
I shelve them days as what must be.
Still I try to steal my mornings from these agents of misery.
That's it right there.
I know that's a sharp cutoff there.
I've got to find a way to tune this music so it cuts off a little bit
differently.
But that's Coley Garrett.
Or Gerat.
And that's Coley Garrett with a song called Ode to Daisy.
And I want to thank Coley for sending that in.
We get a lot of music sent in and some of it is wonderful and some of it is
sheer shit.
And that's one of those good ones right there from Coley Garrett.
And there will be the link to that on the YouTube.
We'll put the link on the iTunes and SoundCloud.
You can check it out.
But thanks Coley.
What's up?
It is when it's Thursday.
It's Wednesday night.
I'm taping this sucker for Thursday.
This thing going to come out March 8th.
And that's it.
And this is this past Thursday.
Thank you guys for being with me.
Thank you for turning me on.
It's, you know, I'm hitting that moment.
I'm in the new studio and I'm hitting that moment where, you know, there's that
general excitement when something happens.
And then you got that secondary moment.
Where it already happened and you're like, ah, now what?
You know, it's kind of like if you're making love to a woman or something and
you, and you throw out that bust, you know, and you let your nuts burst out and
you make yourself out into the, you know, you make more of yourself out of your
wiener.
And if you do that into a woman's body, which is natural.
If people are grossed out right now, then you need to get your, you got to,
that's something with you.
You know, cause you can't be getting, if people talk about, you know, ejaculation
or ejac or whatever, you can't be getting grossed out because that's how we got
here.
You know, people don't want to, everybody, we all act like we got here in some
special, you know, like somebody brought us over in like a porcelain bowl and
just handed us to our mother.
Or there were a couple of angels came down on a ladder and, you know, dropped
us off into our grandparents' arms or into our father's arms.
Nobody wants to, nobody wants to look at the facts that we shot out of a wiener.
You shot out, you shot out of a wiener.
Okay.
You know, you might have new shoes today or you might, you know, have just got
your hair done or whatever, but the facts are facts.
And you shot out of a wiener.
And, you know, sometimes we don't want to, we don't want to realize that.
You know, sometimes we put ourselves in such a special, you know, special, we're
so this or we're so that, you know, or I got new lip gloss or, you know, I got
a fresh shirt on, you know, or I'm, you know, I've just learned how to do, you
know, speak French or whatever.
Well, guess what?
Oh, well.
Because the truth is that we all, we all shot out of a wiener.
And, and I'm having that moment now, it's like, say if you did, you know, going
back to what I was saying, if you did, you know, if you were to, you know, ejaculate
into a woman or a man, if that's something you're trying to do, if you're
trying to get a man pregnant.
And from what I've heard from my gay buddies, you can try forever.
Okay.
Probably not going to happen.
The odds that a small baby nine months later is going to crawl out of that man's
buttocks.
Slim to none.
But I'm having that moment now where it's after that, after the, after the, you
know, that moment of, you know, bursting where I'm realizing that, oh, now here
I am.
And it's a great moment here in the studio.
It's just like, you know, more stuff.
It's just realizing, okay, you know, today I put up a new sign, you know, for
this past weekend and what to keep up of the fighter and the kid guys because
this was their studio.
So it's, you know, I'm just having that moment after, you know, that moment
after I'm having that moment.
You don't hear about that moment a lot in time.
You know, it's always, you know, you hear about the three wise men that went
out to the barn and they met the baby in the desert.
But you don't hear about the days after that, when they were just hiking out of
the desert, whatever, and one of the animals probably died.
A couple of mules died.
And, you know, and they're starving and they're having to cook up mule and
eating grilled mule in the sand.
And it's probably miserable trying to eat, you know, something and have sand at
blowing.
Imagine getting sand in your food.
So, you know, you never hear about that moment after.
You know, you just hear about that first moment, that initial.
And that's what I was having the last episode.
I was at fire.
I had that freaking, you know, I had that, I had that, you know, I had that,
that scavenger hunt going on inside of my blood.
Where there were little particles of excitement running through my blood, just
looking for the next hit, the next clue.
And now I'm getting more into the setting of reality.
Where it's like, okay, this is that, this is the next moment.
Where I'm realizing, okay, now I'm in this new studio.
Now what?
What's next?
What are we looking at?
And, and it's exciting, but it's, you know, it's just a little bit more of a
level field.
You're coming down off that high.
But I'm happy to be here with you guys today.
Thank you for turning me on.
It is Wednesday, March 8th.
And you have that moment.
If you've already bursted into a lady or, you know, you've bursted into a man.
And then you have that, you know, that moment of just elation.
And then after that, you have that moment where you're just, you know, you're
there.
And either the person's pregnant or they are, just want you to leave or you
want to leave or nobody wants anybody to leave and you're in love.
But I'm having that second moment.
And that's what I'm experiencing now, that second moment.
And that's a unique one, man.
That's a unique time.
And that's what's going on here.
You know what I was thinking is it's springtime.
It's spring cleaning is coming.
You know, it is, it's time for a change.
You know, it's time for a change.
And I was thinking and I was getting a coffee a little bit ago and they got
like a lobby here.
They got like a fancy, you know, kind of like a little bit more fancy lobby.
And they got other people walking around.
And I'm like, holy shit, I'm, I'm going to be meeting other people with this
new studio.
That's one of the gifts of it.
I'm going to run into other people in the hallway.
I met a guy down the hall.
He knows UFO people.
People who believe that, that there are other beings out there like me, you
know, and he said, look, I'd love to get you a guest.
That's a UFO person.
And I never really talked to UFO person.
You know, I'd love to, I'd love to tap, to delve into the dome of somebody who's
hopped up on extraterrestrials.
You know, or somebody who lays in bed at night and really their mind is that
expanded to wondering what it's like to be thinking that there's an alien,
maybe a jillion miles away, also thinking, wondering if we exist.
And, uh, and so it's cool.
I'm going to be running in, I'm going to be running into new people, you know,
and that's one of these secondary moments that I'm, that I'm absorbing.
You know, it's one of these other, you know, these other things that's coming
along.
You know, like, it's like somebody, it's like if somebody knocks you the fuck
out.
Yeah.
You got that initial moment where you got knocked the fuck out, but then after
that, you have other moments.
You have that moment where like you realize if anybody gives a fuck that you
got knocked out.
Do people come over and try to help you?
Does nobody help you?
You know, do, do somebody pull up in a car, but just look down at you and then
drive off.
You know, you have those other moments you wait, you get, but you, you come to,
you realize, do I have blood on my shirt?
You know, do I have, you know, ejaculate in my pants?
Dude, I had, they had this guy in my town, right?
Every time he'd get knocked out, he'd come all over himself.
And so people were always knocking him out.
This boy, Nick, and people were always knocking him out.
And I felt so bad because here's the thing, Nick, you told everybody.
If something like that, if you have that magical power, where when somebody
knocks you out or you go unconscious that you ejaculate, you don't tell
everyone.
Okay, you keep that to yourself.
But it's spring cleaning, it is Thursday, March 8th, probably when you're
listening to this.
And I'm feeling fortunate to be here with you guys.
I'm feeling fortunate to be here with you guys in the new studio.
I just had Chin, came over from the Fighter and the Kid, you know.
I'm tired, I got their producer stopping in.
And he's giving me all of that.
And I don't know if you know Chin, he is a, he's an Asian country musician.
And he go by, uh, Gart Brook is his country name.
And if you want to check him out, get out there and check him out.
And he's an extremely talented man.
And you know, and one thing that's fun to watch is if you have an Asian friend
and they're playing the guitar, playing the piano, watching their hands move.
It's like watching a real, it's like watching a very small octopus, uh, you
know, um, in a, in like in a, uh, do the hurdles.
If you ever watched like a, like an Asian guy play the piano, their, their
fingers are so small.
It's almost, they kind of, yeah, they have to groan a little bit, even when
they move their finger up on a key, because it's so high.
A piano key is very high for an Asian finger.
Like for, for a regular, you know, Polish Nicaraguan, I got these, you know, I
got these violent dancers hanging off.
I got these phalanges that just straight up got violence in them.
You know, they got the, I got these acrobatic phalanges, acrobatic and hardworking.
Acrobatic, that's the Nicaraguan side and hardworking, that's the Polish side.
And, and, and, but if for an Asian guy, it's really, it's almost like his
fingers have to jump, you know, that much force to play the piano.
And so watching a guy like Garth Brook, you know, watching him play or any
Asian person with the very tiny hands.
I knew an Asian guy, one of his fingers, seven centimeters long.
And yeah, I mean, that's, that's, that's, it's almost astronomical.
So, you know, to watch them do that and the art and the ability it takes for
them to move around those little, you know, those, you know, those quick little
pause.
It's very, very beautiful to watch and should almost be an Olympic sport.
You know, watching, you know, watching Asian people do things should be an
Olympic sport, I think.
I mean, you know, just because they have such a, I don't know, they just have
such a, they're just such unique humans to me.
You know, and I, and look, I'm coming from a guy's perspective.
I grew up in a town.
We didn't have that.
We have black and white, you know, and we had one, one Mexican kid that showed
up in seventh grade.
And then outside of that, we had a couple of people that, you know, we had a
lot of people that were mixed and, you know, all kinds of, um, you know, just
human typos living around us.
And, you know, a lot of derelicts too, you know, first wig I ever was in my
town.
And a lot of people don't know that this boy, Brian St. Pierre.
And they put him into the mentally handicapped class because they hadn't ever,
uh, you know, they'd never seen something like that.
They'd never seen a white person that wanted to be black.
And so I remember in school, they put them in mentally handicapped classes.
And so you'd have like the third lunch because a lot of the special kids, you
know, God's favorites, they ate lunch in the third lunch period.
And so you would have these, you know, you'd have kids coming in that were
afflicted and affected.
And, and then you'd have, you know, you know, people with walkers and people
wearing, you know, the people with that, that kid with the bubble wrap or
whatever around his neck.
He had that, um, they bought him a small, you know, one of those inner tube
floaty tubes you would play in if you were like a