Name: Birthday Sensations | This Past Weekend #81
Uploaded: 2018-03-19T13:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Birthday Sensations | This Past Weekend #81' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Birthday Sensations | This Past Weekend #81' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-19. Transcript available.

Birthday Sensations | This Past Weekend #81

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and see what safe
consumerism of your favorite celebrity content looks like. Man, today's my
birthday, man. So I'm excited
to be here and I'm excited to spend it with you guys. And I got this beautiful
hit that came in
from my boy, Tiny Sand Who. Let's go.
Thank you.
That's Tiny out there licking.
Man, he licking, he licking them strings.
He's a dirty man.
That's a Boneyard cover by Mr. Tiny Sandhu.
Some people, if you are new to this past weekend, you don't know that Tiny Sandhu
is just a figure.
He hit me up on the email, and he's sending these wild riffs.
That's one of his dirty pieces right there.
That's Tiny Sandhu busting something naughty for everybody that's a decent
person.
You know what, man?
That's not enough for me, man.
Today's my birthday.
I want this, man.
I want to catch this hit, too.
Let's go.
There you go.
Huh?
Send in them choppers, boy.
Because we got people in the water.
Hug your hamster tight.
Hug your cousin, boy.
If they cute, fucking touch they ass a little.
This is America.
What's up, you little Christmas tampons?
How you guys living, huh?
You been drinking your own bath water?
Huh?
You been saving food in your teeth overnight and eating it in the morning?
You ever do that?
Have that little rise and shine snack hiding behind one of your molars?
You bust that little hoe out?
Throw it down your gullet?
Oh, that's savage.
That's a savage way to start your day.
I'm happy to be here today with you guys.
I'm grateful to be here today with you guys.
Today is my birthday.
You know, and I am 38 years old.
I'm 38.
I'm coming in 38 hot years.
You know, I want to thank my mother.
I want to thank, you know, my father, a 70-year-old man.
Think about that.
A 70-year-old man busted a strong one, boy.
You know, my father was born in 1910.
My grandfather was born in 1880.
So, you know, I'm coming out of those wagon wheel genetics.
You know, I'm coming back from the, you know, the days when children used to
play with wooden dolls.
You know, and if they put a, and sometimes if they, if a tooth fell out of
their mouth and they put it under their pillow, somebody else in the family
would steal it and try to install it into their mouth.
You know, I'll come from them type of times.
And, you know, that's just some of what's in my DNA, some history.
And I am just grateful, man.
I'm grateful that that bust happened.
You know, because I'm a product of a nut.
That's all we are.
I mean, we're a product of a sensation.
Isn't that interesting to think?
Sometimes, you know, sometimes I forget that.
Sometimes I forget that.
I'm the, that I am, a sensation happened.
Just a, and that's how, and then I began.
And we all began off of a sensation.
You know, and that's one of the things that I'm learning more and more that
keeps me alive is, is, is finding feelings that are good.
Because a lot of my life I spent just swimming in these circles of dirty water,
you know, of ill feelings and just, you know, it's like when you, it's like
when you just, speaking of bath water, it's like when you stay in your own bath
water too long.
You know, sometime if you lay in the tub and you soak, it feels good.
But after about 45 minutes, dude, you don't even realize you might have, you
know, busted a quart of urine in there.
Who knows?
Your hair is, it's just all just oil on the top and you still sitting in there.
And that's where I spent a lot of my life, just wasting my time, you know.
But now I'm looking to live on the same level of where I was created, searching
for sensation.
I want to feel something.
You know, I want to feel something.
And a long time in my life, I did not want to do that.
But today, man, I'm here to feel.
I'm going to take another little stab at this.
It's that Boneyard by Tiny.
And I'm going to switch it on you.
This one just gets me today.
That's that hitter.
I don't even know who made that for me.
I can't remember.
I'll have to go back and check.
And I'm sorry to not cite them.
I think it could have been Brad Levine.
It could have been Jesse Lucero.
I'm not sure.
But it's a sweet beat and I appreciate it.
And I consider that a gift for my birthday.
And thank you very much.
Happy birthday to you if it's your birthday out there, you know, or happy day
to you, whatever it is.
Today is the day that we have.
You know, today is the day that we have.
We're going to make the most out of it.
You know, all these Irish, I'm sure a lot of Irish people are recovering.
You guys had that St. Patrick's Day.
And I spent, I just got back from Tacoma and Spokane up there in Washington in
that Pacific Northwest.
And, you know, I really liked those areas, especially, I mean, Tacoma I've been
to before.
People came out.
We sold out the shows, man.
You know, this is like the first time, you know, in my career that I feel like
I've had, you know,
and I don't want to say fans, but I feel like I've just had, you know, a lot of
love coming out.
You know, and no bullshit in the audience.
No people, you know, ruining the show or being too selfish or, you know, we're
just there and we're having a good time.
And, man, I just felt so accepted.
And I want to thank everybody over there in Tacoma.
You know, Tacoma, it's out there on the, it's that, you know, it's that sixth
finger of Seattle.
And it, you know, it just, Seattle tries to hide it off in the suburbs like it's
not a real place, but Tacoma's out there.
You know, Tacoma, you can go over there.
And they got the, they call it the Tacoma aroma in the air.
Because somebody, they said in the distance, they're having like a, they're
built, you know, making stacks of paper.
They got a paper mill or people are burning shit or whatever.
I don't know.
But they got that scent in the air.
But I like that.
Come over here to Tacoma, get a hit.
Get a whiff off of that, off of that universe.
People over there in Seattle, y'all petting salmon and doing all of this shit.
You know, and hiding, you know, hiding granola and putting, you know, you know,
whale tears, suppositories into baby's asses and doing all this futuristic, you
know, lifestyle stuff.
You know, wrapping your cousin in kale and hiding them in a fucking sand pit or
something for a couple hours so that their skin will look nice.
You go to Tacoma, boy, anything is, anything will happen.
I was leaving the comedy club.
There was some drunk lady.
She ran into a truck, right, walking.
Then she fucking started fist fighting.
She started fist fighting a dang Dodge Ram.
So that's what's going on, real shit over there in Tacoma.
And I got out there to Spokane and Spokane, it's almost like, it's like the
Midwest in the Northwest.
If you've been to Peoria, Illinois or somewhere like that, you know, you know,
or a place where you just feel a little bit of Americana, it's right there in
Spokane.
And I had a great time and I want to thank those people for coming out.
Thank you so much.
And it was St. Paddy's Day over there in Spokane.
I'm going to say this.
You know, St. Paddy's Day, if you want to, it's like the one day a year as a
man, if you aren't gay, that you could be gay.
I never seen so many dudes, and I think I talked about this last St. Patrick's
Day, kissing each other just because they got a green shirt on.
It's like, oh, hey, you know, like men just drink all that day drink and make
you kiss another man.
And everybody's saying no, but everybody's thinking, well, maybe.
And especially St. Patrick's Day, everybody got a shirt, kiss me, I'm Irish.
And I saw at least 20 men, you know, 10 pairs of two men, you know, 40 lips,
just hit each other head on, just that head on collision of lips.
And they were just all in the name of Ireland, I guess, and alcoholism.
People wearing kilts, men wearing skirts, showing up wearing beads and skirts,
kissing other men because everybody's Irish all of a sudden.
You know, so that's the gateway.
I mean, that's, if you want to be gay, you know, how Irish do you want to get?
You want to duck off over here behind this Subaru and fucking touch each other's
warm kneecaps?
How Irish you want to get?
Because I saw some adult men with families getting real Irish.
You know, I'm talking about behind the shonies kind of Irish.
Because when I was young, they would have a lot of straight men would meet up
behind the shonies and, you know, jerk each other off and do stuff like that.
And then go back to their families.
Because when I was young, you couldn't just, you know, it wasn't as, people who
were gay couldn't openly be gay.
And, you know, I think about that struggle sometimes or what the, could you
imagine being something and not being able to be it?
That's, I mean, it's just, I couldn't imagine what that, you know, that pain of
that.
But then there was probably for a lot of gay men, there was that one day.
Oh, here it comes.
Put it on the calendar.
March 17th.
When all I got to do is put on a green shirt and I can gay the fuck out.
Without any judgment.
And then look, man, I saw it in Tacoma.
You think they are in Spokane.
You think these men out there, they hard heads and they living like this and
that.
They got three and four children.
But they see, they, suddenly they see another man who's looking hella Irish.
And all of a sudden, I saw these two men just kiss face to face.
And they could have been family.
That's another thing.
You got a hot cousin.
You think your stepdaddy's cute?
It's March 17th.
Fucking slide him a note.
Check yes or no, Papa.
You know, this, that's the day.
It should just be the day where you, anything goes.
That's what they should start calling it.
You know, let's get Irish.
You know what I'm saying?
If you're a lady and you want to, you know, you want to touch somebody up in
the vulva, do your thing.
Do that digit dance, you know?
Get your carpels out.
Get your carpels out and go through that brief filing cabinet.
Do a little bit of a jiling.
You know what I'm saying, boy?
They only got two folders in that cabinet, boo-boo.
But people are getting hella Irish, man.
And, you know, and it's a joyous day.
And that's one thing, you know, I don't drink right now in my life.
And that's one thing I miss is I do miss some day drinking.
Because anything could happen when you're day drinking.
Somebody jerk you off in a truck.
You jerk yourself off somewhere.
It's daytime.
You know, it's like the wolves are out.
It's like full, it's almost like a full moon.
But all day long.
And that's what always St. Paddy's was for me.
That's what St. Paddy's was for me, man.
It wa