Name: London Returns | This Past Thursday #82
Uploaded: 2018-03-22T13:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'London Returns | This Past Thursday #82' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'London Returns | This Past Thursday #82' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-22. Transcript available.

London Returns | This Past Thursday #82

I think we can do this.
I shelve them days as what must be.
Still I try to steal my mornings from these agents of misery.
Amen.
That's it.
That's it right there.
That's it.
I try to steal my mornings from these agents of misery.
That's what he said right there.
And that's Coley Garrett or Gerat.
Coley Gerat.
And that song is called Ode to Daisy.
And I'll have the link to that SoundCloud in the song in the information below
the podcast.
Hello.
Thank you guys for being here.
Kind of a different, you know, it's Thursday.
So happy Thursday to you.
And yeah, I just slipped over into the studio.
You know, I got some chairs coming.
I was going to try to have a guest today and couldn't get it.
Couldn't get chairs in time to be lined up and ordered some chairs.
And they got two chairs coming.
And so, you know, it's nice when you had them chairs coming, you know, when you
got, because
if you have a chair, eventually you have a place to put somebody.
Because that's the thing.
If you're just standing around with somebody, that's at a certain point, that
shit will get
awkward.
But boy, you got that chair.
You say, hey, let me, uh, let me introduce your ass to a little bit of peace
right here.
And then you sit their ass down into a chair.
And that's crazy.
Can you think about that?
Somebody even invented a chair.
Think about that.
Like a long time ago, everybody was just standing around.
People just standing around like, now what?
And then finally, you know, some straight up, I'm going to be honest, hero came
along and
said, ta-da.
And everybody was, I mean, that must have been like, it must have been like,
like marijuana
almost at first.
Just putting your butt and your leg and your thighs onto a, just a place to
rest them.
Oh, can you imagine?
Can you imagine that you've been standing up for years?
You've been standing up for years.
Your family, your father's been standing up.
Your grandfather has great posture.
Everybody got posture because they've been standing like a motherfucker.
And then suddenly out of nowhere, some, some beautiful little carpenter, some
dirty little
wood martyr comes along and just chisels out a damn seat.
And you set that ass into a chair for the first time.
I mean, I bet semen just leaks out of your pores.
Can you imagine how good that feels?
Just that full body coom, you know?
Just cooming out of your hole, just out of your pores.
Or just imagine, imagine seeing, watching your grandfather sit down for the
first time.
Just the tears that would come out of his eyes after being alive, you know?
Because in those, in the old, old, old days, I'm talking, you know, back when
people probably
didn't, barely just had necklaces and stuff like that.
People barely had even a lot of ideas, just a lot of necklaces and just, you
know, a lot
of undercooked meat.
In those days, and so everybody's been standing and then somebody comes along
and makes a chair.
Can you even fathom that feeling?
That first seat?
Just take a sit, bro.
Just take a sit.
Huh?
And watching your grandfather who's been standing up his whole life, which at
that time was probably,
you know, senior citizens were 40 years old back then.
You know, if you weren't, like, by 45, you were going to die of the elements or
yellow
fever, you know, lightning.
Lightning killed way more people back then because we didn't have houses.
Think about that.
Like right now, yeah, there's lightning out there.
You don't even know it.
Back in the old days, if there was lightning, okay, if the lords were shooting
straight up
fireworks at your scalp, you knew it.
But imagine, you know, your grandfather, you know, 40-year-old grandfather.
Because, yeah, by 45, he was going to be dead of fever or wolves.
Wolves, I mean, in the old days, think about how many wolves probably got.
25% of the population, wolves.
But imagine him, just he's been alive for 39 years, you know, and he gets to
sit down for
that first time in a chair and just, and that's beautiful.
And that's beautiful.
I don't even know why I'm talking about that.
I forgot why we even got on to that tangent.
But thank you guys for being here with me today.
Oh, I just came in here and I just sat down and, you know, and it's Thursday
night.
And it's, I mean, it's Thursday and it's, you know, we want to give that hitter
to you.
You know, we want to give that hitter.
And speaking of hitters, we got Gray Block Pizza.
And you know Gray Block Pizza is out here in Los Angeles at 1811 Pico Boulevard
on the way
to the beach.
You're going to get some sunshine.
You know what goes good with UV rays?
Gang, gang, that hitter.
So fill your gullet with that Italian bullet, baby.
Shoot yourself in the throat with some Gray Block Pizza.
Oh, what's up, man?
You know, I still, like, I got the episode from last, from Monday's episode on
my mind,
honestly, and on my heart a little bit.
They had that, you know, the young fellow from London called up and I got a ton
of responses
about it.
You know, a lot of people could just feel that cat, you know, just feel that
little British
kitten.
They could feel him leaking a little.
They could feel his emotion.
You know, when you hit, when you, when you find some emotion, it's just, it's
amazing that
even through just airwaves through, I mean, he, first of all, he hit the hotline.
He come from Britain, United Kingdom over there where who knows what they're
doing.
You know, they're still fighting all kinds of diseases and everything.
Rats, the plague, all kinds of shit.
They have a queen.
These are people that still have a queen and he calls up here, you know, cause
he has struggles
and he has, you know, he's feeling discomfort, you know, and he's feeling
uneasy inside of
himself and he hits that hotline.
And that call comes across the, the, the universe.
That call comes across the universe.
Like somebody just took a handful of, of, of words and feelings and bunched
them into a
ball and threw them as hard as they could across the Atlantic.
And then they landed right here in the studio and then we blasted them back out.
We blasted, we're turning that double play.
You feel me?
We blasted that thing back out and we got a lot of responses.
And so we're going to, you know, yeah, just had a lot of responses.
I'll get to some of those, you know, those calls that came in for that young
man.
And, and this is a follow-up episode.
So I'm gonna get right into the follow-up, you know?
I mean, why, you know, what, what, what am I going to move it around for?
What am I going to do it later?
You're always, I'm like, I'm going to do this later.
I'm going to do this.
I'm going to do this shit right now.
You know, we got some things to talk about on here today.
I mean, I got a brain full of all types of things.
You know, I can't stop thinking about, you know, I've been seeing a therapist
and I don't
know if I want to go anymore.
You know, and, and, and it's risky because it's like, you know, I know that I'm
not well, but
I also know that I, you know, I have a couple of weeks in there where it's like,
I just don't
know if I have a lot to talk about.
And then, and then suddenly I get the idea that, oh, I don't need this anymore.
So, you know, that's kind of something that's been pressing in my brain, you
know, because
you shelling out that loot every time, you know, I'm shelling out 150 US to go
see this
little brain baby.
To go see this, you know, uh, adult therapist and I respect her, you know, and
it's just,
uh, you know, you start, but, but that part of your brain, that's probably not
even the
well part that probably the unhealthy part of my brain start saying, man, you
don't need
this shit, man.
You don't need this shit.
You know, let's get back out there.
You know, let's sell cabbages, you know, let's get some blocane.
So it's tough, man.
It's a tough dribble.
It's a tough dribble.
What else?
I'll fill you in.
What else has been going on with me?
You know, I had, uh, I had, um, you know, I had a lady I've been spending time
with and,
you know, I've been realizing for me that it's hard to, uh, it's hard for me to,
you know,
I started having like some thoughts like, man, you know, this girl's really
special, you
know, and maybe I could see like some type of a future.
And it's just hard for me to even share that and say it like to verbalize it,
you know,
like I could feel it.
I can, you know, kind of know it.
I think some places in my body, but to actually say it, you know, just like
some of the first
time I've ever had some of that stuff where it's like, man, I, you know, I, I
really care.
You know, I care.
And I want, you know, I want to say like, you know, part of me wants to, you
know, say those
things and like, say, look, you know, I see us maybe, you know, what if we had
a little
bit of a fucking yard, you know, that's how I, you know, I drive it.
Like, what if we had a, you know, what if we, you know, use the same blender,
you know,
I get scared to share, you know, I think the facts that somewhere inside of me,
I'd love
to maybe even have a family and have a, you know, have a, you know, an animal,
a couple,
you know, you know, non-livestock, but, you know, a couple of G-pigs, maybe a
couple of,
you know, dogs and cats, outdoor animals probably.
Because I don't know if I'm competing in the house, man.
I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and see two dogs fucking out
in my hallway.
I'm not doing that, man.
I'm not running, you know, some kind of a pet brothel.
I want to, I want, you know, but, you know, but it's like never in my life have
I thought
I would want those things.
You know, I thought all of that shit, I thought, man, that's gay, you know, I
thought that that's
lame, you know, oh, you got a, oh, you got a family van?
That's, I hope y'all get shot up by some bangers.
You know, I used to think all of that, but I think a lot of that stuff was
probably,
you know, just came from the fact that I didn't, since I didn't have it growing
up, I didn't
have any respect for it.
You know, since I didn't have any, since I didn't have it growing up, I didn't
have any
respect for it.
Oh, your parents have a happy marriage, man, fuck them, you know?
Oh, you're, you know, you know, you got, y'all just moved into a new house, man,
fuck that,
y'all are sellouts.
You know, I always had all of that shit.
If I didn't have it, then fuck you, because you had it, or fuck it.
You know, and just, you know, and then to just be, you know, now where I'm like
thinking
about really, you know, sharing some of these things, just saying, you know,
and the most
I can even get myself to say was like, you know, what if, you know, what if we
owned a,
you know, a cat together, you know, or what kind of silverware do you like, you
know, just
things like that where I'm like, wow, you know, it's just hard to imagine that
it's hard
for me to really, you know what it is, even beyond it being hard really to, it's
hard to
realize that maybe part of me really wants that and to honor that part instead
of just
always honoring, uh, the part of me that just wants to say no to that, if that
makes any
sense, you know, to sit there and, and just tell a person you care about, you
know, like
gloves off, you know, to take the gloves off your heart and take those brass knuckles
off
your aortas and just say, look, you know, I care, you know, I care, you know, I
care about
you.
There's something inside of us that wants to get out and do that or inside of
me, I feel,
you know, and it's such a four, that beast inside of me is so foreign to me
that it's hard
for me to, when those desires come along, I almost reject them, you know, they,
it almost
feels like a foreign antibody, like it feels like a, something that shouldn't
be in my system.
So it's like, I got to fight through those uncomfortable moments and instead of
being hard, sometimes
I got to be, I got to soften up.
I got to get soft sometimes, get soft, you know, not in the cock, but in the
rest of my
body, you know, in my heart, my, you know, maybe in my