Name: Spring Romantic | This Past Weekend #83
Uploaded: 2018-03-26T13:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spring Romantic | This Past Weekend #83' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spring Romantic | This Past Weekend #83' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-26. Transcript available.

Spring Romantic | This Past Weekend #83

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I will be in Tampa, Florida, April 6th and 7th.
I just want to let you guys know that so you can come out and see me.
I also have other dates coming up in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey at Bananas
Comedy Club and at Cherokee Casino and some other places, but I'll put those on
the calendar coming shortly to you.
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There you go.
That's Jameson Flood right there.
And that gentleman named Jameson Flood.
And I'm not sure where he's from.
But that is his music right there.
That song called Every Night.
And thank you guys for being here today.
Welcome to this past weekend.
You know, I, uh, I, I, I, I almost cut the lights off in the studio tonight.
You know, cause it's, you know, I'm, I'm making this.
It's nighttime.
And this is going to be ready for you guys in a few hours.
But I almost cut the lights off.
But I almost cut the lights off, man.
Cause some of them are like feeling that romance, boy.
And the funny thing is, I noticed even if I cut the lights off, even if I'm by
myself, I can feel like a little bit of romance.
You know, I can feel like a little bit of romance kind of come just kind of
just, just tickling my tits a little, you know?
Like I just, like you, try this, man.
If you put on, put a shawl around your neck, you know, put like a soft cloth
around your neck.
Or even if you can't afford a soft cloth or a shawl or a, you know, a scarf.
Nothing heavy.
Don't get one of those heavy ass scarves.
You know, don't show up in a heavy ass.
You look like an idiot.
I'd go two soft scarves before I go one heavy scarf.
You know, one heavy scarf, that's some Amistad type shit.
You know, those days are over.
Okay?
Go, go two soft scarves and, and give us free.
But I love, uh, but if you, if you put on, and if you don't have a scarf, get
you some paper towels.
Get you, like, about nine paper towels or eight paper towels in a row.
Okay?
Take your shirt off.
You know, take your shirt off.
If you are a man or a woman, take your shirt off.
All right?
It doesn't matter.
You know, some people have chests.
Some people have tits.
You know?
Tits is just fat chest.
That's all that is.
You know?
And, and chest is just, uh, lean tits.
That's, so this, you know.
And some people have either one.
You know, my mother had them A-cups, them baby A's.
And so I didn't see a lot of tit around the house.
Even if, you know, even if sometimes, you know, sometimes when you're growing
up, if you're a child and your mother have nice breasts, you get that free,
that free visual.
You know?
You get that, oh, okay.
You know?
Even though it's your mother, you know, you're not being like that.
But you still get that hit.
But my mother had them A-cups, you know?
So it was more, you know, it wasn't as, uh, I didn't get those voluptuous
visuals around the house.
But what I'm saying is this, you know, is that romance can be achieved even by
oneself.
Everybody thinking, oh, I gotta have somebody to be romantic.
You know, I gotta meet somebody on the internet and, you know, and meet up with
them somewhere.
You know, in a parking lot or something.
To be romantic.
Well, that's bullshit.
Those are the old days.
You know, nowadays, here's something you can do around your house even.
If you're alone, cut the lights down.
Put a few candles around your house.
Don't put a bunch of candles.
Okay?
Especially if you don't use candles a lot.
Because you're somebody that's gonna probably burn to death.
So just use a couple of candles, you know, put them around.
And then get you them, um, put on a long, a soft scarf.
Or even two really soft scarves.
Or get you a long string of paper towels.
Put that around your neck.
And now just kind of glide around your house a little bit.
Make sure the children are asleep or whatever, you know.
Put a couple candles and just kind of like, you know, lean against a wall
somewhere and be like,
Oh, fancy seeing you here.
You know, or open the refrigerator and just take a head off that coolness.
Feel that, you know, feel that cold air just fucking tickle your titty ends.
You know, you can make romance wherever you want.
Just be like, oh, what was that?
In the distance.
Even if it was nothing.
Even if it was just the puppy over there touching his little dick or something
with his paw or scratching himself.
You know what I'm saying?
You can make romance wherever.
Everybody acts like we got to do this or got to do that to make romance.
But you can make your own romance.
And that's something that I'm starting to realize in my life.
That just because maybe if I don't have love in my life at some point, it doesn't
mean that I can't create romance in my life.
You could do something nice for yourself.
Get you a couple of them, you know, Valentine's is over.
They got a good deal on chocolates out there.
Go get out there and get a 40 pack of chocolates, man.
And you can get those.
Have you two or three.
Give some to a neighbor.
Now suddenly you eating chocolates with someone.
You know, you can make your own romance.
And I'm not saying that I'm not trying to get people to be alone.
I don't want people to be alone.
You know, we got this world right now that's just pushing us to be alone.
They just advertise and everything, you know, do you, do you, do you.
Well, everybody doing themselves in this.
And then you got no friends.
You got no friend.
You don't have anybody to borrow a shirt from or anybody to borrow some sugar
from.
But if you happen to be by yourself, that doesn't mean that you can't have a
little bit of romance in your life.
You know, I do different things.
Sometimes I'll put my pants in the dryer and then put them on my legs.
What is that?
Ooh.
Daddy got them hot sticks hanging off his hips now.
You can treat yourself to different things.
You can do different things for yourself to get that romance.
And this is the time of year to do it.
You know, because spring is in the air.
They got that love.
They got that nest.
You know, if you get outside early or something, you'll hear birds in the
distance.
You know, tuck fucking or even just, you know, petting each other heavily.
You know, you'll hear baby birds out there waiting for that worm.
You know, you can see even some hookers are out there.
Even hookers are happy in the spring.
You ever notice that?
Oh, you get a wintertime hooker.
You know what I'm saying?
You get that December escort.
That lady ain't fired up.
She ain't excited about the potential blowjob money that could be headed her
way.
But you get out here, you know, you know, you get out here at these times and
ladies are fired up.
You know, if they're working out in the streets, even ladies are fired up
because it's springtime and love is in the air.
But I'm trying to create some romance for myself, you know, I'm trying to
create some romance.
Because we have to do it.
You know, you go through times in your life where, you know, I feel you go
through times in your life where you don't have that love.
Where you get into bed at night and you just kick your legs out across the
other side of the bed and there's nobody there.
You know, it's just you just swimming out there like that Nirvana baby in that
album cover.
You're just swimming out there.
You know, when you want somebody, you want to have that other, you know, you
want to have a little bit of love in your life.
But that doesn't mean you can't be romantic.
You know, you can still do romance a little bit.
And that's one thing I would do from time to time is I would, you know, wear
something kind of sexy.
Even for a man.
You know, everybody acts like only women can have sexy clothing or do something
sexy.
But a man can wear sexy stuff.
You know, you could wear some really large pants or something.
You know, you could, you know, I remember sometimes I would take, you know, my
grandmother, whenever she died, they gave us some of her stuff.
And she didn't have much.
You know, she had a strong, strong ceramic reptile collection.
And then she had, what else did she have?
She had a lot of, she had saved a lot of baked goods from over the years.
But in the box still, you know, she had like German chocolate cake from like
1974.
You know, the recipe box.
So, we had a couple of, you know, exotic old cakes and stuff.
You know, unmade cakes in the packaging.
But she had these kind of naughty shirts, I thought.
Blouses.
They call them blouses.
And to me, they look like just fucking naughty curtains just hanging off an old
lady's neck, you know.
And so, when my grandma passed, I remember I was young.
I was just coming into, you know, pervity and everything.
And I was just rocking into, you know, pervity.
That's when your dick will wake you up.
You don't even need an alarm clock.
Your dick will wake you up.
Because it wants to hound around and look for some cooch, you know, or fire off
at some cat.
And I noticed that, I noticed that, you know, I got that, I got a, you know,
I got about a quarter box of them blouses.
Because we had four, my grandmother had four grandchildren.
So, everybody got, you know, a quarter of the items in this box.
Because some senior center she was at sent us a box of her, you know, goods,
you know,
death goods or whatever, because she passed.
And so, I got a quarter box of these blouses.
A lot of baby blue and, I mean, mint green, but barely any green in it.
Like, you had to look deep into that blouse to even just, just catch that hint
of green.
It wasn't really a mint.
I thought it was kind of like a, kind of like a summer lime.
But I remember I'd put those blouses on, dude.
And, you know, and honestly touch myself.
And I know that's crazy, but at the time in my life, you know, when I was
coming into my own, really,
that, I felt exotic.
You know, it made me feel, it was sexual.
You know, it was sexual.
And I remember I'd catch some real strong ends.
And that means nuts, honestly, in the springtime.
Because your body's vibrant, you know, and that's where we are right now.
Your body is, people's bodies are vibrant.
You know, y