Name: Woman Preferences l This Past Weekend Highlight
Uploaded: 2018-03-28T00:45:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Woman Preferences l This Past Weekend Highlight' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Woman Preferences l This Past Weekend Highlight' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-28. Transcript available.

Hey, Theo. It's Andrea again from AZ.
This is Andrea from Arizona, and you know, unfortunately, I don't know if I
remember the first time you called, Andrea, but thank you for calling back more.
From Arizona. But I also have another question, like...
Well, you have to, you got to ask a first question before you ask a second one.
You know, I don't know how much gasoline you're going to get. Let's go. More?
What type of girl do you like, you know? Do you like...
I imagine you like them all shapes and colors, but what type of personality do
you like in a girl, you know?
Do you like her to be funny like you or docile and quiet?
I appreciate you again, and bye.
Thank you for calling, Andrea. I appreciate you as well.
Do I like them docile?
I mean, I don't like them under the influence of, you know, quaaludes or
anything like that.
You know, I don't want a girl that you have to, you know, when you get home,
you got to take her out of the trunk and bring her in the house.
So, I like a girl, you know, I don't mind a pigtail.
I don't mind two pigtails.
You know, I remember this one girl only had one pigtail in my neighborhood
because they only had one barrette at her house.
And they got...
Her and her sister got a set of barrettes for Christmas, but the set only come
with two barrettes.
And so, they each got to use one.
So, they running around each looking like, you know, half a Wendy's logo
because each one of them had that just one, you know, that one stray, that one
braid riding out.
You know, like a, just like a, like a diving board that was, you know, taking
the afternoon off.
Just kind of hanging off that side, you know, ganging out.
So, I don't mind a little bit of braids.
I like a hard-working woman.
You know, I don't want any of these.
I don't need, I need a teammate.
I need a partner in crime.
You know, I like a woman that knows that life is hard work.
I like a woman, for me, I think that has some semblance of idea or thoughts of
there being some sort of a higher power.
That doesn't have to be, they don't need to believe in Jesus Christ.
They don't need to believe in, you know, in Muhammad or something, a specific
deity or a specific liaison to a religion.
But I need them to, you know, I want them to believe that there's something
greater out there than us.
You know what I'm saying?
I ain't freaking backpack, I ain't carrying around no atheist.
I just can't, you know, because for me that doesn't work.
For some people it may.
And that's okay if it works for you, but I don't want somebody, you know, where
every other day feels like Halloween around the house because they dark art.
What else do I like?
You know, I dated a girl with a real small head one time.
I wouldn't mind more of like a regular headed woman.
I dated a girl who had this little pin top.
You know, and sometime when I was making out with her, I could kiss her and my
hands would touch under her chin and on the top of her head at the same time.
And she was an adult, obviously.
And, but I remember just like, dang, she got that little, she got that cabbage
ball.
You know, and I started thinking how many, how many ideas could she even have
in this, in this thing, in this hitter, you know, on top of her neck.
You know, I was always scared somebody with a t-ball bat was just going to roll
up and just, you know, try to knock a double.
Because she had that little, that little baby, you know, you know, that little,
that little, you know, that little, you know, mediocre sphere.
But she was a beautiful girl.
I mean, I think she was probably the, she might have been the prettiest girl in
New Orleans, but she, and you know, but who knows, man.
Do I like, you know, I like a woman that's a hard worker.
I like a woman that's a hard worker.
And I want a woman that can be a mother.
You know, I don't want one of these whiny ass ladies talking about, you know,
preaching all the time about, you know, motherhood and this and that when they
don't even have any children.
I want a woman who doesn't mind having some children, you know, and who doesn't
mind having some children with me.
I'm not looking for some housewife.
My wife can have a job.
My wife can be a CEO.
My wife can be president of the United States.
That's fine with me.
But I would hope that if we can have children that we have them.
So that's something.
What kind of ladies I like if I'm just thinking about being Randy, you know, I
like, you know, I like.
I mean, I remember when I was young, I dated, you know, I like that kind of
Native American looking type kind of girl.
Like if you saw her, you know, if you walk by and she was wearing a little bit
of, you know, you know, if you peeped in time, if you were peeking in her
windows and she didn't know you were there, she might have had on those, you
know, that buffalo skin brassiere.
You know, or she might have had a couple of duck uteruses kind of woven in with
some vine and holding up her breasts.
You know, just some lady that's really of the earth, you know, that Native
American kind of girl.
If you're peeking in her window at night, you wouldn't be surprised if her dad
freaking dropped that arrow right by your ear, you know, parted your hair just
and you know not to look at his daughter get, you know, changed clothes and
stuff at night, even though you guys are in love with each other.
So I think I had that kind of Pocahontas sort of thing that I kind of always
maybe envisioned.
You know, and my mother, you know, they say that you're attracted to some
characteristics that your mother has.
And my mother was kind of was sort of kind of tall, dark and handsome, I guess,
in a way, but in a female way.
My mother's a hard worker.
The hardest working man I've ever known is my mother.
And so I, you know, I really admire that.
You know, I need, because I need a teammate and I'm a lot to deal with.
I know that, you know, I'm really sensitive.
You know, I'm a sensitive person.
And I get better at managing my sensitivity, but I still, I need somebody who's
got that, you know, who's able to, you know, who's able to deal with that.
So, but also, you know, I think it changes over time.
You know, when you, some things I start to see, one good thing about being, you
know, single as you get older and being able to kind of see how relationships
shake out and stuff is that you notice like, oh, I'm glad I didn't go with that
one.
Or I'm glad I didn't go with that one.
Or I'm, you know, or I'm not that I didn't go, but I'm glad that one, that
situation didn't work out or that situation didn't work out because of this or
because of that.
You know, you start to see like, oh, I see how that, how that person goes that
way or how that type of person goes that way.
You just get more view.
So that's one thing that is kind of rewarding about being single as I get older
is being able to get a larger, a larger view of what's going on.
But, you know, I, you know, I've been fortunate enough to date, to date some
neat gals.
You know, I hope I haven't in my life, I don't know if I've ever mistreated any
women or done anything like that.
You know, I think I've been afraid of commitment and those sorts of things.
And so that probably hadn't been very helpful to some women.
But those are some things that I like.
You know, and for me, if a woman's funny, that's beautiful to me.
If a woman is, if a woman likes to play board games sometimes in the evening or
in the afternoon, then I like that.
You know, I like a girl that doesn't mind, you know, maybe doing like a silly
dance or something.
Or doesn't mind like, you know, looking silly sometimes.
Because those things inspire me.
You know, I'm always so afraid to like, you know, it's kind of weird.
I'm afraid to look silly.
Like, I'm not afraid to tell jokes and say things that are silly.
But I'm afraid physically sometimes to look silly.
And so, if there's a girl that kind of is comfortable with those sorts of
things, then that makes me feel, you know, I admire that.
Because I wish I could be that way.
And then somebody that's understanding.
I mean, fuck, I think I'm just describing things we all want.
But that's some of my ideas, Andrea.
And you sound like a beautiful young lady.
And if I don't have somebody, or if you don't have somebody, then at the very
least, you know, we can still treat ourselves with romance.
So, once you get out there and put some damn, you know, put some of that Zat Ziki
on your thighs, you know, and treat yourself right.
You know, light a candle and pour some wax on your neck or something.
You know, or dip your shoulders in chocolate and lick it off.
Do that side to side, you know.
That freaking nervous, that, be that, with that nervous tongue.
Just hunting your freaking clavicle.
Hunting along your clavicle with that nervous tongue.
Just back and forth, back and forth.
Just getting your own chocolate hits.
Some beauty right there.