Name: Professional Chauffeur Talks About When People Have S*x in the Car
Uploaded: 2025-11-07T18:01:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Professional Chauffeur Talks About When People Have S*x in the Car' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Professional Chauffeur Talks About When People Have S*x in the Car' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-07. Transcript available.

have you ever had a spot where uh like what i'm sure this happens a lot where a
couple wants to
make out or make a little bit of sex or something brother it happens you gotta
stay in the car and
put your ears like that or what do y'all do okay it's happened more than you
think the first time
it happened i was in a stretch limo and i heard some kind of weird noise and i
had the partition
up i went to load the partition to see what was going on in the back and as the
partition began
coming down i started trying to push it back up i didn't want to see it her
legs was in the air my
man was pile driving you know um about two or three months ago i was in the sprinter
and i had um
or i had some newlyweds they were in columbia outside of a little bar or
something their wedding
party was in the bar they came out and got into the sprinter i thought the
wedding party was coming
out behind them i felt the sprinter rocking to the side and um i went to look
into the back i saw what
was going on i got out the sprinter and i and i went into the bar to go see
whether or not the wedding
party was was coming out they told me nah that time is for them i gave them
about 10 15 minutes then i
knocked on the sprinter hey i'm about to take y'all home when i took them home
knocked on the door they
were just getting dressed it happens brother yeah so when you knock on that sprinter
door is it a hard
knock like a cop or is it something kind of chill like how do you because you
know i'm saying you
still have a responsibility you got to make sure no um it's a soft knock just
to let them know hey
listen i'm about to you know check on y'all or we're about to get moving i mean
you already know
what's going on yeah you know i mean honestly that's why people rent limos and
sprinters man
you'll be surprised man damn oh dude i do remember just now actually i ended up
getting a bj out there
and uh yeah i forgot about that thank you actually thank you i never would have
remembered it i ended
up getting a bj out there from some girl i think she was like a lieutenant uh
like third lieutenant
um i don't know what was happening to her she i think she was i don't know if
she was missing
something i don't remember what happened to her she'd been in the military for
a while and she uh
she rattled me off a little bj over there somewhere and that was in i believe
this might have been
over there in missouri somewhere over there now as a driver you have to avoid
that you do oh them
trying to give it to you i do got it i don't know what any other driver does
but my thing is i have
two daughters and total including my god sisters i have seven sisters and i
would not want any driver
to think that he is a celebrity because they are out that night and they've
been drinking and have a
good time and they may be hitting on him for him to go for it they're hitting
on you because they're
drunk they don't know you they don't even mean to they just out having a good
time right don't go for
it yeah don't do that it's a trap huh yeah have you heard stories of drivers
going forward and
anything happening to him i've heard drivers brag about going for it i would
never i actually avoid
it i have run before i have lied really get a runoff yes you ever have to lock
a woman in a car and just
get away no i want them out the car so i can get away got it got it got it yeah
that's better better
yes um one lady actually had me call my mother three o'clock in the morning and
i woke my mother up
because this lady was gifted i um i had two ladies in charlotte one saturday um
now i you know um they were at the breakfast club having a good time okay they
were really drunk
they lived across the street from the panthers practice facility now once again
i have seven
sisters so my my intent is always to walk the women to their doors
i walked this lady to her door and as we went to shake hands she took these two
fingers and this
thumb and stuck them in her mouth and she was holding my arm over here and i'm
trying to get it from her
and the more i pulled back the more she pulled in and now she has her eyes
closed she got veins
sticking out her forehead and she's going off on my arm i couldn't get it out
of her mouth
now this is the truth y'all eventually a feeling went down my arm down my leg
made my toes curl
came up my leg and hit my right testicle i snatched my arm out of her mouth ran
jumped into lincoln i'm
trying to start it it's going because it wants to stay and get that blow job
right and then when the
car started since i had my foot on the gas rocks went flying out from behind me
and the car zoomed off
i went around the corner skidded to a stop and caught my mother three o'clock
in the morning i'm like
mommy mommy mommy you gotta wake up you gotta wake up and mommy's like stan
what's wrong so i told my
mother what happened mommy's like stan so why'd you run i said mommy she has
skills if she could get
on my finger and make my body wake up imagine y'all might not have ever seen me
again my mother was
like stan you crazy man leave me that hell alone so i can go back to sleep man
yeah another time
i walked the chick to her door i had to go to the bathroom i don't care if my
stomach is upset i don't
go to the bathroom in women's houses anymore this young lady let me enter her
apartment i went
apartment i'm peeing when i went to open up the bathroom door she was standing
there with her
panties on no bra no clothes no nothing what kind of panties was it you think
if you had to guess
it was some little flowery little joints man and come on springtime she wanted
me to go for it
and i lied what'd she say did she say something or was she standing there just
kind of rocking her body
or what she told me that she wanted to give me a tour of the apartment and she
wanted to show me her bed
and when i told her that i wasn't going for it she told me that the guy i was
driving for once again
shane with the stretch navigator that shane told her that she could have me
because he was having
her friend that he picked up two chicks in the strip club onyx in charlotte
dang bro i got out of
that y'all i told the young lady that that there were condoms in the limo and i
was going down in the
limo to go grab a couple of condoms i got in that car yeah y'all i peeled out
of there
i've said that kind of shit damn bro i've said i remember one time i couldn't
get an erection right
and i don't know if you guys deal with that in the uh in the black community or
whatever
but i couldn't get an erection you know a white erection or whatever man it
happened to me before
yeah and so i told a girl i was like oh i'm gonna go get some condoms she's
looking at me like for
what you know i was trying to make an excuse to get out of there bro and bro i've
been gone eight
years going to get them condoms i ain't been back there since though god damn
actually that that type
of issue and i'm gonna be honest y'all since we talking that's what made me
leave cocaine alone
really three times it had me dead the first time i was confused the second time
i'm like wait a minute
wait a minute the third time i knew it and i was with my second wife that was
my last time that i
used it because how she made me feel so stupid when she was sitting there plucking
it talking about look
at this what am i supposed to do with this what's wrong with this what did you
do and i'm sitting
there feeling dumb and dumb and i said to myself ain't no woman on the planet
gonna ever make me feel
like this and i have not touched it since any ladies of the night you ever
drive any uh ladies of the
night and he escorted oh my god yes yes yes yes yes oh yes yes yes and and at
one point in charlotte
i was the driver for this dude that had about three or four girls who stayed at
this house he told me
he was their manager um and i was their driver one of the young ladies you know
she picked me um
and i drove them to their appointments but like i told the girls i'll drop you
off i'm not sitting
outside i will come back and pick you up because if you're sitting outside then
you're part of the
organization if they get arrested right no no no no i'm transportation i'm paid
transportation i drop
off and then i come back and uh get them but i had to leave them alone i was
making a little money off
and then one day the guy um the manager yeah the manager i think he called the
self script or
something dumb like that he said to me hey yo stan man um i need to talk to you
about a payment
arrangement i'm like a payment arrangement what you talking about he gonna say
to me man do uh
you think i could pay you in pink i said in pink what you talking about he said
man like the females i
told him no dog i don't want that nasty shit i got a woman home i get out my
bed for green now that's
what you can pay me green money you know pink i don't want no pink and what did
it seem like them
ladies it seemed like they were doing okay because that's a fair job they just
out there getting their
money brother dumb young ladies are all cute all of them look nice um monday
mondays and like
thursdays they're going to do their nails something like wednesdays wait thursdays
would be nails and
hair because they got to get get ready for the weekend monday they trying to
straighten themselves
up from the weekend um you know um tuesday and wednesday hit the gym a little
yeah they were cool
what i didn't like was when the girls would would would would would try and
flash to her like me whoa
wait a minute that shit doesn't impress me matter matter of fact put that away
i don't need that no
put that away that's not part of the thing you know yeah because that's a big
industry man you know i
have friends that are working sex work and stuff like that and that's a big
industry and you know um