Name: Professional Driver Breaks Down the Rules of the Road
Uploaded: 2025-11-14T14:45:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Professional Driver Breaks Down the Rules of the Road' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Professional Driver Breaks Down the Rules of the Road' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-14. Transcript available.

Is that when you started chauffeuring down there in Charlotte?
When did you get behind the wheel, big dog?
I started chauffeuring in 99.
As a result, I was driving a truck on a highway one day going to Raleigh,
and a guy in an SUV kept riding next to me trying to get my attention.
Coming from the Bronx with that Bronx mentality, I'm thinking it's a hijacking.
So I started dipping the truck towards his SUV, and then the window lowered
down,
and he said to me he wanted to talk to me about a driving job.
We got off the next exit.
His name was Shane.
He was from Miami, and he told me that he needed a driver for his stretch navigator.
I had never driven a limo before.
I decided to take the opportunity, and it gave me a feeling, man,
and I've never looked back.
I mean, every guy wants to look good driving a nice car,
burning somebody else's gas, and getting paid for it.
Woo!
And I really enjoy it.
I mean, it is me now.
Oh, when you pull up, I was like, this is a, it was just part,
it was just ensemble, bro.
It wasn't like I was going with you, you were taking, it was like, this is an
adventure.
You are welcome to Stan-ganistan, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
That's what it felt like.
I enjoyed myself that particular evening.
Oh, we had a great time, man.
What are some of the, like, what are some of the things with chauffeuring?
Like, do you have a code of ethics and conduct?
Like, what are some things you have to remember as a chauffeur?
What I have to remember is, as a chauffeur, first of all, it's not about you as
a driver.
Your job is to make sure that your guests have a good night.
They enjoy themselves.
Safe driving.
Great customer service.
You know, make sure they enjoy themselves.
You know, if you have a sprinter, make sure they know how to, you know, work
the music, the AC.
You have to do a lot of ear hustling.
You know, if you hear the women say something like, somebody has to go to the
bathroom.
You're supposed to hit them.
Hey, listen, group, we're going to make a stop because I have to go to the
bathroom.
If you hear them say something like, they're running out of beer or they need
some more soda or water,
then that's when I'll hit them with the, hey, y'all, listen, I'm going to stop
at a convenience store
because I need a Mountain Dew.
I see, put it on you.
Bingo.
You know, you always have to try to stay a step ahead of them.
Make sure that wherever the venue is that they're going is safe for them.
You have that responsibility.
And if you have women, and I'm a male driver, I make sure that them women are
safe.
I have seven sisters.
But that particular evening that I have those ladies, they are my sisters and
my daughters.
Yeah, because people don't know, like, when they're getting in with a driver,
what their mentality is, you know?
What are some of the worst things that, like, passengers can do, kind of, man?
What's the type of shit that?
Throw up.
Throw up in my vehicle.
And what, you talking about, vomit?
Yes, from being excessively drunk.
Yeah.
You know, I had a guy one night, he's hanging out the window throwing up, and
then I was in Charlotte, and he asked me to pull over.
I pulled over, let him throw up.
Another time, I had a group that I was taking down to Orangeburg in the Sprinter
on a Monday.
No, excuse me.
It might have been about a Tuesday morning.
I won't say the name of the organization.
And the guy started screaming, hey, Stan, stop, stop.
I pulled over on I-26 and let this guy, Earl, out the window.
And he was vomiting?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But things that I detest are somebody that's too drunk because you can't
rationale with them.
You can't reason with them.
And then normally when somebody has been drinking a whole lot, the evening is
going to go downhill.
Amen.
Every time.
I mean, that's a given no matter what's going on.
Yes.
And you ever have anybody try to get them out there to hustle to get a bag or
something, get a little bag of dope or something like that?
I mean, does that happen?
And I'm sure people ask that kind of shit all the time.
Well, people ask as a driver, especially out-of-towners, do you know where they
could get such and such?
And what they're looking for usually, you think?
Normally, somebody might want either a little cocaine.
Yeah.
And my thing is, I don't know anything.
You know, I mean, you never know whether they're an undercover agent or what.
Plus, also, my boss would really be let down if that happened, you know, in our
vehicles.
Oh, for sure.
You also don't know if they're a little bitch and they can't handle their
cocaine.
Boom.
Boom.
That's right.
That's true.
That's true, boy.
That's true.
So that's the kind of thing, like, because, yeah, sometimes people don't think,
like, when they go do something, like, they meet up with a chauffeur.
You have a responsibility as a passenger as well, right?
Yes, they do.
And people just, you know, like, I think that's just about life.
People think just because somebody's providing a service doesn't mean that you
don't stop to be a human being, you know, in that instances and take care of
yourself.
Let's get back a little more towards, like, the occupational side of things.
Yes.
What, what, how hard is it to drive a limo and why are those pretty much
extinct these days, man?
Because that bitch seems ridiculous, bro.
Okay.
The limos or the stretch market?
The stretch market?
Oh, you know, like the, uh, stretch limos.
Stretch limos, yeah.
That particular market is almost drying up because, because of the sprinters.
Like, the Mercedes sprinters has basically eliminated the stretch market
because why would you put, say, eight to ten people in a vehicle that's low and
they'll be sitting down, the driver has to make wide turns versus putting them
in a sprinter, a Mercedes sprinter, where it may be 13 passengers, it may be a
10 passenger, it may be the party bus,
depending on how the owner operator has the interior designed, people prefer
that.
You just have to make a little wider turn.
Like, how do you do it?
Like, if you had to show me it?
Well, I always drive with two hands.
Okay.
The reason why I drive with two hands is because one hand is not going to do it
right, and a lot of times, like, the wheels move, you have to constantly look
into your mirrors, and you have to always make sure you have distance between
you and the vehicle in front of you because those vehicles don't stop on a dime.
And a lot of times, like, the public, people will see, like, the sprinter or
they'll see, like, a limo, and they'll try and undercut you and stop short.
Come on, dog.
You don't have to do that, man.
You know, as if they're trying to cause an accident.
I'm constantly sweeping my mirrors.
I'm going from left to right constantly.
I'm constantly looking in, like, your middle mirror if you have one.
But most of the time, you won't if it's a stretch.
If it's a sprinter, you're not going to have that either.
So you have to really learn how to use your mirrors, keep the space in front of
you.
You have to be a really good driver as well as taking care of your charge, of
your people.
I mean, you know.
Has a ride that a passenger ever led to a date or a relationship, even in a
professional, you know, not, like, at that moment, but, like, let's talk and
say it another time?
No, no, no, I won't do it.
It's against my ethics.
What if a passenger, like, starts to pass out or something?
Are you licensed to know CPR?
Are you licensed to know any medical skills?
Like, could you hand, like, could you, do you think, was there ever an
emergency you had to do something?
No, and if there is an emergency, I'm going to do two things.
I'm going to Waze, and I'm going to look for the nearest emergency room, and I'm
going to hit 911.
Gang, gang, gang.
And I'm not stopping at any red lights.
Amen, baby.
What do you think about Waymo's when you see them, those Waymo's?
Waymo?
What's that?
Bring up a Waymo, if you can, for Stan.
It's a driverless car they got now.
Nah, uh-uh.
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
I don't like driverless cars, man.
I don't like driverless cars at all, at all, at all, because what that's going
to do is eventually that's going to eliminate us chauffeurs.
Okay, nah, I'm not, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
And then if that driverless car happens to hit somebody, like me, or my kid, I
can't drag nobody out by, like, their ankle and beat them up.
Yeah.
So anybody could be a chauffeur, but it takes, it's not just you driving, it's
driving an experience for people.
It's setting yourself secondary to your customer, making sure to keep space
between you and the car in front of you, keep your head on a swivel.
Make sure that they have a good time.