Name: Professional Driver Talks About Getting Robbed
Uploaded: 2025-11-22T14:45:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Professional Driver Talks About Getting Robbed' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Professional Driver Talks About Getting Robbed' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-22. Transcript available.

Would it have been some situations that have gotten a little sketch out there
for you, like on the road?
Like what's some of the most harrowing situations you've had to deal with?
Okay, I was in Charlotte.
And one thing as a limo driver is that you're not supposed to, you know, pick
up, you know, person that hasn't been booked.
I was at the bowling alley in Charlotte off of Park Road.
I dropped somebody off over there.
And I was about to leave.
A guy came out the bowling alley and he asked me if I was going to the uptown
Charlotte area.
And I was like, yeah.
And he said to me how he had never been in a limo before.
And, you know, could I just take him?
I figured, you know, the guy was bowling.
Eh, it's nothing.
I'll take him.
So he got into the limo and I pulled off.
And then the guy asked me, he said to me, hey, is it true that as a chauffeur
you're not supposed to be armed?
And I was like, yeah, why?
He said to me, so what would you do if somebody's robbing you?
I was like, man, I ain't even worried about that.
And then the guy said to me, man, look, what would you do if I'm robbing you?
And I turned around and looked at him and I said to him, why?
And then the guy said to me, man, because this is a robbery.
Ooh.
And I said to the dude, okay, it's like this, man.
Because now he messed up.
I said to the guy, it's like this, man.
I practiced this.
Yeah.
It's like this.
I could hit my brake, open the door and roll out and let the car go.
And I showed him how I had the door open.
I said to the man, I practiced that.
I said, but nah, it's like this.
If you have a gun, I roll out the door and the car keeps going.
I said to him, now, if you have a knife, that means that you have to be up on
me.
And if you're up on me, because the guy was, you know, leaning close, I said to
the man, if you're up on me, here's what's going to happen.
My foot hit the gas.
The gas hit the floor.
I turned the corner.
He fell all over the car.
I'm doing about 90 miles now in Charlotte about 2 o'clock in the morning
looking for a cop, turning corners, driving wild, skidding and all of this
stuff.
The guy's falling all over the place.
He's telling me I'm crazy.
Something's wrong with me.
And I'm hollering at him, we're both dying tonight.
Yeah, let's die.
And like I said to him, my family know I can drive.
I'm surgical behind the wheel.
So if I hit a building, they're going to know something was going down in this
car, man.
And then I skidded to a stop and I said to him, you can get out now.
The guy got out, put his weapon away.
He had his finger up in the air.
He's telling me, man, you're crazy.
F you, this, that, and the other.
And I'm sitting there going, wait, how about the robbery, man?
What happened?
Where you going?
Man, fuck him.
But that's the kind of shit, bro, that you got to be prepared for.
Yes, you do.
Yeah.
What about another instance?
You pull up at a gas station and you refueling the coach and then somebody come
up.
Something happened over there.
I'm sure you're running into some characters out there, man.
Take me through some of that, Stan.
You do, but that's where the Bronx, that's where the 169.
That's where you know what's going on.
We right, yeah.
Like I tell people, yo, dawg, don't walk up on me, man.
I'm a different dude, man.
Yeah.
I tell them, don't do that.
Yeah.
I keep a lawyer on a speed dial.
His name is Ken Snow.
He's in Charlotte, y'all.
He's good, too.
And I tell people, do not walk up on me, man.
Because if I got to take off the glasses, we getting down.
Yeah.
I take off the glasses for two things.
They both begin with an F.
Fighting and, you know, and I tell people, do not walk up on me.
Yeah.
Oh, 100%, man.
100%, dawg.
That's the thing, yeah.
You got to tell people, do not walk up on me.
Do not walk over here sometimes.
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
No, because I have this $200,000 vehicle, and I have people.
I may have somebody who's a $200 million person with me.
I don't want anything to happen to that person.
It's not my responsibility to be executive protection,
but I'm not going to let something happen to somebody who's with me.
Right.
That's part of the gang.
Right.
I mean, me and that person will stomp somebody out together.
And do you keep a blade on you?
Do you keep a pistol on you?
No.
No.
Are you allowed to keep that thing on you?
Some people do.
I'm an anti-gun guy.
Okay.
I'm anti-gun.
But I know you've had a blade on you before.
You told me a story about blading out a dude, huh?
Oh, yeah, man.
What happened with that?
Oh, man.
This guy, he was a home contracting scam artist named Mickey Moore.
My house in Charlotte that I had bought and renovated, it had a HVAC problem.
Now, once again, y'all, I'm a reject from the projects.
I don't know any of the language as far as that central AC and HVAC and all of
that stuff.
So, my HVAC, their heat went out.
A friend of mine put me in touch with a friend of his who worked for a guy.
They came over to the house.
The guy said all the right things.
He blew smoke up my ass.
You know, he told me everything.
Oh, yeah, that Native American shit.
I mean, he told me everything that I needed to hear.
My, at that time, girlfriend was saying to me, Stan, something sounds funny
about this.
And I told her, no, well, he's a friend of this dude here.
Let's let him do the job.
And did he have a ponytail or anything?
What did he look like?
Mickey Moore.
Well, come to find out, heroin user, heroin dealer, pill user, pill dealer.
The lady.
There he is right there.
Yep, that's him.
Are you sure that that.
That's Mickey.
Oh, yeah.
I've seen this guy.
He does all those Jesse Ventura impersonations.
This guy here, he had a company in Charlotte called CSC of the Carolinas.
The lady before me, an 87-year-old lady, he scammed her for $43,000.
Then when he got me, he got me for $10,000.
No, no, no.
He took out a perfectly good HVAC system that only needed to have a fuse
changed.
And dig this, y'all.
He incorrectly installed a highly defective unit that he must have bought off
the marketplace
or from some bogus place that had turned my crawl space into a foot of mud.
Damn.
He put a blender in that bitch.
He took out a regular HVAC system.
And he put a fucking two-story microwave in that bitch.
We literally had poison gas coming through the floor.
Another air conditioning company cut off my gas.
They threatened to, I mean, I was having headaches and stuff.
That's because he put a lawnmower in that bitch.
He put a riding lawnmower where your fucking HVACs were.
Then he vandalized my central air, figuring that.
I'm not going to know.
State Farm noticed the paperwork was incorrect.
And they called me and said to me, man, we're investigating you for fraud.
And I'm like, what are you talking about?
And then when they explained it to me, and then I'm like, wait a minute.
So no wonder why something's been wrong.
I called a couple of other AC companies.
They came over.
They checked the work.
And they told me what he did.
I contacted this guy.
And he told me, F you, Stan.
You'll never find me.
And I explained to Mickey, I'm a New Yorker.
I don't have anything to do.
I'm bored.
I will find you one day.
I will find you.
Well, y'all, I did find him.
And when I found him, Mickey Moore had an 8 to 10 inch knife on him and a crowbar.
I got out of my car with my hands in the air.
No weapon, y'all.
Ooh, Raphael and Donatello.
A little while later, Mickey was popped eight times with his own knife.
20 cops came to my house to come get me.
And that's all we know.
But I'm in the street, y'all.
And that's all we know, boy.
Anybody who knows me can fill it in.
That's all we know, son.
Pin the tail on the donkey, homie.
That's all we know, bro.
I explained to the judge that I'm from the Bronx.
And if you take somebody's weapon, it's called a free kill.
She told me that in a civilized society, there's no such thing as a free kill.
Well, it's a difference of opinion.
Very true.
And he is alive.
But anybody, once again, who knows me knows that I'm no dummy.
Below the waist is misdemeanor.
Above the waist is felony.
Is that true?
Yes, it is.
Wow.
Yes, it is.
You just have to watch out for that femoral artery that the judge told me that
I almost hit.
I missed it by less than half an inch, but he got popped eight times.
Ken Snow, y'all.
He did his thing.
I'm in the street.
I've done that before.
I dragged a man out of his car by his ankle in front of Lincoln Center on
Christmas Day 99.
Yeah, man.
Shit got intense, huh?
No, he happened to, he was a taxi driver.
And I had just bought a conversion van in Charlotte.
And I drove it up to New York for Christmas.
Now, I'm leaving New York.
I'm on my way to the Lincoln Tunnel.
And a cab driver hits my van after I passed him.
And I asked him, why did you hit me?
I mean, I was past you.
And he said something dumb.
I don't even remember what it was.
But at that particular time, remember, y'all, this was in 99.
I still had that New York mentality.
I dragged him out of his car by his ankle and beat the dude up.
You went to jail for it?
Yeah.
I went to jail in Manhattan.
And what happened was I had to pay his hospital bill, restitution, you know.
The old Be Good program for a year.
Type shit.
And you based over out of Columbia, South Carolina.
That's where you're riding at now.
Yes.
That's where you're chauffeuring at now, man.
And yeah, if you guys, we'll put Stan's info out there, man.
If y'all want to get, if y'all want to ride with the dog,
when you pull up somewhere in Columbia, South Carolina, man,
that's the guy to do it with.
Signature transportation.
Dude, that story's crazy, bro.
Yeah.
That story's crazy, bro.