Name: Riley Mau is Having a Child
Uploaded: 2025-12-01T23:07:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Riley Mau is Having a Child' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Riley Mau is Having a Child' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-01. Transcript available.

Riley Mal.
Yes, sir.
What is something that you are kind of grateful for this year?
A little thing in the world that, like, is there a moment or something in the
world that
makes you feel some gratitude?
Yeah, I mean, you know, I just, there's a new thing coming at the end of this
year.
There's a new thing coming up?
Yeah, that I'm grateful for.
That you're grateful for.
And it's not here yet, you're saying?
Not yet.
And good to hear your voice, brother.
Have you been taking voice lessons or something?
You just sound more comfortable in your skin.
No, just talking more.
Okay.
And what is a, what is a, you're saying there's something else, there's
something on the way
that's coming.
What is it?
Or can you share it?
Yeah, yeah.
I've got a, got a little baby coming along the way.
God dang!
You have a, you have a baby coming?
I do.
Oh my gosh!
Bro!
Unreal.
Dude, congratulations, man.
Thank you.
Oh my gosh, bro.
Dude, I remember when you hadn't even, um, come out of your own nuts or
whatever.
Remember that?
Yeah.
Wow.
And now you're like, I'll show them.
Wow, dude.
I'm going to make this skeet grow up.
That's a, that's crazy, dude.
Um, does everybody know about this?
Uh, yeah, we made a post about it.
Man, I'm sorry, dude.
I've really, I mean, it's selfish.
I've been caught up in my own universe, I think.
Um, but man, I want to hear more about this.
And is this with a woman that you are, um, still, uh, involved with?
Yes.
Oh, wow.
So cool, man.
Um, well, okay, well, I want to get back to you on that.
I'm going to finish out this list.
Are there a, is there anything that you can think of outside of this future
baby coming?
And is it a male or female?
Do you know?
Have y'all looked at it?
It's a male.
Amen, brother.
God, God has got you, man.
I want to, we can even pray about it right now.
You care if we pray about it for a second?
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it, man.
God, we just want to thank you today.
Um, you know, in times where we're uncertain about things and where we, it
feels like it's
tough to get a foothold that sometimes our sense of purpose wanes, uh, based on
our society
that, uh, that you can remind us that there are important things in the world.
Um, God, we want to thank you so much for giving Riley, um,
a chance to be a father.
You know, when I met Riley, he was barely, he hadn't even had any, uh,
see, I'm going to say it fast.
So it's not because we are, we are in a prayer.
He hadn't even had any semen come out of his body.
And here he is just serving blast sauce and just having it grow up into
something beautiful.
And we want to lift this child up to you, God, before it's even here.
Uh, and what's the name of the child, Riley?
Uh, we've haven't announced it yet.
Okay.
God, we want to lift up this unannounced child to you that at this point is
still just a batch
of semen and egg, um, that, uh, that you may, that you are helping, uh,
cultivate and moisturize.
Um, and so we just want to lift that up to you, God, and say, thank you for
reminding
us what is purposeful and that we can find purpose in family.
Rod, uh, amen.
Amen.
Do you feel like this is giving you a sense of purpose, Riley?
I do.
Wow.
What?
So take me through this, man, because I remember how long ago was it that you
and I met and
you would never even felt that, that sauce climb right out of you, that little
fucking
baby rocket you got out of that little gerbil arm you got.
Yeah, we, uh, I think we met back in what?
2020.
Nah, I wasn't here.
I thought you were, well, we've seen you think a lot of things over the years,
big dog
that did not pan out, but no, look, well, look, whatever year it was, man, when
we connected,
you remember you were at a space sexually, you were not even sexually active.
Right.
Um, and then that changed and how did you get to the point of fatherhood?
I mean, cause you got there really fast.
It seems like, do you feel like that?
Just tell me something.
Yeah.
Um, I, uh, I was on tour when, you know, when on tour with, you were, you were
working
as a, uh, doing audio visual on tour.
Correct.
And then, uh, that's when she found out.
So she didn't tell me until I came back.
Okay.
And, um, did she do a special ceremony to let you know?
No.
Did she put it in a card or anything?
Did she write it?
Like, you know, a lot of times women will, uh, you know, if they're pissed,
they'll fucking
write it on the front of your house with spray paint.
Like it's yours, mother, you know?
Um, but if they're not, sometimes they'll put like a little picture of a baby
or something
or draw a picture of a baby with a crayon or something and put that, you know,
hide it
under your dinner napkin or dinner dish.
Nope.
Okay.
Nothing, huh?
Nothing.
Did she look you in the eyes?
Was she vacuuming?
And she just stopped it for a second and said, Hey, we're, we're, you know, we're
having
one.
And then start, like, did she, was there any extracurriculars involved with it?
Uh, no, we were just sitting down.
Wow.
And how do you feel, man?
Uh, now I feel pretty good.
Okay.
At the first, at the beginning, were you scared?
Yeah.
What were some of your original fears, man?
And, and thank you for sharing this with us.
Cause I think a lot of people go through this.
I mean, we've, we talked to a guy a couple of months ago and he was saying that,
you know,
he was having a child and he was very scared.
Um, but yeah, tell me about that rally, baby.
Yeah.
I mean, at first I was, I was terrified.
I, uh, what did you do?
Did you stand up?
Did you fucking shake your hands like this?
Did you make a sound?
Like, do you, can you take me through a little bit of it?
No, we were both just sitting down and I was looking at her and I was like, oh,
like,
you're not kidding.
And she was like, no, not kidding.
I'm like, you sure?
She was like, yeah, I'm, I'm pretty sure.
I'm like, oh, okay.
And did you guys make love again that night or is that?
Not that night.
Okay.
But soon after you think?
Yeah.
Wow.
Riley returning to the scene of the crime, bro.
Dang, dude.
Riley stopping back by to peep the skeet work, homie.
Damn.
That's crazy work, bro.
That's unhinged dog.
Um, do you guys remember the night of conception?
Was that a big night?
I know that, you know, whenever we'd spoken last, I think you'd probably had
sex, I think
almost six times.
And is, did that, was this a special evening at all?
When you guys look back on it, had you guys been out to hear any music?
Had you heard some, you know, had you been to the young boy show?
Had you been listening to some Ella Langley?
Had you, um, you know, uh, I know that, um, Dermot Kennedy had also played
recently.
Um, was there anybody, uh, that you guys had listened to?
Um, no, it wasn't like that.
I will say it was on April 1st.
Wow.
So Riley popping in, huh?
Yeah.
With that Chinese chop work on fucking April Fool's Day.
Do you think that is a risky day to ejaculate into somebody?
Now I do.
Big facts, homie.
Big facts.
Riley freaking ejacking.
Damn, homie.
God.
I remember when you were just a little fucking magic lamp, bro, just waiting to
bust.
I was afraid to even accidentally bump into you.
Figured your semen would just fly out of your eyes.
Because you were so full and you'd never even eject or whatever.
God, baby, praise God.
And now, and have you seen photos of you sure you guys are having a child?
Yeah.
And is there a short list of names even?
A few names?
Uh, I think we finally narrowed it down.
Can you give us one letter that's in the name?
M.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Can I have one guess, even if you don't tell me if it's right?
Yeah.
Mark.
Good guess.
But you're not telling me if it's right, huh?
Nope.
Yeah.
And you can, is there, yeah.
I don't know if you can, Mark is kind of, it's a great name.
My friend, I have a friend named Mark.
He's doing pretty good, I think.
Um, well, I want you to think of a couple of things.
Like, I want, I'm going to come back to this rather than we're going to jump
into another
call right here.
Okay.
Nothing at all, huh?
What do you wish for your child as he comes into the world?
And it's a boy, huh?
Yeah.
Little Mark.
Or whatever.
Right?
We're not going to say it's Mark, but it'd be something.
Mark Mao, that would be his name, huh?
You can think that.
If it were Mark, I'm saying.
Sure.
It'd be Mark Mao.
Mark Mao.
But then it's always Mark, set, go.
People always do that.
And people try to race you all the time.
Mark, set, go.
And you're like, fuck.
That would suck.
But what do you wish for that baby, that little semen that's fucking growing in
your lady
right now?
What do you wish for that little fricking yellow bus that you fricking launched
over there
and now it's over there doing work, big dog?
What do you wish for that little fucking, uh, that little, um, edamame you got
growing,
baby boy?
What you think, Riley?
Oh, I just, you know, wish that he's healthy.
Mm-hmm.
Well, look, man, I'm happy for you, dude.
You've come a long way, dude.
Did you think that this would happen in your life?
What age are you, Riley?
I don't even know.
I don't know if you're 70 or fucking 15.
How old are you?
I'm 27.
Are you really?
Mm-hmm.
Oh my God.
I thought you were 16.
Nope.
That's beautiful, dude.
So this is time, huh?
Yeah.
And what's it been like having a pregnant woman and dealing, and being blessed
enough to
deal with someone like that?
Deal with someone like that.