Name: Easter Feaster | This Past Weekend #85
Uploaded: 2018-04-02T07:46:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Easter Feaster | This Past Weekend #85' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Easter Feaster | This Past Weekend #85' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-02. Transcript available.

Easter Feaster | This Past Weekend #85

And, uh, you know, happy Easter.
Happy Easter.
Happy Easter.
Happy Easter!
That's it.
That's it.
That's that soft hitter coming in right there.
Oh, yeah.
That's something.
Yeah, that's something you could wash a baby to right there.
Imagine you washing a baby.
A baby you know, not just a random kid.
Imagine that.
Let's go back into the music.
Oh, you might even scrub under that baby's arms.
This is that kind of music.
That's it.
That's it.
That's how you keep that baby clean right there.
You got to put on good music.
You know, my mother used to wash me sometime when I was young to, uh, Brian
Adams.
I remember when I was young, my mom would, uh, put us all in the yard sometimes.
You know, if we'd been out playing in the mud or just, you know, fighting.
Or sometimes people would, in our neighborhood, would burn stuff in the ditch.
And, um, you know, and after the, you know, a couple days after, whenever it
was just a
bunch of ash in the ditch or, you know, black ash or something in the ditch, we
would do
this thing called dirty donuts where we would put like water all over our skin
and get out
in the ash.
And you would get ash all over your body and you would look, I don't know, I
guess kind
of fun a little bit, but mostly just kind of covered in charcoal.
And, um, and I always remember that that was kind of like a fun thing we would
do.
And then my mom would spray us down with a hose out in the yard all at once.
You know, she would wash us all at once and she would put on some Brian Adams
sometimes
in the house while she would do it.
And I think it's probably more fun.
You know, I don't have any children, but it's probably more fun to wash your
children
to music than just sitting there washing them.
So, but yeah, this seemed like the kind of music you would wash a baby to.
And this is called Seth Saves Spring from Isaac George.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
And that's definitely something that you would clean a child to.
What's up guys?
Happy Easter.
Uh, thank you guys for being here with me today.
I hope your weekend was good.
You know, I'm down here in Baton Rouge.
I'm down here in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
And I'm down here by my brother's house because he has a house down here.
And he's married as a family.
I've been here before.
If some of you guys are on the YouTube, you'll see, you know, you know, uh, you
know, a regular
background that you've seen before here whenever I'm down here.
And, um, and I've had a good time, man.
I had fun down here, you know, get down here into the South and you see people
had enough
cake today.
And, you know, you don't want to, the thing is with me, I'll tell you what
happened with
me and desserts.
Okay.
So here's the thing.
I'll have a, like, there'll be a dessert at the party and I'll be like, uh, I'll
have
a little, you know, but then here's the thing.
Other people come to the party late and they bring another dessert and you don't
want to
let them down.
You know, I don't want somebody to just see me just look at their dessert and
walk off.
You know, like I'm some kind of, you know, like I'm like a deadbeat dad, you
know, like
I'm some kind of deadbeat dessert dad, you know, who just looks at his son and
just walks
off or moves away, moves to Akron or, you know, moves to, you know, Norfolk.
You know, I want to be, you know, I want to be that participant.
And so if I see a dessert and it looks good enough, you know, I have to stay
there and spend
some time with it.
And that's what happened to me today.
I didn't plan on eating a lot of desserts, but next thing you know, somebody
showed up
with this and somebody showed up with that.
And then somebody, you know, somebody put a bunch of animal crackers in the
oven and fucking
baked them and they were already baked.
But now they're hot animal crackers.
My defense is rest and I'm guilty.
I'm about to prosecute my stomach with about 30 of them miatches and I had some
Mississippi
mud.
So, you know, this beautiful tall lady showed up with a thing of Mississippi
mud and I mean,
God dang, that thing was, I mean, this dessert container was probably a foot
deep.
I mean, you could have got stuck in there.
You could have lost a friend in there if you had a small friend.
And so I had some of that.
And next thing you know, I've only had about a little bit of regular food, you
know, maybe
a small cut of ham.
You know, I think I had a small cut of ham and then probably 19 desserts.
And then I can't even feel my face because I feel like my whole face is just
infested with
sugar and, you know, and then I just started not feeling good and then I'm
depressed and
I'm, then I'm like changing into my running clothes and everybody's like
relaxing because
it's Easter.
And now I'm that freaking creep that's going for a run on Easter.
And it's just, you know, sometimes when you get into that, you know, I get into
that Bermuda
triangle of desserts and it just can be dark for me.
It can be really, really dark.
So, so usually what I'll do is just decide, you know what, today I'm going to
eat whatever.
I'm just going to go like that.
And I wish we didn't even care about what we ate.
You know, I think there was a long time ago, probably back in the old days, you
know, now
everybody's so concerned about their diets.
Everybody's on a diet.
I'm on this, you know, I'm on Atkins.
I'm on Jerry Atkins.
You know, I'm, I'm a senior, you know, I'm on, uh, keto, you know, I'm on Kato
Katelyn.
I'm on, you know, I only eat cheeseburgers during murders.
You know, everybody's on something.
I'm on vegetables.
I'm on, you know, broccolini.
You know, I only eat, I only eat by my stepmother's house.
My buddy told me he's on that diet.
I'm like, that's not a fucking diet.
I'm like, you're going to, you're going to starve.
You're an idiot.
But everybody's on some type of diet.
You know, somebody's like, I'm on, you know, water and limes.
Like, eh, that's not a diet.
You know, that's somebody that's, you know, probably going to die on an island.
You know, so some of this stuff isn't, isn't diets.
Sorry, there's a call came in and I have a ringtone.
I'm a teenager.
Uh, but yeah, everybody's on a diet.
Everybody's on something, you know, and it's just, but back in the old days,
you didn't,
you weren't on a diet.
If somebody shot an animal, that's what you ate.
If somebody killed a, um, you know, a bushel of corn, that's what you ate.
Somebody showed up with a, you know, a little bit of Labrador, a couple of Labrador
medallions.
That's what you ate.
That was it.
I mean, there, there were probably years where people were eating this or
eating that.
You know, I'm not trying to be vile, but people were, you know, having German
shepherd for dinner.
A long time ago in the 1700s, come on, you know, people were having, you know,
a ham was,
you kill a pig and that's, that was it.
Somebody shoot a dove or an owl and that was it.
And that's what you ate.
There wasn't an opportunity for all this dieting.
But now, you know, once we get, you know, we get a little bit more sedentary
and that
food starts to build up in us.
So it's just a different time now.
And so now, you know, we're a little bit more concerned and we didn't have
mirrors back then.
That's another thing.
Maybe instead of diet and we just get rid of all the mirrors.
Have we thought about that yet?
I mean, sometimes I wish we could just have a big mirror burning.
You know, everybody just shows up and throws a damn mirror into a big gorge.
One of these empty gorges and just throws a bunch of gasoline in there, a turpentine.
And lights that bitch up.
Let's burn these mirrors.
So who knows who's fat?
Who knows who's out of shape?
Who knows who's feeling a little, you know, if you lift your arm up and you can't
lift it up.
Or if your underarm just, you know, I got a buddy, he's got, his underarms have
kind of
become tits under his arm.
And they still have all that hair on them, that underarm hair.
So he'll lift his arm up and it's like this just hair tit kind of pops out from
under
his arm.
And I don't know why.
I don't know what's going on with him.
He's like, I'm thinking I need a diet.
I'm like, I think you need a haircut on them tits first and go from there.
But it's, you know, it's just, uh, before we were infected with all these diets,
I think
we used to enjoy our time a little bit more.
And I guess if I could look back on today a little bit, I probably wish I would
have not
thought about, you know, calories and all of this and that as much, but I would
have just
been, you know, more focused on the day.
But we had, we had, uh, you know, had a nice weekend, had a bunch of crawfish.
And crawfish is just a, it's just a fancy snail that's down the fuck, really.
I mean, that thing is, it's like a shrimp that's, you know, I mean, I've talked
about
it before.
Crawfish is just like a shrimp that's, um, from Rome.
It's basically a Roman shrimp.
And those things, I mean, they are, when you get down here in Louisiana,
especially in
this time of year on Easter, it's, you know, it's not surprising to go to a
crawfish bowl
where somebody's boiling 400 pounds of crawfish, 400 pounds, and you get that
and eat that.
You know, and I guess when you do get down here in Louisiana, it is a little
bit more
like you eat what's available.
You know, you eat whatever.
I mean, you know, I've talked about it before, but I had, um, I had some, uh,
family members,
they killed two owls for Thanksgiving a couple of years ago.
You know, they were short on funds at the house and, you know, the dad was
selling tires.
He used to sell used tires.
And you know what you think people, you, a lot of people nowadays, they just
get fucking
new tires.
You know, that used tire market is, I don't know if it's non-existent or what,
but, uh,
but, but he would, um, you know, they didn't have a lot of money, so they had
two owls and
they fattened up a couple of owls.
And you might ask, why did they have two owls?
Because one owl doesn't have a lot of meat on it.
An owl is basically like a skinny woman in a, in a, in a, in a fat, in a thick
dress.
That's what it is.
Owls look fat.
They're not.
They look like they store in a lot of meat.
They're not.
They're not at all.
So it's really a ruse that a lot of these owls put on.
But anyhow, man, my mother used to, uh, I remember she used to hose us down and
put
on some Bryan Adams and that was a good time back in the day.
And I, I do think it's probably more fun to wash your children of music than it
is to
just wash your kids like some kind of creep in the silence, you know, like it's
some kind
of damn, you know, I don't know.
I don't even know.
It just sounds real creepy washing your kids with no background music going on.
It sounds like real, um, like a crime or something.
But anyhow, welcome, man, to this past weekend and it is April.
It is spring.
It is April 2nd, actually.
And I'm down here in Louisiana.
I'm not going to make this a crazy wild episode because, you know, it's Easter
and I've been
relaxing, you know, and I got them.
I mean, I had so much frosting today that I would test, I would test, I would
test positive.
Uh, I would test positive for frosting.
If you, if you, you know, I think if you, if you took my blood type right now,
I would
probably say Swiss Miss, I would come back positive for Swiss Miss.
I'm just, you know, I got that all in me.
I got that confetti.
Because my nieces made me a cake.
And I'll be honest, these little motherfuckers can't bake shit, dude.
Um, it was, but I ate it, you know, sometimes, and that's another thing.
These children show up with baked goods and you have to eat them.
You know, they, they want you to eat it.
Like, what is it?
It's chocolate chip.
I'm like, it's burnt.
You know, it's, and it looks like a fish stick, but whatever.
That's what's going on, man.
And happy Easter to you guys.
And I remember, you know, I think it's fun, you know, hiding the children's
baskets.
You know, my nieces and nephews, they got all their baskets hidden and they,
you know,
I get