Name: Broken Wedding Leg l This Past Weekend Highlight
Uploaded: 2018-04-03T19:59:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Broken Wedding Leg l This Past Weekend Highlight' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Broken Wedding Leg l This Past Weekend Highlight' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-03. Transcript available.

Theo, this is Jeremy from Jersey. I just want to tell you about my past weekend.
Thank you for calling Jeremy from Jersey, and I'll be in Hasbrook Heights, New
Jersey, in a couple of weeks.
April 20th and 21st at Bananas Comedy Club.
Alright, let's hear more.
On Thursday, I broke my foot playing basketball.
Oh, you broke that foot, huh? So you're down to One Hoof.
They call you One Hoof Jer. Now you're out there storkin'.
Now you can only play center, and you can only play it on one leg.
This ought to be good. Let's hear more.
Here's the kicker. This coming Saturday, I'm getting married.
So you're getting married on that one leg.
Hmm. So you got one foot in. You got one foot out the door already.
That was ridiculously sad. Onward.
My fiancé was not happy about it, to say the least.
Yeah, well, she's not happy about it because you're coming in clumsy.
You know, this is a time when you need to be shining.
This is a time when, if anything, you need to sprout another leg.
You know, or sprout a second cop.
But you're out there, you know, you only got two wheels, and you're blowing one
of them out.
Playing hoops at whatever, 35.
Like, who are you supposed to be?
Huh? You Kevin McHale?
You Muggsy Boggs?
Who are you supposed to be, man?
You know, you ain't, you stunting out there at the YMCA, dog?
Shut it down.
You know, sometimes I see men, you know, 45-year-old men out there skateboarding.
Going off of ramps and shattering their spines.
And I'm like, well, uh, no fucking shit, dude.
Skateboarding's for children.
What if I was still doing finger paints all day in the afternoon?
And you expect me to think, you know, Picasso, that, you know, because these
skateboarder men,
they'll be like, oh, I'm a Tony Hawk fan.
Well, that's great.
But you're not Tony Hawk.
He is.
What you are is a man that's about to probably end up in a wheelchair soon.
And then his wife's going to have to work all the time and make that money.
And you're going to be at home in that chair eating TV dinners.
And that's, you know, and that shit will ruin a marriage.
But anyhow, thanks for calling, Jeremy.
Let's hear more.
It wasn't until about three days in where she started feeling bad for me.
But she's been taking care of me.
So she's definitely a good girl.
Wow.
So it took her three days to feel bad for you.
Yeah, I could imagine that.
Because a woman, dude, the wedding, that's everything.
That's the only, you just have to look good that night.
The next day, you could lose your hair.
You could mail your dick to another country.
You could do anything after that.
But that wedding, that's it.
You got to show up.
You got to have your, if you have tits under your arms, you better give them
haircuts.
That's the night you got to show up, that wedding night.
After that, who cares?
Who cares?
A lot of women don't even care if you go missing after that.
You could, you know, you could disappear on a cruise.
A lot of them don't give a fuck.
You need to show up for that night.
Make it legal.
Make it legit.
So they got that alimony paper coming in.
Y'all need to have the big thing.
Get the pictures.
That's what you got to do.
That's your responsibility as a man.
And you out there fucking shooting hook shots.
You know, out there at the DFW.
Out there at the American Legion.
Playing on a men over 35 year old team, the Rattlers.
We're the Rattlers.
Y'all ain't the fucking Rattlers.
Most of y'all work at the bank.
Okay, so we got to tighten up, Jeremy.
Let's hear more.
So this past weekend was a bad weekend.
Next weekend will be a good weekend.
And then on April 21st, I'm coming to see you at Bananas Comedy with my buddies.
Damn, man.
I feel bad about making fun of you now.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm excited you're coming out to Bananas.
I didn't know that.
I hadn't heard the whole call.
And look, hopefully you'll be better by then.
That's what I'm saying.
You know, obviously your wife is a good lady if she's helping you already after
three days.
It does sound like you got a good woman.
You know, it sounds like, you know, hopefully this is the only time that you
break a foot.
I mean, things happen.
You know, they had a man somewhere.
You know, he was supposed to get married.
And apparently the day before he was supposed to get married,
he married a different woman.
So, at least you're not doing that.
At least you're just breaking your foot.
I mean, you got to look at the bright side, I guess.
But I'll see you in New Jersey.
I don't know if any of that even made any sense, brother.
But I'll see you in New Jersey.
Gang.
Oh, and also, if you got to wear that boot, at least deck that thing out.
You know, I'm out here.
I'm at a crawfish boil today here in Louisiana.
And the first time ever in my life I've seen a man with two.
You ever seen those people that have.
So, sometimes if you hurt a, you know, you break one of your tarsals or you
bust a foot,
you got to wear that boot.
You know, you got that RoboCop unit that big.
It almost looks like you're going snowboarding, but you're not in the snow or
anything.
You're just in a regular area.
And this gentleman, he had two.
He had one on each foot.
So, he just, you know, he was Cupid shuffling everywhere.
And I've never seen that before.
But just be thankful you only broke one foot.
You could have broke your neck.
And now you got to be, you know, now you and your wife got to, you know, your
wife has to,
you know, you're going to be in a, probably in a wheelchair most of your life
or in like a uniform,
you know, a robotic outfit.
So, at least you just broke your foot.
At least you can still stand there and tell your wife you love her.
But at least stand up, even though you only got one leg.
I'd stand up there on one leg.
Because I don't know if, if, if, if, I don't even know if a marriage is binding
if you're on one foot.
You might be able to, you know, loophole your way out of that if you have to.
But she sounds like a good woman and I'll see you in New Jersey.