Name: Named After Meat | This Past Weekend #87
Uploaded: 2018-04-09T13:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Named After Meat | This Past Weekend #87' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Named After Meat | This Past Weekend #87' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-09. Transcript available.

Named After Meat | This Past Weekend #87

All right, April 9th. Good to be here with you guys. Let's go.
That's it.
There you go. That's the original right there.
Mm-hmm.
Gotta get up.
If they're throwing lemons at you, make lemon candy, bruh.
All right, there we are, man. That's Spencer Jacob Growl Band, and that is
Celebrate. Thank you very much.
We have Nick. We'll be back with us in the studio. He's just kicking us off,
and he's checking out now.
So he'll be back in a little bit. I want to thank you guys for being here with
me on this past weekend.
It is April 9th. It's April 9th.
Oh, man. What's going on? I just got back from Tampa.
And I don't know if you've ever been to Tampa, but Tampa is the kind of place
where, first of all, it's a bunch of people that wanted to be pirates, I think,
and then pirating went out of business.
So suddenly, you've got a lot of people that are suddenly just straight up landlocked.
And the zoning is insane.
You will have a dental. You'll have a place where you get dental, and then next
door, strip club.
You know, but strip club will also have, you know, maybe they'll do, you know,
all beef patties out the back.
So, like, everything is possible.
And that's one thing I really enjoyed about it.
You know, you could get, you get a used car and prosthetic limb, same place.
Because the zoning is just, I don't know who did the zoning.
You know, I don't know who did the commercial residential zoning.
You know, you'll have six homeless people living, you know, legally living
right in a supermarket.
And they're trying to, you know, they're out there in the frozen foods, and
they're all wearing, you know, parkas and shit.
And you're trying to get some fish, you know, you're just trying to get some
fish sticks, or, you know, them breaded chicken fillets, and they are trying to
hit you up for a dollar.
You open that frozen food section, and ba-bam, you know, Soily Ronnie pops out.
You know, Soily Ronnie pops out with that dirty hand, and you're trying to
catch that buck off you.
And all you're trying to get is a bag of those frozen carp hitters, you know,
or frozen bass pieces or whatever they're serving, you know, fish sticks.
But yeah, man, they got that wild zoning.
You know, you get used car and prosthetic limb.
So you got a Ford Fiesta with fucking new, you know, you know, new kneecaps in
the back.
And that's Tampa.
Anything's possible in Tampa.
You know, it's like that, and they have crime, but they don't, it's kind of
everywhere a little bit.
And you know, I like, I like a city that have some crime.
Because you know what's, you know what, when a city has crime, you know what's
better?
Uh, the food.
I'll tell you that.
Even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich down there in New Orleans tastes better.
Because you know somebody's getting popped off two or three blocks away.
So your taste buds, you know, they're, they know that this is, you know, this
is life or death situation.
They know that even if you just got a bowl of gazpacho, that this shit could be
your last meal.
So your taste buds, they show up.
You know, they tuxedo up to the top of your tongue, and they're ready to really
embrace whatever's going on.
You know, if you're eating somewhere, you know, you're eating down there in Boca
Raton, or you're eating over in damn, um, you know, some other city or
something.
You know, some fancy place.
You're eating over in Los Angeles, or you're eating over in, uh, where's
another place that's fancy?
Oh, Martha's Vineyard.
Then you, you know, you could probably barely even taste.
You know, you're not alive.
But somebody give you a, you know, a kettle full of, uh, of, of gazpacho in
South Chicago.
That's, that's life or death dining.
Food tastes better in cities where the crime rate is higher.
And I'll say that to the end of time.
Because something, there's just something, it's just something about, you know,
when somebody's just around the corner trying to set you off with a knife.
It just, you know, it adds a little bit more mystique to a pork chop.
It really does.
And, and look, I grew up in that environment where, you know, you, when that
danger's outside,
boy, everything tastes good.
Because that might be your last grip.
That might be your throat and your belly's last grip at sustenance.
And, and I feel like you get a little bit of that in Tampa.
You get that danger.
You know, there's cannons.
They have people that have fucking cannons there.
Not can, I'm not talking cameras.
You'll see a couple homeless dudes or a couple dudes who have homes, but don't
mind looking
homeless.
And they shining up a cannonball.
At a, at a gas station.
You know, it's like, uh, bitch.
It's, you know, 2018.
And you out there polishing sea balls at a fucking sit go.
What's going on?
But that's that pirating lifestyle.
It's a little bit in the bloodstream over there in Tampa.
In Tampa, you find a lot of women, uh, talking on their cell phone, crossing
the street with
no shoes on.
Apparently, you don't have to have shoes in Tampa.
That's, uh, alternate.
You know, that's optional.
Shoes optional.
You know, some places that they say, you know, no shirt, no shoes, no shoes, no
service.
Well, Tampa doesn't say that.
Tampa, it's just like service.
Because some, you know, six out of 11 people aren't going to have shirt and
shoes.
Dude, I got to the airport and I'll say this, man.
Uh, the airport, the new worst airport in America.
Tampa International Airport.
Dude, this fucking thing.
It took 25 minutes to get to the rental car place.
And I was cruising.
I didn't have to wait in line.
It's just, you got to go all the, up these escalators, down these escalators.
You got to take a tram.
You got to take another tram.
A lot of senior citizens, mark my words.
A lot of senior citizens going to die at TPA, Tampa International Airport.
Because they're not thinking about humans.
I mean, if you want to drop off a rental car, bitch.
And you're leaving on Friday, you better, uh, you better show up on Thursday
morning.
Or you will not get to the actual, you won't get to your gate.
Shit was dangerous, man.
It was real, it got real Game of Thrones-y over there around the, around the TSA
area.
But, you know, I'm complaining.
Look, I mean, I'm not complaining.
I mean, I'm celebrating the city.
You know, I had some barbecue.
And, you know, that was pretty good.
Uh, what else did I see over there?
I saw some big old, you know, they got them cancer tits out there in Tampa.
You get a lot of sunburnt breast meat.
So, they got them straight up fucking cancer front bags out there.
You know, you see them, some girl rocking them fucking, them D cups.
You know, but two-thirds of the cup is probably melanoma.
And, you see them rocking that.
And, I'm not condoning breast cancer.
I'm not wishing upon that on anybody.
Even anybody that don't have breasts.
Uh, but, you'll see ladies out there.
Damn, boy.
They, you know, they try, they're wearing shoes that match with their, you know,
with their burn-up chest skin.
Lady look like, in the chest, sometime right between them tits, they look like,
uh, some of these ladies look a little bit like,
have you ever had a thing of French onion soup?
And, then it gets kind of, if you let it sit for too long, that thing gets on
the top, that little bit of layer of, you know,
it just gets a little bit too French on the top.
And, it starts, it gets this little film, like that little layer of, you know,
soup epidermis.
Just like that, but put it right between on the lady's chest.
And, throw a Winston in her jaw.
Throw a big Winston up in Judy's jaw.
So, she huffing on a Winston.
Running with that French onion fucking tit front.
No shoes.
Does have a shirt.
Definite service.
Strip clubs.
Tacos.
Diversity.
That's Tampa.
You know, it's a pirate's life for me.
And, we had the shows at a place called The Attic over there in Ybor City.
And, uh, and if you haven't been to Ybor City, it's wild, man.
It's cool.
It's like, has like this gay thug.
It's like, has a mix, you know.
It's real thug.
But then, a lot of, uh, you know, a lot of gay men and homoerotic people moved
in.
And, you know, started making it fancy.
So, you have both sides of it.
I remember the first time I was in Tampa years ago, this dude ran up on me and
he had a blade
or something, put it right into my side.
He's like, give me all your money and let me hold your dick for a second.
And, I'm like, damn, this is, you know, this is some new kind of crime.
This, that, you know, this, that homoerotic robbery.
So, eventually brought us fucking, ended up, honestly, dude jerked off into a
couple of bucks
and gave him that.
Because, I didn't want to get, you know, I didn't want to get any deeper into
the well.
Sometimes, if somebody asks you for the money, you give them the money.
Because, you know what you got after that?
You got the rest of your life.
And, I had a good time over in Tampa, dude.
I had a good time over there in Tampa.
I want to thank the Attic at Rock Brothers.
Man, I want to thank everybody that came out.
You know, we sold out the shows.
I mean, we had three shows over there and we sold them out.
And, I flew over there, you know, and, you know, I saw Sean Wayans.
He was working at the Improv down the street.
And, he's always a little bit snooty.
But, you know, he kind of said some nice stuff.
And, we showed up over there at Rock Brothers in the Attic.
If you're thinking about doing a show, you're a comedian and you want to do
something or event in Tampa, man.
It's a beautiful little locale.
So, Beach Bums.
I had a volleyball group that came out.
My boy, Dom Nelson.
And, I met him years ago.
We were both doing, judging children's pageants.
And, it was a really kind of a weird time for me.
I got caught up with this group that was, you know, judging children's pageants.
Judging beautiful children up in Minnesota.
And, look, I'm not like that.
I'm not that dude, man.
When I see a kid, you know, I think all children are mostly beautiful.
Sometimes, you get them kids that are too, you know, sometimes if a kid was
born too early.
And, they ain't got a, you know, they don't have a full chin or, it's just like
a neck that just comes up and then makes a U-turn and then just goes back into
their body.
Then, I'm not going to, I'll tell you, honestly, I'm not going to give that
child probably a 10 out of 10.
If we're, you know, doing, judging them or if they, and, but this was a pageant
for Miss Teen USA.
And, I met my buddy Dom up there.
Well, he ended up down in Tampa.
And, they run a thing called Beach Bums Volleyball.
And, I went out there with them and it was awesome.
And, I don't do a lot of sand, you know, stuff on the sand.
You know, I mean, in Louisiana, if you go to the beach, you're going to get
fucking eaten by something or you're going to get malaria.
You know, a lot of people come back from the beach with different diseases when
I grew up.
You know, MRSA, malaria, people get attacked by fucking sand mites.
They had a buddy of mine had a fucking sand mite dug into his rib cage when he
was about 7 or 8.
And, lived in there until he was about probably 18.
And, I think it actually, when I think about it, this boy Darren, the thing
came out of his body on his 18th birthday.
And, if that ain't the Lord working dude, I don't know what is.
But, when you've had a little mite living inside of you, you know, and you're
that fucking insect kennel.
You're growing up your whole life being an insect kennel.
And, then, bam, your 18th birthday, you're ready for new adventures in the
world.
And, today, that dirty little fucking, that dirty little sand mammal, that
little, that mite comes burrowing out between your ribs and says, look, man, I'm
going to let you go on.
And, I'm going to go my way.
And, thank you for the ride.
And, that's, I mean, that's beautiful, man.
That's beautiful.
We got a great show for you here today, I think.
You know, we're going to try something a little different.
I'm going to keep talking about some things.
I got some things I want to ta