Name: Dead Man's Curve | This Past Weekend #88
Uploaded: 2018-04-16T12:55:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dead Man's Curve | This Past Weekend #88' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dead Man's Curve | This Past Weekend #88' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-16. Transcript available.

Dead Man's Curve | This Past Weekend #88

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All right.
It's Monday, April 16th.
It's Monday, April 16th.
This is some day, man.
It's another day that these, that the sun and the moon and whoever else made
Poseidon, Transformers, Voltron, everybody.
Everybody making it happen.
Everybody making it happen.
Oh, good to be here with you guys.
I, I just, let's get into it.
I just got back from, uh, from my hometown.
You know, I was down there in Covington, Louisiana down there.
And, man, we were shooting a pilot for this, for this project.
It's like a low-key small-town detective series.
So, you know, big-time shows, they have like dateline murder mystery.
You got to really murder somebody.
You got to, you know, you got to chop off somebody's arm or steal somebody's
wig or, but with their head hooked to it.
To really make that, you know, to make a real crime.
But in this show that we were pitching, it's more about small-town mystery,
crime, paranormal.
You know, the kind of shit that, you know, you don't know what happened.
You know what I'm saying?
You played hide-and-go-seek and, uh, one dude y'all never found.
But if you go out in the woods at night, you can still hear him counting.
You know, that kind of stuff.
Somebody stole a pie off of somebody's windowsill.
And then suddenly everybody had diabetes in the whole town.
You know, a bunch of lice came through.
And, uh, and things got crazy.
A bunch of lice came through and they made it with termites.
And next thing you know, they had people, um, you know, they had little bugs
that were eating houses and, um, making people itch.
So it's that kind of show where you go into small towns and you investigate
what could be happening.
So that's what I did, man.
I just got back today.
And we had a good time.
We had a good time, uh, down there in Covington, Louisiana.
And what have you guys been up to, man?
What have you guys been up to?
What have you been up to in your life?
What's going on?
Somebody had a birthday this weekend.
You know, sometimes things happen so fast.
I don't need, it's like, and I don't know if it's because I'm older.
Or because you get used to doing things.
But things happen so fast, it's like I can't even, it's not that I can't enjoy
them.
It's just that, I don't know, I guess I've just gotten used to them.
You know, it used to be, remember when you first went over to somebody's house
for a birthday party?
Huh, you remember that?
Remember it was like, oh, um, you know, Kenneth is having a party and you got
an invitation.
Remember that shit?
You got an invitation?
And that shit said, Kenneth's house.
Or if his parents were divorced, you'd be like, Kenneth's dad's house.
1 p.m.
2, 2 p.m.
That shit only lasted an hour.
When you were a kid, boy, that shit lasted one hour.
And dude, you got up early.
You got up early as hell.
And a lot of times, if we had to get somebody a gift, what my mom would do is
say, look around the house.
Find something Kenneth would like.
And that was like a test as to how greedy you were or not.
Because you know good and well, I'm not giving Kenneth a nice shit.
You know good and well I ain't giving little, little, uh, little itchy ass
Kenneth the good shit.
I'm not giving him a new toy that I hadn't opened or, you know, some money or
anything.
So I go around the house, bruh.
Come back to my mama about maybe an hour later.
Have something all just in a little box or bag.
My mom looking there, it would just be like my bed sheet.
Just fold it up.
I'd be like, this is for Kenneth.
My mom would be like, what the fuck?
You giving Kenneth a bed sheet?
That's insane.
Go find something else for Kenneth.
And you would do something wild.
You would maybe break Kenneth off a couple cheese slices or something.
You know, or maybe something, uh, you know, you wrap him up a couple of
batteries or something.
It was just different.
You'd find anything around the house.
Oh, Kenneth will love this, uh, Phillips head screwdriver.
You know, the next thing you know, four-year-old Kenneth out there with a
Phillips head.
It just, those were the days.
But remember that when you went to somebody's party?
You were like, mom, is it time to go yet?
She'd be like, no, it's 9 a.m.
You'd be like, oh, fuck.
What comes after 9?
1 p.m.?
And she'd be like, no.
No wonder you wrapped up a bed sheet for Kenneth.
But that was it.
You were so excited.
You would brush, dude.
You would brush your hair.
You would comb your hair and brush your hair.
I remember combing and brushing my shit.
Putting that hairspray, dude.
Because I grew up in the hairspray belt.
You know, you fix all, everybody put hairspray on everything.
You know, sometimes if your carpet got real old and mashed down.
I remember in my neighborhood, a lot of mothers would go around with like a Brillo
brush kind of.
And brush it up.
And then spray it with hairspray.
To give it that pop.
You know, to give you a step.
That give you, you know, put a little bit of, it will put a little bit of
crunch under your bare foot in the house.
But it would give your carpet that lift.
Make it look fresh and new.
Right off that carpet truck.
Because they also had, if you wanted to get carpet, they had a carpet truck.
About every six months come through.
And it would park up there off of Lee Road.
Down by where I was from.
And you'd go up there and pick a color out.
And they'd have three or four colors.
You know, maybe get you.
One of the colors would always be fucking crazy.
You'd be like, damn, they got a.
They got a fuchsia.
So, but you know, a couple sisters come through and grab that fuchsia out of
the gate.
A couple brothers or a couple loked out white dudes come through.
And they put carpet in their fucking car.
I mean, it wasn't crazy when I was young to get into somebody's car and have it
fully covered in carpet.
I mean, it was just a different time back then.
It was just more of a style thing.
But yeah, you remember that birthday party?
And then there was fucking Kenneth's gift.
And that thing was sitting on the table.
And man, all morning you had to walk around and pretend just, you were like,
fuck, man.
Why Kenneth getting everything?
And I ain't getting nothing.
And by about 11 a.m., that's what your mom would be hearing.
I never get anything.
Kenneth gets everything.
And meanwhile, you don't even fucking know who Kenneth is.
You were one of those second or third degree friends that you just got.
You know, that was back when you got invited because you had to.
You know, that was like the old Facebook, four-year-old birthday parties.
It was like you had to know people.
You had no escape.
So, 11 a.m., you crying now in the living room.
Kenneth's shit is all wrapped up.
You can't even remember what you got him.
You didn't fucking get him shit.
You gave him a couple color pencils that you had.
You know, and maybe a yo-yo.
Y'all got a little 40-cent yo-yo or something.
Put it in there.
Meanwhile, you don't even know Kenneth, the dude in your class, ain't even got
any arms.
So, now you fucking getting an armless kid a yo-yo, but you're not even there
yet.
So, you crying.
You pissed off.
Your mom's pissed off now.
She's yelling, fuck Kenneth.
Fuck Kenneth's party.
And now you're defending yourself.
You're defending Kenneth.
Kenneth, his mom is a nice lady.
Now, your mom's pissed at Kenneth's mom.
Your mom starts whooping your ass because you're crying and screaming and
fighting in the living room.
Now, you got your ass beat.
Ow.
You cry yourself to sleep.
You take about a 40-minute nap.
It's 20 to 1.
You get up.
It's time to go to Kenneth's.
And you get to Kenneth's.
And, man, the place is lit.
The place is lit as fuck.
People got Kool-Aid all colored on their mouth from drinking Kool-Aid.
They got that one 4-year-old kid.
He can't even fucking talk yet.
You know, they got another.
They got one kid sitting by themselves just looking at the wall.
They got that kid, little Andrea.
You know, and they just living life.
And somebody's in the backyard and somebody ran and, you know, they got a
sprinkler fucking going.
And it's a real shithole.
But it don't matter because this is Kenneth's party.
And those are the days, man.
I remember those days.
And we would go to this place called Roller Kingdom.
Now, sometime, whenever you got about six or seven, you know, you was able to
skate.
You had that ability to skate.
And so, you go to straight up Roller Kingdom, man.
It was dark in there.
People touching each other's assholes and everything.
All kind of wild shit.
I mean, it's so dark, you fucking, you'll, you know, you'll lick your sister's
titty in there.
And that's natural activity out there when you, because look, man, when roller
skates come on, that shit got me hard, bro.
I was that little jouster out there on them skates, dude.
I'll just be jousting with an erect, you know, I'll be out there just skating,
but with that erection.
And when you're young and you get that erection, boy, I don't kind of hide it.
Now, if I get an erection, I'm like, oh, somebody's going to complain or start
something.
But when I was young, over there by Roller Kingdom, and I'm popping off, you
know, and I'm sprouting, I'll push my pelvis forward, boy.
I skate penis first, boy.
I want everybody to see that I'm here to battle the dragon.
And that's how I do it.
And those were fun, man.
I remember little kids' parties.
Dude, one kid's house I went over to, I was just about hit pervert.
I went over to this one boy's house.
And I didn't even go to the fucking party.
The party's in the backyard.
I saw his sister's bedroom.
Dude, I stopped in there.
Had my head in her panty drawer, bro.
Dude, I had my face in that panty drawer for probably, fuck, that whole hour.
That whole hour birthday.
Because you know, come about 1.55 p.m., boy, I heard my mom calling from the
living room or honking.
My mom was that fucking mom that would pull up and honk.
Start honking.
She didn't give a fuck about meeting your mom.
She didn't give a damn about meeting your dad.
She was like the only single mom.
So then all these dads were always trying to meet her and shit and walk me out
to the car.
My mom didn't give a fuck.
My mom wouldn't even stop the car sometimes.
She'd slow down, as slow as a car could go, you know, which is maybe about, you
know, 40 feet every maybe seven seconds.
She would slow down, as slow as 