Name: Never Too Late | This Past Weekend #90
Uploaded: 2018-04-23T13:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Never Too Late | This Past Weekend #90' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Never Too Late | This Past Weekend #90' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-23. Transcript available.

Never Too Late | This Past Weekend #90

Let's go.
Oh, yeah, this will make her put your mother's panties on, won't it, boy?
It's that dirty baby.
This will make you pour hot water on your titties.
Ooh.
Come on, Stevie.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
Man.
So don't hesitate to come over.
Why must we wait when we're alive?
Take my time.
Wow, what a hit, though, man.
Honestly, when you think about that, when you think that, you know, it's never
too late.
And I've talked about this before, but I need this today.
I needed it.
It's never too late to come over.
Why must we wait when we're alive?
And that's a great question.
You know, I hold myself back from a lot of things because I don't want to make
that initial move.
You know, I don't want to make that attempt.
I get caught up in my feelings.
And I get sidetracked from doing what's best for me.
Even though this is the only time I get to do it.
When I'm alive.
Sometimes I will pass up on the opportunity to do something good for myself.
Like, I'm going to come back a million times.
Like, oh, man, I'm like, you know.
Oh, I'm going to, you know, I'll go swim in this.
I'll swim in this pool that has a lot of bleach in it.
Don't matter.
You know, I'll take this hit of dope.
Don't matter.
You know, I'll take an extra pain pill while I babysit my children.
Don't matter.
But the truth is, man, there's instances where, those instances are it.
Making that choice.
To say, hey, man, it's, I got to come over right now.
Knock, knock.
I'm coming over.
Because I can't, there's not another, I'm alive right now.
And right now is when I need to make some good choices for myself.
Oh, fuck, I had a long weekend.
Good to be here with you guys.
I'm sure that you may have as well.
And I appreciate you being here with me.
If you're watching on the YouTube, the background is different today.
All kinds of shit has been haywire.
We got the Greyhound breakdown in, though.
This young man, he stood us up last time.
I'll be honest.
Dude straight up stood us up.
And then today, we're supposed to interview him, 3 p.m.
And this is, and he said, five minutes till three.
Ah, can't make it.
Some stuff came up.
He tells that to my producer, to our producer, Chris.
I mean, I was upset.
I was upset because, for one, well, you know, we pay Chris and Nick to come.
I came over.
And we're there waiting.
And we're excited.
You know, we're excited.
So then that kind of lowers our excitement.
And he reached out to us originally when we're looking for a Greyhound driver.
So I texted him.
I said, hey, man, you know, we really want you.
And we texted for a minute, and then he agreed to come on over.
And I think he was maybe nervous.
And he's a nice kid.
Nice young man.
He's a driver, bro.
Greyhound.
Thanks for going hound.
And we did that episode today.
And that'll be out later this week.
So thank you, guys.
Man, it was interesting, for sure.
Sweet God.
But, you know, I had an instance this weekend, man.
I went to New Jersey.
And let me say this, man.
Some of the nicest people I've met.
You know, New York always gives New Jersey this rub.
Like they're not good.
You know, they're schmucks.
So they're, you know, just a bunch of hairspray, you know, test 200 junkies.
Just a bunch of people in the gym, you know, bench pressing each other and
hiding calzones in their ass.
You know, they get a lot of that vibe.
But, look, man, all I found was a lot of good people.
Some good people came out.
You know, people, they had people that were, you know, one girl stopped me on
the way out of the show.
And she just said, I just wanted to thank you so much for coming.
She says, you know, I have anxiety sometimes like you do.
And, you know, you just explained it in a way that makes me feel, you know,
that makes me feel that you explained it in a way that is the same way that I
would explain it.
And she said, I appreciate that.
And, man, that just hit me right in the heart, you know.
It just hit me right in the heart.
You know, because you just, I don't know.
I just felt a lot of connection.
A lot of people that came out and just wanted to connect for a minute.
And, man, we had the show.
The show's good.
Look, I work hard on my job.
And when you come to my show, I'm going to do my job.
You know, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability.
And we just had some nice.
Look, and I got there.
I'll tell you this, man.
When I got to this fucking place, Bananas, it's called Bananas Comedy Club.
So I'm thinking this place is going to have a lot of prestige.
You know, it's historical.
I get there.
This motherfucker's in a Holiday Inn.
Okay?
A Holiday Inn, which is basically a Ramada, but with green and white and a
little bit nicer curtains.
And, you know, Ramada is where people get murdered or drugs or where they have
a lot of those interventions that you see on A&E.
Dude, they don't show you a lot of the signs, but a lot of times it's a Ramada
or a Clarion.
Or Hyatt Regency sometimes if it's a brother on there or a sister.
So now they meet at a Hyatt Regency.
But anyhow, or a Crown Plaza.
Crown.
Crown Plaza.
But anyhow, you know, and I got there and I was fucking pissed, man.
I'm like, this club, you know, they don't have a lot of social media.
You know, they don't have anything.
And I'm coming in here.
And I'm putting ads out.
I'm spending money to put ads online.
Just, you know, trying to do my best to get the grind.
And I was mad.
Because you know why I was mad?
Because I felt like I'm doing all the work.
And I come there and this, you know, like the staff was great and everything.
And it's not a bad place.
It has a ton of history.
It's been there forever.
But, you know, it was just, it wasn't, it was just a, they rented out a banquet
room for the evening.
But I was in a bad mood, man.
I was just fucking pissed.
You know, I was pissed, I guess, because, you know, honestly, I'm like, man,
this was a gig I would have gone, hopefully gone to, you know, 10 years ago
when I'm starting out.
And you start thinking, you know, that, I guess you start getting a little, in
your brain somewhere you get a little too big for your britches.
Or your ego spikes up.
My ego's like, oh, you better, and you, you know, you should be, you know, you
should.
But the truth is, man, and I texted Jay Moore, actually.
I was texting Jay Moore, dude, because, you know, strange rabbits jump together.
And I said, man, I'm just, I'm pissed, dude.
And he said, he texted back, he said, man, you get, you agreed to do the deal.
You get paid to make people laugh.
Go do your job.
And it was what I needed to hear, man.
At the last moment, I did not want to admit that that's what I needed to hear.
But that's what I decided, you know.
It's never too late, man, you know.
I've been pissed all day.
I've been angry that I was, you know, doing a lot of the extra work.
I was doing a lot of the heavy lifting.
And they were making a lot of the money.
And it just, I just wanted things to be more fair, you know.
And so, but, but once I heard that from Jay, man, honestly, it just kind of
changed me up.
You know, and I said, whatever goes on right now, tonight, tomorrow night, it's
up to my attitude.
You know, they got people coming out who want to spend time.
They got people coming out that want to laugh.
You know, I saw some couples come out.
You know, I met a gal.
Her name is Gina.
My mother's name, Gina.
You know, I saw a lot of some Italians.
You know, and I, you know, my mother's father was, he was Italian.
This dude was Italian as fuck.
Wife beaters only.
And had one of those small combs that you comb your hair straight back with.
There's only one direction to comb your hair.
And that's straight back.
And that's full Italian.
And it reminded me a little bit of my history.
And next thing you know, it's like I'm caught up in, I'm caught up in the
positive things.
You know, because I changed my perspective.
When I left my room and I went down to the club, because the fucking club, dude.
I mean, they got doors opening in and out this shit.
They got a wedding going on next door.
I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
But you know what?
Nobody cared about that.
Nobody in the audience, all they cared about was that they came to have a good
time.
And so when I showed up and I, and that's what my goal was, man, I felt, I felt
good.
Because if I show up the other way and I'm angry and I'm thinking about, you
know, work or I'm thinking about, you know, that, that I'm not being treated
fairly or something.
You know, if I'm thinking about that kind of stuff, then I ruin that.
Then I ruin it for, then I, then I contribute to not making it a good
experience.
It's for everybody.
And that's the thing.
You just never know when you're, when how you show up.
When you park your car at work, you fucking pissed.
You hate that dude, Randall, that works in the next stall or whatever.
Or you hate fucking fat Jerry, you know, because he don't wear, you know, he
don't wear any powder or something under, on his skin.
And he got dirty skin.
All of that shit, you know.
If you got to leave that, even if it's at the last minute, man, when you want
to tell somebody to go fuck themselves, you got to leave it.
It's never too late to come over, man.
Let's listen to that end bit one more time.
So don't hesitate to come over.
Why must we wait when we're alive?
Why must we wait when we're alive?
I didn't wait, man.
I showed up and I had the, and I had, I had honestly a great weekend.
I mean, I left, my heart was full, man.
Dude, this is how my night ended.
Saturday night, I'm sitting out on the bench with some guy, a beautiful little
guy.
And I say little guy, but he's, you know, this dude's the ultimate package.
Five foot, looked like Rudy Rudiger, bro.
The whole time he was talking, all I saw him doing was getting one sack at
Notre Dame in the last game ever.
And, and we were just talking about, he said his dad died of cancer a couple
years ago and we were just talking about it.
We were just thinking about it and talking about it.
And, you know, my dad passed a cancer, dude.
And it was like, you know, he was old.
He's 87, bro.
You know, anything could have got him.
You know, a strong wind could have took him down.
But, you know, next thing you know, I was sitting there and I was connecting
with somebody and we just had a good conversation.
And I just met some good people, man.
I met so many good people.
It's, it was something else.
What else, man?
Thank you guys for being here.
You know, thank you guys for being here this past weekend.
It is Monday and it's April 23rd.
What's going on?
I got, I, what's going on?
Let me think about what's going on.
Yeah, I've just been feeling just, I guess, you know, I didn't take my medicine.
Yesterday.
And so, and then I didn't take it today because I was on a plane all morning.
And I guess I may be whining, but, you know, and then I've been at the studio
for about four or five hours.
And so, I've just been in a tough, just been in a tough mood.
You know, and it's just hard, man.
When you don't take your medicine, you're kind of dependent upon that.
It takes a lot of correcting to do.
It takes a lot.
You got to correct yourself often.
You know, you got to refocus because things get blurry.
But I'm happy to be here with you guys today, man.
In some ways, I haven't really been taking that great care of myself.
You know, I got kind of lonely, I guess, on Friday and ended up, you know, jerking
out, dude.
Spraying out full, you know, doing that full body sauce.
You know, making that self sauce in my room.
And I didn't want to, man.
You know, that's the crazy part.
You know, when I was young, I wanted to jerk off.
You know, if I saw somebody, anybody.
It could be a hitchhiker, dude.
I'd be driving down the road.
If I even saw a hitchhiker, I would just jerk off in my passenger seat, you
know.
Even if they weren't in the car or nothing.
You know, just as like a sign of respect.
You know what I'm saying?
Anything.
I would masturbate at anything.
A full moon,