Name: Stepdaddy's Sandwich | This Past Weekend #92
Uploaded: 2018-04-30T13:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stepdaddy's Sandwich | This Past Weekend #92' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stepdaddy's Sandwich | This Past Weekend #92' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-30. Transcript available.

Stepdaddy's Sandwich | This Past Weekend #92

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block, get that hitter.
Alright, today's episode is brought to you by The Ridge.
The Ridge is a minimalist front pocket wallet that helps you re-evaluate your
everyday carry.
What's in your carry? Have you thought about that?
What you got a little, one of them small jars of olives?
What you got a couple of, you know, domestic dispute tickets?
What you got? Pissing in public citation?
What is part of your everyday carry? Credit cards? Condoms? You know, different
stuff?
All kind of stuff. Recipes, hotel keys, you know, small items that can fit in a
wallet.
But aren't you sick of that?
Well, now The Ridge is a minimal front pocket wallet that's designed to let you
ditch your bulky rear little butt hump.
Look at that thing. Oh, what does that guy have? Is that a tumor?
No, that's a bulky wallet.
The Ridge wallet is slim. RFID blocking and lifetime guaranteed.
So that means if you die, dude, you can't get a new one.
But if you don't die, you can get a new one if something happens to the one you
have.
It's the last wallet you'll ever buy.
I'm rocking my front pocket, son.
No more reaching into my ass to get something.
That's insane.
It comes in titanium, carbon fiber, and aluminum, and polycarbonate.
And they also have dope ass Ridge backpacks and other Ridge accoutrements.
So Ridge up.
Go to RidgeWallet.com slash Theo.
The link will be below.
That's RidgeWallet.com slash Theo.
And use the promo code Theo for 10% off.
You know, I once stood shirtless with Dan the Man Cummings, overlooking the
African Serengeti.
And I asked him a question about something or other, and he talked for about an
hour about it.
Chatted, chatted.
And I left that conversation feeling fulfilled to the max about whatever I'd
asked him about.
And I like to think that Dan turned that African moment into today, what is a
juggernaut podcast.
But the truth is that he always had it in him.
If the internet had him a Jellin, that man Jellin is the human squirrel, Dan
Cummings.
His podcast, Time Suck, takes you on a weekly delve beneath the layers,
thoroughly exploring and explaining a single listener-suggested topic each
Monday
in his own irreverent and entertaining style.
Everything from menthol cigarettes, bees with autism, historical events,
Loch Ness mice, paranormal encounters, conspiracy theories, cryptozoology, and
more.
Nothing is off-limits from Big Dan and that Time Suck.
Nothing, not even your stepmom.
If it's interesting, it's Time Suckable.
So have some fun and learn something new with Time Suck each and every week.
You'll love Dan just as much as I did in Africa and in other countries, but
just as friends.
It's time you know as much as you can about things.
Check out Time Suck podcast.
All right.
Come with me here.
I'm here.
Are you?
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my
home.
Come on now.
Hey-ya.
Hmm.
Patch that thing up.
Brain work.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Come on.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
Oh, I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let
myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
Woo!
I'll sit and tell you my story.
Shine on me.
Woo!
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
Woo!
Shine your light on me.
I'll find that song and I will sing it just for you.
Thank you guys so much for being here.
It is, who knows when it is, man.
It's existence.
That's what it is.
That's when it is.
That is a song called Shine and the band is called Bishop Gun.
Bishop Gun and they are a new band and you can check them out.
The links to their iTunes and that and YouTube and stuff.
And they have that new single out.
And I have a relationship to this band.
When I was in college and out of high school, my best friend actually had a,
his brother-in-law owned a farm up in Natchez, Mississippi.
And actually it was, it was right along the Mississippi River the farm was.
But the family lived in Natchez or Natchez as some people say it.
And Natchez is just this dirty little sultry taffy box just nestled in an elbow
crook of the Mississippi River up there.
And it's just got so many skeletons in its closet.
You could fucking smell the bone marrow from 200 miles outside of town.
But it's, I would go up there in the summers and I would stay with this family
and I would work on their farm.
And I would do farm stuff, you know, I'd move seed, I'd fertilize, I'd chew
tobacco, I'd stand around and think about the weather.
We would look, we would shoot, shoot at snakes after lunch.
We would eat, eat really big tomatoes.
What else would we do?
I painted, I fucking ruined a bunch of shit.
I broke a truck.
I lost probably about $2,000 worth of tools into a huge, like kind of a huge
little pond.
Yeah, just did it all, you know, young work.
And the man had a family and he had a wife and three children and I got to know
the family well over the years.
And the man died.
My buddy died.
His name was Richard Sharp.
And he passed away.
He suffered from addiction.
And I don't think I'm, you know, letting ghosts out of his lamp.
I think that's okay.
But he was a good friend of mine and he was somebody that I admired, you know,
he was more of a mentor in a way, but, but he had three sons and one of them
now has a band.
And, and he's the drummer in this band called Bishop Gun.
And that is, that's their single right there that just came out.
And that song is called Shine.
Shine it, baby.
So, so anyway, if you want to check that out, you can, but, but I'm just so
proud of the young fella and, and, and I know his father would be very proud of
him as well and is wherever he is.
Thank you guys for being here with me, man.
It is, it's Monday, it's April 30th and, and this is it.
We are here.
We are here again in, in the timeline of existence in the year 2018 out here in
the universe.
And, and I, what have I been doing, man?
I, I, I went to, to Maui.
I went to Maui and got some of that sunshine.
Dude, I don't know if you've ever been to Hawaii or Maui or any of this, you
know, but first of all, everybody goes to bed at like nine o'clock at night.
So, you wake up at fucking 6.30 in the morning and you're fresh.
Like you were like, it's like you're a regular person.
I went to bed at nine o'clock at night, two nights in a row.
And I hadn't done that since, since probably junior high school.
When was the last time you went to bed at nine o'clock?
No, I go to bed at one o'clock after masturbating and after laying there in my
own shame.
That is more my pattern.
So, to go to bed at nine, I mean, if anybody, nobody's awake past nine o'clock
on the whole island.
Like you don't, I mean, unless they're burglars and it's just burglars, just
talking to other burglars, I guess, outside.
Because nobody else, natural, regular humans, non-burglars are awake.
And man, it's just relaxing.
It was just relaxing, man.
Got to spend some time over there, you know, with this little gal.
You know, I've been spending a little bit of time here and there.
And what, dude, caught some sunshine.
And dude, you get out in the ocean out there and it's just, that's salty.
It's like a big fucking salty dog just licking at your whole body.
I mean, it just, the ocean is just a big, just a big, damp, salty tongue just
wandering around up in all of your crevasses, you know.
Just washing you and fucking just, I mean, you get that salt water in your
brain
and it just takes away all of the dirty thoughts and all of the dark arts that
have just been coagulating in your sound holes.
When it gets, you know, when that water gets in your ears and you got the sun,
man.
When you feel, when the sun hits you there, you can just feel the Lord just
touching your titties with his, with his UV arms.
And it is, I mean, it was awesome.
If you have not been, because I always thought Hawaii, man, fuck them.
You know, it's people out there, you know, molesting fish and, you know, you
know, eating, you know, fresh pineapple.
But outside of that, just molesting fish and, you know, and hiding, you know,
hiding in like a place that's like a fake Vietnam.
You know, kind of like a fancy Vietnam, but without all the action.
But the truth is, you get over there on that island or any of them, I think.
And, but Maui is where I was and you just, oh man.
You, you, I just felt, I felt peaceful.
I felt peaceful.
And then to go get a coffee in the morning, I, man, I had a piece of fish over
there.
I had some, I don't know what it was, tuna.
Some tuna sashimi.
And sashimi, that shit is straight up ninja style.
It's like a ninja just ran up on a, you know, maybe a fish was waiting at the
bank or something, waiting in line.
And then a ninja just came in and just, just, and next thing you know, you got
nine little, just grams of sashimi.
And some people, you know, it's just fresh cut little chunks.
Dude, this fish was so fresh, dude.
I mean, they had, you could see other fish.
Like we were sitting by this restaurant, you know, looking out on the water.
There's other fish still looking for this fish.
Like he just left the group.
Like he just swam off.
And next thing you know, the chef was out there on a cigarette break, snatch,
skin, and then bam, sashimi.
And I put a chunk in my jaw and then eat the rest.
Some people, they get their sashimi, they have it piece at a time, piece at a
time, piece at a time, piece at a time.
Fuck that, bro.
I ain't no wuss, dude.
When it come to putting down fresh fish, son, man, my hands, I get going fast
on that shit.
You know, I get out there.
Boy, I got that carp oil tunnel.
You feel me?
Because I got that, you know, I do that, you know, I fucking put, you know, I
feel that fish up.
And I put a chunk in my jaw.
I put two hits of that sashimi in my jaw.
And then I'll have the rest natural, face first.
But man, it was beautiful.
And I never thought Hawaii, you know, you always hear about Hawaii, but I'm
like, oh, everybody likes Hawaii.
You know, it's everybody.
It's something everybody does.
But man, Maui is where it's at.
If you want to go feel something, and if you want to wake up refreshed, damn, I
felt like sashimi in the morning.
I just felt refreshed.
And so that was a beautiful thing.
That was awesome.
What else is going on?
They had, you know, they had this, I saw this news thing where they were making
fun at the White House dinner or whatever.
They're making fun of the Sarah Huckabee Sanders, you know, the correspondence
lady.
And some of this shit, but like, are we supposed to, we are supposed to make
fun of women.
We're not supposed to make fun of women.
Like, what's okay?
Because I'm, it's like, some of this shit just makes me mad.
You know, and I don't know if it makes me mad, but it's like, it's all just
situational based.
Are we really trying to move forward as a group of people?
You know, I look at that lady.
I don't care what political party she's with.
But I look at the lady.
She seems, you know, you know, she's kind of a little bit of, she might be a
little homely looking, but she, you know, I look at her and be like, I'm just,
you know, I'm excited for a woman has this job.
It's exciting, right?
That's what I feel like I'm, you know, as progress, you know, feeling
progressive that that's what I'm supposed to think.
I'm supportive that, you know, a woman is the face of politics or a face of,
you know, things people are talking about or, you know, that's exciting, right?
But then you have other women bash.
It's just, what are we doing?
Are we moving forward or it's just pick and choose?
It's only move forward when you want to move forward.
You know, it's just like, I don't know.
That shit just makes me upset.
Because I look at that lady and I say, look, I'm happy for this lady.
You know, it's nice to see a regular looking lady out there.
You know, she ain't a, you know, she a