Name: Murderer | This Past Weekend Highlight
Uploaded: 2018-05-02T15:19:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Murderer | This Past Weekend Highlight' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Murderer | This Past Weekend Highlight' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-02. Transcript available.

Hey yo Theo, this is Matt from New England.
Matt from New England.
And that's almost British.
Straight up.
Nobody ever talks about that shit.
So, onward.
I work at a drunk tank, alright?
And I work the third...
Drunk tank?
Like, what do you mean?
Like Dave and Buster's?
I don't even know what that is.
Let's hear more.
Third shift, you know, the graveyard shift.
So I see the craziest of the crazies.
So basically, last weekend, I go in...
Hold on, let me look this up.
Drunk tank.
Is it a prison?
Oh, yep.
A large prison cell for the detention of drunks.
Bang, bang.
Well, you know who you ain't taking care of?
Is my boy Jack, who's got 75 days sober.
But let's hear more, Matt.
To my chef, to relieve my co-worker.
And my co-worker's telling me that she had a gentleman there earlier,
who was obviously intoxicated, saying that he was in the mafia.
He's been traveling around the country, state to state.
He's been killing people.
Hmm.
So she said she had a man there that was a self-proclaimed serial killer.
But do the...
You know what?
Already, I'm like, do the good killers say they're killers?
It seemed like if you're real good at something, you're more low-key about it,
especially if it is, you know, ending other people's existences.
But that's just me.
Let's hear more.
No, and he's been getting away with it.
And he's telling this to my co-worker.
And he is well over the limit.
He's about two, three times over the limit at this point.
And she's like an older woman.
You know, she's defenseless, basically.
And he's like, I will come back here and find you if you tell anybody.
Damn, this shit's making me mildly erect, dude.
I'm not even joking.
I'm starting to feel a little bit of thump down in my dump.
Let's hear more.
She goes, oh, no big deal.
I'm not a cop.
You know, I'm not going to tell anyone.
Well, I come into work, and of course, she tells me this.
I'm like, oh, you've been talking to a serial killer for a couple hours.
That's great.
You know, and that's the thing.
Every time a woman feels like they're about to get serial killed,
who do they come to?
Men.
Okay?
You know, everybody wants equal opportunity,
but nobody wants to deal with serial killers themselves.
Look, if you want to help us, then help us at all times.
Don't just come around, ladies,
when you want defense from possible future murder of yourself
by someone else, by a serial killer.
Help us at all times, or be friends always.
Let's hear more.
That's just part of the job.
A couple hours later,
because this guy was released to a sober party,
he comes back.
So you released an assumed serial killer?
This is all over the place.
More?
The police bring him back for going to another bar
and getting rowdy again.
So I have to talk to the serial killer, allegedly.
He seems like a normal dude.
You know, so he's brought into a...
That's their trick.
He ain't gonna talk to you and be juggling knives,
you know, and hide in cyanide, you know,
and, you know, have a cyanide recipe on his jacket.
That's their trick, Matthew,
is that they don't...
You're not supposed to know they're serial killers.
That's what I'm thinking, man.
If I'm drunk in a place and there's a lady there
and she's the guard or whatever,
fuck yeah, I'm gonna tell her I'm a serial killer.
What else are you gonna do?
You're bored, probably.
You're used to being at the bar having fun.
More?
Into a...
From a police vehicle
and then there's another cop car behind him as backup.
So I...
This guy, he's been drinking more.
He's actually, like, so over the limit
I have to send him to the hospital.
So I send him to the hospital
and I ask one of the officers to stay back
so I can talk to him.
And I tell him what my co-worker told me.
He's been going around the country.
He's been killing people.
And I told him that, you know,
he would come back and harm us
if he found out.
So the cops said,
oh, I'll just look into his criminal history
and, you know, we'll see where it goes from there.
So once I go back inside,
I realize how much of a fucking idiot I am.
Now I'm so paranoid.
I'm having trouble sleeping.
I'm looking at the security camera.
I'm at work right now.
I'm looking at the cameras.
I'm seeing this car going up and down the street.
This red Jeep.
I've been seeing it all night, Theo.
And I don't know what the fuck to do.
Look, I'll tell you what to do, man.
Get your life up.
Okay, you out here.
You know, I love you, brother.
But listen, first of all,
you said a senior citizen lady.
Okay, and I respect senior citizens.
But a lot of them, you know,
they're just starting to bother everybody.
And a senior citizen lady told you
that there's a killer.
She met a killer.
You know, and first of all,
all women say that.
I'm dating this guy.
He seems like he could be a serial killer.
That's half the dudes out there.
We had a guy called up last week.
Fucking might have killed a lady.
And try to use our episode as an alibi.
Said he took a lady out.
She got wasted.
He hasn't seen her in two days
or heard from her.
He has her phone and some other shit.
Dude, I'm dumb.
And I know that that is probably murder.
So look, man, you're telling me
and then you're scared.
You got the lady drunk.
The man's drinking more.
You let the dude go out to drink more.
And now you're trying to square off with him
and talk to him?
Bro, that dude might be a murderer.
Let him sober up and see what he can do.
Y'all trying to,
you guys are hanging back and tailing a drunk guy.
How hard is it?
The dude's three times over the legal limit.
He's in a red Jeep.
Going where?
Just going back and forth
and reverse in a parking spot.
That dude's fucked up.
Do we have any knives on him?
Frisk that motherfucker.
Frisk him, dude.
Check him.
Check his ass for blades, dude.
What's going on?
You know, if you are,
I couldn't tell if you were an officer or not, Matt,
but look,
y'all shooting people out there,
shoot this dude.
Shoot him.
He doesn't seem like he'll even care.
But good luck out there, dude.
If you don't get murdered,
call us back in two months
and just leave one voicemail that says,
hey, it's Matt.
I didn't get murdered.
But be good to yourself, man.
I'm sorry to get savage with you there,
but I haven't eaten.
Dude, I only had one freaking little thing
out of a damn machine.