Name: Think Differently | This Past Weekend #93
Uploaded: 2018-05-07T13:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Think Differently | This Past Weekend #93' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Think Differently | This Past Weekend #93' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-07. Transcript available.

Think Differently | This Past Weekend #93

This episode as always is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block Pizza,
it's that comfortable Italian, you know, regularity that's beautiful that you
put into your face.
You can get all types of different toppings, everything, special types of pies.
And they also have the famous salad pizza.
You like salad? You like pizza? Well, guess what? Both of you's can enjoy
yourself. Gray Block, get that it out.
All right, man. Welcome and lady. Welcome. Let's go.
I'm popping right back with the same song as last week.
Cornerstone. Man, this song gets me, man.
This song gets me in my bones
But it's gonna take a little time
For me to set that parking brake
And let myself unwind
Shining light on me
Ooh
I'll sit and tell you my story
Shine on me
Ooh
Yeah
If I will
Find a song
I will sing it just for you
Find a song
And I will sing it just
For you
I will find a song
And I will sing it just for you
You know, sometimes people do that in your life
You know, when people
You know, it's rare that I find
That I feel
You know, that
It's rare that I find
When somebody does something
And it's just for me
Out of just genuine
Genuinosity
And then
You know what's funny?
When somebody does something like that
Hit you with that genuinosity
Then I notice
Wow, that's what that's like
It reminds me
Man, I gotta
You know, I gotta genuinize
I gotta genuinize
And I need to do a favor for somebody
Or do something for somebody
And not even tell them
Not even, you know
Not even say
Hey, you know
Look at this
You know, vest I just bought you
Or, you know
Look at these roller skates
I got your cousin
But just do it
Send a box of
An unmarked box of roller skates
To somebody
You know, sometimes you gotta
Just
You just gotta do
You gotta do something
For somebody else
Sometimes you gotta
But I notice that
When somebody does it for me
Anyway, I don't know
Why I started off right there
But
Where else are you gonna start?
Except in the middle
And that's
That's where I am today
Happy day
Happy day to you
Thank you guys for joining me
Man, that song just gets me, dude
Right there, bro
That thing
I wanna
That thing just
Ooh
This feels good
It just
This song feels good, dude
You know
And that's what sometimes
When I wish I had a little bit
Of urbanosity in me
When I had some urban-ness, you know
When I had a little bit of
You know
You know
When I had a little bit of
Maybe some Afrikaans
Down in my veins
Cause I just wanna hit them
Ooh
Yeah
You know
I wanna hit
I wanna feel it
You ever see
You ever see or hear
A black lady
Or black man
They hit those notes
And you're like
My
Lord
That sound
Where did that sound
Even come from?
That's Steph Curry
You know
That volume is Steph Curry
Cause that thing's coming from deep
That thing is coming
From deep
And I wish I had that ability
You know
I got these
But you know
I got these
I have this small rib cage
And I got small lungs
And the doctor said that
When I was born
That I had
The
I had the rib cage
Of a large cat
And that
You know
And
What goes inside of those rib cage
I got smaller lungs
So that's where I'm at
You know
Physically
But thank you guys
For joining me today
I hope your day is good
I hope whatever you're doing
You're doing it
You know
I hope whatever you're doing
If you pissed at somebody
Let them know
And get it out your life
Cause we going forward
Today
What's up dude
I started a shitty diet
And
I don't even mean that
Literally
I just started this diet
I'm on this
Paleologist
Pale
Let me see
Paleos
Paleos
Paleos diet
And paleos diet is
That's
You're getting back
To the caveman ways
Because inside of us
Even though we're all newfangled
You know
We're running around here
With a cell phone
And with
You know
North face coat
And you know
With
You know
Kitty litter
And all of these fancy
You know
21st century
Technologies
Inside of us
There's still caveman
Inside of our genes
It's
You can't deny
That's in you
That's limbic
That's at the root
You know
There's that root
Of your humanity
That is in the base
Of your brain
And that's that limbic system
And that's where
Where you have
Those caveman tendencies
And cavewoman tendencies
And look
Let's be honest
Back in the day
Caveman
Cavewoman
Probably
Exactly the same
Really
Because you had to think
That body bush
I mean
That body bush
On a man or woman
You almost had to get up there
And
You know
Part that hair
You had to get up there
And search for that pheasant
To see what gender
Somebody even was
I mean
Now you see somebody
In the distance
You can mostly guess
Unless you got a man
Running around
Wearing lipstick
Or
You know
Putting glittery lotion
On his neck
Or anything like that
Then you might think
Oh that could be a woman
Or if you have a woman
Who's you know
You know
Trying to have a special type
Of
You know
What was considered
Or used to be considered
A predominantly male hairstyle
You know
You got some women
Have a fade
I've seen women
That will shave
A lot above their lip
Trying to grow out
That mustache
And
I've even had women
Hit me up
Because you know
I'm rocking this
Gender neutral style
And I've had women
Hit me up about my hairstyle
Saying how do they get it
And also
A couple of ladies
Asking how they can
Grow a goatee
And I'm like
Look you know
I'm not
I'm not
You know
I'm not out here
Frankensteining
You know
I don't know how to
Add parts
Or you know
Adjust the
You know
The genetic makeup
Of your chin
But you know
I can give you some
You know
A couple of ideas
On how to catch
Some of this fade
I mean
It's just a one
Into a two
And then you got to
Kind of fade it out
Towards the back
Whenever you get
Right at the middle
Of your ear
You got to fade it out
But
But yeah
What was I talking about
Yeah but back in the day
I'm on that paley
On the
I cannot get this computer
To work
On the paleos diet
Paleosity
I'm on it
And what it is
Is you can have meat
You can only have a few things
You can have meat
You can have
Grapes
You can have anything
In the Bible
Except for bread
So you know
It's not a biblical
It's not a
You know
A God fearing diet
You know
You're not eating
And the whole time
You know
Looking around
For lightning bolts
If you fuck up
But it is a
You know
It's just basic
Kind of stuff
If you were
If you wandered
Outside of a cave
Things you would find
You could find
You could have
Fresh meat
You could have
Berries
Raisins
You could have
Honey
Can you have honey
Nope
You can have
Pure maple syrup
That's just got to be
Straight out of a tree
Boy
So
I mean
Look
And you'll get hungry
Dude
If you see me
In your backyard
And I'm
You see a dude
Bent down behind a tree
I ain't sucking
No dick
Back there
You know
Or I ain't eating
No crunch
I'm back there
Probably
Trying to
You know
Trying to slurp
A hit of maple
Out of one of your
Out of one of your
Out of one of your
Fine pieces of woodwork
In your yard
You know
Because you get hungry
That's the thing
You get most hungry
For I find
Is sweeteners
You know
Because I'll make it
Through
You know
You can have
Eggs
You can have
Asparagus
I mean
You can have
Actually
They had one kind
Of ice cream
You can have
But it's
Have charcoal
In it
Dude
This shit
Sounds
Something y'all
Are like
Fuck that man
But I did it
I just wanted to
Kind of challenge
Myself
With the paleos
And see if I
Could handle
What it was like
To be a caveman
You know
Could I
Could I do it
If
You know
If suddenly
Everything shut down
And you know
My apartment
Turned into
Made out of rocks
And my carpet
Turned into dirt
Could I handle it
What would I go eat
I mean
You could
You know
You'd have to
Try and catch birds
You'd have to have
Probably a little bit
Of rat meat
But paleos diet
You know
You can get those things
And you get those
Natural accoutrements
That just cater
Directly to your body
So you don't feel
A lot of
I'll tell you
A couple things
I don't have
A lot of indigestion
I don't have
A lot of
Body gas
Because I'm
That type of dude
I'll be honest
With you man
I was
You know
I lacked
I lacked
I was
Lactic acid
And
If I had
Lactic acid
I was
Lactose intolerance
And it's not
I know some people
Think it's like
A black lives matter
Type of thing
It's not
Lactose intolerance
Is
You know
Lactose isn't a race
It's something
That's in milk
And if you have it
Your body doesn't like it
And so your body
Doesn't have a lot of ways
To yell at you
And say hey
I don't like this
So your body
Will make
Body gas
And so if I had
Lactic acids
Or whatever
Milk
Things like that
Heavy creamer
Then I would have
Body gas
And that would make
Me and everybody
You know
Just
It wasn't fun
But on this
Paleo's diet
Boy
Nothing
Bro you can monitor
My little browser
Hole all week
And you won't hear
It say a peep
So I'm really
Keyed down
And I'm dialed in
On this Paleo's diet
And I'm feeling
You know
You know what it makes me
You know what it does for me
I'll say this
It makes it so
Say if I want to go
Have a snack
I can't just go eat
Whatever is readily available
You know
It makes me think
Before I eat
That's what it does
It makes me look at
A couple of
Look at the ingredients
Look at that
You know
And so that's really
One of the best gifts
I've only been on it
For five days
But you can still
Have fish
You can have salmon
You can have
Celery
You can have
What else can you have
You can have
Eggs
I think I already said eggs
Oh you can have meat
So you can have meat
You just can't have bread
So you got
You can only have
The middle part of a sandwich
So you definitely seem
Like a fucking pervert
You know
They had a dude
One of my dad's friends
This man
Larry Dent
Used to
He would have a sandwich
And he had
This dude had
The longest tongue ever
And he hated us
He come over to our house
And he hated us
He hated everybody
And I think
You know
The Lord just filled
That man with hate
And if he was
If he was a piece of luggage
And they opened him up
At TSA
It would just be
A bunch of
Just hate blocks
And they'd be like
Oh okay
This is just hate blocks
We thought this
That you were
You know
Running
You know
Trying to cross
You know
Move oranges
Or produce
Across state lines
You're good to go
With these hate blocks
And Larry Dent
Had it
Was just all hatred
But anyhow
If that man got a burger
He didn't like the bread
And it's one of the reasons
Why his first wife
Left him actually
Because he wouldn't eat bread
And he would just
Get his tongue around
And just get at that meat
And it's almost like
Watching a dog
If you've ever hidden
Something from a dog
Like a toy
It's under the couch
Watching a dog
Get in there like that
You know
If you've ever watched
Seen a long-legged
A long-tongued
You know
Wamaraner or something
Or French bulldog
Or anything like that
If you've ever seen it
Use its tongue
To get under that
Under the sofa
To get something
That's how
Mr. Larry Dent
Would get around
And he'd just
Get his tongue up in there
And try to get
Whatever meat
Was in that sandwich
And that shit was
I mean
Watching it now
I would honestly say
That shit might be
A bit erotic
Not even in a homo
Not even in a homoerotic way
Or in a homosexual way
But just in the way
Of that
You know
Watching somebody
Try to tongue the meat
Out of a sandwich
Without eating the bread
That shit is
Damn boy
That shit's sexy
And we might actually
Have to make a YouTube
Maybe we'll see
If we can get some seniors
To try and
You know
To try and
Excerpt the meat
Out of a sandwich
Tongue only
And I know
That sounds pretty bizarre
But that would be
A way more unique
Type of pornography
You know
Instead of watching
All this vulgarity
And people
You know
Holding each other's
Butts open
And you know
Hiding silverware
In each other's
You know
Booties
And all of this
And you know
Tying yarn
Around each other's
Tits
And all kinds of stuff
They're doing
On the dark net
If you had
Just you know
That kind of
Eroticism
Where you was
Watching a senior
Just try to
You know
Tongue a couple
Hits of
Mortadella cheese
Or something
Out of a
You know
In between
A couple of pieces
Of
Honey wheat
Without eating the bread
That shit
Sounds crazy
But also
Sounds
Really
Really
Captivating
