Name: This Past Weekend Follow Up | One Hoof Jer
Uploaded: 2018-05-16T21:03:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'This Past Weekend Follow Up | One Hoof Jer' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'This Past Weekend Follow Up | One Hoof Jer' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-16. Transcript available.

This past weekend.
Yo, this is Jeremy from Jersey.
I just want to tell you about my past weekend.
On Thursday, I broke my foot playing basketball.
Oh, you broke that foot, huh?
So you down to One Hoof.
They call you One Hoof Jer.
Let's hear more.
Here's the kicker.
This coming Saturday, I'm getting married.
My fiance was not happy about it, to say the least.
Yeah, well, she's not happy about it because you're coming in clumsy.
You know, this is a time when you need to be shining.
This is a time when, if anything, you need to sprout another leg, you know, or
sprout a second cop.
But you're out there, you know, you only got two wheels and you're blowing one
of them out.
Playing hoops at whatever, 35.
Like, who are you supposed to be?
Huh?
You Kevin McHale?
You Muggsy Boggs?
Who are you supposed to be, man?
You know, you ain't, you stunting out there at the YMCA, dog?
Shut it down.
Dude, the wedding, that's everything.
That's the only, you just have to look good that night.
The next day, you could lose your hair.
You could mail your dick to another country.
You could do anything after that.
But that, that wedding, that's it.
You got to show up.
You got to have your, if you have tits under your arms, you better give them
haircuts.
That's the night you got to show up, that wedding night.
After that, who cares?
Who cares?
A lot of women don't even care if you go missing after that.
You could, you know, you could disappear on a cruise.
A lot of them don't give a fuck.
You need to show up for that night.
Make it legal.
Make it legit.
So they got that alimony paper coming in.
Y'all need to have the big thing.
Get the pictures.
That's what you got to do.
That's your responsibility as a man.
And you out there fucking shooting hook shots.
You know, out there at the DFW.
Out there at the American Legion.
Playing on a men over 35 year old team, the Rattlers.
We're the Rattlers.
Y'all ain't the fucking Rattlers.
Most of y'all work at the bank.
Okay, so we got to tighten up, Jeremy.
Hello?
What's up, brother?
It's Theo.
What's up, man?
How's it going?
Going good, dude.
How's that limb?
It's healing, man.
It's healing.
It's taking a little bit, but it's getting there.
Dude, you know, I had some hindsight because I wish I'd have signed your cast
over there
in New Jersey, but that's one of the, you have kind of one of those fancier
kind of space
casts.
That was like, that's like the new Yeezy.
You know what I'm saying?
That's that new HandyKeezy, bro, for the handicaps.
Yeah, that HandyKeezy, exactly.
Good to see you, man.
It was good to see you in New Jersey.
The video you sent me, I'm going to put it on to the end of this follow-up,
dude.
Honestly, I think I've watched it like 30 times.
Dude, it was funny, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was really, really funny.
Will you take us back through, just take like the listeners and stuff back
through, like
what happened?
So I get the call that you had just broken a limb, or it wasn't a break, was it
a fracture?
What was it?
So I fractured, or yeah, I broke the fifth metatarsal.
So it's like the fifth bone in your foot.
It's like the, like attaches to a pinky bone.
That's that wee, wee, wee, all the way home one.
Exactly.
And can you feel that when you break that little thing?
Because that thing, there's been times where I was high on drugs.
I thought I could fucking cut that thing off.
Well, it's not the actual pinky bone, but it's like the bone that attaches from
like
the pinky to the ankle.
Oh, wow.
So that's a real, you need that.
So it was like halfway through the foot and it just like, yeah, it snaps, man.
I went up for a rebound.
Like you said, man, I shouldn't have been playing basketball at 30 years old.
You know, I gotta, I gotta hang them up, but.
That's a brave move.
And this was how long before your engagement, your wedding date?
It was nine days before the wedding.
And did you think about seeing like a shaman or something at that point to try
and, you
know, expedite that healing?
I wish that thought would have crossed my mind, man.
Did you at all think for a second about not telling your girl and mate and just
riding
through it somehow?
Dude, it was so painful that that didn't even cross my mind.
Wow.
I would have tried.
I knew as soon as it happened, I was like, oh, this is way worse.
This is like, this is exactly what, you know, this is exactly what no one wants
to happen
right before the wedding.
Yeah.
Did you have to then hit the aisle on a Segway or something?
Like, how did you?
Don't tell me you got one of those little fucking.
I walked down the aisle with a, I got that boot on.
Okay.
You know, that Yeezy.
Yeah.
That's, that's respectable, man.
And some crutches.
Um, but, uh, the funny part is that her, well, not funny, but her mom broke her
tibia like
two weeks before that.
So her mom walks down the aisle on crutches and then I come right behind her on
crutches.
Damn.
So y'all's family's fucked up, man.
Well, and also I bet people are looking at y'all's families and being like, man,
I hope
these, these, these two don't have children because the genetics, these, that
kid's going
to be in a full body cast most of his life, you know?
For real, man.
For real.
Did you feel a responsibility to have to make it up to your wife in a way or,
um, or what
kind of went through a little bit of your brain as that, as that went on?
Cause I'm sure it was kind of disappointing.
Oh, for sure.
I like, I felt, you know, I felt bad cause I'm like, this is, you know, she
wants it
to go perfect and she wants the pictures to be perfect.
And, you know, now I'm in this boot.
So, you know, I'm wearing a suit, but you see this, this boot goes up damn near
to my
knee, you know?
So it just, it looks terrible, but, um, you know, all in all the day was great.
You know, we got beautiful weather.
The wedding was, was beautiful.
You know, everything went, went really good.
All things considered.
That's awesome.
I did feel bad.
Cause I'm like, you know, this is, she's been planning this for, you know, a
year and
a half and she wants it to go perfect.
And then, yeah, I fucking break a foot right before, you know, she's like, you
had to play
basketball.
You just had to play basketball.
That's fine.
I mean, I'm like, yeah, well, you know, ball is life, baby.
You know, ball is life, dude.
Ball is wife, bruh.
Um, dude.
Well, I appreciate it, man.
I appreciate you coming out to the show.
I appreciate you showing me that limb, dude.
That thing was, uh, it was so cool to be able to like talk about it on the
podcast and then
to see it like in real life and real time and be like, holy shit, this is real.
This is awesome.
Well, if you ever, uh, if you guys ever renew your vows, man, I might have to
come out there
and officiate, man.
Oh, for sure, bro.
For sure.
I mean, that's kind of, that's suddenly I realized asking a lot.
That sounded like I had anything to do with this.
Um, but dude, that's awesome, man.
And what is, so like what suggestions or, you know, thoughts would you give to
any like
dude that something wild kind of happens heading into it?
Like what, you know, what were some things that you kind of did that, you know,
if anything
that kind of helped your lady and you get through it or helped you personally
deal with
it in a way that it didn't, um, further make things worse?
Um, you know, I don't, we were just, I don't know, you, you know, we're, we're,
we're just
good together.
We, we worked real well together and, you know, she's understanding and I would
say
for, you know, and there's, there's only so much you could do, you know, you
never know
when something's going to happen, but I would definitely suggest people not
play basketball
for a couple of weeks before their wedding.
Uh, but you know, you know, you never know.
You could, you could break a limb doing anything.
Oh, you can make a salad and fucking throw your shoulder out with, if you make
a heavy
salad or anything.
Chop your ring finger off.
I told her, look,
it's, it's, it's, everything's going to be all good.
You know, the day is going to go seamless.
Like the pictures might not be all that great, but it's something we're going
to, you know,
a couple of years down, we're going to look at those photos and we're going to
laugh about
it.
Yeah.
You know, whenever you, we were talking about it there in New Jersey, I was
thinking,
wow, it must've shown you a little bit that you had the right girl.
Oh, for sure.
For sure.
You know, like I said, uh, in the first call, like, you know, it took her a few
days before
she started feeling bad for me because, uh, you know, she's, she's thinking the
wedding's
got to go perfect and everything like that.
But after a few days, she started feeling bad for me too.
Like I said, it was my right foot.
She's been driving me around for five weeks now.
You know, I can't drive with the boot on.
So, um, she's been driving me everywhere.
I got to go, you know, taking me to doctor's appointments and everything.
And, uh, she's just, she's been a trooper through it.
So, so I'm certain that I got the right girl, you know, because she's, she's
just been there
for me for it all.
Yeah.
I bet that feels good, man.
I bet that's nice.
It must be nice too, to have a Lyft driver.
You could fuck without getting harassment charges, you know?
Oh, absolutely, bro.
I'm, I've had a DD that for five weeks that, you know, at the end of the night,
I'm taking
her home and banging her.
You know what I'm saying?
That's what I'm saying, boy.
You know what I'm saying?
Bro, they don't offer that service.
So, you know what I'm saying?
Uber needs to step their game up.
Straight up.
Exactly.
A little extra charge and you get to, you know, you get that nut off.
I want that orgy pool, you know?
Um, well, man, congratulations to you and to Alexandra and, uh, and, dude, it
was great
to meet you and let me know, um, you know, next time we're in the same area and
I'd love
to get you guys some tickets and stuff and just get to meet her in person and,
um, and
just put the whole, you know, in my brain, just, you know, put all the little
pieces together.
Oh, for sure, bro.
Hey, I appreciate that, man.
Absolutely.
One hoof chair, man.
Congratulations, bro.
Take care of that other limb, you know?
All right.
See you.
Appreciate it, man.
All right.
Gang.
gang gang man see you soon all right peace cheers bud