Name: Just a Suggestion | This Past Weekend #99
Uploaded: 2018-05-28T13:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Just a Suggestion | This Past Weekend #99' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Just a Suggestion | This Past Weekend #99' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-28. Transcript available.

Just a Suggestion | This Past Weekend #99

This episode brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block, get that hitter.
I got that short neck, baby.
There we go.
Enjoy the destination, nation, nation, nation.
Fantasy, make it on the wall.
Yeah.
Come on, let's go.
It's never too late to come over.
Mm-hmm.
Time slips away from you and me now.
There you go, boy.
So don't you hesitate to come over.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
That's that late night text, you know, that you could drop into a lady's text
box.
Hey, it's never too late to come over.
And then she texts back, yeah, it is, okay?
It's 3.04.
It's 3.04 a.m.
And mama just, you know, mama just hit a chili dog in her throat and she just
put some lotion on her arms and neck.
So you need to shut it down and contact me during regular human hours.
And that's from about 11 a.m. to 8 p.m.
If you're texting women or men outside of those hours, you know you shouldn't
be probably.
You know, I think that's nonsensual hours.
You know, if you start, or, you know, maybe up to about 11 p.m.
Or maybe I would say 11 a.m. or 11 p.m.
Because you start getting greedy out there, 1 a.m., you're fishing.
I mean, one of my old moves is I would, I would just text a blunt, I would open
up a girl's, you know, text name on my SMS.
And then I would just press the space bar one time, and then I would just send
that.
So it was just like sending a bubble, nothing, no words, anything.
And you just blast that bubble out there and then see if she wants to, you know,
catch that thing in her mouth.
And so that's a way you could just be fishing, just throwing bubs into the air.
You know, you just tossing them, those empty spheres out there and seeing if
anybody's biting.
Seeing if they got any bad little, seeing if they got any bad little, little
ladies biting on them, on them hope bubbles.
People hoping for somebody to touch their crotch late at night.
Isn't it wild how your crotch just becomes this beacon of hope?
Isn't that crazy?
I mean, for men it does.
I mean, I don't know what women are doing at these hours.
But for a lot of men, your crotch just becomes this beacon of hope at like
about, I think, maybe 11.40 p.m.
Your crotch just starts sending off this sonar signal.
Like, you know, it's like a, it's like a dolphin.
Just like a coochie dolphin just kind of, you know, just milling around out in
the atmosphere looking for, looking for some affection, look for somebody to
come over and pet it.
Because a crotch, think about this, a crotch is just like a puppy.
All a crotch wants somebody to do is just to come rub on it.
Think about that.
And that really flares up about 11 p.m.
And I don't know what that, if that's called, if that's a syndrome or what that's
called.
But it's undeniable that that happens.
That's undeniable that that happens.
I want to say happy Memorial Day to anyone and everyone who's involved with our
armed forces.
I want to say, you know, offer a prayer up for anyone who's lost a family
member in service to this country.
You know, Memorial Day or Decoration Day, that's what they called, used to call
it.
Or some people still call it.
They started up after the Civil War, just honoring those who have fallen.
And it's a, you know, it's just the bravery there for me.
It's just, I've said this before, one of my biggest regrets is that I haven't
served.
You know, I've done some, gotten to do some tours for the military over the
years and going over and seeing what these men and women's lives are like.
And it's just fascinating.
It's fascinating to know.
Sure, it's a job.
You know, sure, there's, you know, people are paid for it.
But it's a bravery that I don't possess.
You know, it's a commitment that I, you know, wasn't willing to make.
And, you know, my hat's off and my heart open to those who have lost a loved
one who was in service to our country.
And God bless those people.
You know, that's so brave.
I was just at home this weekend.
Actually, I went to a high school reunion.
And we had a gentleman from our class who lost his life in Afghanistan.
And it was just interesting hearing people talk about him and share stories.
And, you know, so I'll be thinking about him this weekend.
And I'll be over probably at the cemetery tomorrow.
They have a beautiful cemetery near me.
I think it's Los Angeles Memorial.
What is that?
And I go over there on Memorial Day and check it out.
And they do some beautiful services.
And there's just all the flags on the grave headstones.
And it's a pretty marvelous time.
Before we get into today's episode, you know, a lot of people have been asking
me, what about Trick Lung Mickey?
You know, he got them new hitters.
He got them new baby bags in his chest.
You know, and if you don't know about Mickey, Mickey got involved early with
the show.
And we communicated with him.
And he's been suffering from cystic fibrosis since he was – which sounds like
a snack.
Let's be honest.
That sounds like something you would get at a health food store.
You know, like, oh, Janet just got a new bag of cystic fibrosis.
And we'll be like, well, I guess it's movie night at her house.
Okay.
But it's a lung disorder.
And it's an ailment.
And it can kill you.
And so Mickey's been on this transplant list for a while, and he finally got
them new baby bags.
And so I want to check in with that.
I want to check in with him right now and just give you guys an update via him.
This is the first time I've talked to him since he got out of his transplant
and got those new hitters that he got.
Let's check in with Mickey now.
Let's see what's going on.
Let's see how them new air titties are holding out.
Hello?
Hey, Mickey.
Yo, Theo.
How's it going, man?
What up, bro?
Dude, new hitters, bro!
You got them new fresh air duffles, huh, baby boy?
Man, God dang, man.
Life is so good, brother.
It's so good to hear your voice, man.
Dude, you too, man.
You sound like a dad.
Honestly, you sound like an adult now.
Dude, you know what's crazy?
Real fast, dude, my diaphragm hasn't hooked up to my long-flying god laugh
right now.
Like, literally, it's a silent laugh.
But I am an adult.
I'm an adult now, man.
Dude, I weigh 118 pounds, but I'm still an adult.
Dang, he's that light adult, but look out.
You know, look out.
You got some weight to put on.
So your diaphragm isn't hooked into your new lungs yet?
It takes a little bit of strengthening, man.
Like, literal, actual conditioning because those nerve endings, you know, got
severed.
Wow.
And so that's why, yeah, man, that's why nothing really comes.
I'm laughing over here.
I really am.
Sure.
Trick-long, Mickey, with those severed nerves, man.
So you got that, you coming in with that soft chuckle right now because you can't.
Dude, you can't really go hard in the humor paint yet, can you?
No, man.
Well, you know, writing, of course, is what we talked about.
Amen.
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
It's been good.
The laugh will come back.
It'll come back.
There you go, man.
Yeah, and it's going to be such a gift when it does.
Dude, so, I mean, you're back.
Like, you are, where were you at before, like, out of 10, and where are you at
now out of 10?
So, it's really funny, man.
You know, when we talked, what, like, three weeks ago, I want to say, four
weeks, maybe?
You know, I was like, I think I told you, like, maybe an 8.5 in life, right?
Yeah.
8 out of 10.
Yeah.
Dude, this is like, you know, not to be all hokey or whatever, man.
Yeah, yeah, it's like a, it's 10 out of 10, if not 15 out of 10.
Dang, man.
Dude, every day is, man.
You're out there, huh?
Every day is beautiful, dude.
So, dude, let me hear.
So, you got those new lungs.
Now, the person that donated them to you, that person was a, they overdosed.
Is that right?
That's true, man.
And, yeah, I said that over text, dude, in the sense that this was what was
considered
a high-risk transplant, meaning that the donor had been using intravenous drugs
and also spent
a little bit of time in jail.
Ooh, boy, you got a real G inside of you now.
Dude, my street credibility went up about 100%, at least double what I normally
had, you know?
Dude, you got them dirty, moist, you got them dirty, moist duffels living in
your sternum
now, dude.
This is gangster.
That's right, man.
Amen.
Now, is there any?
Go on.
I wanted to tell you real fast, it was right after Cinco de Mayo, too.
So, you know, those parties happened, man.
And, you know, I think I got, you know, what you've told me.
Now, I got, I think I'm going to reach out to the family in like about nine
months or so.
Mm-hmm.
It's, it's fresh warm, right?
But what I'm saying is I think I got a little bit of, you know, I got a little
bit of some
flavor and salsa in me these days, man.
Oh, really?
You feel like you could dance better?
Absolutely.
Of course.
I could breathe better.
You definitely know I could dance about it.
Wow, man.
I can't believe that.
Can you whistle?
Give me a whistle, man.
Hey, let's do that.
Yeah.
I blew out a kid's birthday candle the other day just because I saw it.
Get the fuck out of here, son.
We shutting down all these birthday cakes, boy.
Trick lung got them hot bags.
Dude, give me that cat call.
Can you give me a little bit of cat?
Oh, hey.
He's like, hey, baby girl.
That's right, man.
Oh, damn, bro.
Whoa.
We're in there, man.
We are in here.
Bro, you're going to fuck a cousin if you keep, if you, you got to, you got to,
you
need to turn that back, baby.
What about a yodel?
Can you give me a yodel?
Oh, dude, yodel, that's going to be too hard, man.
We're still singing right now.
I'm still singing a little bit of Aaliyah first to get my yodel back up, you
know?
Dude, that's so awesome, man.
So you're back.
Do you feel, how do you feel?
Right now, man, I feel incredible at all levels.
I'm so focused on my recovery in regards to my nutrition and my sleep and also
exercise.
Man, I'm exercising like four times a day.
I told you I weigh 118.
It's because of the fact that the transplant surgery takes a lot of your muscle
out of you,
man.
A lot of that protein to recover.
Well, they're thieves, too.
A lot of these doctors, man, they get inside of you.
Dude, I'm not joking.
They're just like, it's like whenever you're building a home in a sketchy
neighborhood,
you have a lot of addicts will sneak in at night and bust out the copper piping
at night
and melt it down and sell it.
You don't know what happened, man.
I woke up.
Here's, listen.
Dude, feel, man.
I'm a clean gentleman, you know?
Yeah.
You know, I went there prepared and I shaved and I, you know, I kept clean.
Yeah.
And I woke up.
I realized these guys also shaved my armpits.
And I was like, oh, dang, that's the one thing I forgot.
Wow.
But, yeah, man.
You never know when you're on that table.
You're right, man.
Who knows what they're going to do?
God dang, you know?
Man, they could do anything, man.
I might go in for a treatment just because I got a lot of body here.
I honestly would not even mind, you know, having somebody put me to sleep and
take it off of me.
But, man, I'm so happy for you, dude.
And I'm so, I'm just so grateful that you let us be a part of a little bit of
this experience, dude.
Dude, if I can, gush out to you in this past weekend, family, man.
I felt, God, man.
I thank you so much for being a part of it.
I'm happy to be a part of it, of everything as well.
But the amount of people that have reached out to me, man, I just thank them.
Thank you, man.
And it's been a truly, it's been a truly beautiful experience.
I say that with the utmost, utmost truth, man.
Well, same here, man.
I mean, there's been moments where, like, you know, probably little moments in
a lot of our days, you know, myself and the listeners were, you know, something
we didn't want to do.
Or something we didn't want to, you know, take a moment of or, you know, we
didn't want to try.
And, you know, and then having, you know, some inspiration, having that, you
know, you have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.
But then you got a trick lung Mickey hanging off 