Name: Bald is Beautiful | This Past Weekend #103
Uploaded: 2018-06-11T13:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bald is Beautiful | This Past Weekend #103' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bald is Beautiful | This Past Weekend #103' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-11. Transcript available.

Bald is Beautiful | This Past Weekend #103

What are they gonna do about us, man?
That's what I ask sometimes, you know?
I say, what are they gonna do about us?
And that is Brad Levine with Better Off Barefoot right now, right there.
And what are they gonna do about us?
That's what I ask myself sometimes.
You know, there used to be a driving force in me a lot when I was young.
You know, I'd ask myself, what are they gonna do about me?
You know, I think about that in the world, you know,
and I would try to inspire myself when I'd have those M&M moments,
you know, or them easy E moments.
When I was, you know, bustling through the neighborhood by my lonesome,
just out there all lonely-legged,
just moving one foot in front of the other, you know,
just with that swaggy neck, when you, you know, you kinda,
you put your chin up, you walk chin first, you know,
when you get your swag, you get your neck all swaggy,
and you walk chin first.
And you think to yourself, what are they gonna do about me?
You know, what's the world gonna do about me?
Because I'm not gonna give up.
They're gonna have to do something.
They're gonna have to put me down.
They're gonna have to old yell at your boy.
They're gonna have to hit me with that euthanasia
if they're gonna stop me.
Because I'm not.
I'm not gonna stop by myself.
I used to think about that when I was young, you know,
when I had that, you know, that wild swagger.
You know, you got that fuck the world, fuck the world swagger.
Yeah, man.
And that used to be the thing that would drive me.
You know, it used to be, man, every other vertebrae of my spine
was just, you know, it was like Marshall Mathers.
It looked like just like a little picture of Marshall Mathers,
then a vertebrae.
It would be like L1, Marshall Mathers.
L3, Marshall Mathers.
L5, Marshall Mathers.
S1, on up my vertebrae through that whole,
that whole spinel column.
And that's who I, you know,
I just had that grr.
I had that angst in me.
And that's what drove me, you know,
a lot of times when I was young
was that angst, that fire.
You know, me asking the world,
you know, at the root of me,
I was asking the world,
what are y'all gonna do about me?
How y'all gonna stop me?
And that used to be some anger
and some swagger that I used to run with.
Thank you guys for being here today.
You know, I, uh,
I'm happy.
I'm happy to be here with you guys.
I just got back from Oklahoma City.
Or, no, sorry,
I just got back from Ark-lahoma.
Up there in the corner of Arkansas and Oklahoma.
You know, it's, um,
they got a lot of wheat up there.
They got a lot of hay.
I mean, you see a hay bale.
You're driving, you're driving.
Suddenly you see, you know,
six or seven hay bales.
You know, you see a couple people
ducked off behind a hay bale,
maybe, you know,
you know, tugging on a pack of Winstons.
You see somebody ducked off behind a hay bale,
maybe, um,
you know, hugging their sister a little too hard.
Or you see, you know,
a couple siblings back there.
You see, you know,
maybe, um,
you see somebody,
you know,
it's supposed to be working.
They ducked off behind a hay bale.
And they, you know,
they're, uh,
they're test driving a couple of daydreams.
But that's what you would see with these hay bales.
I mean,
when you get these hay bales going,
that hay bales is a place to hide.
A hay bale,
especially in flat, flat terrain,
a hay bale is just a soft little bitty mountain
that is flammable
and that horses will eat.
And you, you, you set a hay bale anyway,
you know,
if you got an open field,
you put a hay bale in there,
out in the middle of it,
suddenly you got something to hide behind.
Anything can happen behind there.
Sorcery,
wizardry,
or light wizardry.
What else?
I mean,
you could,
you know,
you could, uh,
protect yourself,
uh,
from the winds
behind a hay bale.
You know,
you could, um,
you could grow,
uh,
plants that need shade.
You could do it behind a hay bale.
You know,
there's a lot of things you can do
when you got that hay bale.
So,
so sometimes you,
if you're driving past on the road
and you look at a hay bale,
you're like,
what the fuck,
dude?
That's just a bunch of grass
got together in a damn gang bang.
But,
when you really get out there
and look,
you know,
and you see what a hay bale is,
you see,
oh,
this is,
you know,
this thing provides
possibility.
Cause you don't know
what's going on
on the other side
of that hay bale.
You don't know
what's going on
on the other side
of that HBZ.
But man,
I had a good weekend
out there.
I had a really good
weekend out there
and,
uh,
and I'm happy to be home
and I'm tired.
Dude,
I'm freaking tired,
dude.
I'm tired.
But we had a good,
we had a good,
uh,
show out there.
We had a good show out there.
We sold it out.
I want to thank everybody
that came out,
out there.
And you can,
uh,
somebody hit,
hit the hotline
with this right here.
What's up,
Theo?
This is Brian from Arkansas,
man.
I'm just calling.
I just got done
watching your show.
You fucking annihilated,
man.
And,
uh,
I stuck around
for a little bit.
I didn't know
where you were
going to be coming out.
I wish it would have
got to meet you,
man.
But I just wanted to
call and say,
thanks for the show.
It's fucking awesome,
man.
And let,
let,
uh,
let Mr.
Shao know that I'm
going to be,
I'm going to be
catching him next month
when he comes to,
man.
You got it,
brother.
Thank you.
Thank you for that
message.
And I enjoyed it,
dude.
I enjoyed it out there.
A lot of good people
came out.
You know,
a lot of good people
out there holding hands
and,
you know,
a lot of just,
they had one dude
but you know what?
I'll still,
I'll let that dude
hug me one time.
I said,
damn boy,
you know,
wrap me up in them
big bite burritos.
He had these big arms,
these big long,
just like a damn,
you know,
I mean,
it was just like being
wrapped in each one,
each one of his arms
was probably three feet
long.
So he just put me
in this big,
it was just like six feet
of just ant,
ant bitten burrito,
just real white
and just hella ant bites.
Like this dude
had just been,
you know,
playing,
playing Sims on his arms
but with ants.
And it was,
you know,
they had a lot of people
came out.
And I will tell
Brendan Schaub
that you guys
will come see him as well.
I know he's going
to be heading there soon
for I think his second
or third visit,
the bee sting daddy
from the fighter
and the kid.
But man,
I'll tell you this,
I went to see
Joey Diaz,
surprised him up there
on Monday,
last Monday.
And yeah,
yeah man,
it was great.
You know,
because Joey has
this special thing,
if you're not familiar
with Joey Diaz
and you need to go
check him out,
he's one of a kind.
You know,
he's like,
he's from like another,
it's almost like
he's like the emerging
of a couple
of different generations.
Because he's got
this old school generation
where it's,
you know,
he's about honor.
And he's about his word.
But then he's got
this new school generation
where he's,
you know,
all in the psychedelics
and thinking
and like,
and experimenting.
And then he's got
the kind of the 70s
kind of trapped in him
where he's all about
like free love
and just bringing everybody
into the fold.
He's just,
you know,
he's multi-generational.
And he's got
that special gift
and he was shooting
a special for Netflix
and Netflix
is a television channel
but it's on your computer.
And now it's actually
back on your television now.
Which is pretty bizarre,
isn't it?
It's like TV came off
a TV on your computer
and then now
it's like,
oh,
go and get,
now you can get
the computer
over there on the TV.
Remember where
you used to get it?
But now it's like
they took it
and reshaped it
and just,
and now it's back
over there.
And he was taping
a Netflix special
for them
and it was great,
man.
He didn't know
I was coming up
and I rolled up there
and,
you know,
they got,
you know,
they have productions
so you get there
and they have an audience
waiting outside.
Some white dude,
some Muppet had gotten,
you know,
the heater had got him.
It was in Vegas.
So either the heat
had got him
or maybe a hooker
had bit him.
You know,
something had happened
to him and,
you know,
and he hit the ground.
The EMTs are out there
but,
you know,
a couple of EMTs,
they're probably,
you know,
cooking dope on the side
and shit
because it's Vegas.
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody,
somebody's a school teacher
but they selling
a little bit of
freaking warm lip
out the back door.
You know,
they escorting.
So it's anything is possible.
You know,
they selling a little
couple slices of that.
Mama's got that sweat wallet
and she's vending
that thing after school.
You know,
and she's putting people
in a detention
in her crotch
because that's how
they make that extra money.
That's Vegas.
And that's,
you know,
I mean,
the Vegas is,
it's basically,
it's basically just a buffet
for the dark arts.
You get anything you want
over there.
Get you,
you go,
you can go repelling
off of a crack rock
if you want.
And that reminds me
of a story of my sister
one time.
She,
and I don't think
I'm talking outside of school,
me,
my sister and I,
you know,
she knows I love her
and we share stories
but she got caught up
on some of that dust
or something back in the day.
you know,
she was just,
you know what I'm saying?
She was just,
she was all about that.
She was all about that.
Give me a D,
give me a U,
give me a S,
give me a T.
And she had a boyfriend
and that's what happened.
You know,
because sometimes
the man will be all,
he'll be dusted up.
You know,
he'll be running around
and he'll have,
you know,
dusty ideas
and then the lady
will fall in love
with the man
and then she'll get caught,
you know,
she'll get some of that
dust in her eyes
and that's just a,
a byproduct of the love
that she expresses
for the man.
And that's what happened
with my sister.
And so she fell in
with some man
and it was getting
dusted up or something
and he took her
rock climbing.
And look,
dude,
I think it's crazy
to be,
first of all,
you introducing somebody
to rock,
you know,
to some type of dust
or methamphetamines
and then secondarily
to then physically
take them rock climbing.
I mean,
that's,
I mean,
what is that?
What would Freud
say about that?
You know,
when you introducing
somebody to a couple
of grams,
and then you introducing
somebody to a couple
of,
you know,
stalactites of granite
from grams to granite,
baby.
You know what I'm saying?
We getting dusted
and we,
and we going spelunking.
And so that's what happened.
But anyway,
my sister went
rock climbing
and they ended up
climbing up to a,
what's it called?
When people are,
they're eating,
but you can see
their vagina,
nudist colony.
She got taken up
to a nudist colony
and they were having a,
they were grilling out.
They were doing barbecue
because even the naked,
the naked like to eat.
I mean,
and you got to think
about that,
boy.
If you take your clothes
off the first thing
I want,
boy,
I feel embarrassed
for about 30 seconds
after that.
Give me a fucking
McRib,
baby.
Give me a,
a,
a,
a round.
Because,
boy,
I swear,
dude,
if I don't have to worry
about getting something
on my shirt,
that's the beauty
about eating naked.
Boy,
Sloppy Joe.
And now,
if I,
if I got on a nice,
you know,
if I got on a nice
700,
you know,
count,
you know,
or if I got on a nice
like 80,
80 count
threadbare shirt
or something,
you know,
or a multifaceted,
you know,
collared shirt,
shirt that has a couple
of levels,
you know,
got that business
top piece,
that collar,
yeah,
then I might not enjoy
a chili dog the right
way.
Or I might stick my
neck out and eat it
away from my body.
But boy,
you get me naked?
Motherfucker,
I want a Sloppy Joe.
You know what I'm
saying,
dude,
I'll let you throw,
dude,
I'll let you throw
handfuls of fucking
warm meat into my
mouth from about
two feet away.
You know what I'm
saying?
I'll take that prime
rib from close range
because I don't care
about getting it on
my clothes at that
point.
You know,
and that's the crazy
thing.
We buy these clothes
and then,
you know,
because we want to
look nice and then
we have to eat all
uncomfortably to