Name: Halfway to Christmas | This Past Weekend #105
Uploaded: 2018-06-18T13:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Halfway to Christmas | This Past Weekend #105' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Halfway to Christmas | This Past Weekend #105' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-18. Transcript available.

Halfway to Christmas | This Past Weekend #105

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let's go
into this. Okay. Man, you know that is halfway to Christmas. Do you know that?
I could smell
some reindeer's ass cheeks around. Yeah. You know that? And some people are
like, oh, that's
gross. Nah, have you smelled a reindeer's ass, bruh? Mmm. Like cinnamon, you
know? Gang.
Come on.
There you go.
Right there.
You know, that's a smoky little beat right there. Submitted by Jameson Flood.
And Jameson's
been a listener since the beginning of the podcast. Thank you so much for that
hitter right there.
That's called No Sale. And if you have some unique music, you can submit it
through the This
Past Weekend website. And that's on TheoVon.com. Dude, it's halfway to
Christmas. Can you believe it?
So if you're thinking right now, say if you're thinking about Santa, you know,
because I think
about Santa a lot. And if you're thinking about Santa, you have to, you have to
understand that
he is, he's kind of just, oh, I'm turning my emails off. He's kind of just
waking up.
You know, he's kind of, because Santa can sleep through anything. You know, he
got a million
little people, you know, personas pequeños, hammering in his garage. You know,
they're
building trains. They're building walkie-talkies. They're building, some of
them, you know, you
build, you know, you build a couple hundred thousand trains, some of y'all
start to gram off
and buy a little bit of dope. So, you know, he's got all kinds of stuff to deal
with. You know,
he goes outside and, you know, suddenly the place where they were making wagons
and they
were, you know, they were knitting dolls. Suddenly the, you know, back behind
that little
building, people back there, they got a little cookhouse and they, you know,
they grilling
up brisket and, and, you know, uppers, methamphatomans, you know, you know what
I'm
saying? The fucking, the devil's vitamins, boy, you know, the methamphatomans,
son.
And so, you know, that, that Santa right now, he's got work to do, you know,
because he's
just stretching up because when you do, when you, because when you ride all
night, like
Santa, nobody works as hard as Santa. Think about it. You know, Jesus, maybe,
you know,
Muhammad, who's a little fat guy with the jewelry on. Not, no, I know some of
you guys are thinking
probably of, of Pitbull. No, I'm talking about the Indian, the deity, the
Buddha. So, yeah,
you know, Santa's in a class of his own and they have, you know, and he, and so
when you
work that hard at once, one fell swoop, you gotta, you have to get that rest.
And so Santa,
if you think about him right now in June, he's just, just waking up. You know,
he just, he
probably have birds living in his beard, you know, and he probably has, you
know, some
of his mustache probably has a little bit of dope smoke in it. Cause you know,
a lot of
the, you know, a lot of the elves and shit, like I said, you know, a lot of the
elves, people
don't realize when you were, when you caught up in that elf game, it's, it's
like working
for the carnival. It's like working for the circus and you get in that elf game.
And next
thing you know, y'all are, you know, you got, you guys are hanging out at night
and it's
boring. It's cold. You've been making fucking, uh, Tamagotchis all day, you
know, or building
kickballs or building, uh, you know, uh, softball catcher mitts and things like
that, you know,
toys for children. You know, you've been building all types of things that, you
know, uh, sometimes
kids will get something for their parents, but the gift is a piece of shit,
right? Because
kids don't know what parents want. So they'll get them like a, um, like a
wooden bowl or
something. That's not, you know, that's nothing. Or I remember one time, uh,
they had a, one
of our next door neighbors gave his dad a fucking, um, a huge like crate full
of, uh, scallions,
ditch onions, and you could go in the ditch and get free all the scallions you
wanted. Well,
this boy had been collecting them for probably two months. And then he fucking
hit his dad on
Christmas with this box of, uh, you know, with this box of ditch onions and
next, and that
thing stank to high hell, man, dude, it smelled like the, I mean, it just
smelled like a, like
a suppository of the devil. You know, that thing smelled like it had just been
hiding in
the deep caves, you know, and being naughty. And, uh, and this boy gave it to
his daddy, you
know, this boy, Richard that lived in our neighborhood. And, um, and actually,
you know,
what is the crazy thing was, his name was Mr. Richard and he was a kid, but his
dad, um,
his dad had, uh, his dad, his grandfather had died. And the dad like missed the
day, you
know, his dad so much. And he used to call his dad, Mr. Richard. And so then he
named his
son, uh, after his own, um, dad, Mr. Richard. So dude, this dude, you got a
fucking, you know,
11 year old Mr. Richard, you know, with that dirty box of fucking ditch onions.
And he hit
his dad with that. And that was a, you know, a Christmas gift. So what I'm
saying is, you
know, you get a lot of these people who, you know, you get a lot of crazy gifts
that, that
Santa's elves have to make. And that, you know, that the story about, um, Mr.
Richard
and the onions doesn't correlate super well, but you know what I'm saying is
that these elves
have to make shit that they don't even want to make. They got to make all the
gifts that
kids give to their dad, you know, so now you might give your dad, um, you know,
uh, a roller
skate made out of cotton. And your next thing, you know, your, your daddy, your
stepdad's out
there and he fucking, you know, breaks his ankle. And so it's like, but still,
you know,
who makes all of that is elves. And so these we got, you know, and it becomes
like the
carnival, you know, they're carnies, dude. That's all elves are, bro. They're a
bunch
of Jesus birthday carnies. And so they're out there like that. And they got to
build all
these wild things. And so when Santa wakes up, he's got a lot of house cleaning
to do,
you know, and this would honestly be a crazy good time for a zip recruiter ad,
wouldn't
it? But I don't have one. That was just, that's just a fucking good joke though.
Because imagine if Santa had that, but he doesn't. So he's got to go out there
and look
all these elves in the eyes. And so Santa got to get out there and look all
these elves
in their fucking eyes. And some of their eyes are all glassed over and they're
all doped
up and they're hiding, you know, grams and, uh, you know, kilograms of dope in
their jaw
and all that kind of shit. But when you're an elf, you could do, you can really
get bent
out. Cause imagine a couple hits of ass it'll do to a six footer. You, you're
an elf. Bro,
when you are an elf man and then, you know, and the ankle bones connected to
the neck bone
and you do a couple hits LSD, son, you're going deep. You're going deep, boy.
You're Randy
Mawson. You feel me? And so just, just know that when Santa, that Santa right
now is waking
up and he knows that he still has a lot of work to do. And I think that's kind
of just
what I'm thinking about right now is, uh, you know, it's just, I got a lot of
work to
do. We got a lot of work to do. You know, if we want, if we want it, you know,
if we
want it, whatever it is, if it's that family, you know, if you want a new puppy,
if you want
a fucking, you know, you want a new shower curtain or, uh, a new, um, what is
that thing
called a, uh, thing where you, you know, push your clothes down in a bunch of,
uh, you
know, in one spot at a time, but, uh, uh, uh, iron, he, you know, uh, ironer,
iron, an
iron, you know, if you want to, you know, whatever you want, you know, if you
want a new job, you
want a new family, you want the courage to tell somebody the truth, whatever
you want.
We still got work to do if we want to get there, but I appreciate you guys
being here
with me today. And, uh, thank you, Jameson flood for that intro hitter that
brought us
in that his song is called no sale. And that's just a smoky little treat that
that man put
together, uh, just for us. Oh, I was in Canada. Um, I was in Canada and man, I
got, look, I
said this on my Instagrams. If I die, Lord, bring me back in Canada, man. It's
the nicest
people. If you want to know probably maybe what America was like, um, 50 years
ago or something
like in the hearts of people, like good when people's hearts were in a good
spot. Um, or,
you know, and maybe that's me romanticizing America and that's fine. But I
think you go
to Canada, I think you're going to see a mass exodus to Canada at some point,
because dude,
if you want that, if you want your Canada, dude, look you in Canada, you could,
uh, you
could break your leg, right? You're laying in the street. Someone will come up
and fucking
rip their own leg off and replace your leg. And you're like, what, bro? Don't
you need
your leg? And the guy will be like, oh, you know, you know, I'll be in, I've
had my leg
for, you know, maybe 40 years and, um, it's been a good run. Uh, you know, you
can use it.
And I'll be like, what the fuck? So now you running around, you got a, you're
dual,
you know, leg is in ship. You got American leg and a Canadian leg. And that's
how they are.
Dude, if you, if you just even look short of breath, some, uh, Canadian, uh,
you know,
a beautiful Canadian woman will come up and just,
just fill you with that frosty friendly air of them mountains. You know, that
Canadian
hit and you're like, what was that for? And she's like, oh, you, you just
looked a little
light in the, you know, in the, in the O2 tits, you know, in the lungs, you
looked a little
light in the lungs and man, they're just so friendly. Dude, it got a little
windy. I was walking
on the street. Some of my hair blew over my eyes, bro. Someone immediately came
and moved
it off of my eyes. That's Canada. Just kind people, man. I mean, and it's like,
and here,
like in America, kindness is something that we have to push. You know what I
mean? I think
about it a lot, you know, like how do I stay out of myself and think about
others and a man
in Canada, it's not like that. I can't even explain it to you. I can't even
explain it to
you. And you would think because they're so cold, you know, they're frosty. You
know,
if you look at, go find a picture of a Canadian. If you look in the background
of that picture,
there's some, there's a huge piece of land back there with ice on it. You know,
I mean,
it's God's freezer, bro. That's that frozen food section. You know what I'm
saying? They
got all, you, you walk far enough in Canada, you fucking, it just like, you
know, just a bunch
of Tostino's and a bunch of frozen pizzas. And, you know, they got all kinds of
frozen
meats and ice trays, everything. It's that frozen food universe up there. You
know, and I didn't
even think Canada was real when I was growing up. They didn't even, I remember
when I was
in middle school and do, we had some characters in middle school. We had this
one dude, speaking
of Mr. Richard earlier, we had this boy in our middle school name, uh, actually
Mr. Larry.
And he was probably, he might've been 21. And this is back when you stayed in
middle school
till you got it. You know what I'm saying? They wasn't just pushing everybody
through like
now, you know, now if you got half the alphabet, you could fucking finish, you
know, 10th grade.
But this is back in the day they had 