Name: Go Pack Go | This Past Weekend #107
Uploaded: 2018-06-25T13:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Go Pack Go | This Past Weekend #107' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Go Pack Go | This Past Weekend #107' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-25. Transcript available.

Go Pack Go | This Past Weekend #107

This episode brought to you by Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way
to the beach in Los Angeles.
Gray Block, you can get down here now.
This episode brought to you by Ridge Wallet.
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Man, it's getting hot out there, isn't it?
You feel that heat.
You feel that heat.
Sometimes you just got to just get out in the yard and just, just show your nipples
to the sunlight.
Do you feel me?
This one goes out to all the U-PAS weekend listeners.
It's this past weekend, but this guy sounds like he's from another country and
there's an exchange rate apparently on pronouns.
Onward.
Gang, gang.
Never too late, baby.
Oh, yeah.
G up, baby boy.
I'm Ging up over here.
You got to G up, man.
G up.
G up, baby.
I like that, dude.
We all have to G up, baby.
G up, baby.
Who needs a Red Bull?
G up.
He was playing this.
Stevie Starlight.
And that's that music.
Like, you know, if you've ever seen that movie Hannibal Lecter's and Hannibal
Lecter's is about a man who he gets so hungry.
He starts eating people in his neighborhood.
And I think Gene Hackman, who's in it?
Gene Hackman.
And there's a scene in it where there's a man in a basement.
I think the man was like a milkman or like something like that.
And the man is, he's stuck in his basement and he's dancing and he has his wiener
tucked between his legs.
You know what I'm playing?
He's playing that, you know, he's, you know, playing hide the fucking fox, you
know?
And he has his wiener and his nuts tucked back between his legs and he's
dancing.
And this sounds like the kind of music that that guy's listening to.
Enjoy the destination.
Nation.
Nation.
Fantasy.
Hide the fox.
Paint it on the wall.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
So don't hesitate to come over.
Why must we wait when we're alive?
Why must we wait when we are alive?
It's a great question, man.
And Stevie Starlight was on an episode here a month ago.
And, you know, he's a rare gentleman.
You know, he's that rare sort of that mixed breed between humanity and nature.
You know, he's that crossbred, you know, as if like a couple rays of sunlight
and a snowbank were in a gangbang with a uterus.
And then they made a baby.
And that's that Stevie Starlight.
And that's his music right there.
And that song is called Come Over.
You can find it on YouTube.
Stevie Starlight, Come Over.
And it's never too late.
You know, we talk about this on here sometimes.
It's never too late to make that adjustment.
It's never too late to have a change.
It's never too late to get out of, you know, even the dark parts of us.
Even them dark parts, it's never too late.
You know, there's times in my life, even when I think back, you know, 10 years.
When I think about back when I was a child, some of the feelings that I had and
uncertainties and even ignorances that I had.
And those are gone now.
Some of them are gone.
Some of them have changed.
Some of them have evolved.
Some of the ignorances have, some of them are all, some of those things have
calcified.
And I've come to the conclusion, oh, they're not, you know, they're okay.
I'm not, they weren't ignorances.
They were, they were things that I'm sure of.
You know, some of them have calcified and with, with more facts and more
support.
And, you know, it's just, it's never too late.
It's never too late for things to adjust and, and, and, and to take a little
bit of wiggle out of that jiggle.
You know, and, and have things tighten up a little bit or things evolve or
things change.
You know, you could be in a marriage.
It's never too late to change it.
You could be alone and it's never too late to change it.
You could have two legs and this, and you could get fucking hit by a train, bro,
while you're doing a karate kick and you could lose one of your legs.
Say you do a karate kick out across some railroad tracks and bam, you know what
I'm saying?
You didn't know.
And now you're that dude, you know what I'm saying?
You're that fucking, that dude everybody calls Flamingo.
But that's okay.
It's never too late for anything to happen.
It's never too late.
Good to be here, man.
I just got back from Bakersfield.
You know, I just rolled in a couple hours ago.
And they call it Bako.
I didn't know that.
They're like, it's good out here in Bako.
You know, it's just funny how like, like everything starts to get shortened.
You know, everything starts to get just like, it's not hypothesized, but I
guess it's, everything starts to get like, like instead of Chicago, it's like
cargo.
You know, we're out here in cargo, you know, we're out here in, instead of
Minnesota, many or Minneapolis, many, you know, we're out here in Beirut.
We're out here in root, you know, we're out here in, instead of Nigeria, it's
Niger or out here in Jeria, you know, or instead of out here in Toledo, we're
out here in Lido, you know, or instead of I have rabies, I got rabies, you know,
I don't think anybody says rabies, but that's, that's something that I was just
making up.
Oh, hope you guys are having a good day.
It is, it's, it's, it's summertime and it's summertime.
It's hot out there and had a great time out in Bakersfield.
So many people came out and we just lived it up, man.
They had some, some lady, she's like, I spend so much time in my kitchen.
I got a whole tattoo of my kitchen on my back.
And then she showed me her back and it was all, you could see, it was like a
little kitchenette.
You could see like part of a counter, it's a toaster, coffee pot.
And then she points over her shoulder and had a broken window.
This tattoo, do crazy artwork.
She goes, yeah, that's a, uh, yeah, my ex-husband broke that window out with a
broom handle when he was angry at me.
And I'm like, Jesus, this lady just carrying that around, just carrying that
long day around.
She'd had a long day, I'm sure, in that kitchen that day.
And she's carrying her around on her back.
You know, she's carrying that around on her back.
What else, man?
Had some nice people out, man.
I met a, you know, this fellow named Tyler came out, cool cat.
This young dude that liked playing soccer came out.
Who else, man?
They had this, uh, blonde haired lady says she's a accountant or something.
She doesn't want to be an accountant.
Or, you know, she's a scientist or something.
You know, I said, well, we need scientists.
We need everything.
So just be something.
You know, just be something.
But it's, it's, uh, it's been a crazy week.
I got to tell you guys this.
Dude, I shot a, you're not even going to believe this.
And I'm almost kind of like, I don't know if I'm embarrassed to say it.
I guess I'm just like insecure about it.
I, I was in a music video.
You know, like a music video you see on the internet and they used to have it
on MTV, but
now it's just on, um, it's on YouTube.
And this music is by Bad Baby.
And, you know, our BeHod Baby, I think.
Um, BeHod Baby is, uh, she is that, you know, cash me outside.
You know what I'm saying?
Cash me outside.
Uh, you know, it's like before Venmo, they had cash me outside.
And, um, and she was on Dr. Phil.
You know, it's like Dr. Phil's stepdaughter or something.
And she got angry at Dr. Phil and they were fighting and, um, and she was
impersonating,
you know, kind of more of an urban girl type of vibe.
Anyhow, I got to work with Bad Baby and she's got a rap album out now.
And she has a, there's a video coming out.
Uh, she has a song called Trust Me.
So let me tell you what happened for me.
So a friend of mine is the director of the video and he just did her last video.
Um, and it's called Gucci Flip Flops.
And we'll put the links to them below.
You can check it out.
Uh, and mine is the one I'm in.
The one I'm in isn't out yet, man.
So I get a, I get a text from the director and he's like, Hey, uh, would you be
interested
in doing this?
Here's the link of the last one I sent.
So I'll watch the last one.
I'm like, wow, you know, this thing has, you know, it's got 50 something
million views.
It's, it's cool looking.
It's really artistic.
It's funny.
It's fun.
I'm like, yeah, I'll do that.
You know, I'll definitely, uh, I'll definitely try this thing out.
So, um, oh, oh, but first I read the script, right?
And in the script, I play a, um, a pervert.
I play a pervert, man.
And if you don't know what a pervert is, a pervert is, say you're a masturbator.
Say you like to masturbate, right?
But say you don't, but say you now suddenly you take your show on the road.
That's a pervert.
Because a masturbator is somebody who masturbates at their house.
You know, a lot of, you know, it could be a man or a woman.
Some men like to, uh, spray out and ladies like to kind of more spray in.
And, and a master, uh, a masturbator is somebody that does that, you know,
sprays out or in.
But a pervert is somebody that's like, ah, but you do that indoors.
That's somebody who sprays out or in, but also indoors they do it.
Inside of a domicile, in an igloo, under a hat.
Um, you know, some people, if they're, you know, if you're trapped, if you're
stuck outdoors and you want to jerk off,
some people back in the day, uh, they would dig a hole and get down in, just
get under all the dirt, put all the dirt back on top of them.
And then jerk off down in the dirt, you know, and that's old school.
That's fucking, that's some 1900 shit, you know, that's 1900 style.
But this, uh, but a pervert is somebody that instead of doing it behind door,
closed doors, they go out and do it out and about.
Or they do it at a party or they do it at a, you know, quinceanera, you know,
somebody blows out the candles and they're in the distance, you know, warming
up one more fricking, one more, uh, they're, they're, they're in the distance,
you know, starting up a little, uh, cake of their own, you know, and that's a
pervert.
And so anyway, the thing on there, it's like, you have to play a pervert.
And I'm like, what?
And look, I'm not a pervert, man.
I'm not a pedophile.
I haven't never done anything like that.
Um, and I've babysat overnight.
I've babysat overnight with my nieces and nephews countless times.
And I feel eternally grateful and thankful that I, um, I don't have that, uh,
that infection, that disease.
Um, because that's, that, that's a, that's a troubling disease, you know, and
we look at those people, um, that have those types of things.
And we say, man, you know, it's, uh, it's so unfortunate for their victims.
And it is, but it's also, nobody's starting their life out choosing to be that
way.
You know what I'm saying?
Choosing to wear a, um, a backpack made out of Satan, you know, choosing to run
around with the dark arts, just flowing so strong inside of their veins that
they, you know, they almost would cut their wrist just to relieve themselves of
the dark desires that they have.
And, and so anyway, I got that dude, next thing you know, I'm reading the
script.
I'm like, damn, there's a creepy guy in here.
And then I get to the end and I'm like, oh, there's only really two people in
it.
Uh, uh, baby and, and the creepy guy.
I'm like, fuck dude, I'm the creepy guy.
I'm the pervert.
So next thing you know, um, the director texts me.
He's like, well, look, man, uh, David Spade recommended you.
And I'm like, oh, wow, that's, that's crazy.
Cause first of all, David Spade is one of my favorite, um, entertaine