Name: Whitney Cummings | This Past Weekend #108
Uploaded: 2018-06-28T13:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Whitney Cummings | This Past Weekend #108' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Whitney Cummings | This Past Weekend #108' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-28. Transcript available.

Whitney Cummings | This Past Weekend #108

Okay, sometimes you gotta just, you know, get started, so let's do that.
This episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
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Today's guest, I'm so happy to have this beautiful, funny, hilarious, talented
leader, matriarch.
I don't really know what matriarch means, but it's very important.
And this lady is, she's many things, and she continues to evolve, but she's
definitely, she's a seeker, and she's a conqueror.
And we'll have her tour dates right below, but I'm so happy to have, I'm so
happy to have this, just this fire here today, Miss Whitney Cummings.
Oh, first of all, I thought, honestly, I thought you were snow-whiting on me.
What does that mean?
That's when somebody, you know, says they took a couple of sleeping pills, and
suddenly, you know, they don't come to your graduation.
And then leaves you for nine dwarves?
Yeah.
Was it nine dwarves? I don't even remember how many.
These days, a lot of these dwarves are out of control.
Yeah.
It could easily be nine.
I mean, here's the thing, you see a couple of dwarves over there fucking easily
five or six more show up.
Really?
Yeah.
Have we started?
Okay.
That's like my whole, that's my brand.
Are we rolling?
Have we started?
Is this airing?
That's my whole thing.
It's just constant confusion.
It is good.
That does look good on you.
It's just confusion around whether machines are on or off.
I never know.
It does.
You wear that pretty good.
Well, podcasts, you just like, there's no foreplay.
Right.
It's just, you walk in the room, and we're rolling.
So it's like, I just, I want to be, and you know, I took, I took, for those of
you who
haven't heard me, I took two Tylenol PM by accident.
So this is going to get weird.
And is that a new thing that like women are doing to like challenge themselves
more?
Do you feel like?
What are you talking about?
I had a headache and I did it by accident.
It's not a new thing that women, or at least this woman mixes up labels.
Okay.
A lot.
Because you seem like the kind of lady who's like, you know what?
Lady?
Yeah.
What's lady?
I mean, I call my nine-year-old niece a lady if she's, you know, confident.
But that's like little lady.
Right, little lady.
Lady feels a little like old lady.
Okay.
You know?
You seem like the, you seem like the kind of-
The type of bitch.
No, that seems a little bit like we kind of got off the main drag and are on
some side
streets.
That's right, that's right.
Okay?
You seem like the kind of smitten kitten that, that's like, you know what?
I'm such a bad bitch, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to take half a thing of
Benadryl
and go to this business.
You know what I'm saying?
I feel like me on a Benadryl is about the level people can handle.
Right.
I'm too much when I'm not on some kind of sleeping pill, so maybe this is good.
Maybe this is good for my brand.
Do you think you're intense?
Do you think, what is it that gives you intensity?
Is it like a confidence type of thing?
I think it's the opposite.
I'm pretty anxious socially, which I think a lot of people think that maybe I'm
a bitch
because I'm kind of quiet in social situations and they think I'm like judgy or
something.
Like I've had a lot of comics actually, like Sarah Tiana, like we didn't really
talk for
the first couple of years when I was at the comedy store and she's like, I
thought you
were such a bitch.
And I was like, no, I was just like scared and I'm kind of socially awkward.
And so I just keep to myself and it like seems like aloof and like, I think I'm
better
than people, but I'm really just like cripplingly nervous in social situations.
Wow.
Yeah.
It's not really my strength.
Yeah.
Cause that's what I thought.
I was like, man, this is, she's like, she's a bitch.
She's a bitch that's getting shit done.
Like, and she's like.
You always thought I was a bitch.
Really?
I thought you were kind of bitchy.
Yeah.
Really?
Like bitchy.
Like, like.
Not Eliza level, but I thought that you were like a couple back from there, you
know?
Oh, okay.
Uh, I, I, like, but you and I have known each other for a very long time.
Right.
But not well though.
Like we've never like been.
I feel like we were cool.
Like, cause we used to do like bars together.
Yeah.
Like Westwood Brew Co.
If you guys aren't in LA, it's a place on the UCLA campus that they have a,
basically
a room that looks like Anne Frank's attic.
Yeah.
Right next to a karaoke bar.
So you're screaming over like wild thing.
It's awful.
Yeah.
Wild thing.
Yeah.
It's like nine drunk girls.
And then people are like, yeah, you can hear like the Gestapo in the distance.
It's like, dude, wow.
Then you just hear like crying, like college girls, like fighting with their
boyfriends.
Yeah.
But I feel like.
A lot of Jewish girls crying too, because there's a lot of Jewish girls in that
area.
Yeah.
So it's really full circle there.
I feel like you and I were loose to like hang out and wait for like six hours
to go up.
That's true.
To go do like, you know, five minutes in front of four drunk people.
And maybe I was intimidated.
Maybe I was just like, kind of like, I think more of like an intimidated kind
of time in
my life where I was just like, was maybe afraid to talk to girls as much as
socialize
or be on a comfortable level.
So in my head, I had like this other idea.
And I was scared of everybody too, because I think I was insecure about, I mean,
this was
that there weren't that many female comics, like when I started, like now there's
like
a ton, but I felt like I had.
It was like you, Barry Sobel.
Judy Tenuta.
Yeah.
Phyllis Diller.
No, there were only, yeah, there weren't that, there weren't as many.
So I think I thought in order to be respected by the guys, I had to like kind
of be tougher
or something, or like, I never wanted to get the reputation for flirting with
comics or
dating comics.
So I think I would be like a little more aloof, you know, because that time I
was just
such a, you know, like.
Did you feel like a commodity though, like in a way, like, and I just mean it
like this,
did you feel like a commodity, like in the sense that, okay, here's an
attractive, because
we'll agree that you're attractive.
Thank you, strong eight.
Back then it might've been an 8.4.
Let's see.
Before the stress, before the cortisol got to me.
I mean, we'd have to go back in time and ask people back then, but I mean, so
yeah, a
strong, a funny, confident, attractive lady.
I wasn't confident.
I think I came off confident, but I definitely wasn't.
Confident maybe.
Confident, that's right.
How could we just, how could we not trademark that?
Can we do that?
Confident?
But like, I feel like I was confident, but I.
But you weren't really.
I wasn't.
It was a perception.
It was like armor.
You were focused though.
I was definitely focused because I want to be good.
And that was the thing that I think was seemed intimidating.
Like I would see you, like, I remember like talking to like Jeff Ross and stuff
and I'm
like, oh man, but not in a bad way.
I was writing on the roast.
Yeah.
So maybe, and maybe people just didn't know that I was writing on the roast.
So I kind of knew him a little bit, but you know, it's interesting.
Like, yeah, people thought I was like, you know, super, everyone's always like,
she works
so hard, but it was back then.
Like you had to work twice as hard to get a spot as a girl.
And like, I felt all this pressure that like, cause there were so few female
comics that
like, I have to be funny.
Cause there's already this reputation that women are funny.
So like, I want to nail it for like all women.
Yeah.
You know, like I had, I put some, which is now ridiculous.
Wow.
That's so Oksana Bayul.
Is it?
Does Oksana Bayul have a branded like choice?
No, I think, was she a gymnast?
Is she known for her?
She's a gymnast.
I think she landed it though.
And people didn't think she was gonna.
And she just stuck.
Yeah.
But I feel like female ice skaters that are in the Olympics are known for being
good at
ice skating.
Okay.
I'm still thinking of gymnast then.
What's some ice skating, but off the ice.
What is that called?
Gymnastics.
Gymnastics.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And yeah, who's somebody that just landed one, one time and they just like,
that's what
I'm picturing.
You just, and then like, you know.
Like it, cause there was, when I started, it was like, when a girl would go on
stage,
that was like everyone's cue to go to the bathroom.
Right.
Right.
Like I used to get, they'd be like, no, and the way that you got brought up by
then, back
then as a woman, people would be like, so are you ready for a lady?
Is that true?
Yes.
Are you ready for a female comedian?
And everyone would just, you just hear like rustling and people would just get
up and
go.
Some guy would die.
Totally.
Someone would just kill himself.
Staying alive.
Yeah.
Yeah, totally.
Just drink poison.
So it was like, I just felt so totally, like refund, like everyone's just
trying to get
their money back.
So I felt so much pressure to be good.
And I think for me, like, you see, I'm being too intense.
On Tylenol PM, I'm being too intense.
I know.
But I thought, you know, back then, like, I also really wanted comics to
respect me.
Cause I think there was this sort of stigma that I carried that, cause I had
done like
a couple like VH1 shows and stuff where people thought that I got too much too
fast.
Oh, wow.
I didn't remember any of that.
I really didn't want comics to hate me or think I was getting anything I didn't
deserve
because like comedy clubs, that's our home.
Like, you know, walking into a comedy club and having people, comics not like
you, that's
like your worst nightmare.
So I just really wanted to like earn everything I got.
Cause I do think there was also, you know, there is pressure always on comedy
clubs to
be like, we have to put a woman on the lineup.
And I never wanted people to think I was getting anything I was getting because
I was a girl.
And I didn't want to get anything just cause I was a girl.
But at the same time you wanted, you see, they had this like low key, high key
kind of chip
inside you that was like, you know, I want to be like, uh, Amelia Earhart in a
way, but
not, but not, but not.
Disappear into the ocean.
No, but like, you know, no, but she's like, dude, imagine this.
Okay.
First of all, this one, women couldn't even drive that well.
Okay.
Imagine getting into a plane and fucking take it off and saying, you're going
around the
world.
Br