Name: Fiona Cauley on the Worst Uber Ride of Her Life
Uploaded: 2026-01-22T00:30:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fiona Cauley on the Worst Uber Ride of Her Life' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fiona Cauley on the Worst Uber Ride of Her Life' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-22. Transcript available.

I know that you had a series that was called or that has a series on YouTube
and it's called
Capable.
Yeah.
Right.
How have you been able to grab comedy out of out of some of these different
moments and
things that you see?
Because you probably have such a unique perspective on the world that that's
probably something
that's honestly kind of amazing is like your perspective on society and the way
that we
operate has got to be super interesting.
It is weird.
That's funny.
I did Capable before comedy and so like writing that and like it wasn't even
writing it.
I just feel like this happened the other day.
I want to reenact it.
Like all of it's true.
Like in my comedy, it's all true too.
Like I don't have to make stuff up, but like it's hard because you don't want
all your jokes
to be like wheelchair, wheelchair, but it's like I experienced everything from
this.
This vantage point, you know, you talk about like I walked into the room.
Stop talking about walking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're right.
No, you're right.
Well, I think it's also, it is a fascinating vantage point though, because it's
a vantage point
that a lot of people don't get that a lot of people don't experience or
probably till
they get older or certain or, or some, most people probably don't.
Um, yeah.
Has there ever been like an Uber that like they see you and they kind of shake
you off
like a picture, like a, like a picture that gets like a pitch called in from
the catcher
or whatever.
And you just kind of like, we're not doing it.
Yeah.
I, I've had so many Uber drivers.
Now I'll like hide and have my able-bodied friends go to the car and open the
door and
they'll be like, you know, cause they'll just drive off.
I haven't so much.
One time I had Uber, but oh wait, this is crazy.
I forgot about this.
Okay.
Um, I did.
Okay.
There used to be a show or maybe still exists called Stone Cold Sober and it's
like teams
of three comics against each other.
Um, and one of you is drunk, one stone, one sober.
Right.
So I'm on that show and it's like four years ago.
And which one are you on it?
I'm the drunk one.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm pretty good at that.
And, um, but because I knew I was drinking and they don't give you free drinks.
So I drank at my house before I Ubered there.
Um, I get the lady Uber driver.
Her trunk is full.
So we have to put my chair in her back seat.
My neighbor has to come do it cause she won't do it.
She's like whacked out.
She's an autistic Barbie.
That's what we call her.
Worse.
So much worse.
She, uh, I don't know.
She was like on drugs.
I could not recognize kind of thing.
Oh, that's always kind of fun.
Yeah.
I'm like trying to Google a smell.
It's real hard.
You're like Googling bath salts and like, I'm like, holding JPEGs up to her.
Um, so I had to send the passengers to Frenzy.
She's crazy.
Car smells weird.
She's swerving.
It's not good.
And I'm like stressed out.
And she's ranting.
I'm kind of just like pushed up against the side of the car trying to ignore
her.
What, something was wrong with her vagina, you think?
She was talking about how Jesus sent her to Nashville from California to save
all of us from the liberals.
Ooh.
Yeah, so thankful for her.
No, I'm glad she's here.
Yeah.
I'm glad.
I'm glad, uh, fucking, uh, Christopher Columba.
I'm, I'm, yeah, fuck.
I was going to try to make a joke, but my brain doesn't work good anymore.
Anyway.
I'm wrapping up on you.
It's not good.
Dude, if I catch this.
I'll be so bad.
Oh, no.
Take us through, take us through this story, though.
Because that is unbelievable.
When you get in a thing, you're like, oh, my God.
Now I'm at the whims of it.
If this lady sees one person dressed up in a Civil War outfit, she's going to
hit him with a vehicle, you know?
And, okay, so she's ranting about this.
She's swerving.
I mean, we're still in my neighborhood, and she's almost hitting parked cars.
I'm like, hey, girl, please look at the road.
You know, she's yelling at me.
You're trying to use female associative terms.
And she's talking about how the liberals are trying to take her guns.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Well, that could be true, but yeah.
But not the time to discuss it.
I think everyone's trying to take your guns.
That's true.
I don't think it's.
Oh, that's true.
I agree.
That's a great point.
She's crazy, yeah.
That's a great point.
Everybody's trying to take it these days.
But then, I'm not, I'm literally just like, you know, and we're on the interstate,
and
she is ranting about the gun thing, opens the glove box in front of me, pulls
the gun out.
Sorry, this is so crazy.
And again, remember, I am drunk.
I'm drunk.
And this woman, swerving.
She's like a LeAngelo Ball fan or something.
She's like.
But like, she's not like threatening to shoot me.
It's more like, see, they can't take it, like making a point.
Right.
They'll never find it here.
Right.
In this glove box, which is probably just an extension of her.
Right.
Whatever.
No, and then, I'm like not looking at her because I'm crying a little bit.
You know, it's just girl stuff.
And she's like, oh, are you on your period?
And you're like, no, I'm not on my period.
There's an insane person.
She was like, oh my God, verse things up.
I know.
She's like, 11-11, make a wish.
Did you wish for more ovulation?
Okay.
This is getting insane.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
I'm being said to Scorpio.
Oh, man.
But I'm not looking at her because I don't want her to see I'm panicking.
And so she pokes me in the arm with the gun.
No.
Oh, my God.
That's probably, did she know that you couldn't feel it if she poked you in the
legs?
She wanted to make sure I could.
She wanted to make sure you could feel it?
And then, so I'm like, I'm like.
What is happening?
I haven't told that story in so long.
Do you tell this on stage?
No, I told it on stage once.
You've got to tell this on stage.
This is one of the best stories ever to me.
But go on, sorry.
Oh, my God.
Okay, so I'm panicking.
She's got the gun.
I'm just saying.
And she's still driving?
Yes.
And she's just.
Kind of waving around.
Hey, look at me.
Hey, blah, blah, blah.
Again, not threatening to shoot me.
Just.
Right.
Just saying.
Got it.
Got it, yeah.
Yeah.
That mommy's strapped.
And she got that Draco on her.
And are you.
And what are y'all listening to?
It's quiet.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, I'm just listening to her rant.
I hadn't even thought about that.
It was totally quiet.
That's the best.
When people play too much music.
Or.
And this is an all call.
This is from me.
And it's just my thoughts.
These are my thoughts.
If you're an Uber driver.
Or somebody that works in like.
Operating like.
What a transportation.
That sort of thing.
If you keep that thing on.
That's like.
Right turn.
In seven seconds.
That I will never tip somebody.
If they have that.
Turn that thing off.
Have.
Just.
At least.
Just look at the drawing.
The worst is when they ask.
What music you want to do.
Turn it on.
And then that interrupts.
Every 20 seconds.
And you're like.
The music does.
No the.
Oh they interrupt it to talk.
The sound.
Oh yeah.
It's all.
Anyway.
I ruined your story.
Let's go.
So you guys are rolling together.
So I'm.
I'm trying to be chill.
Because I don't want to freak her out.
Yeah.
You know.
For sure.
She has a gun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She has a gun.
And she's driving you somewhere.
Yeah.
You don't want to freak out your captor.
I guess that's exactly what you.
So I'm.
There's like a group text.
For the show I'm headed to.
And so I'm like.
I'm scared.
And when at the venue my Uber driver has a gun.
I'm like live texting all the guys.
They're like sorry.
Not there.
I don't think anyone believed me.
Yeah.
And then there is one girl in the group text.
I didn't know at that time.
And she was like.
Oh my God.
I'm hurrying to the venue.
I'll try to meet you there.
And I was like.
Please.
Please.
We're three minutes away.
Two minutes.
You know.
Oh.
I get there.
No one's there.
I am so panicked.
And again.
My wheelchair is in the backseat.
And I'm wearing shoes like these.
With heels.
I.
I didn't mean to make that sound.
I meant yes.
Sorry.
That was insane.
Your husband's in here.
And I.
I think I.
My body just didn't know what sound to do.
Those are nice.
Carry on.
Here you go.
Thank you so much.
That's so.
My body didn't know what sound to do.
Well I think it just picked the wrong sound.
It's been a tough.
It's been a tough year.
Okay.
And it's only January.
I know.
I'm like damn.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Tell us what happens.
So we pull up.
No one's there.
I'm freaking out.
Nobody's there.
So now she thinks.
Oh this bitch got me running around in circles around here.
I swear.
I'm so full of adrenaline.
I jump out of the car and pull my own wheelchair out.
Wow.
So like gun to my head I can walk.
You can make it happen.
Yeah.
Gosh.
That's a lot.
That's crazy.
Pull that Draco out that glove box.
Yeah.
Like really insane.
That scared me so.
Then I got weirder though.
You have weirder stories in that?
Same night.
Nuh-uh.
Well.
Do you want to go there?
Carry on.
Okay.
So I do.
I show up at the venue.
I'm like hyperventilating crying.
You know.
Like I'm inside.
I'm safe.
But I'm panicking.
It was very scary.
Yeah.
And everyone's like oh my god.
And I go to the bar because that sobered me up.
And I'm.
I don't know.
I was like I'm going to get drunk.
I don't know what's happening.
Yeah.
I don't know what else to do.
I'm a human.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm freaking out.
I'm alone.
I was single at the time.
So I didn't like have anyone to be like please come get me.
You know.
And so I go to the bar at Third Ghost.
And this married couple who I had met at the airport in Las Vegas a couple
months back.
were there because they were there because I had posted online.
Oh and they came to the show.
Oh that's pretty cool.
And they were like I told them because they were the only ones I knew kind of.
And they were like oh my god.
And they're buying me a bunch of drinks.
So I do this show.
I bomb.
And I.
Well yeah.
You had you had you had freaking Stockholm syndrome.
What do you mean you bombed?
You were basically the Elizabeth Smart of comedy that night.
Like you didn't bomb.
You did your best I feel like.
After a after being held hostage in what kind of car was it.
Do you remember?
Oh shit.
Like a Nissan Altima.
Oh dude.
Nissan Altima.
People have given birth in those more than any other vehicle in the past 10
years in this country.
I almost was given death in one.
Yeah dude.
Yeah a white one.
Yep.
That is the purgatory of existence dude.
If you're in a Nissan Altima things are headed.
Yeah.
Up or down.
You're not doing great.
You're at a you're at a confluence in your life.
You're at a you're at a fork in the road.
You're at a fork in the road dude.
Oh my god.
Okay so a couple's buying you shots.
They're from Vegas.
So I do this show afterwards because I had told them about that.
I was scared to Uber.
You know.
And so they were like we'll drive you home.
And I was like okay thank you.
And I they get me in their car but you know.
And they go hey before we take you home we want you to come to this bar with us
first.
And I was like okay.
And so we go to some bar.
I'm pretty drunk.
Okay.
And I get carried upstairs to a VIP area by some security guy.
It sounds almost like Cinderella.
Oh Rapunzel.
Yeah.
All of them.
Well you might have to rappel down too.
So who knows.
The rappel is just falling for me.
Rappel's a nice way to do that.
No.
And then I don't know.
I'm just sitting in my wheelchair not approaching anyone just kind of drinking
like quietly.
I'm freaked out.
It's a private party.
I don't know who anyone is.
They all face tattoos.
Like it looks like a biker gang maybe.
Like I didn't care though.
It might have been Jelly Roll doing one of those booty boot camp classes or
whatever.
He does some of those halfway house booty boot camp classes I think.
But go on.
Sorry.
I'm ruining your story.
And you know someone's just giving me a new drink every time mine's gone.
It's the Kennedy treatment.
Yeah.
The Kennedy treatment.
And I realize there's one guy everyone's like trying to talk to.
So I'm like it must be his party.
You know and he comes up to me at like 2 a.m.
And he's like hey we're having an after party at my like apartment or whatever.
If you want to come what's your name.
I was like I'm Fiona.
What's yours.
And he was like you can call me Michael.
And I was like okay.
And so Michael.
Biblical name.
Good sign.
Michael has his.
Michael Myers.
Was he wearing a mask?
Is that Michael Myers?
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
I get stuff.
He cares.
He has his security carry me down.
And we're all.
It's like his posse and me and Michael.
He goes on Instagram story.
I'm in the video.
And the married couple is being weird to me.
And the wife keeps trying to like get on my lap.
And Michael didn't like that.
And so we had a security kick them out.
And so we get to his apartment.
The elevator opens to his apartment.
Oh that's rich.
It's like money.
I had never seen that kind of money.
That's rich.
There was like motorcycles inside.
It's huge.
And he has like a chef and a bartender.
Is it Michael Strahan?
Mm-mm.
Huh.
And so I'm in there.
I have two more guesses.
I'm in there.
I'm in there.
And there is one guy that was at the third ghost show that was tagging along
for some reason.
He was like a ballerina.
Literally.
Fuck it sounds like.
But let's go on.
Sorry.
I know your husband's in here.
Hope everybody's with God.
He's a ballerina.
He's a male ballerina.
Oh yeah.
I used to live with a guy.
He wasn't a ballerina.
What was he?
Like one of those frozen ballerinas.
He was an ice skater.
I'm frozen.
He was fucking.
This dude was a mixed dude too.
Wait this guy was Mexican.
Your guy was Mexican?
Yeah.
My guy was mixed.
Black and white.
Oh okay.
Or white and something.
Okay.
And yeah.
But he would every now and then he would have a couple of drinks and he would
take us outside.
He never wanted us to see his craft or whatever.
That's what he would say all the time.
So he wouldn't invite us to any of his performances or whatever.
But every now and then he'd get drunk and he'd take us outside and he would
jump sideways over a car.
And it was pretty amazing to watch him do it.
Anyway.
Carry on.
It's just some mixed guy that I shared an apartment with for a month.
Let's go.
Sorry.
Not let's go.
I'm enjoying the story.
So you're there.
It's nice.
There's like fancy stuff.
Outdoor stuff that should be inside.
That's when somebody's rich.
When they have like a car in the living room or they have motorcycles.
I'm like how'd this get up here when they make you think about it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And all the girls there are very good though gang.
I was like why the fuck am I here?
Like blonde, big fake boobs.
Like everyone beautiful covered in tattoos.
And this is in Nashville?
Uh-huh.
Wow.
And I'm like I still don't know where I am.
And Michael's feeding me drinks too.
But he was like are you hungry?
And he had someone make me pasta and pizza.
And there was like a video of him feeding it to me.
Really?
And then he put his number in my phone.
And then I had the ballerina drive me home.
Wow.
And then the next morning I wake up to like 60 missed phone calls from my
friends.
Being like are you alive?
Because apparently I was all over this guy's Instagram story and stuff.
Do you know who Yellow Wolf is?
It was him.
Really?
Yeah.
He like saved me that night.
He saved you from the swingers?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh that was sweet of him.
And he like made sure it was okay.
He was very nice.
I have not seen him since then.
Wow.
I saw him.
We hung out one night in Los Angeles.
I got to check in with him.
I haven't talked to him in a while.
We kind of I think he I think he lives in Nashville or he did.
Yeah.
At that time.
Yeah dude.
We used to jam his shit heavy.

Fiona Cauley on the Worst Uber Ride of Her Life

I know that you had a series that was called or that has a series on YouTube
and it's called
Capable.
Yeah.
Right.
How have you been able to grab comedy out of out of some of these different
moments and
things that you see?
Because you probably have such a unique perspective on the world that that's
probably something
that's honestly kind of amazing is like your perspective on society and the way
that we
operate has got to be super interesting.
It is weird.
That's funny.
I did Capable before comedy and so like writing that and like it wasn't even
writing it.
I just feel like this happened the other day.
I want to reenact it.
Like all of it's true.
Like in my comedy, it's all true too.
Like I don't have to make stuff up, but like it's hard because you don't want
all your jokes
to be like wheelchair, wheelchair, but it's like I experienced everything from
this.
This vantage point, you know, you talk about like I walked into the room.
Stop talking about walking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're right.
No, you're right.
Well, I think it's also, it is a fascinating vantage point though, because it's
a vantage point
that a lot of people don't get that a lot of people don't experience or
probably till
they get older or certain or, or some, most people probably don't.
Um, yeah.
Has there ever been like an Uber that like they see you and they kind of shake
you off
like a picture, like a, like a picture that gets like a pitch called in from
the catcher
or whatever.
And you just kind of like, we're not doing it.
Yeah.
I, I've had so many Uber drivers.
Now I'll like hide and have my able-bodied friends go to the car and open the
door and
they'll be like, you know, cause they'll just drive off.
I haven't so much.
One time I had Uber, but oh wait, this is crazy.
I forgot about this.
Okay.
Um, I did.
Okay.
There used to be a show or maybe still exists called Stone Cold Sober and it's
like teams
of three comics against each other.
Um, and one of you is drunk, one stone, one sober.
Right.
So I'm on that show and it's like four years ago.
And which one are you on it?
I'm the drunk one.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm pretty good at that.
And, um, but because I knew I was drinking and they don't give you free drinks.
So I drank at my house before I Ubered there.
Um, I get the lady Uber driver.
Her trunk is full.
So we have to put my chair in her back seat.
My neighbor has to come do it cause she won't do it.
She's like whacked out.
She's an autistic Barbie.
That's what we call her.
Worse.
So much worse.
She, uh, I don't know.
She was like on drugs.
I could not recognize kind of thing.
Oh, that's always kind of fun.
Yeah.
I'm like trying to Google a smell.
It's real hard.
You're like Googling bath salts and like, I'm like, holding JPEGs up to her.
Um, so I had to send the passengers to Frenzy.
She's crazy.
Car smells weird.
She's swerving.
It's not good.
And I'm like stressed out.
And she's ranting.
I'm kind of just like pushed up against the side of the car trying to ignore
her.
What, something was wrong with her vagina, you think?
She was talking about how Jesus sent her to Nashville from California to save
all of us from the liberals.
Ooh.
Yeah, so thankful for her.
No, I'm glad she's here.
Yeah.
I'm glad.
I'm glad, uh, fucking, uh, Christopher Columba.
I'm, I'm, yeah, fuck.
I was going to try to make a joke, but my brain doesn't work good anymore.
Anyway.
I'm wrapping up on you.
It's not good.
Dude, if I catch this.
I'll be so bad.
Oh, no.
Take us through, take us through this story, though.
Because that is unbelievable.
When you get in a thing, you're like, oh, my God.
Now I'm at the whims of it.
If this lady sees one person dressed up in a Civil War outfit, she's going to
hit him with a vehicle, you know?
And, okay, so she's ranting about this.
She's swerving.
I mean, we're still in my neighborhood, and she's almost hitting parked cars.
I'm like, hey, girl, please look at the road.
You know, she's yelling at me.
You're trying to use female associative terms.
And she's talking about how the liberals are trying to take her guns.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Well, that could be true, but yeah.
But not the time to discuss it.
I think everyone's trying to take your guns.
That's true.
I don't think it's.
Oh, that's true.
I agree.
That's a great point.
She's crazy, yeah.
That's a great point.
Everybody's trying to take it these days.
But then, I'm not, I'm literally just like, you know, and we're on the interstate,
and
she is ranting about the gun thing, opens the glove box in front of me, pulls
the gun out.
Sorry, this is so crazy.
And again, remember, I am drunk.
I'm drunk.
And this woman, swerving.
She's like a LeAngelo Ball fan or something.
She's like.
But like, she's not like threatening to shoot me.
It's more like, see, they can't take it, like making a point.
Right.
They'll never find it here.
Right.
In this glove box, which is probably just an extension of her.
Right.
Whatever.
No, and then, I'm like not looking at her because I'm crying a little bit.
You know, it's just girl stuff.
And she's like, oh, are you on your period?
And you're like, no, I'm not on my period.
There's an insane person.
She was like, oh my God, verse things up.
I know.
She's like, 11-11, make a wish.
Did you wish for more ovulation?
Okay.
This is getting insane.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
I'm being said to Scorpio.
Oh, man.
But I'm not looking at her because I don't want her to see I'm panicking.
And so she pokes me in the arm with the gun.
No.
Oh, my God.
That's probably, did she know that you couldn't feel it if she poked you in the
legs?
She wanted to make sure I could.
She wanted to make sure you could feel it?
And then, so I'm like, I'm like.
What is happening?
I haven't told that story in so long.
Do you tell this on stage?
No, I told it on stage once.
You've got to tell this on stage.
This is one of the best stories ever to me.
But go on, sorry.
Oh, my God.
Okay, so I'm panicking.
She's got the gun.
I'm just saying.
And she's still driving?
Yes.
And she's just.
Kind of waving around.
Hey, look at me.
Hey, blah, blah, blah.
Again, not threatening to shoot me.
Just.
Right.
Just saying.
Got it.
Got it, yeah.
Yeah.
That mommy's strapped.
And she got that Draco on her.
And are you.
And what are y'all listening to?
It's quiet.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, I'm just listening to her rant.
I hadn't even thought about that.
It was totally quiet.
That's the best.
When people play too much music.
Or.
And this is an all call.
This is from me.
And it's just my thoughts.
These are my thoughts.
If you're an Uber driver.
Or somebody that works in like.
Operating like.
What a transportation.
That sort of thing.
If you keep that thing on.
That's like.
Right turn.
In seven seconds.
That I will never tip somebody.
If they have that.
Turn that thing off.
Have.
Just.
At least.
Just look at the drawing.
The worst is when they ask.
What music you want to do.
Turn it on.
And then that interrupts.
Every 20 seconds.
And you're like.
The music does.
No the.
Oh they interrupt it to talk.
The sound.
Oh yeah.
It's all.
Anyway.
I ruined your story.
Let's go.
So you guys are rolling together.
So I'm.
I'm trying to be chill.
Because I don't want to freak her out.
Yeah.
You know.
For sure.
She has a gun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She has a gun.
And she's driving you somewhere.
Yeah.
You don't want to freak out your captor.
I guess that's exactly what you.
So I'm.
There's like a group text.
For the show I'm headed to.
And so I'm like.
I'm scared.
And when at the venue my Uber driver has a gun.
I'm like live texting all the guys.
They're like sorry.
Not there.
I don't think anyone believed me.
Yeah.
And then there is one girl in the group text.
I didn't know at that time.
And she was like.
Oh my God.
I'm hurrying to the venue.
I'll try to meet you there.
And I was like.
Please.
Please.
We're three minutes away.
Two minutes.
You know.
Oh.
I get there.
No one's there.
I am so panicked.
And again.
My wheelchair is in the backseat.
And I'm wearing shoes like these.
With heels.
I.
I didn't mean to make that sound.
I meant yes.
Sorry.
That was insane.
Your husband's in here.
And I.
I think I.
My body just didn't know what sound to do.
Those are nice.
Carry on.
Here you go.
Thank you so much.
That's so.
My body didn't know what sound to do.
Well I think it just picked the wrong sound.
It's been a tough.
It's been a tough year.
Okay.
And it's only January.
I know.
I'm like damn.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Tell us what happens.
So we pull up.
No one's there.
I'm freaking out.
Nobody's there.
So now she thinks.
Oh this bitch got me running around in circles around here.
I swear.
I'm so full of adrenaline.
I jump out of the car and pull my own wheelchair out.
Wow.
So like gun to my head I can walk.
You can make it happen.
Yeah.
Gosh.
That's a lot.
That's crazy.
Pull that Draco out that glove box.
Yeah.
Like really insane.
That scared me so.
Then I got weirder though.
You have weirder stories in that?
Same night.
Nuh-uh.
Well.
Do you want to go there?
Carry on.
Okay.
So I do.
I show up at the venue.
I'm like hyperventilating crying.
You know.
Like I'm inside.
I'm safe.
But I'm panicking.
It was very scary.
Yeah.
And everyone's like oh my god.
And I go to the bar because that sobered me up.
And I'm.
I don't know.
I was like I'm going to get drunk.
I don't know what's happening.
Yeah.
I don't know what else to do.
I'm a human.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm freaking out.
I'm alone.
I was single at the time.
So I didn't like have anyone to be like please come get me.
You know.
And so I go to the bar at Third Ghost.
And this married couple who I had met at the airport in Las Vegas a couple
months back.
were there because they were there because I had posted online.
Oh and they came to the show.
Oh that's pretty cool.
And they were like I told them because they were the only ones I knew kind of.
And they were like oh my god.
And they're buying me a bunch of drinks.
So I do this show.
I bomb.
And I.
Well yeah.
You had you had you had freaking Stockholm syndrome.
What do you mean you bombed?
You were basically the Elizabeth Smart of comedy that night.
Like you didn't bomb.
You did your best I feel like.
After a after being held hostage in what kind of car was it.
Do you remember?
Oh shit.
Like a Nissan Altima.
Oh dude.
Nissan Altima.
People have given birth in those more than any other vehicle in the past 10
years in this country.
I almost was given death in one.
Yeah dude.
Yeah a white one.
Yep.
That is the purgatory of existence dude.
If you're in a Nissan Altima things are headed.
Yeah.
Up or down.
You're not doing great.
You're at a you're at a confluence in your life.
You're at a you're at a fork in the road.
You're at a fork in the road dude.
Oh my god.
Okay so a couple's buying you shots.
They're from Vegas.
So I do this show afterwards because I had told them about that.
I was scared to Uber.
You know.
And so they were like we'll drive you home.
And I was like okay thank you.
And I they get me in their car but you know.
And they go hey before we take you home we want you to come to this bar with us
first.
And I was like okay.
And so we go to some bar.
I'm pretty drunk.
Okay.
And I get carried upstairs to a VIP area by some security guy.
It sounds almost like Cinderella.
Oh Rapunzel.
Yeah.
All of them.
Well you might have to rappel down too.
So who knows.
The rappel is just falling for me.
Rappel's a nice way to do that.
No.
And then I don't know.
I'm just sitting in my wheelchair not approaching anyone just kind of drinking
like quietly.
I'm freaked out.
It's a private party.
I don't know who anyone is.
They all face tattoos.
Like it looks like a biker gang maybe.
Like I didn't care though.
It might have been Jelly Roll doing one of those booty boot camp classes or
whatever.
He does some of those halfway house booty boot camp classes I think.
But go on.
Sorry.
I'm ruining your story.
And you know someone's just giving me a new drink every time mine's gone.
It's the Kennedy treatment.
Yeah.
The Kennedy treatment.
And I realize there's one guy