Name: 29 Year Old Virgin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #111
Uploaded: 2018-07-09T13:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '29 Year Old Virgin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #111' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '29 Year Old Virgin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #111' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-09. Transcript available.

29 Year Old Virgin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #111

all right baby get that hitter this episode brought to you by gray block pizza
and gray block is a
you know you know what it is i mean it's like sometimes you you're laying in
bed at night and
you wish you had something inside of you you wish you had something deep inside
of your body just
you know either maybe going in and out of your body or even just staying in
your body
and if it's something that you wish was staying in your body then that
something
is gray block pizza that's food and gray block pizza and you you can find it on
pico boulevard
in los angeles 1811 pico boulevard on the way to the beach get that hitter
today's episode is brought
to you by ridge wallet and you know what it is it's a special type of wallet so
many people have a wallet
and they don't they can't find it oh where's my wallet daniel and daniel's like
i don't know you
know i but you know i had a couple snow cones and you know i've been doing
nothing well where's my
wallet and you can't find your wallet because who knows why maybe you lost it
well with the ridge
wallet you're less likely to lose it because you keep it in your front pocket
you know it's that
front pocket carry you know a back pocket you got to pull that thing out every
time you sit down you
got to you got to de-lump your cheeks you know you got to um you got to unhump
your derriere by
pulling out that rear that rear that rear carry but with the ridge wallet you
got that front pocket
carry it's concise it it potentially bulletproof now that's up to you no
guarantees but the ridge
wallet check it out ridgewallet.com uh slash theo t-h-e-o uh for a beautiful
discount and now that is a
it's a kind of a pricey item but that's okay some people want a pricey item and
i bought mine um
actually they gave it to me uh be honest with you and i love it and i really
really i really do enjoy
it oh yeah i am happy that uh you guys are here today and i am um happy that i
am here today
and uh and that's it let's see uh let's see how it all shakes out
she's got eyes of fire that burn like a shot of whiskey
she's been known to bring a man to his knees that's the power of a woman
she'll take all you have you never see her coming
and that's how i know the devil is a woman
well mr johnson knows cause he saw her up close in the delta
mm-hmm
said ma'am if you don't mind would you tune this guitar for me
yeah ma'am
but she took his soul and she broke his heart just for fun
come on now
come on now
that's how i know
the devil is a woman
that's how i know the devil is a woman
and that's an awkward in and out there for that song by me but
you know the truth is
you know
you know i want things to run smooth
you know that song's kind of
um that song's kind of tapering right there
and i'm thinking man you know i want to smoothly kind of ease out of the song
into the episode
but that ain't the way shit happens man
that ain't the way it happens
you know like in all the commercials you see the man he
you know he crack open that condom package
you know when he just splits open that condom package
and he you know he gets the condom and he just
you know just magically just
it just surfs down onto his dick real quick
you know it just surfs right onto his wiener
and suddenly he's everything's okay
and he's cruising and he's
and he's you know
and he's doing full sexual
and the lady's happy and nobody
that ain't the way it happens
no the way it happens is
you're
first of all
you lie and say you don't have any condoms
then
the girl says no you have to have some condoms
then you like say i think i have one
you know
and you go look for it
it's probably in your car
or it's
you know you might have hid it in a vase or something
if you
you know were trying to hide some condoms from somebody
you know and you didn't have any flowers in the house at that time
and you
you know you put it into an open vase
but you
you know you go look for it
and then you bring it in there
and by then now your
your erection is gone
i mean you know what i'm saying
i got that ghost cock boy
you know i'm saying my shit shows up
real quick
and it's looking a fact
and then it's gone
and it's there and gone
i got that ghost cock
like
and it's gone
so then you get back with that condom package
and now you got to crack that thing open
you know you got it on
and now
it's uh
you know
now you're working this softy
it's like um
you know you're working this softy inside of
it's almost like you're making sausage a little bit more like
and now you got to try to have sex
and everybody's disappointed
and it's just
i don't know
but that's just you know
things don't
it's not always exactly how we want it to go
you know the thing
things in life aren't always going to be just served up like we want them to
you know
you know you think about your future
and you
you know especially when you're a kid
and you think about it so many ways
and
you know when i was young
i used to think about
i guess my big thing that i wanted when i was young
that rich people seem to have porches
they had a porch on their house
and you see somebody with that big porch
and a porch
it was like oh you got outside
oh you got inside
but you got it outside
like damn
y'all must be doing well
if you have an inside
that is outside
and if you saw somebody with a porch
and sometimes they had furniture out there
you know in television
you know you'd even see like
during a party or something
put a television out there
and watch the games
and
man
and when i was young
that was my big thing
i pictured like a porch
you know
and i pictured a wife
and i would have a wife
you know
or it could have been a husband
with long hair
but i think you know
my visions weren't super clear
but it seems like a wife
you know
but then you never know
sometimes a man might be hiding in a wig
even sometimes in your imagination
and
and my wife and i would be sitting on the front porch
and we would just be like
sitting on the swing set together
and just sitting there
and being like proud of ourselves
that we
you know
that we hadn't given up on each other
and that
we
we were doing okay
you know
and something about that porch
i guess maybe the porch
you know
emblifies
or
and emblifies might not be a word
and that's okay
that's okay
and it is now
suddenly
it really really
you get what it means
and
but it emblifies like
that
we were proud of ourselves
a little bit
at the porch
i think
because you
you would do it outside
you know
because i remember
when i was young
it was like
like uh
you know
every
you always try to hide shit inside
and put
when you grow up in a poor environment
and look
i'm not whining about it
but when you grow up in a poor environment
you don't have distance
like money
give
money gives you distance
you know
money puts you in first class seating
on the air jet
so you have distance from
people
you know
money
uh
it'll make you
you have a yard
right
a front yard
sometimes money
you have a front yard
and then your front yard
has a front yard
you ever seen that
somebody has a front yard
with a big gate
then in front of the gate
a little more yard
your fucking gate
has a yard
but money gives you distance
and when you grow up without money
you don't have that
so everything gets stacked
right on top of each other
it's all right there
it's all
you know
it's all immediate
and it's all um
it's just all
it's all right there
for viewing
and for smelling
and for feeling
and so like
we would always try to
the only way you could
kind of hide stuff
was inside
because outside
there wasn't any
you know
you didn't have a porch
you didn't have a yard
like if somebody
if you got your ass
beat outside dude
it happened in front
of all your neighbors
um
and if you know
if shit got too loud
inside the windows were open
because the air conditioner
wasn't on until night time
so
you know
it was just
you know
everything was just
out in the open more
and you knew more
about each other
and there was some stuff
like that
it made you feel
I guess a little bit
more ashamed
but then in another way
it made you feel
more connected
but I guess
in my vision
in my dream
you know
I have this
I have this space
where
you know
or when I was young
and I would think
about the future
I would think
about having this porch
and sitting out there
with my wife
and we wouldn't be yelling
you know
we would just be
kind of relaxing
maybe sharing
like a lemonade
or something
I don't want to sit
out there
with my own lemonade
dude
if it's a
you know
I think
you got to share
a lemonade
because you don't
want to be too
you know
too high on the hog
everybody's sitting
out there
with their own lemonade
you know
what are you
the damn
prince of Sheba
so
but that would be
a vision
I would have
when I was young
and I don't even know
how I got on that
right now
but that would be
a vision that I had
when I was young
of a future
that I wanted
you know
but you don't know
how it's
you don't know
what's going to happen
and it doesn't always
shake out the way
that you want it to
and you have to
roll with the punches
and life is just
a fucking surprise party
it's a surprise party
dude
and you don't even know
who it's for
and you don't know
how old anybody is
or what's going on
and
but you just
people just keep
yelling surprise
and shit keeps happening
and that is
that's life I guess
that's just time
you know
every second
it's just surprise
surprise
surprise
and there you go
and you keep going
and some of the surprises
are for you
and some of them
are for other people
you know
and it's just
you gotta just
you gotta recognize
sometimes they're not
for you
and you have to enjoy
them when they're
for other people
as well
I think
or try to
it's really hard
that song
on the way in
right there
that was
Devil is a Woman
by Bishop Gunn
and I want to try
and play some other songs
on the podcast
instead of just
Bishop Gunn
and I will
but I have not
had enough time
to listen through
all the music
that's been submitted
but I thank you guys
for your submissions
thank you guys
for coming out
in Oxnard
this weekend
dude Oxnard
that place
that's middle
of nowheres
boy
I mean it's not really
it's like Los Angeles
adjacent
you know
it's kind of like
it seemed like
a lot of men
maybe send their
you know
if they got a lot
of side pieces
it seems like
the side piece belt
a lot of men
send their side pieces
to live out there
in Oxnard
you know
you see a lady
out there
in panties
and heels
just you know
watering a plant
and you're like
but she lives
by herself
but she's outside
you know
and she's live
streaming footage
back to Los Angeles
to her man
who's probably
sitting in a house
with his family
you know
pretending like
he's reading a paper
but he low-key
has a Kindle
right there
a Kindle
that gets video
Amazon Kindle Fire
I think
and it gets video
and so he's low-key
you know
he's watching that TNA
spraying agua
on the vegetalis
out there in Oxnard
and meanwhile
he's sitting there
with his family
looking at a newspaper
but that's all
who knows
that's all whatever
but Oxnard
was good man
a lot of people
came out
you know
I want to apologize
for everybody
that came out
on a Friday late show
they had a lot
you know
they had a couple
unruly people
in the crowd
and the management
at the club
was gutter
you know
or the organization
at the club
was gutter
you know
they had people
in and out
of the room
I mean
the place
was a fucking
damn bro
you know
what I'm saying
it seemed like
a pet shop
that's what
it seemed like
but the people
that came out
were great
and I'm super
grateful
for everybody
that came
and we had fun
man
we had a good time
they had a young fella
brought me out
this shirt
this kind of like
I don't know
if it's like
a farmer shirt
or what it is
but if I ever
get a farm
I'll definitely
put that thing on
fuck
if I even
even just
you know
if I even
walk up
on a couple
of
you know
a couple
of
you know
a couple
of strawberry
plants
or anything
even just
you know
a peach tree
I'll put that
bitch on
I don't really
have to have
a whole farm
oh
what a week
man
I h