Name: China in a Nutshell | This Past Weekend #113
Uploaded: 2018-07-16T19:25:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'China in a Nutshell | This Past Weekend #113' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'China in a Nutshell | This Past Weekend #113' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-16. Transcript available.

China in a Nutshell | This Past Weekend #113

all right check check there we go we're riding we're riding we're riding oh man
sometimes
sometimes life is such an undertaking isn't it you know you have those moments
you'd be cruising
you know when your life feels good and you're you're just wearing your life
around your neck
like a you know just like a fox like a fox fur and somebody's like damn is that
a fox around your
neck and you're like nah that's my life you know i've got my life so tamed that
it just hangs around
my neck like a fox and then sometimes dude your life is just a fucking fraggle
you know even in
just in an instant man you can get just so just you know you can get keyed up
irrational fired up
frazzled fraggled you can get that fraggle going i'm here in shanghai man this
is
fraggle central i mean this place you if i don't imagine everything everything
pick something
okay that and then a million other things and all of a sudden everything
happens at one time
at one time it's like the big bang but it's all over and that's what's
happening here in shanghai
china but you gotta seize it you just gotta however it's coming in i have to
seize it you know i have
to take it you know it's life you know i have to take it i just have to take it
exactly as it as it
comes i can't i can't adjust how it comes i i can only adjust how it's received
you know
c'est la guerre baby and that means uh that's french for um so is c'est la vie
is life so is life oh c'est la guerre
is so is war um i don't know fuck the french bruh you know what i'm saying i
mean not a hundred percent
really fuck them but also you know nobody really likes them but uh let's go onward
i ain't seen home in about a hundred days i can almost hear mama pray for my
restless soul
and i ain't made a dollar i ain't spent but where it's going ain't killed me
yet i still get where
i'm down to go however it comes
i'm making it i'm making wrong feel right gotta make wrong feel right
i'm making it and if hell's where i'm headed there i'm making good time
most all of my plans slip right through my hands and wind up next to me broken
on the ground
that's how it's coming if this bottle was an hour glance i'd say that i'm about
an hour
past minute i should have put it down
i'm on now
but i'm making it i'm making it i'm making more feel right
i'm making good time
man and that's it right there i'm making it that's what i'm doing tonight um
here
and right now whenever this is and i'm coming to you from shanghai
china baby think about it china china where fish they have you know where a lot
of fish hang out
and people catch them you know i got i got into china and uh and i came here to
do some shows
and i get into shanghai it's nighttime and shanghai imagine you're in a pinball
machine
and there are like 24 million balls in there and you are exhausted and you want
to find something to eat
got in started walking around i couldn't even there was too much going on there's
like
there's they have you know older people that look young and young you know they
had a baby that looked
about i mean this baby might have been 86 this might have been an 86
year old baby dude and he was carrying a bunch of hay on his back and they have
you know people are on rickshaws people are on horseback people are on each
other's backs
you know one guy gave another guy a couple dollars and he was riding him
who fucking knows i guess however far the guy could carry him
you know that's uh i've heard of uber this is like uber like hey here's a
dollar you
burr you know let's go this is where i'm going
fucking giddy up um it's just it's magical here it's everything imagine
everything imagine
everything you've ever known and now imagine it's right here it's china baby
anything can happen
someone's and there's so many people like uh somebody will sneeze and seven
people will fall
out of their mouth and you're like holy people are traveling via uh sneeze now
you know gesund family
it's just like that so many people so much going on and we're staying right
here like in time
square i'm basically staying on this place it's called nanjing road and it's
basically like in the
it's yeah it's like the time square of new york so it's definitely like a
touristy area to stay in
but man just so and they try to say they have everything you ever wanted to buy
even shit that doesn't exist you know you could get a you could get a baby
diaper that sorts coins
like oh that baby just took a shit did he yeah uh but it's about 1100 nickels
worth you know it's
like you could get um you could get a uh you could get mittens for a cat you
know what i'm saying
what's he gonna do with that except probably just feel trapped really you know
trapped
you know feel like he's in four little bitty traps i mean anything you want
here they got it it's
shanghai baby it's absolutely shanghai they have every they could they have you
can they have you can
they have you can get soap that will predict the future imagine that you got a
bar of soap you shine
it up next thing you know fucking but out boy you got that crystal ball action
in your dome and you see
yourself maybe getting a job as a wedding planner or event planner and you
never knew it before and all
you did was crack in to a bar of uh of suddy suds anything's happened they got
it all
all man we took a train um took a train over to a place called shaman shal shalman
and and the train
is nice when you're going through the countryside and you see i can't even they
got all so many
buildings all look exactly the same a lot of buildings there's not there's no
windows in them there's no
people there's nothing and apparently like when you buy a building here you can
buy you buy the building
that's it you buy like the walls everything else you put in and when you leave
you can take it all
with you i'm talking everything um and you just see i mean thousands of
buildings like that just
sitting off into the countryside um no wasted space near shanghai there's not
an inch of wasted space
i mean if you know like uh every you know you'll have a gymnasium then you'll
have a garden then you'll
have a cemetery i actually didn't see any cemeteries so they must do cremation
do they ain't bro you're
dead you're not fucking getting you're not getting 12 square feet you're out of
your mind
but it's just it's amazing um yeah the train ride was beautiful i even wrote
some notes man just because
there's been so much going on um and there's everything outside there's
everything there's like
there's uh you know they got fancy businessmen come here you know and they have
they have sex tourism
sex tourists because people come here looking for sex and doing exotic sex you
know and the kind of
stuff where you know i'm talking circus of sex you know i'm saying you'll
somebody will you know
trapeze off the side of a building just land on your dick or land up in your crotch
you know i'm
saying you can have a dude you know backflip off of a fucking uh you know you
can have you can pay a
dude 40 backflip out of a tree house and land in your ass it's that kind of
thing it's just sheer magic
and they have everything you want they have uh flavor they have edible socks
dude you know i'm
saying so you wear your socks all day next thing you know you break them
bitches off throw them in
the skillet to dale that's fucking foot bacon baby cut two slices of that and
you're in bed
and you're ready for the next day nothing goes unused here man i realize how
wasteful i am dude i saw a
man pick his nose okay and then feed it to a cat and that is that is china in a
nutshell for me that's china
man gets in there and gets out a clean little freaking you know that baby body
orb you know
that little boogwa and then gave that bitch to a cat nothing is off limits in
china you know what i'm
saying that's a fucking that dude pulled a little baby salisbury fucking steak
out of his nostril and
just fed it to a cat that's i mean that's damn that's that cat caviar when you
drop in boog bugs
into a feline and that's china and i'm not saying that to to denounce china or
to or to shame shame i'm
saying that it's just everything is of use there is no waste here you see
somebody spit out of a
window you see a thirsty person just catch it in their mouth it's like that it's
teamwork
to to the it's and it's it's really teamwork it's teamwork to the end
everything is used
you know everything is used man it's um it's remarkable and the people
man i can't tell if the people are rude or friendly or shy or confused or they
just don't care
you know i notice as an american sometimes we go places and uh
i'm having some water um i notice as americans we go places and we're so like
like it's not really about you know you know we're just so worried about
ourselves
that if someone doesn't interact if someone doesn't interact with us it seems
like oh is
you know is something wrong with me do they not like me i think in china they
don't even think about us
they don't care you know they don't not care but it's just they're living their
lives man they're just
cruising you know i definitely it's oh yeah what is it it's just baffling you
know it's baffling dude
but they have everything here man they got a hat that can spell check imagine
that dude imagine having a
a hat on not being able to spell badal today oh motherfucker now you are john
irving now you are
anyone you want to be michael crichton shell silverston you know i'm saying the
giving tree
bitch i got vowels on my head i got consonants dripping off the back of my neck
you got a hat that can spell check they have imagine every product that's ever
been
you know we get products in america that are made you know and it's finished it's
a finalized product
and it's all attached and all the advertising dude they got here they got a
scarf that'll kill your cousin
imagine that you got that nasty cousin because everybody got that nasty cousin
you know the kind
of cousin that'll pick his nose show it to a cat but then yeah have it for
himself
you know i'm saying he'll just bug up his own throat but uh now they got a
secret scarf and you give
him that thing you know for christmas or for hanukkah or for you know uh botswanaka
or whatever uh kwanzaa
sorry you know you give him that hitter you give him that fucking neck piece
and he's wearing it for
two three weeks you know he's at the bar he's fucking you know doing whatever
nasty cousins do if you got a
nasty cousin you know what i'm saying he's probably doing crazy shit like you
know um painting is you
know maybe putting like uh you know um what would a nasty cousin do probably
painting uh racial slurs on
his legs and stuff and even having pants on but even just knowing that under
his pants he's got all these
these racial slurs under on his legs and what would a nasty cousin do you know
probably you know when
when a parent gives their baby the bottle and the baby's enjoying the bottle in
the other room the nasty
cousins sneak in and have a you know have about maybe three ounces of that milk
and the baby's only got six
ounces and they got this nasty cousin in there fucking swigging down 50 of that
leche come out
so now you give him that you give him that scarf and he thinks it's you know he
thinks it's just a
unique scarf you know he thinks it's that fucking just tensile for your neck it's
that it's that that
year-long tensile you know it's that year-long tensile for your fucking neck
but then put out
suddenly he's taking a walk and you got a button at home that one button you
press it and that scarf
just chokes a motherfucker out and that's the kind of shit they have here in
china man they got everything
you know they got everything and and i'm just trying to feel like how they
communicate they don't
it seemed to me and look this is all my perception and my you know and i don't
have 2020 perception i got
about maybe 17 20 so but they don't it seemed like they don't communicate much
between each other like
in america we're always we're like you know we're always coming we'r