Name: Michael Rosenbaum | This Past Weekend #114
Uploaded: 2018-07-19T13:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michael Rosenbaum | This Past Weekend #114' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michael Rosenbaum | This Past Weekend #114' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-19. Transcript available.

Michael Rosenbaum | This Past Weekend #114

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Well, we're doing an episode coming up about animals.
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And now today's episode is really just a superb human.
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He also played Lex Luthor in Smallville on television.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Michael Rosenbaum.
Your hair looks great.
Thanks, man.
I just got up, bro.
Really?
Fucking head.
Just haven't been sleeping that good.
I just got back from China.
So we rolling, bud?
All right.
Cool.
Dude, thanks for coming in today.
Yeah.
It's exciting.
Yeah.
It seems like it was a little, I wouldn't say messy.
Yeah.
But it seems like I walked in, the first thing you said was, you look like shit.
Yeah.
Which was, was that true?
Was that a true statement?
I mean, first of all, move the mic down a little bit.
You're hiding behind the mic.
Okay.
Which is a novice, novice podcaster.
Yeah.
My bad.
Move.
Okay.
Second, did I think you look like shit?
How do you think you look?
Well, I thought this was just a podcast.
I thought, you know, we weren't going to video it.
So I brought my cutoff sweatpants and LeBron shirt that hasn't been washed.
Wow.
Immediately on the LeBron wagon.
Well, no.
See, I'm one of those guys who just, I don't really know anything about
basketball.
I could name five players, but I like LeBron, you know, and people give him
shit.
And we don't talk sports, but the fact that he was in Cleveland, moved just to
get a
championship, came back to Cleveland, won a championship, then came out to LA.
Yeah.
At the end of your career, you've done everything.
Why not play for the Lakers?
Yeah.
You know, and I live here, so it'd be fun to see him.
So yeah, I'm on the wagon.
Fuck it.
Did, now who was also on the wagon?
Is who?
Michael Rappaport?
Is he on the wagon or he hates LeBron?
He hates LeBron.
Does he hate LeBron?
Ha.
So now LeBron's out here.
Well, I'm a Knicks fan, and we just, we have nothing to root for.
Well, you guys put all that money on Carmelo.
Yeah, he's just terrible.
He's not a champion.
Well, he's just not a team player.
Right.
That's what I felt.
And so, yeah, it was a little disconcerting to watch those years.
And you're a hockey guy, right?
Big hockey fan, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I love hockey.
I think it's the best sport in the world.
Now, when you saw that, like, because recently the Las Vegas Knights, right?
Yeah, that's right.
You're not a hockey fan, are you?
I'm not a hockey fan.
Well, I grew up in Louisiana.
We didn't even have, I remember one time we got some ice.
One time you got ice?
Everybody used it, yeah.
People used it to keep meat cold and everything like that, and that was it.
If you'd have been caught skating on that, dude, somebody would have beat your
ass.
Beat your ass, yeah.
Well, it would have just been treason.
You know, it would have been high treason, actually.
You know, skating on a, just a, you know, such a usable good.
Well, I grew up in Indiana, southern Indiana.
We had, like, there was, like, a rink or two, so that's where I started playing
hockey.
So, I guess when you get down to that Midwest, you can still maybe get an
occasional rink.
Yeah, Indiana.
Once you get down to Louisiana, I think, yeah, you're right.
I don't really know a lot of people that play in Louisiana.
There's not a lot of NHL players from Louisiana.
Right.
But, yeah, we were close, relatively close to Michigan, a couple hours.
Chicago, Ohio, cold, cold states.
Chicago's not a state, but it's a city.
Did you feel, but it could be a state.
It could be.
You know what I'm saying?
It depends also.
If you have a mentally handicapped friend who doesn't know that much, and he
might think
it's a state, he might think it's a theme park.
Some people think it's a theme park.
Chicago's a theme park?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know that.
You think Chicago's a theme park?
The whole Midwest is a theme park for me.
I'm from La Crosse, Wisconsin.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I love Chi-Town.
That's a cold place, man.
Very cold.
That's why I'm here.
Yeah, those people, yeah, they get cold over there.
There's a lot of premature baby country, too.
You know that?
Premature baby country?
Yeah, isn't it?
I think that was just afflicted me.
What is premature baby?
Theo is convinced I'm a premature baby.
I didn't say that.
I don't know my biological parents that well, so it's quite possible.
So you think you just came out too soon?
Yeah, at least smoking during pregnancy.
He seemed like he just got here early sometimes.
I feel like I, yeah, that makes sense.
Do you ever feel that about yourself?
Right now.
Really?
I just, I didn't sleep well last night.
My dog was moving around.
Yeah, I just kind of feel out of it.
Do you sleep in the bed with the dog?
I do sleep in the bed with the dog.
And I, you know, for some reason, every night I think, you know what, this
night I'm going
to have him sleep outside of the door.
And he's going to sleep outside of the room.
And I'm going to get some good sleep.
But there's something about it now that I need his warmth.
Now, do you start to worry that that, like, will replace?
Because you're not married, right?
No.
Now, do you worry, though, that that, like, you know, that, say, whatever, like,
vibe you
were going to, like, say your instincts were, like, thinking, oh, it would be
nice to have
a woman here, that you fill those with the dog.
And then you end up not, you know, like, it's just less of a push to get
married.
I mean, if you even want to, or to have a...
I don't know.
Well, the dog's 10, which is 70, really.
And I've been dating this girl for, like, six months.
And she likes the dog.
Oh, she does.
But she needs, sort of needs the dog on the bed, too.
Maybe it's her safety net, too.
It's like, oh, he's here, but I kind of need the dog to balance things out.
It also separates us a little, so you don't have to cuddle or do some shit like
that.
You know, the dog's like, hey, buddy, come right in there in the middle.
Yeah.
And the dog just gets there, and you're like, all right, fuck off for a while,
you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, but I like dating a woman who doesn't always have to be, always be so
attached.
Oh, yeah.
I think touching somebody while you sleep sometimes can be really bizarre.
I think it's rude.
Yeah.
If you're sleeping, don't, you know, there's no reason to touch someone.
Well, you know, a lot of countries don't do it.
It's really an American thing.
Is it?
Yeah.
You don't see people in France doing that?
Oh, the French are.
Who gives a fuck what they do, I feel like.
But it's like, if you go to some other real countries, I think, yeah.
Real countries, yeah.
You don't, the only reason, yeah, yeah.
Well, look, the only reason France isn't gone is because people are, you know,
kind of trying
to be patient with them.
But I think that if you go to some real countries, yeah, dude, you go to Russia,
you go to like
Nigeria, Senegal, these people are not sleeping next, they're not hugging at
night.
It's almost insane to hug someone and also be asleep at the same time when you
think about
that.
Yeah, that's really weird.
Some people need to hold on to people to fall asleep.
Are you a cuddler?
Do you have a girlfriend?
No.
I have a, yeah, I've got a girl that I've been, yeah, I've got a girl that I've
been seeing
and we, but we do not sleep on the same bed.
You know.
You sleep on the same bed.
Well, we sleep on the same bed where we sleep in separate realms of it.
Yeah.
Like I roll over, I'm facing the wall and she faces the wall on the other side.
Yeah.
I think that's really important.
It's like, give me my space.
Yeah.
I like to roll.
I punched her in the face the other night inadvertently.
Um, I just rolled over for a stretch in the middle of the night and bam.
And I just, are you a hard stretcher?
I'm a harder puncher.
You know what?
Uh, it, it, well, I, it just was one of those things where I felt so bad.
I didn't, I'd never punched a girl and, you know,
And was it out of a cold sleep and then you hit like, Oh yeah.
I was like, Oh my God.
She's like, what happened?
I'm like, I punched you in the face.
The dog's angry.
Yeah.
Fucking the, you know, the dog wasn't there at that time.
See, that shows you I need the dog there.
Yeah.
I was, uh, actually sharing a bed with a friend of mine and we were just
sharing a hotel room
with my buddy.
And then we each met some girls one time and we're all sharing beds in New York.
And out of a, I was in a dead sleep, just in a, and I like punched, like
actually punched
a, um, this girl that was with me.
You almost said chick, didn't you?
Not, not, not, I mean, she was of age.
Everyone was of age.
And we, uh, and I, uh, and I, uh, and I like punched her.
I woke up and I had punched like, I, it just happened.
No reason.
No.
Were you drunk?
No, it was a scary, just skim, scary dream or something that happened.
And she was rushing dude.
And she had a straight cranium on her, bro.
She had a fucking, you know, from like the temples up, she was like Buster
Douglas, you
know?
So it didn't even phase her?
She had a real top piece.
It definitely woke her up.
You know, do you feel bad?
She was like, I think I have to go pee.
That was it.
It's a strong woman right there.
Strong woman could take a little punch like that.
Wow.
Holy shit.
And honestly made me, and I, and I don't mean like, it made me like almost
respect, like
wow, like that's a, this is a real tough lady, you know?
Yeah.
You need a tough woman in your life.
Dude.
I had a woman one time in Brazil, put her hand in my, in my pocket to steal my
money.
Right.
And this is a dark woman.
I guess she was, uh, she was in America.
They would say a black woman in Brazil.
I'm not sure if it was, you know, sometimes people say like, and you know, it's
different
kind of colors, different connotation, different vibe or whatever.
But she looked like a, a kind of a black woman in America.
And she put her hand in my pocket on all my money was pulling it out.
And so I take my other hand and like pin her hand against my side.
And then she's still trying to do it.
And so, um, now I 